Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?

pejjerz · December 2012

My fiance and I have come to the conclusion that we want to get legally married within the next few months. We have been together for six years and engaged for nearly one. We plan on having an actual wedding ceremony not until 2014 in Hawaii for our immediate familes (neither of us really care about the whole formal ceremony, and were looking at planning a wedding we didn't really care about only to not be able to afford a honeymoon), so we were going to have a small party the day that we get legally married to keep people who can't afford the whole trip from complete uninvolvement. I know I shouldn't care so much about people... but I am just looking for the best way to position this to people so that it doesn't sound like we are just trying to have two parties. Should we get "married" and then have a "vow renewal". And never have a "wedding"? Labels shouldn't matter........ Can you tell I'm stuck in a rut?! haha...

melb2013 · December 2012

"Non-biased"? Does that mean you don't want people telling you that you shouldn't do what you want to do? Well... you shouldn't do what you want to do... If you want to get legally married now, then that is your wedding. To have a ceremony later is like re-enacting a play- it's not real and it goes against etiquette. The ceremony literally means nothing, so don't do it. If you want to have people come out to Hawaii with you for a vacation where you can celebrate, I think it's a little awkward, but fine. Or you can get legally married now, and go on a vacation to Hawaii just the two of you as a honeymoon. Or you can wait to get married until the ceremony in 2014. Those are your options.

Summer2011Bride · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:7435670c-9447-4c0c-b17c-a1279cd1ddef">Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have come to the conclusion that we want to get legally married within the next few months. We have been together for six years and engaged for nearly one. <strong>We plan on having an actual wedding ceremony not until 2014 in Hawaii for our immediate familes</strong> (neither of us really care about the whole formal ceremony, and were looking at planning a wedding we didn't really care about only to not be able to afford a honeymoon), so we were going to have a small party the day that we get legally married to keep people who can't afford the whole trip from complete uninvolvement. I know I shouldn't care so much about people... but I am just looking for the best way to position this to people so that it doesn't sound like we are just trying to have two parties. <strong>Should we get "married" and then have a "vow renewal"</strong>. And never have a "wedding"? Labels shouldn't matter........ Can you tell I'm stuck in a rut?! haha...
Posted by pejjerz[/QUOTE]

Well as to the first bolded: your ACTUAL wedding ceremony is when you legally get married. So if you decide to get married sooner, that is your actual wedding. The thing in Hawaii would not be. You can't get married to the same person twice.

That's why I'm also confused as to why you're putting "married" in quotes? You WILL be legally married if you decide to wed sooner than your Hawaii trip. Have you already invited people to a wedding in Hawaii and started planning or was this just an idea you were thinking of? If people are already invited and have already started booking things (though it is far out), I would not cancel. I would also be really pissed to pay for and fly all the way to Hawaii and not actually witness you getting married because you did that beforehand.

I think you need to go with one OR the other, not both. If a Hawaii wedding is your dream, do that, then throw a casual party/BBQ/whatever for all your other friends after you get back. If you would rather marry sooner and with more people in attendance, then do that and cancel the Hawaii trip OR make it your HM instead.

artbyallie · December 2012

Well, you're not talking about a postponed wedding if you get married now. That would be the wedding. And no, you can't call the vow renewal a wedding if you're already married. If the legal marriage didn't matter to you, you wouldn't be doing it. It's offensive to accept the legal benefits and pretend like they don't count. There are people who would give anything for a legally-recognized marriage, so don't treat yours like it's not an 'actual wedding.'

pejjerz · December 2012

Thank you for the responses thus far. And yes the post is confusing because I AM confused with what I am doing. Essentially what I was thinking was a marriage and reception with no ceremony, and a family vacation/vow renewal ceremony later. Does that sound totally crazy? And I know this is not proper wedding ettiquette, but for me to even think this train of thought, traditions obviously are not high on my priority list. Also, the only reason we were even interested in this option is so that we didn't have to invite everyone to Hawaii, because even though they are family and we love them, we don't necessarily want more than our parents. So basically the first part was just to keep the others home and still content with feeling like they were a part of it and not completely excluded (grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins...)

