Not Engaged Yet

Help me.

Okay, I'm going totally BSC, but not in an "OMG, he needs to propose NOW" way, in an "OMG, he's going to break up with me" way.

BF has suddenly become super distant, non-responsive, and seemingly just bummed out in general. I got him to cop to the fact that me not being at home for Thanksgiving was part of the issue - it's easier for him to be away from me when he's on the road, but when he goes home it makes it harder. He has mentioned how it's hard to have a healthy relationship when we don't see each other for months at a time (we haven't seen each other since Labor Day weekend). He has almost completely stopped putting in any effort in doing the little things that have always made me so happy... sweet texts in the morning, trying to FaceTime/Skype whenever we get the chance, the little reassurances that I have told him I need, for whatever reason.

I have been trying so hard to stay positive, and trying to initiate some of these little things, but it's hard to even get the reciprocation. For example, this morning, I texted him a sweet message, and over an hour later I get "Sorry, been busy. Hope you have a great day." So I wrote back "I LOVE YOU!" ... no response... a little while later "I love you?"... no response... then finally "Luv ya"... It's just not sitting well with me.

I am going to Florida for work today, and he is leaving for Texas tomorrow, so there's no time for us to even possibly see each other before his company Christmas party in two weeks.

My best friend told me to relax, that I was totally overanalyzing things, and that nothing has even happened yet. But I feel like he's totally pulling away & that I'm about to get my heart broken... something I never thought I would feel with him. I just don't know what to do... I have been on the verge of tears for the last two days, and broke down & cried last night when we got off the phone because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get him to act normal. This sucks :-(



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Re: Help me.

  • edited December 2011
    I would probably be concerned if my BF was acting that way too.  I know your friend is trying to comfort you by telling you not to overreact and not to overanalyze, but if BF's behavior has changed, I think you're right to try to figure out the situation.  I'm not sure you can "get him to act normal" but you should definitely have a talk with him.  You guys should be able to talk about things like this, changes in your relationship, etc.  Start with telling him how you feel.  While it's not ideal that you won't be able to have a conversation in person since you'll both be travelling, maybe try doing it over Skype.  I'm sure he's not feeling great about how things are going either.  NOT talking about it certainly won't make things better and it won't go away on its own. 

    I hope it goes well.  *HUGS*  Keep us posted.
  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Bri, I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I agree with Yaga, talk to him about how you're feeling.  I'm sure the distance & not seeing each other is just getting to him so maybe reminding him that you're not happy not seeing him either but that you both need to continue putting the effort in.  We're always here if you need to vent/talk/get things out.  

    :::hugs:::



  • edited December 2011
    I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets defensive... mostly because he brings up how when he goes home (to Maine) I'm not there, so we're long distance all.the.time. It would be different if he were on the road, and then we were able to see each other when he has a few days off here & there. But with my job right now, even when he does go home, I have been traveling so much that he can't even come to NY to see me, because I'm not even here!

    So then that turned into me saying I'm doing everything I can to find a job in Maine (I have been trying to move back for a long time, not just for him) but it's hard, and nothing is working out. In the past, when I haven't gotten the jobs that I have interviewed for & been upset, he has said "it's okay, maybe it's just not our destiny to live in Maine. We'll figure it out." Now, when I mention that I'm trying to get home, he gets pissy about how it's not my fault, and that's why he doesn't bring it up, because he knows that I'm going to get defensive about it.

    I don't know if it was just the holiday that exacerbated the distance issue, because he made it clear that he didn't like me not being there, but he has to snap out of it. I feel like when he's on the road, it's easier for him because I wouldn't be there anyway... but when he goes home, it just reminds him that we aren't together. I don't know...

    And I have so much work to do before I leave for the airport at 415, and I just can't concentrate. ugh.



