Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony

chelseakopperud · February 2012

Hello! I have not posted on this board, but I am very active on the June 2012 board.

I have a 4 year old son, who will be a ring bearer at my June wedding. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas for incorporating him into the ceremony somehow. We are doing unity sand, but we dont want him involved in that. Any other ideas would be great appreciated.

TIA ladies!

Peavy · February 2012

Since the two consenting adults getting married and entering into a legal, binding contract are you and your fiance, there is no need to incorporate your son in the ceremony. Ring bearer is the perfect role for him.

chelseakopperud · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:29f7e320-6a34-4470-bc94-d17e310c9870">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Since the two consenting adults getting married and entering into a legal, binding contract are you and your fiance, there is no need to incorporate your son in the ceremony. Ring bearer is the perfect role for him.
Posted by Peavy[/QUOTE]

I was asking for ideas.... not your opinion on if he should be involved or not. The three of us will be becoming a family that day so this effects him and I would like to figure out a way of acknowledging that.

toothpastechica · February 2012

He is your ring bearer, thats a good way to involve him! Or if you really want to do the goldfish thing from 4 weddings! jk! (look down a few pages to see what people think of that kinda stuff!). I think it would be cute if you had a special dance with the three of you or something in the reception, or maybe let him cut the cake with your guys help (if hes a calm enough child) or something else in the reception might be a better place to include him!

LeiselEB · February 2012

Personally I think ring bearer is a pretty good way of including him. Are you writing your own vows? You could mention how happy you are to be forming this new family. Otherwise maybe he could walk down the aisle during the recessional with you two. That's usually the first husband wife moment of the ceremony besides the kiss, so you could turn that into a family moment and walk down with him and your new husband.

Edit: I accidentally said "processional" instead of "recessional". So, I meant you three should walk out of the ceremony together as a family.

artbyallie · February 2012

It doesn't really affect him all that much since he may well not even remember the ceremony. He is, after all, very young. Your groom will become his stepfather, yes, but you don't want to tread on the toes of your child's bio dad by saying anything in the ceremony.

Why don't you want to include him in the unity sand? That's usually how children of one/both of the couple are involved. My aunt did that with her two children and her two new stepsons at her wedding.

By the way, you can't dictate how people respond on a message board. If we see something that has the potential to offend (like incorporating minors into a legal vow between two consenting adults), we will mention it.

Honestly, I agree that having him as ringbearer is plenty. Take a gazillion pictures with him and call it a day. The wedding is about the two people getting married.

Gabrielle76 · February 2012

I once saw a wedding in which the groom said a few short vows to the brides daughter (who was 5). Basically he promised to love her and take car of her. It was very sweet, and recognized that they weren't just coming together as a couple, they were forming a new family. After kissing the bride, He turned and lifted the little girl onto his shoulders. It was really cute.

MobKaz · February 2012

This is also not an original idea but one I saw when watching a wedding show....after the bride and groom exchanged rings, the child was presented with some type of jewelry piece. I am guessing it was probably a necklace for a little girl. However, for a little boy, it could be a tie clasp that he could retain as a keepsake until he was old enough to appreciate it. Or, if you are religious/spiritual at all, it could be a medal of a saint or other significant figure. Or it could even be a watch. Obviously, at the age of 4, almost anything would be more symbolic than actually relevant at the moment. But, that is how heirlooms are born, no?

I think Gabrielle has a good idea as well.

vexie · February 2012

I married a widower with two young girls (ages 5 & 3) last June. They were our flower girls and then, after Hubby and I exchanged our vows and rings they joined us and I made some promises to them (to read to them,, play with them, give them lots of snuggles when they're sad, to love them and treat them as if they were my very own). We gave them lockets with the date of the wedding inscribed on the back. Many here on the knot do knot approve of including children into the ceremony however, like you, I believe I did not just marry my hubby, instead I chose and married that little family and felt it important to acknowledge that. Many of our guests commented about how that part of the ceremony was so sweet and the most touching of the day (we even made our photographer cry!)

