Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family

lauraweston2 · November 2012

As my headline states this is battle roy-ale!

I'm a ver dedicated, practicing catholic, FI isn't practicing anything. We wanted an afternoon church ceremony and a baseball reception at our local minor league RED SOX (woot!)
When we sat his mother down to tell her, she got angry and upset and her first question was "Well what donomination is the ceremony?"
Both of us stunned, FI said catholic, she then continues to go on about how his father (god bless his soul, passed away 4yrs) would've never supported marrying a catholic!
How awful my faith is and how strict we are, we're horrible people etc. etc.

FI and I have been dating for 3yrs, she has never had a problem with me. She knew i was catholic and you can count the amount of times she's been to church on one hand.

What should we do to compromise? Eloping is not an option

NOLAbridealmost · November 2012

Well, this is a tough one. But the NUMBER ONE (and, frankly, ONLY) consideration should be what you and your FI want.

Unlike most aspects of wedding planning, the religious stuff is STRICTLY between you and your FI and what you believe. If FI is willing to do the Catholic ceremony, then that's that. As you know, if you don't follow certain requirements and you're a Catholic, you'll be excommunicated.

Your FI's mom getting bent out of shape should play NO role in that choice for both of you.

Jen4948 · November 2012

I think you need first of all to stand together and nip any more negativity about your faith in the bud. He needs to say, "Mom, we're not willing to hear that from you."

After that, unfortunately, I'm not sure what else you can do to "compromise" because to my knowledge, Catholicism has some pretty strict requirements for weddings, and they won't recognize you as "married" if you don't follow them closely. I'd talk to a priest about what elements the Church would allow you to make your own decisions on, but he may well say "none."

MairePoppy · November 2012

You shouldn't make any compromises.

Your FMIL insulted you. Your fi should let her know that he will not tolerate that kind of disrespect toward you, that the two of you have decided to get married in the Catholic church and she has no input on that particular decision. If she starts up again, he should leave or hang up.

That is one nasty woman. You have my sympathy.

DiannaLawley2Be · November 2012

I completely understand what youre going through! It is horrible! I am catholic and my FI jewish and the problem rests more on our families pushing each of us for what we want!

In your case you and your FI have already agreed together what you two wanted (Hopefully I can reach at least THAT point soon lol) so that is what you have to fight for and have your FI fight for as well.

How your IL handled that situation was very rude, and I think that if your fiancee had a discussion with her just them two and he said how he agreed to it fully then that should help out a tad and then try to involve her more in other aspects of the wedding

BEST OF LUCK

zitiqueen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-baptist-mother-vs-brides-catholic-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:967cc6de-b86a-4a2a-bff4-d9f42b0b0004Post:8153a336-ba62-44b3-b7f3-b14a6c7aa4eb">Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family</a>:
[QUOTE]As my headline states this is battle roy-ale! I'm a ver dedicated, practicing catholic, FI isn't practicing anything. We wanted an afternoon church ceremony and a baseball reception at our local minor league RED SOX (woot!) When we sat his mother down to tell her, she got angry and upset and her first question was "Well what donomination is the ceremony?" Both of us stunned, FI said catholic, she then continues to go on about how his father (god bless his soul, passed away 4yrs) would've never supported marrying a catholic! How awful my faith is and how strict we are, we're horrible people etc. etc. FI and I have been dating for 3yrs, she has never had a problem with me. She knew i was catholic and you can count the amount of times she's been to church on one hand. What should we do to compromise? Eloping is not an option
Posted by lauraweston2[/QUOTE]

What was your FI's response to this?

renegade gaucho · November 2012

You and your fiance get to make your own decisions about religion- no one else's opinion should have any bearing on the type of wedding you have or how you continue living your life after the wedding.

