FI advice... Catholic vs. Outdoor Ceremony

mrskloop · August 2012

My FI was so busy with studying for his CPA exam that he was unable to go with me to look at the venue that I fell in love with. I went with my mom and my aunt. I told him about it, showed him pictures, videos, etc. and he liked it. From the time we got engaged, I discussed with him multiple times about having an outdoor wedding and he was fine with it. I even asked him to make sure he was okay with not having a priest perform our wedding since him and his family are wayyyy more religious than me and my family. Even though we are both Catholic.

So, now he is done with his exam. I have already booked the venue for my ceremony and reception. I have bought a dress that really is perfect for this outdoor wedding and have picked out colors, bridesmaid dresses, everthing! He can finally start helping and when I went over the stuff we need to decide on (caterer, photographer, and officiant) he seems shocked that we weren't having a priest. I reminded him that priests will not perform marriages outside of the church and he acted like I never told him. Soooo I don't know what to do? I know he will go along with the outside ceremony, but am I wrong for not giving in and having a church ceremony? I know it will make him happier (and both of our grandmothers would be ecstatic)... but this is not how I pictured everything...

Sorry, this is more of a vent, but I also want to see if I am doing the wrong thing by sticking with the original plan of an outdoor ceremony. I won't lose any money if I switch it, but my dress would look pretty stupid in a church.

Avion22 · August 2012

You might be able to find a retired priest who is willing to perform your outside ceremony. This way in can incorporate Catholic traditions, though it won't be recognized at all by the Catholic church.

If it's important to either of you that your marriage be recognized by the Catholic church, then you will need to get married in a church, by a priest. It sucks that your fiance didn't realize this before, but he's realized it now. It at least deserved a long discussion where you figure out what is really important to you (catholic traditions in an outdoor ceremony vs. marrige recognized by the church).

Remember this isn't just a discussion about your wedding ceremony, it's also a discussion about your marriage and the role that faith will play in it. Does you fiance envision practicing his faith in the Catholic church? Does he want you to practice with him? If you have kids, will you raise them Catholic? The answers to these questions will help you figure out what kind of ceremony you should have.

Hope this helps.

TheVirginians · August 2012

Avion has a great point about the role of your faith in your future. As an aside, we had a priest come to our non-Catholic wedding, stand with our minister, and partake in the wedding, including blessing us and praying for us.

DeannaCW · August 2012

Honestly, I've never seen a dress that people said wouldn't work in a church that I thought actually wouldn't work in a church. Some indoor dresses don't work for outside, but I honestly don't believe the reverse is true.

I agree with PP that this all comes down to one basic principle: what your religious life is and what you want it to look like in the future. If you want to be active or think you will be active in the Catholic faith, you should get married in a Catholic church. If not, then you can discuss what you want from there on out.

itzMS · August 2012

I would suggest the church wedding as it really is a beautiful experience for two people who share faith. Keep in mind that marriage is a Sacrament in the Catholic faith, so it is quite a time investment in terms of preparation. It is absolutely vital if you plan on having your children Baptized.

If you aren't practicing members of a parish currently, you may have a bit of difficulty. Many churches ask that you be a member for a minimum of 6 months prior to even setting your wedding date. The best option may be to go with the church that FI's family are members of.

MairePoppy · August 2012

If your fi plans to continue to receive communion after your wedding ceremony, then you should get married in the Catholic church. Otherwise, he will have to sit out communion when he attends mass. IMO, it's wrong to pressure your fi to marry outside of the church, just because you want that outdoor ceremony.

The two of you should make an appointment with his priest to discuss this situation, so you will both be able to make an informed decision. Do this asap because you will have to complete a marriage preparation program if you decide to marry in the church.

random4180 · August 2012

I would marry in a church. I'm also Catholic and once I realized that my marriage wouldn't be in good standing with the Church, I had a heart-to-heart with my FI (who's not religious) and he supported my wanting to get married in the Church. It could be your FI had a similar realization as I did and if that's the case, I'd make the concession if I were you. Your dress will look fine in a church; as another PP mentioned, I can't imagine a dress that wouldn't look fine in a Church ceremony. I understand the frustration of planning and getting the smile-and-nod from FI and then having plans fall through but the truth is that sometimes you have to pick your battles and I don't think this is a hill to make your stand on, you know?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2012

I would let him make the decision. We didn't get married outside (although I considered it), but my husband and I did not get married in a Catholic Church - he was raised Catholic, I am not. I asked him SEVERAL times if he was okay not having a Catholic ceremony. (His grandmother had a full funeral mass, his father went to Catholic school from K-12, and his mother converted before marriage so his parents could have a full nuptial mass, etc.)

