Inlaw problem, help please, (sorry, long post)

dragonkeeper8481 · August 2012

I have a problem with people drinking arround me. It is bad enough that i have been hospitalized for it. My feancee doesnt drink. My fiancee's Stepdad drinks alot. Last time I visited them I was on there bathroom floor throwing up due to stress. I have made allowences for there medical problems, IE:breathing difficulties so no scented products... stuff like that. They are being horible to me because I dont want to go to there house anymore. I have explaned my problem to them, and I have tried to invite them to places with no alcohol. His stepdad didnt show up. I do want them (sober) to be a part of my wedding planning. They are not realy intrested in seeing me in alcohol free enviorments and is now taking it out on my feancee because I cant attend family functions.(Too much alcohol) Any help and advice would be appreacated.

kmmssg · August 2012

Have you seen a counselor to help you work through this? Stress induced vomiting simply from being around alcohol is a very extreme response. You have not provided much information here, but it sounds like you refuse to be around them if there is any alcohol at all. That is not an inlaw problem. They should not have to clear the decks of alcohol when you are there. This is why I ask if you have sought out counseling or talked to a doctor about this. Your reaction is not a normal one and needs to checked out.

I am not trying to be harsh at all here. Can you provide us with anymore information as to why your reaction is so extreme? We don't have a lot to go on here.

AEPerpete · August 2012

This is a sticky situation, but I agree with everything PP said.
You should seek professional help, if you have no already done so. You need to work through this because it is a very extreme response. You cant change other peoples behaviour (drinking habits) around you, you can only change yourself, so I think professional help would be invaluable in this situation.

MairePoppy · August 2012

I'm not sure what you are saying, here. Are you getting sick from their drinking because of emotional stress or are you having some kind of sensitivity issues to the smell of alcohol?

Either way counseling is in order. You need to realize that you are in control of your drinking and no one else's. Adults have a right to drink alcohol, if they want, especially in their own homes. If this is an allergy problem you need to learn how to negotiate with people so they don't think you are being judgmental. I'm curious about how you handle going to a restaurant, where alcohol is being served.

dragonkeeper8481 · August 2012

I have been in counseling for the last 19 years. I know that I cant stop them from drinking in there own home. They just refuse to meet me anywhere else. They are also making unplesant comments to my feancee because I cant attend any of the cookouts, birthday partys, christmas partys ect..

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

I'm going to be honest - if my brother had a girlfriend who couldn't come to any family parties ever because she was so freaked out by alcohol it literally made her puke, I'd probably have a few unpleasant comments about it myself. I'm not saying your in-laws shouldn't be willing to meet you halfway sometimes, say by meeting you for lunch at an alcohol-free location, but you really do need to recognize that your problem is very extreme, and one of the consequences of it is that it affects your relationships with other people. I'm glad you're in counseling (although a little confused as to why 19 years of it hasn't seemed to help you at all with this issue and wondering if perhaps it's time to switch counselors), and I hope you are able to find the help you need.

AEPerpete · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inlaw-problem-help-please-sorry-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7095f93-fc19-4447-9cfe-137cb0a1c337Post:c0cfcdaf-b803-4645-a4b2-f85f7af18bb3">Re: Inlaw problem, help please, (sorry, long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been in counseling for the last 19 years. I know that I cant stop them from drinking in there own home. They just refuse to meet me anywhere else. They are also making unplesant comments to my feancee because I cant attend any of the cookouts, birthday partys, christmas partys ect..
Posted by dragonkeeper8481[/QUOTE]

That is great that you are seeking help, but as the PP said, if it seems like you haven't made much progress, maybe it's a good idea to seek out other help.

I assume your fiance supports you in this, but it is just his family who does not right?

I think it's a good idea to ask a professional what the best way is to rejoin these family functions. I'm guessing they will either say to do it slowly, and at the point in the visit where you no longer feel comfortable leave, and then next time try to stay longer. Or they may prescribe you something to calm you down. I am not a professional though, so if you haven't already done so, I think asking about how to become more social again will really help you out.

kmmssg · August 2012

Have you been in continuous counseling for 19 years or have had counseling here and there over that time period.

I really encourage you to talk to your Dr or counselor about some other avenues you can check out here. Your response is really quite extreme and if you have been seeking help for 19 years and it isn't getting better, it is time for a new approach.

I do feel for you, but I can see where it would be very difficult for people to get together for dinner and other social things at alcohol free venues. If I am going out to dinner with friends it won't be Denny's or Big Boy where no alcohol is served, it will be somewhere that serves a good margarita. I don't have to have alcohol to have a good time, but restaurants that are alcohol free are usually where you find lower quality pre-prepped food.

I hope you will continue to seek help for this. I say this as gently as possible, but I don't think this is an inlaw problem at all.

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inlaw-problem-help-please-sorry-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7095f93-fc19-4447-9cfe-137cb0a1c337Post:8f0859f2-c19a-4130-986a-6097a9d3e4d1">Inlaw problem, help please, (sorry, long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a problem with people drinking arround me. It is bad enough that i have been hospitalized for it. My feancee doesnt drink. My fiancee's Stepdad drinks alot. Last time I visited them I was on there bathroom floor throwing up due to stress. I have made allowences for there medical problems, IE:breathing difficulties so no scented products... stuff like that. They are being horible to me because I dont want to go to there house anymore. I have explaned my problem to them, and I have tried to invite them to places with no alcohol. His stepdad didnt show up. I do want them (sober) to be a part of my wedding planning. They are not realy intrested in seeing me in alcohol free enviorments and is now taking it out on my feancee because I cant attend family functions.(Too much alcohol) Any help and advice would be appreacated.
Posted by dragonkeeper8481[/QUOTE]

I guess I still don't understand. Are you a recovering alcoholic or did you grow up around severe alcoholics? Or do you just think people shouldn't drink alcohol at all? I'm not trying to be snotty; I really would like some more information regarding your aversion to alcohol and the ingestion of it.

prettyfacegal · September 2012

You sould seek professional help...It is not the inlaws faults.

Inlaw problem, help please, (sorry, long post)

Re: Inlaw problem, help please, (sorry, long post)

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