Pleasing guests

Re: Pleasing guests

• tenofcups4me member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow, a lot of questions!
  
  I think hosts should make "reasonable" efforts to ensure their guests' comfort and that their guests have a good time. But that doesn't mean changing your entire style of what you're planning. So to take them one by one:
  
  - Have your fish. Salmon is what I've most often had a kosher weddings and at least in my crowd, it's not at all surprising. It's unfortunate that your one guest doesn't like fish, so I would certainly get her a vegetarian option, but you can't not serve fish because one friend doesn't like it.
  
  - Re the ultra-orthodox: I wouldn't ask what it will take for them to attend because that puts you on the spot to make those accommodations. If you're going to have mixed dancing, I would let them know that ahead of time so they can decide if they're staying or not (note, tell them, not ask them). The one thing I would ask them about is what kind of food accommodations they might need to be able to attend. But you can't be insulted if they choose not to come because of these things. (You can, of course, be annoyed, think they're silly, whatever, but you will have to realize it's not personal and really has nothing to do with you, but their own rules.)
  
  - I don't really see what there is to explain to your friends about the dining. Most guests accept that they do or don't have a choice, there's a sit-down meal or buffet or stations or whatever. There's really no need to explain anything ahead of time. But if it comes up, sure, you can explain some of the constraints of a kosher wedding and how you'll need to have fish so you can have the cake you want, etc. -- not to "apologize" for anything, but just because they will probably find the differences interesting.

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• colourz member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  The caterers that I talked to don't offer dairy. Have you checked to see if your caterer offers only meat or offers dairy as well. The venue would need to have 2 kitchens. At least, that's what they have told me.

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• sakana1840

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  you could look into vegan cakes? they are non-dairy and usually pretty good! you might be surprised
  
  the only kosher caterer's i've spoken to have done meat....or seperated milk and meat
  
  so "kosher" enough...?
  

  

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• alinaandjared

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  my short answer:
  1. please no one but yourselves and immediate family. Tell DH to have dairy cake the night before or the night after the wedding. heck, he can eat it for breakfast the morning of the wedding if he is not fasting.
  2. I prefer to see chicken/meat at a wedding but would not a. bat an eyelash ,b look down upon or c. question fish and vegetarian selections
  3. NO explanations necessary for anyone, seriousy. First, depending on the relationship b/w you and your ultra-ortho guests, and their relationship with your immediate family (mom, dad) I would have your mom/dad place the call if you don't feel comfortable and tell them: receoption is at abc location and catered by xyz company. Food will be  1, 2 and 3. The caterer is also able to provide the following glatt kosher meals, specially sealed and heated for you if you wish..
  4. dancing: do the dancing YOU want and most of your guests expect. This is not an ultra-ortho wedding and I am SURE that it is not the first nor last non-ortho wedding said u-o guests are invited to. They KNOW what is to come, and if they don't, they will ask. Some may come for their sealed glatt meal and leave. Some will come to ceremony and leave. Let THEM decide what is right for you without feeling burdened. Unless said guests are the majority, I don't think you need to stress over pleasing everyone.
  
  as for your friend with the fish smell- unless she is deathly allergic to the smell, I say, don't worry. Good fish + good catering = no fishy smell, I promise. Also consider fish under than salmon, chilean sea bass for example, is not smelly when cooked.

  

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• ARod22

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  I personally think that people are going to want/expect meat (btw, I'm vegetarian and not even speaking from a pro-meat  standpoint).  You can make the wedding dairy but expect some grumbling.  People won't be able to even tell that you got a pareve cake, if it's from a good baker.  If you do decide to go dairy, then yes, you should let people know.

  
  

  As far as dancing, you have to do what you want.  Yes you want people to be comfortable, but this is your and your FI's day.  Some people have gender segregated dancing in the beginning (like for the Hora and whatnot) and later mix it up, and that's when they have their first dance, etc.

  
  

  Good luck!

  
  173 Invites are in the mail!
  58 are ready to party!
  32 are missing out.
  83 are nowhere to be found.
  RSVP date is November 1.

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• MrsMLRB

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  We are doing a kosher style dairy meal with salmon, tilapia and a vegetarian choice. The kosher caterers in Chicago that were allowed at the venues we liked were out of our price range so we went with a kosher style meal (we have very few guests who require true kosher food). I don't think there is a problem with having a dairy meal though there will be guests who don't like fish so you will likely have more veggie selections than normal.
  
  I wouldn't worry about the mixed dancing- if these are not values that you share then you shouldn't have them at your wedding. Your guests recognize that their beliefs may mean that they will have to leave after the ceremony or not attend at all. So I wouldn't worry about their wishes since it sounds like you are already bending over backwards to please them (which is nice.)
  

  

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• tenofcups4me member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_pleasing-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:4b3b3a5a-ca80-4458-b2c7-51aaa3044900Post:7bcb4fd7-7036-45b6-8f32-13c5fb68a498">Re: Pleasing guests</a>:
  [QUOTE]I personally think that people are going to want/expect meat (btw, I'm vegetarian and not even speaking from a pro-meat  standpoint).  You can make the wedding dairy but expect some grumbling.  If you do decide to go dairy, then yes, you should let people know. Posted by ARod22[/QUOTE]
  
  Why would people grumble about fish or expect meat as opposed to fish? And why would she have to "let people know" that ahead of time? I didn't have a kosher or even kosher-style wedding, but I"ve been to tons of Jewish weddings where there's one choice--and that choice is fish. I just don't get why that's a big deal.