I hope your fiance told his mom that she will not be a part of his life until she apologizes to you for the horrible things she said and starts treating you with respect.

mandi195 · November 2012

There isn't much room for compromise when it comes to Catholic marriage. As a Catholic who is planning my second wedding, I know the inner workings far more than I ever intended to. Bottom line, make sure that you and your FI stand for what you want. As a Catholic, any marriage outside of the Catholic Church (or without a Catholic ceremony basically accepting another marriage into the Catholic church) will mean that you are no longer able to partake in the sacraments. No communion, which is a HUGE deal to all Catholics.
I'd talk to your priest, your FI, and your families. Best of luck.

Lisa50 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-baptist-mother-vs-brides-catholic-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:967cc6de-b86a-4a2a-bff4-d9f42b0b0004Post:0a2c916e-33e1-49a8-8f0e-ba4096e040da">Re: Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family</a>:
[QUOTE]There isn't much room for compromise when it comes to Catholic marriage. As a Catholic who is planning my second wedding, I know the inner workings far more than I ever intended to. Bottom line, make sure that you and your FI stand for what you want. As a Catholic, any marriage outside of the Catholic Church (or without a Catholic ceremony basically accepting another marriage into the Catholic church) will mean that you are no longer able to partake in the sacraments. No communion, which is a HUGE deal to all Catholics. I'd talk to your priest, your FI, and your families. Best of luck.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

OP, I've not known of any priest who has held his hand up in refusal when a person whose marriage is not recognized by the Church steps up to receive Holy Communion. I'm sure a handful exist somewhere on the planet, so I won't make it an absolute.

That stated, this is your choice -- your fiance's and yours. If your preference is to marry in the Church, do it. Invite your FMIL to join you in a one-on-one outing, consider CMGr's advice to introduce her to the dogma and doctrine of the Church. Even if she resists, she may well appreciate your gesture (if not now, perhaps later). Good luck!

MairePoppy · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-baptist-mother-vs-brides-catholic-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:967cc6de-b86a-4a2a-bff4-d9f42b0b0004Post:e934dadc-6e32-43e2-8575-800e95f850d2">Re: Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family : OP, I've not known of any priest who has held his hand up in refusal when a person whose marriage is not recognized by the Church steps up to receive Holy Communion. I'm sure a handful exist somewhere on the planet, so I won't make it an absolute. That stated, this is your choice -- your fiance's and yours. If your preference is to marry in the Church, do it. Invite your FMIL to join you in a one-on-one outing, consider CMGr's advice to introduce her to the dogma and doctrine of the Church. Even if she resists, she may well appreciate your gesture (if not now, perhaps later). Good luck!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

Lisa - I once belonged to a church where the pastor, as well as the other priests, would have refused communion to someone if he knew the person was living in a marriage not recognized by the church. He also refused communion to those he knew were not Catholic. I have seen him do it. He lovingly offered a blessing, but refused to give communion. He was a wonderful, caring man who wasn't afraid to stand up for what he thought was right.

bibliophile2010 · November 2012

Lots of people receive communion who shouldn't. That doesn't make it ok. Officially, if one is in an unrecognized marriage, they should not receive. A priest who knows this has the right and, IMO, responsibility to deny them communion.

As a devout Catholic. Stage is right. Having a Catholic wedding was a big stinking deal to me and would have been non-negotiable had I married outside the faith.

mandi195 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-baptist-mother-vs-brides-catholic-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:967cc6de-b86a-4a2a-bff4-d9f42b0b0004Post:5318f1fd-6418-4ace-bf42-cc1c494c9862">Re: Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of people receive communion who shouldn't. That doesn't make it ok. Officially, if one is in an unrecognized marriage, they should not receive. A priest who knows this has the right and, IMO, responsibility to deny them communion. As a devout Catholic. Stage is right. Having a Catholic wedding was a big stinking deal to me and would have been non-negotiable had I married outside the faith.
Posted by bibliophile2010[/QUOTE]
Exacly this.

MairePoppy · November 2012

Stage, it's not just you.