Booking a venue is not reason enough to ignore his feelings. Come on. If he cheated on you would you say, "Oh, well, I mean we already ordered the BM dresses..." No! You'd at least pause wedding planning and work things out, if you even decided to stay together. Venues, dresses, etc are all just things. All paraphenalia. The marriage is what's important, and for many Catholics, having their marriage recognized by the church is important.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

In Germany many people have two ceremonies and here is why. In Germany you have to have a civil cermony for the marriage to be legal. That is usually attended by the parents & the maid of honor & best man. Sometimes siblings are included depending on number. But extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends are not invited. When that is done, the couple are just dressed up like in Sunday Church clothes. But many couples still want the religious ceremony experience also so usually have that a day or two later. Maybe you could do a reverse.

Have a small religious ceremony with just parents, siblings & bridal party in nice clothes & then change & go of & do your outdoor wedding that you're dreaming of. This way he gets a marriage recognized by the church but you still get your venue.

monkeysip · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fi-advice-catholic-vs-outdoor-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f7e67241-426a-4536-9fe9-159400897e94Post:f3799b2a-61d5-4784-91a0-bc43df09c607">Re: FI advice... Catholic vs. Outdoor Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Germany many people have two ceremonies and here is why. In Germany you have to have a civil cermony for the marriage to be legal. That is usually attended by the parents & the maid of honor & best man. Sometimes siblings are included depending on number. But extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends are not invited. When that is done, the couple are just dressed up like in Sunday Church clothes. But many couples still want the religious ceremony experience also so usually have that a day or two later. Maybe you could do a reverse. Have a small religious ceremony with just parents, siblings & bridal party in nice clothes & then change & go of & do your outdoor wedding that you're dreaming of. This way he gets a marriage recognized by the church but you still get your venue.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

The two ceremonies thing (secular and religious) is a legal issue in many european countries. They only do this because religious officiants do not have the legal capacity to officially marry a couple.

But that's not the case in America. Here, you get one wedding, and it is legal, and if you also choose, religious. The first ceremony would be her legal and legit wedding, and the second "ceremony" would just be for show.

Honestly, I agree with most other pps. You don't choose a religious ceremony just to please family, you choose it because religion is important to at least one of the spouses. You also don't reject a religious ceremony just because you want the aesthetic beauty of an outdoor ceremony. You really need to have an honest discussion about the role religion will play in your relationship.

flicc03 · August 2012

I am a Catholic bride planning to marry a non-Catholic groom. Originally, we had planned on having an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom's uncle, who is also non-Catholic. I spoke with the priest after Mass one day about how the Church does not recognize outdoor weddings. He offered the option of doing a small ceremony prior to the actual wedding in order to have the union recognized in the Church. We seriously considered this option and I realized how important my faith was to me. Luckily, my fiance' supported my decision and agreed to a Catholic wedding (without the full mass).

One thing that has bothered me about the other posts here is about the children. My fiance' and I have a young child together. Our son was baptized before we were even engaged and we had absolutely no issues at all in the Church! He is recognized as a Catholic just as any other person in the Church! Also, I know many people who have had wedding ceremonies in other places than a Catholic Church and their children have also been baptized without any issues from the Church.

I believe that you should speak with the priest your groom knows best, but do so as a couple. That allows you both the opportunity to voice your opinions and concerns to someone who better understands the practices and guidelines set by the Catholic Church. No offense to anyone who has posted on here, but I know for a fact that I do not know every in and out of the Church. I pray that you are able to resolve this issue and come to an agreement that you and your fiance' are both okay with.

Best of Luck!

monkeysip · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fi-advice-catholic-vs-outdoor-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f7e67241-426a-4536-9fe9-159400897e94Post:1ab2194d-623f-45d8-9869-1823317f95f0">Re: FI advice... Catholic vs. Outdoor Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a Catholic bride planning to marry a non-Catholic groom. Originally, we had planned on having an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom's uncle, who is also non-Catholic. I spoke with the priest after Mass one day about how the Church does not recognize outdoor weddings. He offered the option of doing a small ceremony prior to the actual wedding in order to have the union recognized in the Church. We seriously considered this option and I realized how important my faith was to me. Luckily, my fiance' supported my decision and agreed to a Catholic wedding (without the full mass). One thing that has bothered me about the other posts here is about the children. My fiance' and I have a young child together. Our son was baptized before we were even engaged and we had absolutely no issues at all in the Church! He is recognized as a Catholic just as any other person in the Church! Also, I know many people who have had wedding ceremonies in other places than a Catholic Church and their children have also been baptized without any issues from the Church. I believe that you should speak with the priest your groom knows best, but do so as a couple. That allows you both the opportunity to voice your opinions and concerns to someone who better understands the practices and guidelines set by the Catholic Church. No offense to anyone who has posted on here, but I know for a fact that I do not know every in and out of the Church. I pray that you are able to resolve this issue and come to an agreement that you and your fiance' are both okay with. Best of Luck!
Posted by flicc03[/QUOTE]