SlothGoals · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:45cfd13e-802d-438f-817c-9dd86880df4d">Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the responses thus far. And yes the post is confusing because I AM confused with what I am doing. Essentially what I was thinking was a marriage and reception with no ceremony, and a family vacation/vow renewal ceremony later. Does that sound totally crazy? And I know this is not proper wedding ettiquette, but for me to even think this train of thought, traditions obviously are not high on my priority list. Also, the only reason we were even interested in this option is so that we didn't have to invite everyone to Hawaii, because even though they are family and we love them, we don't necessarily want more than our parents. <strong>So basically the first part was just to keep the others home and still content with feeling like they were a part of it and not completely excluded</strong> (grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins...)
Posted by pejjerz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Part of getting married the way you want to get married will mean disappointing people. Don't get married (the day you sign your marriage licence is the day you get married) and then have a vow renewal just to avoid feeling guilty.</div><div>
</div><div>Have the wedding you and your FI want in Hawaii with just your parents and be happy with it.

</div>

pejjerz · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:5d706af4-7b7f-4e3b-81cd-209de7c5d871">Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions? : Part of getting married the way you want to get married will mean disappointing people. Don't get married (the day you sign your marriage licence is the day you get married) and then have a vow renewal just to avoid feeling guilty. Have the wedding you and your FI want in Hawaii with just your parents and be happy with it.
Posted by kristbot[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for being the only non-attacking post so far. I was starting to think it was the worst train of thought in all wedding planning history...</div>

SlothGoals · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:519b6c47-af22-401f-80e2-4a712efd5489">Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions? : Thank you for being the only non-attacking post so far. I was starting to think it was the worst train of thought in all wedding planning history...
Posted by pejjerz[/QUOTE]

<div>Not gonna lie, it is a pretty bad train of thought, haha. I think you just need to own what you want and not feel bad that some people won't be invited. If you're having a private ceremony (read: just you, FI, parents, and siblings) you can always have a get together (completely non-wedding related with no wedding-y activities) to show you family any photos and celebrate the marriage when you home.</div>

SlothGoals · December 2012

Thank you Liatris for explaining it way better than I did!

pejjerz · December 2012

Thank you for clearing up my terminologya. And this makes a little more sense, as I am not interested in someone walking me down the isle as I have no one, which also throws out any fath-daught dance and anything else that will just make me cry. And I don't care about gifts or parties celebrating me or either of us not being single anymore as it has been a very long time since either of us have felt that way. And honestly the only reason I cared so much to begin with was because I felt like if I didn't wear a gown or have my parents there that I would regret it. So it sounds like I have a clearer idea of what I want to do, and extended family will just have to deal with it. Hopefully...

misssunshine17 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:28fb94a1-213b-41c8-8f7c-4ad089c1c655">Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Take your parents, and have a fabulous destination wedding. Some people may be disappointed they can't be present, but they aren't the folks who have to pay for it. Show them the pictures later. They'll get over it. </strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This. It sounds like you're on the right track, OP. What I can tell you is that I would be piissed if you had a destination wedding after you're legally married and I had to travel to Hawaii for a re-do ceremony. Why not have a small JOP wedding, with your immediate family there, wearing a lovely gown in your home state? Then the fabulous Hawaii honeymoon for the two of you. </div>

Summer2011Bride · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_non-biased-postponed-wedding-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f93b1df4-2d81-4c17-a158-53476725bca9Post:519b6c47-af22-401f-80e2-4a712efd5489">Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non-Biased postponed wedding opinions? : Thank you for being the only non-attacking post so far. I was starting to think it was the worst train of thought in all wedding planning history...
Posted by pejjerz[/QUOTE]

How did anyone else attack you? We gave you the same advice as this poster.

MoxieMickie · December 2012

In Response to Re:NonBiased postponed wedding opinions?:[QUOTE]You will have an actual ceremony at the Courthouse. It isn't just signing a piece of paper.

Talk to the judge who will marry you and see how possible it is to customize the ceremony. Most here will let you write your own vows, have a scripture reading so long as someone other than them reads it, etc. Buy whatever kind of wedding dress you want to wear, wear it to the courthouse, invite your parents, and have a lovely dinner afterwards. Then go on your fabulous honeymoon and call it good. Posted by
StageManager14[/QUOTE]

At least some places also have officiants you can hire. These are people who legally can marry you, are not a classic minister of a church, and will have whatever ceremony you want in your desired location.

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