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  • elanniselannis member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry, Bri. I know that kind of thing sucks, but I agree that you should talk to him and let him know exactly how you're feeling and see how he's feeling. Long distance is hard and it requires effort from both sides. Sometimes one side just needs a little push to remind them that they're a bit off. I hope you get it figured out soon and don't have to wait until the Christmas party! Good luck! **hugs**.
    -Ely

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  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're hurting! But I do think it could be that he's just feeling down about not seeing you as much as he would like. Sometimes when my H is down about whatever, he just needs some time and space to himself, and nothing I can do or say makes a difference. It is hard to not take it personally, and it's hard to just let him be when I know he is upset, but I've learned that it's just better for us both if I don't push and prod at him during those times.

    For us, what works is for me to just say, "Is there anything I can do to help? Do we need to talk/is it something to do with our relationship?" And if it's not, I say, "Okay, then I just need a big hug and then I'll leave you alone."

    So I would give that a try.

    And if it IS about your relationship, then I would ask him if it's something he's ready to talk about or if he needs some time to himself to figure things out in his own head. 

    I truly think that just being able to give your guy some space is one of those things that can sometimes bring him to his senses and make him remember why he loves you. 

    And, if there is some kind of issue that he can't get past, it is much better to give him plenty of space to sort it out, and make sure he knows that you would rather he be sure of things in his own head, and that you don't want him to feel obligated to stay in your relationship if he is unhappy. People do stay together all the time b/c they just can't bring themselves to end it, and I think they end up much more unhappy in the long run. It is always better to just have a clean break so you can start healing and moving on as soon as possible, than to be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship.

    In any case, just check in with him and try to make it clear that it is about HIM and not about you feeling insecure, b/c if you try to pressure him into giving you reassurance when that is NOT what he feels like doing, it won't help at all. As you have already seen. 

    So just make it clear that you're fine giving him some space if that's what he needs, but you just want to make sure that he knows you're there if he needs to talk anything through.

    HTH! Please keep us updated!


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  • MtlBride12MtlBride12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you're going through this :( LDRs suck sometimes. I know for me it's really easy to get caught up in my head about the littlest thing, especially if it's been a while since I've seen BF. It's easy to over analyze every text and phone convo when that's all you have - and you're missing the body language that helps you really see where they're coming from. I've gotten better at speaking up when I feel like that, and that helps because half the time he has no idea I'm even concerned. Then we can talk it out, and hopefully do better next time.

    If he isn't open to that, I'd say try and stay calm for the next couple of weeks and schedule some one on one time with him when you see him in person to have a real state of the union chat - tell him how you're feeling, and what you're worried about, and ask him what he is feeling. Communicating is so key in LDRs (not that it isn't in any relationship, but I think more so when you only have phone/text etc) and I think it will help you to figure out if you're being too much in your head or if there really is something to work on.

    All relationships have these ups and downs, but getting through it just helps you guys get closer. As cheesy as that sounds. Good luck, sending you some positive long distance vibes.
  • elanniselannis member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ec714414-721b-4cee-b7fe-8dd1a9c16896Post:9c3eec89-76bf-4c4e-ab5f-2682cb9315a5">Re: Help me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry you're hurting! But I do think it could be that he's just feeling down about not seeing you as much as he would like. Sometimes when my H is down about whatever, he just needs some time and space to himself, and nothing I can do or say makes a difference. It is hard to not take it personally, and it's hard to just let him be when I know he is upset, but I've learned that it's just better for us both if I don't push and prod at him during those times. For us, what works is for me to just say, "Is there anything I can do to help? Do we need to talk/is it something to do with our relationship?" And if it's not, I say, "Okay, then I just need a big hug and then I'll leave you alone." So I would give that a try. And if it IS about your relationship, then I would ask him if it's something he's ready to talk about or if he needs some time to himself to figure things out in his own head.  I truly think that just being able to give your guy some space is one of those things that can sometimes bring him to his senses and make him remember why he loves you.  And, if there is some kind of issue that he can't get past, it is much better to give him plenty of space to sort it out, and make sure he knows that you would rather he be sure of things in his own head, and that you don't want him to feel obligated to stay in your relationship if he is unhappy. People do stay together all the time b/c they just can't bring themselves to end it, and I think they end up much more unhappy in the long run. It is always better to just have a clean break so you can start healing and moving on as soon as possible, than to be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. In any case, just check in with him and try to make it clear that it is about HIM and not about you feeling insecure, b/c if you try to pressure him into giving you reassurance when that is NOT what he feels like doing, it won't help at all. As you have already seen.  So just make it clear that you're fine giving him some space if that's what he needs, but you just want to make sure that he knows you're there if he needs to talk anything through. HTH! Please keep us updated!
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    I should be used to this by now, but I'm still always amazed how you always have such good advice and an awesome way of wording it!
    -Ely

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  • edited December 2011
    Seriously, Desert, you are AMAZING.

    Thank you all for your advice. I'm so glad I can count on you ladies.

    I guess what it comes down to is just calm down, back off a little bit, and let him figure it out. I can't force him to feel one way or the other... hopefully he gets out of his funk and figures out what he wants. Me being up his butt about it, or continuously pushing for answers isn't going to do anything but frustrate both of us.

    Hopefully the next two weeks go by quickly :-/



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  • tuarceathatuarceatha member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ec714414-721b-4cee-b7fe-8dd1a9c16896Post:9c3eec89-76bf-4c4e-ab5f-2682cb9315a5">Re: Help me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry you're hurting! But I do think it could be that he's just feeling down about not seeing you as much as he would like. Sometimes when my H is down about whatever, he just needs some time and space to himself, and nothing I can do or say makes a difference. It is hard to not take it personally, and it's hard to just let him be when I know he is upset, but I've learned that it's just better for us both if I don't push and prod at him during those times. For us, what works is for me to just say, "Is there anything I can do to help? Do we need to talk/is it something to do with our relationship?" And if it's not, I say, "Okay, then I just need a big hug and then I'll leave you alone." So I would give that a try.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    My guy is like this too. I need to talk things to death and he needs space to mull over his thoughts and feelings before he can come to me. 

    I too am sorry you are going through this Bri. LDR sound sooo difficult. I couldn't say I've been there, but I know missing someone is awful. I hope you two figure it out quickly and things feel normal again.
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I love feeling like something I can say will help someone who's having a rough time, so thanks, Ely and Bri! 

    Bri, hang in there. But just think of this -- a few days of him being distant measured against how long you've been together, and all the other times he's shown you that he loves you. I get why you're concerned, I do. I'm just saying, try not to worry until you have more to worry about. Okay? We're here for you. *hugs*


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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Bri- Do you set dates where you can see eachother? That helped when I wa sin a LD relationship.

    Also- why don't you plan a skype date? My ex and I used to buy the same bottle of wine- both go to Outback and then eat it together. Then he'd turn his webcam towards his tv and we would watch a movie together.

    Have you considered World of Warcraft? It was a lifesaver....

    You could also make a dinner- freeze it, pack it in dry ice and send it to him- then you're sharing the exact same thing. :)
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  • edited December 2011
    I think that the way that you are feeling is valid and I have often found myself feeling the same way, espceially when BF and I go longer than usual without seeing each other.  Maybe it is just the distance and having missed you over the holiday when he was home and anticipated that you would be going home as well?  I would try to let it go for a few days, and then, when you have some time to facetime/skype (so you can each see each others facial reactions) tell him how you are feeling without talking about what he is doing.  For example say "I feel like we have a disconnect" instead of "you're being distant".   

    In my experience with BF when you are left to a few text here and there and emails, maybe a phone call every once in a while it's really hard to get a good read of how the other person is feeling.  We aren't LD, but sometimes we will only see each other a few times a month, depending on our schedules.  BF works A LOT and sometimes he will work 48 hours straight going from day job to the FD and back, so he gets exhausted and will sleep a day away from time to time too.  I work and go to school, and have a kiddo so I am busy as well.  Sometimes we end up what we have now come to call "off" for whatever reason.  Neither of us has any one thing that is bothering us, but we aren't on the same page like we usually are. 

    I used to ask him "what's wrong?" or say "why are you being distant/different?" and he always got defensive right away and then it made me upset and he was frustrated because "nothing is wrong!".  After some time I've learned that it's better to just say I feel like we're not on the same page, and I miss "J&J" what we refer to us as.  With time we have noticed a pattern, it happens when we are apart for a while, or when one of us is super stressed and kind of disconnected to the world (not just the other person). 

    Now whenever one of us is bothered or feeling distant for any reason we just say "Babe is it just me or are we "off" again?".  Usually we agree and try to find a time to have some alone time jsut us two, sometimes it's not for a week or two before we get to have it, but it helps knowing that we are trying.  Usually by the time we have the dinner out, or pizza and movie in we are already feeling better having gotten the feelings out and made plans to try and improve it. 

    HUGS!
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  • edited December 2011
    Many hugs, that sounds very frustrating.  I think all the ladies said what I would say already.  When BF and I feel "off", we usually are pretty forward about it.   Especially BF, as sometimes I'm just feeling down for a day and want to be left alone.  He won't let it go until he at least knows what is wrong and how he can help.

    My best advice would be to talk about it and be forward.  Let him know your concerns and ask him what can be done to fix it.

    I always found it very hard to be away from each other for extended periods.  I like the idea of a Skype date, so you can at least see each other.  Not really the same thing, but I find just seeing my friends/family from home helps with missing them more so versus just a phone call.

    I hope everything works out for you two :)
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Everyone has given such great advice, I don't really have anything to add except **HUGS!**

    Try to stay positive.


  • csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    Everyone has covered the best advice already. I will just say that I concur with giving him some space - as much for you as for him. If you still feel wonky in a few days or so, then I think the best thing would be to tell him straight up that you feel like things are off and want to check in. I know you have pretty much already said as much, but have you told him you cried about it, or had flashes of fear that a break-up was imminent? Sometimes my BF is so wrapped up in his own stuff, that he doesn't realize how he's acting on the outside. He'll get defensive when he thinks I'm attacking his behavior, and as soon as I tell him that no, I'm not mad, I'm actually really hurt - he completely drops his guard. People react very differently toward someone they think they may have hurt, rather than someone they think they pissed off.

    **Hugs** We are here for you!!

  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The PP nailed it with their advise, but I wanted to add-

    **Hugs**



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  • DanieKADanieKA member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ec714414-721b-4cee-b7fe-8dd1a9c16896Post:435e9f00-f8ef-44f7-a20c-043405573ff5">Re: Help me.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The PP nailed it with their advise, but I wanted to add- **Hugs**
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, ditto this for me. Looks like I'm a bit late and PP's gave you excellent advice. Just wanted to send support and let you know that I don't think you are overreacting or overanalyzing it. I also hate the "luv ya" thing. Drives me nuts. Hugs and keep us posted. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    Just adding in my own *hugs*  PP said everything better than I would have.

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  • jorja86jorja86 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry you're going through this, Bri. Everyone else gave great advice. I just wanted to add, sometimes it helps to write a letter or an e-mail explaining your feelings. In this case, maybe you could hold on to it and not send it if you want to wait a couple of day and see if this is something that passes. However, I don't think it's ever a bad thing to let your BF know how you're feeling. 

    Anyway, I think writing it down can help, since you can get all your feelings in one place, and your BF can read through all of it before responding. That can help cut down on the defensiveness. 

    I hope you guys figure this out soon, and we're here for you! 
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ya I have no advice better then what Desert said.  So I leave you with a big *Hug* and keep us updated!
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks again ladies, you all are so amazing. We talked for a few minutes last night, but I didn't get to Florida & to the hotel till after midnight - and my phone is now broken, so I can only talk through speakerphone. Awesome. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes before I left Albany, and he told me to make sure I at least texted him when I got it safely. He left for work again today, out to Texas, and texted me early this morning & then just a few minutes ago to let me know he was there safe. So I'm hanging in there... We'll see how the rest of the day goes!



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