The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!

RKwedding2011 · May 2011

The world needs to get used to 2nd + weddings! Happily ever after doesn't always happen the first time. We are so lucky to find our happily ever after though.

I was just thinking about this the other day. There are so many divorces. People just don't always get things right the first time. Sometimes we just get older wiser and luckier.

Have you had anyone make comments about your wedding not being your first one? Fortunately, I have not had a problem with it. I've been a divorced, single mom for so long that people are happy for us! I hope everyone is getting good support also.

Katie

2dBride · May 2011

I got no comments at all about mine being a second wedding--and that was true even though we did a lot of things (e.g., having it in a synagogue, wearing long white dresses) that are more traditionally associated with first weddings. Then again, we had been together for 8 years before we could legally get married anywhere (same-sex marriage). And my second marriage was over 30 years after my first one. Our friends were thrilled that we were finally making it legal, not judgmental about our choices.

Lisa50 · May 2011

A guy I've known for a long time (brother of a life-long friend) asked, "You're getting married again?" with a gasp. My response (laughing) was, "Why not? If at first you don't succeed, try again in 19 years!" That eased the mood.

The only other negative reactions have been from young, first time brides here on TK. I have had more than just a couple of responses include, "Well ... that's because it's a second wedding ..." in reaction to some of my choices. I'm wearing a blue dress ("That's because it's a second wedding.") ... I wore a pink dress for my first wedding. Stuff like that.

Other than that (which, in the scheme of things, is nothing!), it's been really great. Friends and family have been supportive and excited for us. Now if they'd just get off their butts and reply. LOL!

IslandBeachBride · May 2011

This is one of the reasons I'm eloping, I don't have to hear all the negative BS to bring me down. I don't care what they say after the fact. Both his & my immediate family know - everyone else is clueless & fine by me.

The only negative comments I've gotten is also from TK 1st time brides. And why is it just because a flippin MOD (who I will keep nameless) gives HER opinion it should be engraved in the Wedding Bible as their holy spoken word?
I've noticed a few MOD's on various boards (not this one) who are so rude in their responses to simple questions. Just bugs the h*ll out of me. ok, I'm off my soapbox now. lol!

mmhepb · May 2011

The only negative comment I've heard was from my mother who insists we should "just go to the JP" because it's our second marriage. All of our friends have been really supportive.

Sue-n-Kevin · May 2011

This is my first wedding, my fiance's 3rd. I guess I've been pretty fortunate, because his family likes me, and I have not heard ONE negative opinion.

I agree with the prior posters though........we have a Second Wedding board for a reason........kinder, gentler, more mature attitudes.

Peckles · May 2011

I heard a lot of talk about this being my husband's second wedding - from his family's side. All they talked about to me was how they hated his first wife. It got so annoying that I just wanted to run off and elope.

Now that we've had our wedding I haven't heard one thing. It's been nice.

fireytiger · May 2011

Yeah, my family all has boycotted my wedding because I got married when I was 18 and divorced 8 months later. I really feel like these people need to grow up some, y'know? How immature is that to treat me like that, even after all the horrible stuff other people in the family have done and they still accept them? Ugh.

lindaloulubbock · May 2011

Well, all three of my siblings are divorced as were my parents (my mom and stepdad raised me). My sister and my parents both eloped when they got remarried. Neither of my stepbrothers is remarried, but both are in serious relationships.

There's definitely an opinion of my second wedding being excessive. While it is more than I wanted, it is my FIs one and only wedding, and he wants a more traditional affair. At one point I got very upset with my mom and explained that her negativity wasn't really helpful since I was struggling with the second wedding myself, and I was really just doing it for FI and his family. Since then she hasn't said anything.

My friends have been amazingly supportive. I don't hear much about it from anyone else, but I will also say that I haven't talked about this wedding with anyone beyond my close friends and family. My work knows I'm getting married, but no one really knows any details. I figured the less I share, the less opinions I'll hear, and the happier I'll be.

butterflyroy78 · May 2011

Well, I have been divorced and a single mom for over a decade, so like the OP, people are just happy for me and my son (he finally has a father figure). I think the general consensus is that at 19, my first marriage really didn't "count" (young and dumb). My grandparents approve of this one! They told me so!

PhoenixMama · May 2011

We have not told my family yet for good reason. My parents don't think I should ever marry again, as this will be my third. But I know exactly why the first two didn't work. (abuse) And I also know I have broken the cycle of abuse with my totally amazing, respectful, loving FI. I'm hoping the long engagment will help prove things are different.

I can already see my Mom starting to bond with FI. lol So she is starting to let her guard down and accept he isn't like the others.

His parents and our friends are really supportive and happy. All of his friends keep telling us how refreshing it is to see a love like ours and how good we are to each other. His parents could care less that I've been married before. They get it and they said they will never judge me for my past. They see how much I love their son and how happy he is with me and that's all that matters to them.

