Wedding Etiquette Forum

bridal shower - 2 questions

i previously posted this in customs/traditions first, so i appologize if you read this twice

1. I have heard that it is customary for the groom to be to 'show up' toward the end of a bridal shower. is that correct? 

2. due to the holidays and my mother/motherinlaw's schedules, both showers will be done before the save the dates go out. I have already heard one comment that it's odd that they hadn't gotten an invite to the wedding. everyone who is invited to the shower will be invited to the local reception, but we are doing a destination wedding with limited people. what is the propper way to handle that situation?

Thanks!

Re: bridal shower - 2 questions

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-2-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c76a6977-5787-45c9-ba88-f49221f70339Post:7564af61-4c17-436a-938b-8322ef6e4cf8">bridal shower - 2 questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]i previously posted this in customs/traditions first, so i appologize if you read this twice
    1. I have heard that it is customary for the groom to be to 'show up' toward the end of a bridal shower. is that correct? 
    <strong>This might be a regional/cultural thing. I've only seen it done once. The groom's mother was hosting and she asked that he show up with flowers to surprise the bride.</strong>
    2. due to the holidays and my mother/motherinlaw's schedules, both showers will be done before the save the dates go out. I have already heard one comment that it's odd that they hadn't gotten an invite to the wedding. everyone who is invited to the shower will be invited to the local reception, but we are doing a destination wedding with limited people. what is the propper way to handle that situation? Thanks!
    <strong>Everyone who is invited to your shower should also be invited to the destination wedding, or you really shouldn't be having a shower.  The invitees have a right to feel a bit miffed. They're good enough to be invited to a shower to give you a gift, but not good enough to witness your ceremony?
    Showers more than 3 months in advance of the wedding are a bit uncommon, but not unheard of so I'd say your OK from that perspective.  </strong>
    Posted by melindalynnrieck[/QUOTE]
  • edited September 2012
    If you're not inviting them to the ceremony, they shouldn't be invited to a shower... As far as the groom showing up, DH did show up around 3 hours into my shower to thank the guests and help bring gifts home. It was mostly his family and family's friends, those, with only my mom, aunt, and cousin from my side.
  • Everything Kelly said.  If you are having an AHR later after the destination wedding, those people invited to the AHR should also be invited to the wedding.  AHR usually are to have a small reception for those who were invited, but unable to attend the DW.
  • I've been to pretty many showers where the groom shows up at the very end to thank everyone and help take gifts home, but I would say this is completely up to you if you want to do this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-2-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c76a6977-5787-45c9-ba88-f49221f70339Post:7564af61-4c17-436a-938b-8322ef6e4cf8">bridal shower - 2 questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]i previously posted this in customs/traditions first, so i appologize if you read this twice 1. I have heard that it is customary for the groom to be to 'show up' toward the end of a bridal shower. is that correct?  2. due to the holidays and my mother/motherinlaw's schedules, both showers will be done before the save the dates go out. I have already heard one comment that it's odd that they hadn't gotten an invite to the wedding. everyone who is invited to the shower will be invited to the local reception, but we are doing a destination wedding with limited people. what is the propper way to handle that situation? Thanks!
    Posted by melindalynnrieck[/QUOTE]

    To answer your first question, I think it is fine if the groom wants to show up at the end. That is what my FI plans on doing for the shower that is being hosted by his mother.

    As far as people receiving the shower invites before the wedding invites, it's okay because they will receive their invite eventually, but in your case you have people who are not invited to the ceremony so they should have not gotten a shower invite. It looks like you are just asking for gifts. Only the people who were invited to the actual wedding should have gotten an invite to the shower. Too late now though! At least you are inviting everyone to the at home reception.
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  • My fiance was there at the beginning of the shower (it wasn't a surprise, I was there early in-fact, helping my mom decorate the space)… he greated everyone and then took off with my dad and some of the husbands for a guys lunch. Then they all returned about an hour or so (45 minutes) before the shower ended to start loading the gifts into the cars.