We also had the girls join us for the last minute or so of our first dance together. I loved that part

edited to add: we inteded to have them join us as we recessed out of the venue, but sadly forgot until we were outside.

tldh · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:91f8cec7-6d42-47bd-9bc4-54f3c2b09a91">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I married a widower</strong>with two young girls (ages 5 & 3) last June. They were our flower girls and then, after Hubby and I exchanged our vows and rings they joined us and I made some promises to them (to read to them,, play with them, give them lots of snuggles when they're sad, to love them and treat them as if they were my very own). We gave them lockets with the date of the wedding inscribed on the back. Many here on the knot do knot approve of including children into the ceremony however, like you, I believe I did not just marry my hubby, instead I chose and married that little family and felt it important to acknowledge that. Many of our guests commented about how that part of the ceremony was so sweet and the most touching of the day (we even made our photographer cry!) We also had the girls join us for the last minute or so of our first dance together. I loved that part :) edited to add: we inteded to have them join us as we recessed out of the venue, but sadly forgot until we were outside.
Posted by vexie[/QUOTE]

This actually makes a difference for me. My problem with most of the couples who want to include children from previous relationships, is that for the step parent to "make vows" to a child is a real slap in the face to the biological parent who is not marrying. Intended or not, this new person is infringing on that parent's place by doing this and it doesn't matter what the adults think of him or her. That person is that child's parent and always will be. Even if they are absent in the child's life, there is always the chance that they will re-enter it at some point. In your case, you are filling a void that was left by a death.

mandctaft · February 2012

I don't have any specifics, but I know there are ways to include him in the vows. Your FI and you will both add a line about family or something and your officiant can ask your son about joining the family. Its just a thought.

Meghannsix · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:29f7e320-6a34-4470-bc94-d17e310c9870">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Since the two consenting adults getting married and entering into a legal, binding contract are you and your fiance, there is no need to incorporate your son in the ceremony. Ring bearer is the perfect role for him.
Posted by Peavy[/QUOTE]

I've never understood these responses! Yes, it's a public forum and people can respond however they want, but the question was not about whether or not including the son was required. Why waste the time and effort to post?

That being said, I have two kids, and they will be walking me down the aisle, and all four of us will be participating in the ceremony. We're not including special vows for them, they don't want it and I don't see the point. Good luck!

chelseakopperud · February 2012

Thank you ladies! You have some really great ideas! I really appreciate it!

chelseakopperud · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:52371635-1e54-4027-87d7-3b9e16e6a20a">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony : <strong>I've never understood these responses! Yes, it's a public forum and people can respond however they want, but the question was not about whether or not including the son was required. Why waste the time and effort to post?</strong> That being said, I have two kids, and they will be walking me down the aisle, and all four of us will be participating in the ceremony. We're not including special vows for them, they don't want it and I don't see the point. Good luck!
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

I agree- I dont really see the point of posting a response like that when that is not what I was asking. I felt it was really snarky and uncalled for.

artbyallie · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:52371635-1e54-4027-87d7-3b9e16e6a20a">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony : I've never understood these responses! Yes, it's a public forum and people can respond however they want, but the question was not about whether or not including the son was required. Why waste the time and effort to post? That being said, I have two kids, and they will be walking me down the aisle, and all four of us will be participating in the ceremony. <strong>We're not including special vows for them, they don't want it and I don't see the point. </strong> Good luck!
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

<div>This is exactly why we posted what we did regarding that. Kids are too young for vows and it's not appropriate.</div>

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:b442cd04-7d9f-41ff-962e-5fea9874ac6a">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony : I agree- I dont really see the point of posting a response like that when that is not what I was asking. I felt it was really snarky and uncalled for.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

These are the national boards - ignore the posts you don't like.

I get why parents want their kid in the ceremony, but I also understand the idea that marriage is between two consenting adults and not children. Whatever works for you.

Honeybumble · February 2012

I understand that you are looking for validation, but you cannot dictate the responses you get here: it's the internet! I also agree that your son shouldn't be making vows of any kind, sort of inappropriate for a 4-year-old. That said, I have seen trefoil-type pendants given to children of blended families during the ceremony (a Celtic clover image that represents the three families). Even if your officiant just said a few words, and your FI presented him with the pendant, I think that would be plenty. I was not included in the ceremony when my mother married my step-father, and I was eleven years old. *shrug* I think his status as a ring bearer, and having him join you and your H in the recessional is sweet, and meaningful. The rest is really just fluff, and borderline inappropriate. He's four! Let him play a child's role.

Heat22 · February 2012

Wow, who would have thought you would get such nasty responses when you are trying to include your son in a special day. I'm getting married and my daughter will be three. After we exchange rings and make our vows to each other, we are going to make family vows and give her a bracelet that is engraved, I'm thinking family and the wedding date. Now I'm marrying my daughter's father, so it might be a little different. I think it's wonderful that you want to include your son. Some people don't understand that once you have a child it is no longer just about you. Maybe that's why they had such unkind responses.

tldh · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:57f07f5d-b87b-4f08-b3a7-7160e5945753">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, who would have thought you would get such nasty responses when you are trying to include your son in a special day. I'm getting married and my daughter will be three. After we exchange rings and make our vows to each other, we are going to make family vows and give her a bracelet that is engraved, I'm thinking family and the wedding date. Now I'm marrying my daughter's father, so it might be a little different. I think it's wonderful that you want to include your son. <strong>Some people don't understand that once you have a child it is no longer just about you.</strong> Maybe that's why they had such unkind responses.
Posted by Heat22[/QUOTE]

No not all of us have children. Some of us, however, do have friends who have been in this situation on the side that people tend to disregard. I have two.

