Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation

mascot74mascot74
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We mailed invitations with an RSVP deadline for a Rehearsal Dinner.  We need a firm count fthe per the contract with the restaurant where the dinner will be held.  There is a "drop dead' date in the contract.  We want the non RSVPers to have to pay for their own meal and alcohol.
What are your thoughts?  These people have had four weeks to reply.
Report Reply to Post

Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    My thought is that you should pick up the phone IMMEDIATELY and call everyone who has not responded.  Ask what their intentions are.  Tell them you need a Yes/No answer right away.

    I'm also thinking the part about making those who have not responded pay for their meals and alcohol is a JOKE, right???
    Report Reply
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    My thoughts are you need to call everyone up and ask them what their intentions are.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Call those that haven't responded and ask if they're coming. Let them know you need to know by X date, but do NOT tell them they'll be charged for their meal, and do NOT charge anyone who doesn't show up. 
    Report Reply
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    So, this is the meal/event that is the thank you to these people and you are going to charge them for dinner and drinks for their thank you since they haven't RSVP'd?  Read these boards - most brides have to track down RSPV's because people are, unfortunately, not so good at sending them back.  Get on the phone and track these people down.  Under no circumstances should they pay for anything.
    Report Reply
  • lauralaurlauralaur member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Call them! Right now! It's possible that some invitations were lost in the mail. It's also possible that some people didn't think they needed to RSVP i.e. your mother or MOH. Just call these guests and firm up the head count.
    imageMarried Bio.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2012
    Or you could call them to see if they're coming which is the non-passive aggressive way to go.
    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    WE would not charge them, the restaurant would because WE have to give the owner of the restaurant (per a signed contract) an EXACT number of people who are coming to the Rehearsal Dinner.  If we tell him 50 people are coming and 32 show up, we have to pay for 50 people per plate regardless of only 32 people showing up. He will have prepared appetizers, the main course dishes, and desserts for 50 people not 32.

    We don't even KNOW these people.  They are from the bride's side.  Our side has RSVP'd  "yes" or "no" by the deadline.  We have no phone numbers. The wedding is taking place across the country.

    Remember everyone, there is strict language in the contract.

    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:4bf9cb58-ab96-4224-acbf-374bacb0310d">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Or you could call them to see if they're coming which is the non-passive aggressive way to go.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's more Passive/Aggressive than 'non.'</div>
    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:05ef8341-abd6-4eab-9cfc-cdb780924e44">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation : My thoughts are that you shouldn't be "billing" people who aren't coming.
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>We AREN't billing people who AREN'T coming.  There just would not be a place setting for them.

    </div>
    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:c9cd2a82-ff95-4ec8-96e7-f9e94a94e0e2">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]My thought is that you should pick up the phone IMMEDIATELY and call everyone who has not responded.  Ask what their intentions are.  Tell them you need a Yes/No answer right away. I'm also thinking the part about making those who have not responded pay for their meals and alcohol is a JOKE, right???
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

    <div>I do not have any phone numbers and if I tried to look up numbers, I would bet more than half have no landline.</div>
    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:03567004-467c-4153-9b8d-dd8b4dd33758">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Call them! Right now! It's possible that some invitations were lost in the mail. It's also possible that some people didn't think they needed to RSVP i.e. your mother or MOH. Just call these guests and firm up the head count.
    Posted by lauralaur[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>The Mothers and the Fathers have responded.

    </div>
    Report Reply
  • lauralaurlauralaur member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:1cd5e9c1-fb32-4c27-9437-bf9ea613f5c9">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation : I do not have any phone numbers and if I tried to look up numbers, I would bet more than half have no landline.
    Posted by mascot74[/QUOTE]

    Well can you contact the bride and get their numbers? Or ask her to contact these people?
    imageMarried Bio.
    Report Reply
  • mascot74mascot74
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:fc9c6ca5-2492-4905-b7d7-6ec187700869">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Charge them as punishment for not coming to a dinner held in thanks for them? No no no no no no no NO!  Just call and ask, sheesh. 
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]
    Don't 'Sheesh' me.  I know what that means despite living in Texas.
    Report Reply
  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Call the bride. Say to her "X and Y have not RSVPed to the rehearsal dinner. Please contact them and let me know who will be attending by (date). That is when final numbers will be turned in."

    It's not that difficult.

    I'm not understanding why you said the restaurant would charge these people who don't show. If you pay for 50 and they make food for 50, they don't care that only 32 show up as long as they're paid. And the payment would be up to you, I'm guessing, as per the strict language in your contract. 
    Report Reply
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    how hard is it to call the bride and tell her the situation?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Are you the MOG? Why can't your son get these phone numbers from his FI? They won't be total strangers to him as he is marrying into her family and her relatives will soon be his. WHy can't he just call or text or ask his FI in person, 'hey what's so-and-so's number because they haven't RSVP'd yet?" That's exactly what every bride and groom have to do when people fail to RSVP for their wedding (and there's always at least one person who doesn't RSVP on time). It's definitely not the end of the world.

