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Maggie0829 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:736427bf-6f79-4878-a9f1-60a6b1d2ec52">Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting</a>:
[QUOTE]My matron of honor is my boss/ old gymnastics coach. She was there for me through it all and she even let me stay at her house when I was going through a rough time. So I thought she would be a great matron of honor boy was I wrong. Her and my mom had a falling out in July and ever since then my life has been hell(my mom apologized but she didnt accept it). She has made my mom cry at least 3 times in the last 4 days which is making me feel really uncomfortable. Then she precedes to tell me that my mom doesn't need to know anything about the bridal shower. I looked at her confused bc we never talked about it so she then tells me her and other bm have been talking they don't want my mom involved at all she can show up & that's it. So she tells me its going to be at a winery but they aren't going to reserve anything or decorate anything all 50 of us are going to just show up...I'm just hearing DISASTER in the distance & the reason they are doing this bc they don't want to spend any money.. Which shocked me bc I had told in her June I wanted at the place I work at bc the venue would be free and my mom & I would make the food. So I don't see how that would be expensive...Another reason I don't want it at the winery which I told her was bc my FI parents live an hour away to begin with and this winery is an hour and half away from our house so that means she will be driving 2 and half hours for something thats not even put together. So I made a suggestion that I may do two bridal showers the one at the winery will be a few close friends and then I will host one for my FI family and my family. She got pissed and said "I'm not paying for that" & I nicely said I didn't ask you too I will put it together and you will have nothing to worry about...Then today she set me off she has been married 4 times, she precedes to tell me that I'm way to young to get married (I'll be 24 & my fi will be 26) and that getting married is stupid why would I ever do something so dumb. I was completely dumbfounded umm hello you my moh you are suppose to support this not make fun of my age and make me feel uncomfortable. I'm debating about telling her that she needs to accept my moms apology(even though my mom didn't do anything she did) or else I can't have her in my wedding party...Is that wrong of me?
Posted by SamanthaZacur[/QUOTE]

1) Stay out of the argument between your Mom and your MOH. It is between the two of them and they are adults and can work things out if they want.

2) I would decline the shower if you hate all of their ideas so much.

3) You should never host your own bridal shower. It is rude to throw a party for yourself.

4) You never kick anyone out of your wedding unless you are prepared to lose them as a friend. Besides being somewhat crazy she really hasn't done anything wrong.

She and the other BMs are well within their right to host a bridal shower for you without the help of your Mom. They are allowed to throw it where they think it would be nice and spend as much or as little as they want. They can choose to decorate or not. All of this has really no place for your comment. A shower is a gift to you and if you don't want that gift then decline it.

You cannot force two grown adults to kiss and makeup. If your MOH does not want to accept your Mom's apology then she is well within her rights to do that. You should not make an ultimatum out of the apology. That is rude.

As for her comments about your age and marrying, did you ever consider that after being married and divorced 4 times she may be against the idea of marriage. Now it doesn't make it right that she hurt your feelings but she is allowed to her opinion no matter how blunt it is. Take what she said with a grain of salt and then move on.

OliveOilsMom · August 2012

First, you need to stay out of the planning for your shower. It is a party that is supposed to be thrown in your honor. And no, you shouldn't be hosting your own one later with just family. Asking your MOH to scale down your shower to just close friends is fine. But don't then plan a 2nd shower with the rest of your family. If someone offers, thats great. If not, oh well.

And your MOH & mom don't need to get along. They should both be acting like adults and be courteous to each other. Tell your mother to stay out of the shower plans and anything else MOH is planning. It will hopefully ease the tension somewhat.

Also, becareful how you deal with your MOH, since she is also your boss. You cannot kick her out of your wedding party. It is a friendship ending move and may also end up being a career ending move as well.

There seems to be more to the story between you, your mom, & MOH. So without knowing the whole story, which you don't have to tell, I'm not sure I can offer anymore advice.

MairePoppy · August 2012

Why is your MOH mad at your mom? It seems rather cold to not accept an apology, unless the offense was horrible.

If you don't like the shower that MOH is offering, politely tell her no thanks. I agree that not making reservations at the winery is not such a good plan.