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• mickeypotter member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Stop thinking so much about others and just think about what makes you and your fiance happy!

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• Rachiemoo member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  If you want fish, then have fish with a vegetarian option available for those who don't want fish.  This is very common honestly!
  
  As for your Orthodox guests, I am guessing that they will either leave after the meal or stay and just not participate in the dancing.  DH has some very observant relatives and they stayed the whole time, they just didn't dance.
  
  I wouldn't ask them what would be "required" for them to come.  You can let them know how it is going to be, but you can't base what your wedding will be on what they want it to be... I'm sure they'd want a mehitzah and separate dancing if they could choose, and based on your post, you don't want that, so why even give them an option of suggesting it?!  You'll only feel guilty after for asking them and then not doing it.
  
  I wouldn't have a discussion with your non Jewish guests about the food choices.  If they ask about it, then sure you can tell them.  If you want, you could post it on your wedding website if you choose to have one, or even include it in a little note with the invitation.  For example, I posted on our wedding website that the meal would be a kosher meat meal with a vegetarian option and that our morning after brunch would not be certified kosher but would be strictly vegetarian.

  

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• parker624

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  We were married in our synagogue, and did not have a choice as to the caterer.  But, H and I are both vegetarian and it was really important to us that we have a vegetarian meal at our wedding.  (well, pescetarian).
  
  We served the following family style, so everyone could share (it made the formal wedding feel more laid back):
  
  salad
  salmon
  eggplant stuffed with ricotta
  bowtie pasta with pesto
  green beans
  
  everyone loved it, we got rave reviews, and I really don't think anyone cared or noticed that there was no meat at the wedding
  
  PPs are right:  this wedding is about YOU and your fiance.  You cannot cater to everyone's likes and dislikes, so please do what is right for you and it will all work out for the best.

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• Beloved4him

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  We are in the process of re-planning our wedding since FI became ill; but the one thing he made me realize is we were going overboard trying to please everyone else. Seriously, the cake flavors, what to eat, what music, et cetera. I am much more religious than my FI and I do want a religious ceremony; but he also wants a fun party, so we will compromise. Truth be told, I am bad and eat steak and dairy cake. Have you tasted parve cakes? The way I figure it, we will have about 2.5 or 3 hours in between the entree and the cake, so it should be fine. If my Orthodox family was coming, they would not be surprised because I am not Orthodox and they know that.  In regards to fish, I am allergic, as is my mom and no one in my family eats it. Yours and your FI's does too. Offer fish and veggie. There is always going to be someone who will be unhappy about something; but PP's are right- it's your day.

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• Starqueg

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks for all the advice.  I'm trying not to go overboard on pleasing everyone else.  I know that this is our day, but I do want as many people as possible to really enjoy themselves and not feel uncomfortable.  I'm going to talk to my FI about the cake, I get the feeling he's had bad parve cake in the past and assumes that they're all bad.  I'm also sort of hoping that a dairy meal will be cheaper to cater, since NYC caterer are so expensive.  I also need to talk to our Rabbi and find out what the requirements are for the meal.  I'm not worried about finding a kosher dairy caterer here, since my cousin's wedding was kosher dairy last year. 
  When all the major things are decided on, I'll talk to my family and let them know what we're planning, instead of asking.  If they leave early or don't come, I'll try my best not to take it personally, since it isn't. 
  I'm not going to worry about what people say about our meal.  If they're confused when they see the choices or they ask me about it in advance, I'll tell them.  It's just that I'm the only Jew in this old group of friends, and wasn't observant before the last year or so, so they have basically no experience with this. 
  
  Thanks again for the advice.  I appreciate it all. 
  

  

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• chavanola member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  additional thoughts--
  
  A couple things (as the "ultra-orthodox" person who deals with this at friends' weddings)
  
  1) have a dairy cake if you want (but you can find parve (non-dairy ones from caterers--they usually outsource this to kosher bakeries so ask for tastings-- that are just as good).  if the price of a kosher meat meal is part of what's prohibitive so you want fish or dairy instead--I would put out word that it's going to be a dairy meal.  Not because people will have complaints, but because your Orthodox relatives will be expecting a meat meal and not pay attention to what they had for lunch--ie may not be able to eat because of the waiting period between meat and dairy (or they may keep cholov yisrael--I would double check with your caterer to see if the dairy meal is cholov yisrael--just so you can tell people, cause it's a question you might get from your ulra-Orthodox relatives--I wouldn't make any changes just provide info and they can decide for themselves).  It's pretty typical for anything that caters to kosher people to indicate it will be dairy if it occurs after midday for that reason.

  
  

  2) Your friend will suck it up--pickles make me nauseas, but not once have I ever had or expected anyone to cater to the fact that I think they're beyond disgusting (your friend will get over it)

  
  

  3) re: dancing--your Orthodox relatives will either leave early or stay and socialize, but not dance.  If they know you're not Orthodox they will not expect there to be separate dancing.  Although something I have seen friends who became religious have separate dancing for part of the time to accommodate everyone.  They'll have a separation of like potted plants or something that get moved for couples or "social" dancing.
  
  Basically, if people care enough about certain things, they'll ask, esp if they know you don't share the same religious philosophy.  Have the wedding you want, be informed enough to be able to answer people's questions if they have any and they can decide what they will and won't eat or do.

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