The one (a guy) found out that his daughter's new stepfather had made promises to her as part of family vows and he was unbelievably hurt by this. He felt like the fact that she already had a father was being completely disregarded and the new guy was insinuating that he would be a better father than he was (even though he had no reason to worry about this).

The other friend is a woman who found out that her daughter's step mother to be was planning the same thing and she flat out told her ex-husband that this woman was going to be his wife and their daughter's step mother but she would not be her mother and had no right to do anything that intruded on that role in her daughter's life.

So yeah, it's not just about you once you have a kid. Most people know this. Want to know what else isn't just about you? Your wedding when it causes real hurt to other people.

Summer2011Bride · February 2012

I think having your son as RB IS having him involved in the ceremony. Personally, I think he is too young to truly understand any vows or whatnot that you would have him say. I don't think anyone should be made to say vows that they don't fully grasp and CHOOSE to say on their own, knowing full well what they mean.

I also think the marriage ceremony is between two adults who are making vows and promises to each other. Yes, your son is part of your family too, but he is not marrying anyone! I would keep the ceremony something for you and your FI. Have tons of pics with your son, dance with him at the reception, say something about him in a toast at the reception, etc. But besides once seeing someone have their teenage daughter involved in the sand ceremony, I have never seen a young child involved in a marriage ceremony between two adults.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:57f07f5d-b87b-4f08-b3a7-7160e5945753">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, who would have thought you would get such nasty responses when you are trying to include your son in a special day. I'm getting married and my daughter will be three. After we exchange rings and make our vows to each other, we are going to make family vows and give her a bracelet that is engraved, I'm thinking family and the wedding date. Now I'm marrying my daughter's father, so it might be a little different. I think it's wonderful that you want to include your son. Some people don't understand that once you have a child it is no longer just about you. Maybe that's why they had such unkind responses.
Posted by Heat22[/QUOTE]

Really? Marriage is first and only a CONTRACT. Minors cannot enter into contracts - I'm sure we can all agree on that. Therefore, including them with vows and whatnot does not exactly make sense.

We were not nasty, we were constructive. It's useful to remember that a marriage is between two consenting adults. I understand wanting to include your child, perhaps give them something, but some people cringe at the idea of vows for a multitude of reasons.

Don't take the posts so personally and instead use them as a way to see things in a different light. No, I don't always agree with other opinions, but I do respect and appreciate that people made me think about things in a different way.

divinemsbee · February 2012

OP, I don't know your situation, but, if your son's father is in any way involved in his life as a parent, then everything tldh said. At least talk to your son's father first and see how he feels about this. I know that this is supposed to be a day for you and your FI and your new family together, but your son's dad will always be his dad (exceptions such as his terminating parental rights aside).

My cousin, who has one child got married recently to a woman with 2 children. None of these children are theirs together (biologically), and the other parents are all involved and have some sort of custody. They chose to do a sand ceremony with all of the kids, and I found it a bit odd and disrespectful. Even though they will become their own family, the other parent is still very much in their lives.

sashers21 · February 2012

I thinks it's a beautiful and sweet idea. As a parent I would want to know that my child's future step parent was involved and compassionent enough to make vows promising to be the kind of parent they should be. In no way would that demean my role or even offend me. I do agree that the child saying vows would be odd but you could still state vows or promises to him from you and your fiancé. Also if you feel it Necessary you could add that he is not taking the place of his father only promising to be the best step father he can be. As for the snarky ones on here, I say when speaking about such important and valued things, such as people's weddings and family, we should really be very respectful. If you don't agree with it find a nice constructive way to put it or move on to the next board. I see alot of really negative responses on here. I think The Knot needs to do a better job of reviewing posts. There's no need to tell someone what they want to do is wrong, we are all different, as is our weddings. If it is important to the bride and groom then it is important.

chelseakopperud · February 2012

Just to clarify- I never intended to do "vows" with my son.... I agree he is too young AND his bio father is involved in his life. My son calls my fiance dad, he has been around "forever" in my sons eyes and he started calling him daddy last summer. We are a family, yet he also has his bio father that he calls dad. We openly talk about bio dad to my son. It is balanced out as best as it can be for the situation. I understand that if you are not a Christian, that a marriage is merely a contract between two consenting adults... however, we are Christians and our marriage is so much more than that and part of that is becoming a family... the three of us. So that is where my question stemmed from. It's sad and hurtful that people are posting such judgement posts on a thread that should not be controversial. I am trying to find a way to involve my son since he is also part of this family. If you think being a ring bearer is enough, then that is fine, but saying it in a mature, adult way would be much appreciated.