Anyone, except the bride or groom, may throw a shower. But you must wait for someone to volunteer.

SamanthaZacur · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:a7c5f476-cdd6-4342-aa42-e1d0ecd5eb9b">Re: Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is your MOH mad at your mom? It seems rather cold to not accept an apology, unless the offense was horrible. If you don't like the shower that MOH is offering, politely tell her no thanks. I agree that not making reservations at the winery is not such a good plan. Anyone, except the bride or groom, may throw a shower. But you must wait for someone to volunteer.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Sorry I was venting. They are fighting over stupid stuff like my mom hasn't gone out for the last two months bc she is a caterer and it's wedding season and she doesn't have time to go out on weekends...</div>
</div>

Leenie10 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:dabfa18c-d9b7-4475-974b-82a27b00d0fb">Re: Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting : 1) Stay out of the argument between your Mom and your MOH. It is between the two of them and they are adults and can work things out if they want. 2) I would decline the shower if you hate all of their ideas so much. 3) You should never host your own bridal shower. It is rude to throw a party for yourself. 4) You never kick anyone out of your wedding unless you are prepared to lose them as a friend. Besides being somewhat crazy she really hasn't done anything wrong. She and the other BMs are well within their right to host a bridal shower for you without the help of your Mom. They are allowed to throw it where they think it would be nice and spend as much or as little as they want. They can choose to decorate or not. All of this has really no place for your comment. A shower is a gift to you and if you don't want that gift then decline it. You cannot force two grown adults to kiss and makeup. If your MOH does not want to accept your Mom's apology then she is well within her rights to do that. You should not make an ultimatum out of the apology. That is rude. As for her comments about your age and marrying, did you ever consider that after being married and divorced 4 times she may be against the idea of marriage. Now it doesn't make it right that she hurt your feelings but she is allowed to her opinion no matter how blunt it is. Take what she said with a grain of salt and then move on.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

OP, I think this is some sound advice from Maggie0829 and I say try to follow it. You don't need the added stress of playing referee or self- party planner. Sit back and let it play out.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:941aadc1-c7af-4a23-a222-86cd32718b78">Re: .</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh. You were quoted. And putting a '.' as the title is just going to make more people open the thread.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Yep. That's why I clicked on it.

OP - listen to Maggie

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:f73cab8c-a044-48fd-be2f-9fcb962d9e2f">Re: .</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: . : <strong>Yep. That's why I clicked on it</strong>. OP - listen to Maggie
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Me toooo

MairePoppy · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:3b41946a-7f37-4ae7-af89-4502bb5e6e0d">Re: Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Matron of Honor & Mother Fighting : Sorry I was venting. They are fighting over stupid stuff like my mom hasn't gone out for the last two months bc she is a caterer and it's wedding season and she doesn't have time to go out on weekends...
Posted by SamanthaZacur[/QUOTE]

Yep. Listen to Maggie. Don't get involved in this stupid agument.

jemmini6 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-mother-fighting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e53e814f-cdb0-452b-8a58-350f33c7d2ccPost:941aadc1-c7af-4a23-a222-86cd32718b78">Re: .</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh. You were quoted. And putting a '.' as the title is just going to make more people open the thread.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Exactly why I opened it.... </div><div>
</div><div>Plus, I don't know why you DD'd in the first place. Your concerns weren't super crazy and you got good advice. Aside from the fact that you were quoted, so everyone can still read it anyways, it helps to leave posts up because you never know what lurkers may be in a similar situation and can benefit from your OP and the advice you received.

</div>

pretzelgrrl · August 2012

She probably deleted for fear MOH or mother or someone else would see it and tell them. I think she needs to change username.

SachaBee · August 2012

I was so confused about the period and blank space. Thank you other posters for clearing it up.

I agree on Maggie's advice for the most part, but I think maybe if you know what day/time everyone is going to the winery, you might want to call ahead and reserve. Otherwise 50 people are going to drive an hour for possibly nothing. Wineries sometimes cannot accommodate that many guests, and certainly not out of nowhere, with no prior warning. I think at some wineries it does not even cost more, they just like to be prepared. However, your MOH and BMs do know that most wineries charge for tastings, right?

.

Re: .

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