    Also, I don't think you understand what passive-aggressive means. Dealing with a situation is not passive-aggressive. calling someone up and asking, 'Hey, do you know if you can come to the RD?" is not passive-aggressive. NOT saying anything to their face but then being a brat to them and making them pay for their food IS being passive-aggressive.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
    Report Reply
  • KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation:[QUOTE]I do not have any phone numbers and if I tried to look up numbers, I would bet more than half have no landline. Posted by mascot74[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry... did I miss the part where cell phones suddenly have no "answer" button or voicemail option? I have a landline and guess what, I NEVER pick it up and I don't even know how to check the voicemail on it. My cell phone, on the other hand, is attached to my hand and I check the voicemail daily. So the potential guests "not having landlines" is a poor excuse for your willing to be rude.
    Report Reply
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:5a41140a-cb24-4fe3-9751-578193531f6f">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]WE would not charge them, the restaurant would because WE have to give the owner of the restaurant (per a signed contract) an EXACT number of people who are coming to the Rehearsal Dinner.  If we tell him 50 people are coming and 32 show up, we have to pay for 50 people per plate regardless of only 32 people showing up. He will have prepared appetizers, the main course dishes, and desserts for 50 people not 32. <strong>We don't even KNOW these people.  They are from the bride's side</strong>.  Our side has RSVP'd  "yes" or "no" by the deadline.  We have no phone numbers. The wedding is taking place across the country. Remember everyone, there is strict language in the contract.
    Posted by mascot74[/QUOTE]

    Ummm, why can't you call the bride and have her track down the non responders?  Seems like a no brainer to me.
    Report Reply
  • RockstarWifey0912RockstarWifey0912
    First Comment
    I get the feeling you're going to be an... em, ENTERTAINING... MIL. Yeah.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    270475_10151278916785395_726690480_n-1
    Mom to D.A (11.09) and 3 beautiful angels (06.08, 03.11, 07.12)
    Report Reply
  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Get their phone numbers from the bride.  Call them.  If they don't pick up, leave a message that includes "if you do not get back to us by x date and time, we unfortunately cannot accodate you at the dinner" to make sure people understand that if they don't get back to you, they should not attend.
    Report Reply
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Okay, mascot, I'm beginning to understand.  You're the MOG and the bride's side of the family hasn't responded.  I get it.  You're afraid you'll be on the hook and have to pay for an extra X unused meals. 

    Call your son or, if you have a good relationship with the bride, call her.  Calmly state that you need an accurate count by a specific date and you need them to make some phone calls right away (please always helps).  Make sure you know when your son will call you back with a firm count.

    I was a bride over 20 years ago and again a year ago.  I will be the mother of a groom soon enough.  I understand your frustration but please try to chill.  You're going to give yourself a heart attack.
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:cefdfc2f-7928-48d0-b0d3-c9eec9c68ff9">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation : That's more Passive/Aggressive than 'non.'
    Posted by mascot74[/QUOTE]

    No, it's just to the point.   I think you might be misunderstanding the meaning of passive-aggressive.

    If you're the MOG you need to reach out to these people somehow.   I can tell you that if I was your FDIL and found out that you did this at the RD, you would have some serious family diplomacy issues on your hands.
    Report Reply
  • thurmanpowellthurmanpowell
    First Comment
    Like PPs have said, I think you should just contact the Bride and let who know who you're still waiting on. Tell her you need an answer ASAP and give her a cutoff date.


    Then if you still don't hear back from them, then tell the venue just the number of RSVPs you do have. IF extra people show up then you can just say, "I'm sorry, but I never recieved an RSVP from you and was not aware you were coming."

    If the resturant charges them after all that then it's not your fault, ALTHOUGH, you might still want to consider bring extra cash and offering to pay. That would be the more gracious route.
    Report Reply
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-rsvping-to-rehearsal-dinner-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39ad8a24-3db0-4f23-bb83-cd49d45d4b07Post:5a41140a-cb24-4fe3-9751-578193531f6f">Re: Not RSVP'ing to Rehearsal Dinner Invitation</a>:
    [QUOTE]WE would not charge them, the restaurant would because WE have to give the owner of the restaurant (per a signed contract) an EXACT number of people who are coming to the Rehearsal Dinner.  If we tell him 50 people are coming and 32 show up, we have to pay for 50 people per plate regardless of only 32 people showing up. He will have prepared appetizers, the main course dishes, and desserts for 50 people not 32. We don't even KNOW these people.  They are from the bride's side.  Our side has RSVP'd  "yes" or "no" by the deadline.  We have no phone numbers. The wedding is taking place across the country. Remember everyone, there is strict language in the contract.
    Posted by mascot74[/QUOTE]

    WOW, sooo much wrong with these statement.......

    1)You seem to "not care" since they aren't on YOUR side which sounds a tad bit resentful......Something tells me you and your soon-t-be DIL aren't the best of friends...Otherwise, you wouldn't have quite phrased in such a sweet manner! LOL

    2) Just ask the bride, I am guessing SHE knows the people she invited....If she doesn't know them, why on earth would they be invited..LOL...not that hard, find out who knows them and have someone call them..CLEARLY, they are friends of someone otherwise they wouldn't be invited

    3) If you still don't get an answer  after having the bride call them, assume they are a "no" so you don't get charged.....I certainly wouldn't RSVP for 50 if you only have 32 definite yes's... If people end up showing up who never RSVP'ed, either turn them away or ask restaurant to add numbers..REstaurants are used to this and I am sure they can accomodate them easier than you can imagine...

    4)  Under no circumstances, should you charge anyone.....
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards