nightmares about FMIL!!

cathyandjustyn · December 2010

I'm literally having nightmares about my FMIL invading my life!

Quick background:
She left her deceased parents' estate for my FI (youngest son) to handle 5 yrs after their death. (read: never opened the front door for 5 yrs til he and I were asked to handle it because it was too hard for her and it was going to be auctioned) Now that we are engaged and living together, he's "her baby" (in a very annoying whiny tone BTW). She ridicules me buying white bath towels (IDK why, she just does). She managed to raise 5 great kids and is now completely helpless now that we're getting married. She insists that my FFIL should match the groomsmen tuxes even thoug he's not in the wedding. She insisted on coming with us on our weekend trip to do our engagement pics because SHE needed a vacay. I even caught her going through boxes in our bedroom (not unpacking, snooping) when we were moving!

While I understand that this is a very mild version of FMIL harrassment, it doesn't make it any less annoying. Last night I had nightmares about her not allowing us to buy a house (that we were paying for) til she approved it and refused to leave the delivery room while I was in labor. Quite radical situations, hence the nightmare reference.

I've tried to change subjects with her, avoid wedding talk, avoid HER, had my FI talk to her. What now? Please some advice!

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Well, this is a case of picking and choosing your battles. Not all of these are hills worth dying on. For example, if she wants FFIL to match the GM, so what? What possible difference does it make to you? A tux is a tux; there's only so much difference between them. Plus, you have no say over what he wears to begin with. So concede that point. That one is so not worth arguing over.

On the other hand, FI needs to tell her that engagement pics are just for the two of you (though I can't blame her for wanting to come along for that, I do agree her horning in on a weekend trip crosses a line). Finally, FI needs to tell her that the boxes in your home are off limits. I have a fairly overbearing MIL, and I depend on DH to set and enforce the boundaries, which he does very well and has been doing since long before I was in the picture. Sounds like your FI needs to have another talk with her.

Finally, take a dream for what it is: a dream. It's not an omen. It's a dream. Chill about that. You're winding yourself up over some things that are big deals, and some things that really aren't, so next time you do, pour a glass of wine. If FI has a habit of not setting boundaries with his mom, that's something to think about, since that won't change after you get married.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmares-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:417c435f-d41e-4d36-9c5c-6a839bb52a27Post:d01de18d-87f7-46a6-8010-ac3404035bbc">nightmares about FMIL!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm literally having nightmares about my FMIL invading my life! Quick background: She left her deceased parents' estate for my FI (youngest son) to handle 5 yrs after their death. (read: never opened the front door for 5 yrs til he and I were asked to handle it because it was too hard for her and it was going to be auctioned) Now that we are engaged and living together, he's "her baby" (in a very annoying whiny tone BTW). She ridicules me buying white bath towels (IDK why, she just does). She managed to raise 5 great kids and is now completely helpless now that we're getting married. She insists that my FFIL should match the groomsmen tuxes even thoug he's not in the wedding. She insisted on coming with us on our weekend trip to do our engagement pics because SHE needed a vacay. I even caught her going through boxes in our bedroom (not unpacking, snooping) when we were moving! While I understand that this is a very mild version of FMIL harrassment, it doesn't make it any less annoying. Last night I had nightmares about her not allowing us to buy a house (that we were paying for) til she approved it and refused to leave the delivery room while I was in labor. Quite radical situations, hence the nightmare reference. I've tried to change subjects with her, avoid wedding talk, avoid HER, had my FI talk to her. What now? Please some advice!
Posted by cathyandjustyn[/QUOTE]

AutumnFair · December 2010

DItto to bablingbrooke with choosing your battles.

Your FI needs to set up boundaries with her. If she is out of line he needs to deal with it ASAP and tell it like it is, example, the engagement pictures, once she said that was going to go with you, your FI should have stepped up and said, "sorry mom, but it is just going to be me and FI" then keep to it and change the subject if she keeps harping on it. Her style of trying to butt in your FI life is not going to stop, so your FI needs to start getting used to putting her in her place when she crosses the line with certain things she is trying to push.

MairePoppy · December 2010

The next time you catch her snooping, you should ask her what she is looking for. It would be interesting to hear her answer.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

For starters, BREATHE! All FMIL's have their annoyances just because they need to find a balance of your FI being 'her baby' and 'your H'. Things that didn't bother you so much before may bother you more because now that you are engaged, you think that he should be more yours than hers. I'm there. My FI is the youngest of 4 and all his siblings are between 8 and 13 years older. So his mom really treats him like the baby.

skippylouwho · December 2010

while this is down the road for you - don't even invite her to be in the delivery room. Don't call her when you go in to labor and extract a promise from DH that he won't either. AFTER the baby is born and the two of you have had a little time with the baby - then call her. It WON'T kill her to not be there when the baby is born, she may think it will but it won't.

I do not understand why so many mothers-to-be and grandparents/aunts/uncles/ to be all think they have to be there.

We didn't call any one until after each of our kids were born. They all knew ahead of time this was our plan but in your situation I just wouldn't even discuss it ahead of time. Having a baby is one of, if not the, biggest moment in both your life and your husband's life. Everyone can come to the hospital or see you at home later. Enoy this moment just the two of you.

And yes, I know a lot of people will completely disagree with what I just said and that's ok. One other note, DD knows this is how I feel but she also knows if she invites her MIL to be there then I'm coming too and I know that goes against what I just said. I never said I was completely logical!!!

I can tell you all these years later, I'm still glad it was just my husband and I there when our kids were born. To have that time just for the two of us and our new baby was very precious and special to me.

Muffin'sMom · December 2010

Lot's of excellent advice!

mstroud23 · December 2010

There is an excellent book called 'What do you want from me' It's about tense MIL situations and how they occur and the motives behind them. The author studied couples relationships and their relationship with MIL in both the US and the UK. She uses actualy stories and talks about all the bad things we can do to sabotage ourselves as DILs. Read this book. Don't be overly sweet to her-it'll bite you later. Be yourself, and your FI needs to handle his mother. But-your home is your home. She has zero business snooping around in your home. To that extent-I would say confront her about it next time you catch her. Don't bring up past incidendces. Just a simple, "You know, It hurts me that you feel the need to look through our things this way, how can I change that?" It's a good book-every woman should read this book before getting engaged.

seasidebride24 · December 2010

I can definitely understand the Monster-in-Law situation, my FI is the only child of divorced parents who was raised almost wholly by his mother. If ever there was a situation to wind up with an overbearing MIL this is it. Unfortunately, until I came into the picture he just ignored her intrusive behavior and never addressed it. She seems to love to meddle in absolutely everything from our daily life to the wedding plans (she's not contributing financially), overstepping boundaries all over the place. I have struggled to find the balance between being polite and courteous and getting the point across that she needs to take a BIG step back. It's definitely tough, but making my FI aware of the problem has helped out a lot. There are times when I have had to stand up for myself and I try to make sure that I do it respectfully.
Be careful about complaining to your FI about her. He might think she is out of line and agree with all your complaints, but she is still his mother and at some point he might get offended. Instead of complaining (which I did a lot of at first) I just tell him kind of impartially about the things she has been doing/saying. This way I can base my reaction on his reaction, and a lot of times he will take the initiative to let her know if she is out of line.

ILoveSnelly · December 2010

The biggest offense to me is her going with you on a weekend trip. That is way overstepping, and if this hasn't already happened i would have FI nip that in the bud STAT!

Even if you have gone along with it up until now, FI needs to tell her that he thinks it's a great idea for her to take a vacay, but she needs to do it elsewhere b/c this is an opportunity for him to spend time with his future bride.

As for the snooping, pick up a big scary butt plug or something otherwise traumatizing and tuck it among FI's things in an easily findable spot, and maybe she will decide that she doesn't need to snoop afterall... haha the idea makes me happy bur prob not the best advice

)-

Good luck!

ASDH11 · January 2011

skippylouwho-I am an aunt to be any day now and I don't see a need for me to be called right when my sister goes into labor. Thanks for including me in that bunch.

As for OP I would recommend that you and FH have a serious talk about the boundaries for all the parents involved. Have the subjects range from now-10 years from now. Then stick to them! It would be incredibly hypocritcal for you to say YOUR mom can't be in the delivery room while MY mom can. I can see that your mom is your mom but his mom is his mom and both do have an equal right to be there as it is their grandchild.

I think your FMIL is also dealing with a bit of empty nest. Maybe she needs a hobby.

cathyandjustyn · January 2011

Hi ladies! Just wanted to say thanks for the great advice! My two faves were to breathe and have a glass of wine

All is much appreciaterd and I'm picking and choosing my battles on a day to day basis. Thanks to all!

bablingbrooke · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmares-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:417c435f-d41e-4d36-9c5c-6a839bb52a27Post:407b7fb1-69bf-45b8-94aa-cbc65a9891a2">Re: nightmares about FMIL!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies! Just wanted to say thanks for the great advice! <strong>My two faves were to breathe and have a glass of wine :)</strong> All is much appreciaterd and I'm picking and choosing my battles on a day to day basis. Thanks to all!
Posted by cathyandjustyn[/QUOTE]
It's the solution to 99.9% of wedding problems :) Best of luck.

mrsjustinm2b · January 2011

In Response to Re: nightmares about FMIL!!:
It would be incredibly hypocritcal for you to say YOUR mom can't be in the delivery room while MY mom can. I can see that your mom is your mom but his mom is his mom and both do have an equal right to be there as it is their grandchild. .
Posted by ASDH11[/QUOT

I don't know that its hypocritical, my mom changed my diapers and the FI is the father but I dont think MIL has any business there stressing me out and looking at my privates. No thanks. lol (p.s. OP, nurses can do wonders keeping people out so if she does show up any nurse worth her salt that you have mentioned this too will not let her in the delivery room. Have had to kick out insane/overbearing family members several times from the ward I work on lol )

tldh · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmares-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:417c435f-d41e-4d36-9c5c-6a839bb52a27Post:6b269a19-af70-447e-9dc5-dfb0521052da">Re: nightmares about FMIL!!</a>:
[QUOTE]skippylouwho-I am an aunt to be any day now and I don't see a need for me to be called right when my sister goes into labor. Thanks for including me in that bunch. As for OP I would recommend that you and FH have a serious talk about the boundaries for all the parents involved. Have the subjects range from now-10 years from now. Then stick to them! <strong>It would be incredibly hypocritcal for you to say YOUR mom can't be in the delivery room while MY mom can. I can see that your mom is your mom but his mom is his mom and both do have an equal right to be there as it is their grandchild. </strong>I think your FMIL is also dealing with a bit of empty nest. Maybe she needs a hobby.
Posted by ASDH11[/QUOTE]

Like hell they both have an equal right to be in the delivery room.

The situation in the room is a woman giving birth and who she wants in there takes precedence over what anyone else, including the father, wants. My mom works for OB/GYNs and the doctors have had to toss people out because they were stressing out the mother which was endangering the baby. Personally, I think labor and delivery nurses should get combat pay considering that, in addition to their medical duties, they are the security team for the soon to be mom.

Labor and delivery, unlike a wedding, is the one time that a woman gets to be totally selfish and it's her call all the way.

Beachy730 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmares-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:417c435f-d41e-4d36-9c5c-6a839bb52a27Post:623c261d-0fe5-4ddd-ab21-0b616b1ae73f">Re: nightmares about FMIL!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: nightmares about FMIL!! : Like hell they both have an equal right to be in the delivery room. The situation in the room is a woman giving birth and who she wants in there takes precedence over what anyone else, including the father, wants. My mom works for OB/GYNs and the doctors have had to toss people out because they were stressing out the mother which was endangering the baby. Personally, I think labor and delivery nurses should get combat pay considering that, in addition to their medical duties, they are the security team for the soon to be mom. Labor and delivery, unlike a wedding, is the one time that a woman gets to be totally selfish and it's her call all the way.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. You can be damn sure my MIL won't be anywhere near my delivery room when i have kids, if even at the hospital. And I'm pretty sure my mom will be in there with me. I can't even tolerate my MIL on a good day, hell no would I be doing it while in labor "just to be fair." Fuuuck that!</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I guess I should respond to the OP too. My MIL drives me completely insane. Does everything just for show so she looks like a caring and concerned mother on FB and to other people, but usually she just talks a big game and doesn't follow through on anything. Luckily H is completely aware of this, and gets just as annoyed as I do when she calls him "my baby" in her whiny childish voice (and he is the oldest of 3 sons that hasn't even lived in the same state as her for 8 years). I just roll my eyes, and put on a fake smile when I have to see her. When she calls me, I let it go to voicemail to see what she wants. Usually it's nothing at all. Sometimes I call back, when I have the energy to deal with her. With H being deployed he isn't there right now for her to call, so she calls me constantly, and acts like we are "girlfriends." Ummm, no thanks. Just put on a fake smile when you see her, and once in a while have a girls night out with your friends where you can tell some ridiculous MIL stories. Always works for me! </div><div>
</div><div>Also, I completely disagree with the poster who said "tell people how lucky you are to have such an amazing FMIL." Those words will never come out of my mouth.</div>

bablingbrooke · January 2011

Usually delivery rooms have a "plus 2" rule: mom-to-be plus up to two others, so it's unlikely MIL and others would even be allowed in w/o your consent. You can bet your arse my two will be my DH and my mom or my BFF who is a L&D nurse, not my overbearing MIL who would be spending the whole time telling me how wrong I'm doing everything. She gets to visit after.

The delivery room is totally not an open event. However, my point to OP was that this was a dream (it's not an actual delivery room issue, people need to read) and she shouldn't take it to be an omen or anything, and she sounds like she agrees.

nightmares about FMIL!!

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