I'm sort of bracing myself for snarky comments from my Mom's family when they find out in a couple of weeks that FI and I are liviing together. (family reunion is then, I go for my children's sake to play with their cousins) The thought of most of them is I have young children and that is all I should be worried about right now and I didn't even have buisness dating while I have young children.

But I could always be pleasantly surprised too when they see how awesome my FI is.

Not all the family is like that anyway. Some of them will just be thrilled to see me happy!

But in general... I really agree that people just need to get off their high horses and learn to stop judging people. You can never know a person's reasons until you have walked in their shoes. Be happy when your fellow human is happy.

Marrin713 · May 2011

H and I were dating for 7 years so people were really excited to hear that we were getting married.

MikesAngie · May 2011

Since we were high school sweethearta and best friends until we were 21-22ish our families couldn't wait for the date! They were so happy for us and both sides treated this as though it was a first wedding (our first).

Vendors on the other hand well... there were a couple who dared to be negative so I spent my pennies elsewhere.

I also lurked and decided to avoid the other TK boards because those first- timers can be a mean group.

mightyoakes · May 2011

I hate the "and its your second wedding ..." like it doesn't have the same importance.

But, there are other things that are positive: My FIL's were not at my FH first wedding because it was in South America. FMIL got all emotional when she was showing me her dress (in a good way) it made me feel good that she is looking forward to this.

I agree so much with what a few of you have said that sometimes it just doesn't go right the first time. The way I look at it is I wouldn't have my two beautiful daughters and KNOW what I wanted and needed from my marriage if I hadn't had the first one.

There's my two cents!
Christine

rapunnzzll · May 2011

My mom mentioned the money one time. I tried explaining how we both felt that finding someone after what we had both been through was such a great thing that we wanted to celebrate it with everyone we love, and she has never said anything else. FI and I have been together for almost 9 years. My older sister has been the worst. She just can't seem to simply be happy for me. Someone who is not family said they thought she was jealous of me. I never thought about that, but perhaps they are right. She used to be the one who seemed to have it all, but now she is just a very unhappy, resentful person. My younger sister's daughter moved her wedding up a year to put it a month after ours so I've been getting a lot of snarky comments from both sister's about this and that. Being the peacemaker as always, I don't say a lot and try to just let it go. At my bridal shower a couple of weeks ago, about the only thing they could talk about was my niece's wedding.

I did speak up one time with my older sister. She was going off about it being on a Friday, being too late for her grandkids, etc, etc. After hearing this on several conversations, I finally told her that everyone has known for over a year and if it was too difficult to arrange to be there then obviously, those people mean more to us than we do to them. It's been hard at times for me because she and I grew up as best friends and remained that way for many years. Not really sure what changed, but I do miss not having my best friend around like I used to.

I hope that everyone is able to put things aside as we need to and not let anyone put a damper of any kind on what ever our plans are for our weddings.

blush64 · May 2011

The thing I get that bugs me is when I hear a person, usually young, say "when I get married I'll only get married once" or something to that effect.

How many people get married thinking they'll probably get married again sometime after the divorce?? I usually tell them I always thought I'd have several marriages before I found "the one".

People I know have been great for the most part. There were a few "why don't you just go away and elope, why don't you save money?" They have not said that to the first time brides in the family. I excuse one of them because I really think she would have done exactly that if she had her time back.

jdrose5 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_world-needs-used-2nd-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:4c4e6d6c-55bb-4576-b345-2d0542e6d700Post:16881fa4-1df3-4838-a040-935ba5ae3522">Re: The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing I get that bugs me is when I hear a person, usually young, say "when I get married I'll only get married once" or something to that effect. How many people get married thinking they'll probably get married again sometime after the divorce??
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

I was quilty of this once.   When I got married I was certain I was only going to get married one time.   It didn't even cross my mind that I could end up a widow in my 30's.   It didn't cross my mind that someone would come along that loved me and wanted to be there for me and my kids.

I got my first second wedding comment this weekend.   I was talking to the GF of my FI's cousin. She was floored to learn that FI and I are not living together. So she asked if we were going to move in together or get married... I said he proposed just the weekend before.   She then started talking that if her and her BF get married they are going to elope because well since it is a second wedding for both of them there is no reason to waste time and money on a wedding.   Then started talking how she wasn't sure how it should be handled since it is my FI's first wedding and my second.

Thankfully no one seems to have issue with the fact that as a widow I am getting remarried.   There just seems to be varying views on what type of wedding I am entitled to have. A few years ago my grandmother mentioned she didn't want to go to my cousin's wedding because it was his second, but felt she had to because she went to my brother's wedding the same year.   She even asked my mother if it was OK to not give a gift because she gave my cousin and his first wife a gift so why should she do a second gift.

blush64 · May 2011

But that's my point. No one actually, in real life, get married NOT thinking they will have to get married again. Saying it just kind of trashes those of us who are divorced as if we are less than them and didn't do it "right" or take it seriously enough. That isn't usually the case.