FTR. I left the church a long time ago because I don't agree with it's stand on many social issues. But still, it irritates me to see someone give out false information about the church.

stantokm · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-baptist-mother-vs-brides-catholic-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:967cc6de-b86a-4a2a-bff4-d9f42b0b0004Post:5318f1fd-6418-4ace-bf42-cc1c494c9862">Re: Groom's Baptist Mother vs. Bride's Catholic family</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of people receive communion who shouldn't. That doesn't make it ok. Officially, if one is in an unrecognized marriage, they should not receive. A priest who knows this has the right and, IMO, responsibility to deny them communion. As a devout Catholic. Stage is right. Having a Catholic wedding was a big stinking deal to me and would have been non-negotiable had I married outside the faith.
Posted by bibliophile2010[/QUOTE]

Agreed. If the Catholic in question marries outside of the Catholic sacrament of marriage and then continues to receive communion knowing that he/she isn't allowed, that is a mortal sin. A priest made me cry in confession once because I had received communion even though I had missed one or two Masses prior to that. He wasn't trying to be mean, just trying to impart on me what a serious offense it was in the eyes of the Church.

I would agree with the PP who said to let her know the basics of what Catholics believe. Focus on what is similar between Catholics and Protestants. Unfortunately, there really are people who think that Catholics aren't Christians.

DMOH66 · November 2012

Jeez people What planet are you living on?

Its 2012 and the Catholic Church is in such a mess that most (at least here in Ireland) dont give a toss whether you marry in the Catholic Church or not!!

FYI the Catholic Church recognises civil marriages ie those taking place in registry offices , in other Churches and I know that as a divorced catholic currently living with my Methodist partner and getting married next year at a funfair in England(his hometown) my local priest is happy not only to officiate a blessing but also offer me the sacrements that are VERY important to me.

Maybe its just different here in Ireland??

mandi195 · November 2012

I'm assuming it's VERY different in Ireland, if what you say is the "norm" there.
I am a Catholic, and was previously married in a civil ceremony. The Catholic Church does not recognize my 1st marriage at all. However, my FI was also previously married in a civil ceremony, but since he and his ex-wife are NOT Catholic, the Church DOES recognize his 1st marriage. We are currently going through a Catholic annulment process so we can get married in the Church this time around.
So, it still is very important where one marries, as any marriage of a Catholic in anything other than a Catholic Marriage by a priest is not recognized. My faith is very important to me, and thus I have had to jump through the hoops and do my homework on this so as to make sure I am living my life in such a way as to allow me to continue to practice my faith.

NamelessAria · November 2012

I'm having a similar issue only the other way around. I'm protestant and I was raised in the Baptist church but my FI is Catholic. He isn't really that devout but his family is. Some of my family have strange ideas about the Catholics and a few of them do not even consider Catholics to be Christians at all. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with being Catholic at all. I think people need to realize that in the end Catholics and Protestants hold the same core beliefs and really just aren't all that different. You're the bride and it sounds like you're also the only one who is really devout and active in a church so I would say that the wedding should be what you want and you're comfortable with... so long as your FI is okay with that.

If it is very important to you that your FMIL be comfortable with your choices for the ceremony you may want to sit down with her and have a converation about what a Baptist wedding would look like to her and then explain how you want to have your wedding. I'm assuming (based off the research I've done on Catholic weddings compared to Protestant for my FI's family) that the two won't be all that different. Especially since it is my understand that mass is not required for a wedding to meet with Catholic requirements. The big differences that I saw were things like Catholics weddings require music that is spiritual and "beautiful" or something like that (think Canon in D by Pachelbel, or Ava Maria) whereas Pretestant weddings are usually more flexible.

For me and my FI we decided that we wanted more traditional music anyhow so that wasn't a point of contention. We chose not to have a mass since none of my family is Catholic and we do not want anyone to be uncomfortable or feel out of place.

I wish you all the best!

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