As for the snarky comments that anyone can come on here and bash me for wanting to involve my son.... your right they can, but constructive conversation is what I am looking for, but snarky comments. I expect that all adults on this site would understand that, but apparently not.

chelseakopperud · February 2012

And for those of you who have posted that I am on here "looking for validation" that is completely untrue. I came on here with a question. I didnt post "I want to do this and this and this" .... suggestions is what I was looking for. Don't twist my words and make sure you read the initial post before you make accusations.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_involving-child-in-wedding-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:be0d0dc3-afec-4749-ab4e-f1b7449a88bbPost:c4610b2d-2a56-497a-9efe-94c2db2d7d90">Re: Involving Child in Wedding Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE] I am trying to find a way to involve my son since he is also part of this family. If you think being a ring bearer is enough, then that is fine, but saying it in a mature, adult way would be much appreciated. As for the snarky comments that anyone can come on here and bash me for wanting to involve my son.... your right they can, but constructive conversation is what I am looking for, but snarky comments. I expect that all adults on this site would understand that, but apparently not.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

Again - you can think this topic isn't controversial, but it is. Now you know.

And you can't tell others how to post. It's futile. Take the words you like and ignore what you don't. This advice will help you TREMENDOUSLY on the national boards. Telling others how to behave, how to post, and how not to be snarky is just as bad as the snarky responses. They exist - just like arsehole people - and you can't do a think about it.

I wish you the best of luck with your wedding!

Dayna217 · March 2012

Okay, I can not believe what I have just read above and couldn't even finishing reading what some other people have said about this topic.

For the bride that asked the orginal question...I have a 4 year old son as well and we are including him in our ceremony. We are doing a family sand ceremony with an hourglass, I know you have decided not to include your son in the sand ceremony. My FI is writing vows to him and asking him if its okay for him to be his Daddy (FI is adopting him after we marry) its fitting for us but not for everyone. We are also going to give him a piece of jewlery to symbolize our joining together as a family.

To everyone else on this board who doesn't believe children should be involved in someones wedding, its not really up to you. A wedding is to show love between two people, if they want to share that love with the children in their life then thats their choice to do as they please. There are no rules when it comes to someones wedding. Its a reflection of who they are as a couple or family.

toothpastechica · March 2012

What does Christian have to do with involving your son...as far as I know...even in christian weddings it 2 adults consenting. Did your 4 year old sign a legal document saying that he has made a grown up, developmentaly mature decision that he is commiting to someone for the rest of his life? of course not. Last I checked Christianity means that your joining with another person before God....and yes that usually means you include God in your ceremony and promises to seek to support eachother to seek God further... it has nothing to do with having a child commiting to something hes too young to fully comprehend. You are getting defensive for no reason, people were mearly stating what they have seen, and why or why not they are ok or not ok with it. Don't thow religion out as a reason your right. I am a Christian and I still think children should be left to do children's roles since they do not have fully developed pre-frontal cortexes and biologically cannot properly commit to the kind of commitments marriage requires (ths is why we dont let even teenagers get married without parental consent...thier actual brains are not developed enough to have full understanding of reason, consequences and unselfish commitment).

Kaylanoom · March 2012

Hm.

I guess I also just don't understand the opposing viewpoint.
Marriage vows are about unity, love, and to me, thats what a family is.

If my son was old enough to walk (He's only going to be 8 months at the time. So maybe!) I would be honored to have that little boy, along with my father escort me to my beloved, and give me away.

I'm also marrying into a family. My fiance has two other children, and we decided to incorporate them into the blending of the sands.

We also will be doing a ceremony for honoring our family. Just a sneaky way, I guess, of wanting them included. Also, my future step-daughter is a jr. bridesmaid, and my future step-son is a groomsmen.

I honestly couldn't think of any other way to incorporate them. I wish i had before I printed the programs. =/

To me, my son is absolutely the most important part of my life. And I think that should be celebrated. Why not have him in the ceremony ?

I say, you take it, and run. Do something special for your baby!

Lorrrriiieeee · March 2012

My fiance has a five year old son and we are incorporating him in the ceremony. After we say our vows to each other, we are going to have him come over, join our hands, and have the pastor say a few words about the family joining, etc etc. His mother is still present in his life and i don't want any drama by stepping on her toes. I think this is a nice way to do it without doing too much that it would confuse a five year old.

Hope this helps!

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