Also, I am really sorry for your loss and happy that you found a wonderful man to share your life with.

Marrin713 · May 2011

Hmmmm.....I DID have doubts going into the first one, but that wedding train was a-rolling and of course I thought "once we're married, he'll change or I'll change or something will change." I really admire those people who can jump off the train before their weddings and just say no. There's one on SB or maybe two who have just either canceled their weddings or put them off for a bit until they can get counseling or figure out what they want to do as far as the relationship goes.

PhoenixMama · May 2011

I had doubts with my first wedding too... and like PP mentioned... the wedding train was rolling. It was about a month before the wedding where he started trashing me all the time, and he basically told me to go have an affair because he was never going to touch me again. Nice huh? He was suffering from major depression and self esteem issues. I should have cancelled the wedding or post poned it or something.

But I NEEDED the life lessons I have gone through. I would have never found the amazing man I have beside me today without all the hell I went through, that brought me to the point of finally breaking generations of abuse.

I don't know... this was just my hand of cards. My life lessons were hard, but I really appreciate having gone through them and getting to REALLY know the person I am and exactly what I want in life and where I would never settle again. I didn't have that kind of wisdom with my first marriage. I think I was still struggling to figure out me then!

Also... not sure where you ladies are receiving snark from frist time brides. That is so messed up! :-( I haven't run across that yet, thankfully.

jdrose5 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_world-needs-used-2nd-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:4c4e6d6c-55bb-4576-b345-2d0542e6d700Post:4f430854-db6d-45ac-a713-b910e6bceaaa">Re: The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!</a>:
[QUOTE]But that's my point. No one actually, in real life, get married NOT thinking they will have to get married again. Saying it just kind of trashes those of us who are divorced as if we are less than them and didn't do it "right" or take it seriously enough. That isn't usually the case. Also, I am really sorry for your loss and happy that you found a wonderful man to share your life with.
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

But I was rude and DID say it. I the statement directed more at my mom who was married 3 times and acted better than everyone around her. (She actually wasn't invited to my wedding...) So I was rude. but I have grown up a great deal since then. THANKFULLY

And thank you for your kind words.

jdrose5 · May 2011

Ohh and meant to add it wasn't that my mom was married 3 times that irked me but she would pretend she was married once and then ACT like she was better than people that had gotten divorced. She actually would LIE and let people think my step-dad was my father so that no one KNEW she was divorced. So that was the attitude that IRKED me and what I was being rude to.

She also thinks it is acceptable for me to have a big wedding because I am a widow but if I were divorced it would be a NO/NO. I just think those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! She off all people shouldn't have room to dictate what I can or can't have for my wedding.

blush64 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_world-needs-used-2nd-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:4c4e6d6c-55bb-4576-b345-2d0542e6d700Post:40c68e89-899d-4feb-aa40-a143b640258b">Re: The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ohh and meant to add it wasn't that my mom was married 3 times that irked me but she would pretend she was married once and then ACT like she was better than people that had gotten divorced. She actually would LIE and let people think my step-dad was my father so that no one KNEW she was divorced. So that was the attitude that IRKED me and what I was being rude to. She also thinks it is acceptable for me to have a big wedding because I am a widow but if I were divorced it would be a NO/NO. I just think those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! She off all people shouldn't have room to dictate what I can or can't have for my wedding.
Posted by jdrose5[/QUOTE]

to be honest if it's said with a purpose then maybe it's not really rude. I mean we could hold out tongues sometimes but maybe she did need to hear it. that's different. :)

soon to be mrs pham · June 2011

i havent gotten any comments but i think it is because of two things 1.its his first wedding 2.i keep my mouth closed about it around 1st timers on the boards (why do they need to know?)

kishacene · June 2011

At first my fiance didn't want me to wear white. When I found a dress in my price range that I loved...and it is white...he got used to the idea. I am having the wedding of my dreams. It is my second and his third. I have not had any of the comments I expected. It wouldn't matter... I have dreamed of having a real wedding my whole life and that is what I am doing. There is a point where people's opinions just don't matter. But I will try to tell them this with love.

Kamakanani · June 2011

To be honest, my family was very supportive and excited to hear our good news. FI's mom was happy to, though her comment of "it's about time, you two aren't getting any younger" was a bit unexpected (since we both turn 30 this year). The only issue that has come up was FI's dad, who doesn't like that I'm an "experienced woman." His dad supported our friendship through my divorce, but once he found out FI was seeing me romantically.....

The kicker was when FI's dad told FI that he didn't have to stop seeing me, but he should date other women. This was said after FI told his dad that we were engaged.

As for the wedding? I sometimes worry people might say I shouldn't do a lot of the things I'm planning for our wedding, but at the same time, any of my friends/family that were at my 1st wedding will understand, and support my choices. I gave up SO much last time around. This time, I plan on having a nice wedding, where I'm not ashamed to show off wedding pictures.

The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!

Re: The world needs to get used to 2nd+ weddings!

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