Just to clarify... there is no official rule against baptizing a baby whose parents are either married outside the church or not married at all.

Most priests want to baptize a baby no matter what because it's important for the baby's soul.

However, a priest also wants to be sure that if he baptizes the baby, that the child will be raised Catholic. If the parents married outside the Church, then the priest might feel unsure of how committed the parents are to raising the child Catholic. Of course, just because you marry outside the Church doesn't mean you can't teach the child about catholicism, bring him/her to mass, etc., but it could be difficult when the child asks why mommy and daddy can't receive communion.

For parents who aren't married yet, they could still be practicing Catholics, so I don't think a priest would hesitate as much in this situation. But it's really just up to the priest and whether he can discern that the parents will make some attempt at raising the child Catholic.

Cryssteen · August 2012

A friend of mine had a catholic priest at an outside venue ceremony. It was the same priest he had throughout his sacraments. I would call around to every church you can find.

Lisa50 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fi-advice-catholic-vs-outdoor-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f7e67241-426a-4536-9fe9-159400897e94Post:b9a0b330-dd72-4d3b-9460-0916caa5259d">FI advice... Catholic vs. Outdoor Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI was so busy with studying for his CPA exam that he was unable to go with me to look at the venue that I fell in love with. I went with my mom and my aunt. I told him about it, showed him pictures, videos, etc. and he liked it. From the time we got engaged, I discussed with him multiple times about having an outdoor wedding and he was fine with it. I even asked him to make sure he was okay with not having a priest perform our wedding since him and his family are wayyyy more religious than me and my family. Even though we are both Catholic. So, now he is done with his exam. I have already booked the venue for my ceremony and reception. I have bought a dress that really is perfect for this outdoor wedding and have picked out colors, bridesmaid dresses, everthing! He can finally start helping and when I went over the stuff we need to decide on (caterer, photographer, and officiant) he seems shocked that we weren't having a priest. I reminded him that priests will not perform marriages outside of the church and he acted like I never told him. Soooo I don't know what to do? I know he will go along with the outside ceremony, but am I wrong for not giving in and having a church ceremony? I know it will make him happier (and both of our grandmothers would be ecstatic)... but this is not how I pictured everything... Sorry, this is more of a vent, but I also want to see if I am doing the wrong thing by sticking with the original plan of an outdoor ceremony. I won't lose any money if I switch it, but my dress would look pretty stupid in a church.
Posted by mrskloop[/QUOTE]

I think you know exactly what to do. Now that your FI has his head out of the books, it is time for the two of you to plan -- together -- the ceremony and reception you both want and can agree upon. Whatever you planned for your (referring to "my" bold and in red, above) needs to be set aside for something you both plan and execute.

Good luck on round 2 of planning your wedding! Look at it this way, you've had some good practice. Enjoy!!

grinningkat · September 2012

You can have your marriage blessed by the Catholic Church and then they will recognize your marriage as being Catholic. That way you both get what you want. That is what we are doing. Outdoor ceremony with Catholic Blessing later.

http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/

From their site:

If you've already been married in a civil ceremony, how can you have your marriage recognized as valid by the Church? Talk to your pastor, who will probably recommend a process called convalidation; it usually involves an expedited marriage preparation process (to determine that there is no impediment to the marriage) and a simple celebration of the sacrament of marriage so that the consent of the couple to be married can be witnessed by the Church. Another process, called radical sanation, may sometimes be used to recognize a marriage as valid without a formal exchange of consent (vows).

While you may be (understandably) eager to be married as soon as possible, giving your whole selves to one another for the rest of your lives is a huge commitment—and a much greater challenge than waiting to be married. Taking the time to prepare for that lifelong giving through the sacrament of marriage will ultimately make your marriage stronger and richer.

FI advice... Catholic vs. Outdoor Ceremony

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