    My mom made me invite JUST women who are invited to the wedding, to the shower party. Makes sense, and I'm glad I followed her advice. Sounds like you're making up for the fact that these women won't be invited to the destination wedding by having a local reception. In which case, I do not see a problem. I suppose I'd invite them all to the DW as a formality, making sure they know there'll be a local reception they'll easily be able to attend. Due to many people's economic contraints nowadays, attending a DW is likely out of the realm of possibilities/affordability anyway, so I dont think you have to worry about that. Its nice that you're doing something locally afterwards. :-)

    People get weird when theres a gap in communication. They will understand once they get the invite to the local reception. Try not to stress it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-2-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c76a6977-5787-45c9-ba88-f49221f70339Post:87a05f48-9623-4ae5-ae43-eddfb7558773">Re: bridal shower - 2 questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance was there at the beginning of the shower (it wasn't a surprise, I was there early in-fact, helping my mom decorate the space)… he greated everyone and then took off with my dad and some of the husbands for a guys lunch. Then they all returned about an hour or so (45 minutes) before the shower ended to start loading the gifts into the cars. My mom made me invite JUST women who are invited to the wedding, to the shower party. Makes sense, and I'm glad I followed her advice. <strong>Sounds like you're making up for the fact that these women won't be invited to the destination wedding by having a local reception. In which case, I do not see a problem.</strong> I suppose I'd invite them all to the DW as a formality, making sure they know there'll be a local reception they'll easily be able to attend. Due to many people's economic contraints nowadays, attending a DW is likely out of the realm of possibilities/affordability anyway, so I dont think you have to worry about that. Its nice that you're doing something locally afterwards. :-) People get weird when theres a gap in communication.<strong> They will understand once they get the invite to the local reception.</strong> Try not to stress it.
    Posted by teri75[/QUOTE]

    The problem is that the point of a wedding invitation is to watch the couple get married. Inviting people to ONLY a reception and <em>then</em> inviting them to a shower looks incredibly gift grabby.

    People might not speak up to the bride's face that they are annoyed, but they sure as heck will be talking about it behind her back. "Do you <em>know</em> that Sally invited me to her shower but she didn't even bother to invite me to her ceremony? The nerve! I guess we're good enough to give her presents but not good enough to be included when she gets married."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-2-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c76a6977-5787-45c9-ba88-f49221f70339Post:a17b2118-4604-4cdc-add8-3df325e4d43c">Re: bridal shower - 2 questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not a faux pas to have a private ceremony and a larger reception. Some couples have no choice due to religious reasons. Every guest does not have to be invited to the ceremony, but every ceremony guest must be invited to the reception. It's not a faux pas to invite someone to a shower so long as they're invited to the reception.  What IS rude is to invite non-guests to showers. I've never attended a couple's shower at all, and have never seen a groom show up at a shower.  <strong>They're henfests</strong>.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  I've never seen the groom show up, but I think it might be sweet if he surprised his bride with flowers or something.  I'm pretty sure all the old ladies in my circle would talk about what a "sweet young man" he is.  That said, I'm pretty sure my FI won't be coming to mine.  If he does, it will be a surprise.</div><div>
    </div><div>I honestly don't know about the other question.  I would probably be miffed if you excluded me from the ceremony but invited a small guestlist like maybe 20 people.  If it's truly just you and your FI or if it's for religious reasons I would probably be OK with that.</div>
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  • >>1. I have heard that it is customary for the groom to be to 'show up' toward the end of a bridal shower. is that correct?

    Nope.  I have never seen this.

    >>2. due to the holidays and my mother/motherinlaw's schedules, both showers will be done before the save the dates go out.

    I'm not understanding this part.
    STDs go out at the 6-month mark.
    Showers occur in a 6-WEEK window prior to the event,
    not 7 or 8 MONTHS before the event.

    />> we are doing a destination wedding with limited people.

    Only those who are going to be invited to the DW can be invited to the shower.
    Not all the people who are going to be invited to a local party afterward.
  • Retread: Well, about STDs: yes, they are optional in general but not really for me: since half the guests, including most of my immediate family, live on the other side of the country, for them STDs are necessary because without that information six-months in advance, they won't have time to make plans to take off and travel.  Their jobs and other things in their schedules just don't permit it.

    1.  I wouldn't say it's a "cultural" thing but it is very unusual for grooms to appear at bridal showers.  That said, I did attend one once where the groom did show up.  It was actually okay-everyone was cool with it.

    2.  Whatever the reason any guests are not invited to the ceremony, those guests should not be invited to the shower.  The shower guest list should consist strictly of persons on the ceremony guest list, although there is no requirement that everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited.
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