Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Pre-wedding Parties
Pre-wedding Parties
New Discussion
Options

Guests to pay for refreshments at bridal shower?

LoveandmangosLoveandmangos
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
I am a bridesmaid for a good friend's wedding in 3 weeks.  Her bridal shower is to be held in 2 weeks and is being hosted by her MOH and BMs.  This is her big shower with all of her friends and family.  Her MOH wants to ask all of the guests to email her $40 before the shower, half for a group gift and half to pay for food and drinks.

I am very uncomfortable with asking guests to pay for refreshments, and thought that as the hosts it was our responsibility to provide for our guests.  The MOH insists she consulted 'lots of people' and this is a common practice to expect guests to pay.  I appreciate budget is an issue for the MOH, and to try to resolve the issue I said I'd be happy to pay for the shower rather than ask guests to give us money.  She keeps insisting guests pay and the level of snarkiness is quickly creeping up. 

I don't want to cause tension, I want this to be a wonderful experience for the bride, and I'm more than happy to admit if I am wrong.  Have others heard of asking guests to contribute to food and drink at the bridal shower, on top of the gift? 

Any thoughts / insight appreciated.  Thanks in advance.
Report Reply to Post

Re: Guests to pay for refreshments at bridal shower?

  • Options
    TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited August 2012
    This is inappropriate. There have been many posts on the etiquette and reception boards that address asking guests to pay. Check them out. 

    If is as if you invited guests to your home for dinner and asked them to pay you for the food.

    The MOH is acting as an organizer and not a hostess. You are right.

    ....btw, how does one email money to an individual?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You are right. It is absolutely rude to ask the guests to pay for the refreshments. It's also rude to ask that they chip in for a group gift. The host provides refreshments that fit within their budgets - it can be as simple as cake and punch. The guests bring gifts of their own choosing. Do not allow the MOH to embarrass herself, you the other bms with this atrocious plan.

    A work shower might be an exception, if it is traditional for the coworkers to chip in for a cake or lunch and a gift from the group.
                       
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderfulifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    You are right. This is so inappropriate that I have never even heard of someone suggesting this be done for a shower.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TaraKeeleyTaraKeeley
    First Comment
    That's not normal for a shower. I've heard of guests paying their own way for a bachelorette, and in fact I've heard of that move often than one person/the bridal party hosting it completely on their own, but not for a shower.

    The "group gift" idea seems odd to me, also, but I could get on board with that if it meant pooling the cash to get her something expensive and amazing that she wants that most people couldn't afford to purchase on their own. I'd be very careful with the wording in that case, though... asking very politely WHO would be interesting in chipping in for XYZ specific awesome thing for XYZ amount of money... potentiall split between XYZ people.

    She defintely shouldn't be asking people to pay for the shower, though. Bagels and mimosas, or coffee and cake, or something simple/affordable is totally acceptable, but it should be provided by those hosting the party.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    LoveandmangosLoveandmangos
    First Comment
    Sigh. I knew I was right.  I also had never heard of such a thing, but figured I'd throw it out to the neutral community just in case I was off-side.  I'm not.

    So any ideas on how to deal with this?  I live away and don't really know the MOH, and the other BMs are either guys (who are clueless about the rules) or women who have gone totally silent, leaving her and me to duke it out.  She is quite offended that I am implying she's tacky, and is insisting that the restaurant she booked for us is opening just for us, etc etc. My offer to cover the expenses was not well received by her.  I am at a loss.

    I don't want drama and the bride will be devastated if she thinks there's tension.  I'm the one who ended up sending out the invites (as the MOH failed to) but the evites are under my name so opting out isn't an option for me.  I'm struggling to find a way to keep my grace under fire. 

    So how does one take the high road in the face of pressure to do otherwise? 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    You are very gracious to pay for the party. I recommend you continue to push for paying for it yourself.  Perhaps you can get the other bm's onboard with you one at a time.

    Bachelorette does not involve a gift so it is appropriate that all pay for themselves when the group just goes out for a good time.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2012
    Imagine how embarrassed the bride would be to find out that her shower guests have been billed for the cost of the shower.

    Since your name is on the invitation, you should take charge. Call the bridesmen and ask if and how much they are willing to contribute towards the shower. Then call the MOH and ask her how much she is willing to contribute - be prepared that everyone might say $40/each. Tell her you will cover the rest. That is beyond generous of you.

    If you need reinforcements, send the MOH here. We'll be honest with her. There is also a more active 'wedding party' board if you want more opinions.

    Good luck.
                       
    Report Reply
  • Options
    slgirl21slgirl21 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary



    OMG. so wrong, so very wrong. No whoever is hosting the party supplies the food and drinks, prizes for games, etc. what is the MOH thinking? Has she ever been a MOH or BM? Maybe she doesn't know, have all the BM's whoever else is hosting the party , I'm sure her mom and MIL will be helping out and you all sit down and discuss this issue.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    You are right. There is nothing good with this plan.  I'm curious as to who she consulted that said this was ok.
     
      Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I don't think I'd make it an offer to pay, at this point.  I'd say 'I"m paying, and if you don't like it you don't have to attend'.  You'd be doing them a HUGE favor by doing this - keeping them from humiliating themselves and the bride.  Your name is on the invitations, therefore you are the official hostess, so people will look to you if any rules are broken.  Time to forget about the others and protect yourself from embarassment. 

    Contact the others and find out their budget for contributing (be prepared that no one will want to contribute).  Then contact the restaurant/venue and find out what you can do based on the budget you have.  Tell them you are the one to whom the bill is to be given, no one else.  Let the others know what time and where to show up.  By doing this you know that you are providing the bride with a nice event that meets all etiquette requirements. If the others want to make drama over it, they will look bad, not you.  And I really think that once the bride finds out what the original party was going to be like, she will be very appreciative of you.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I have to agree with Rebecca.    At this point if the other hostess wants to keep debating, stop the argument.   Let her know that you WILL be picking up the tab and that's final.

    If that was my shower I would be HORRIFIED if one of my friends thought that was the thing to do.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    SarahAnn2SarahAnn2
    First Comment
    I would be mortified if I found out that my shower guests paid to attend my shower!

    I think you should speak to the other BMs privately and ask them how much they would be willing to contribute. Once you have a total figure you can contact the MOH and say that you all will be covering the cost of the shower, and she can contribute if she wants.

    A shower doesn't need to be expensive. When I was a bridesmaid the 4 of us (all college students at the time) chipped in for sandwich plates, a couple large salads, water bottles, and punch. One of the bridesmaids made homemade cookies the day before the shower and that is what was served. Everyone was fed and happy.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    erinlin25erinlin25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    guests definitely should not have to pay for their food!  Supply refreshments that are in the hosts budget.  If people want alcohol, I do not see harm in them purchasing that themselves if they want to (but do not send money prior!)
    image

    Anniversary
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards