Wedding Location/Religion Confusion????

Futuremrseriks · July 2010

MY FIANCE AND I HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING WHERE THE WEDDING WILL BE HELD, WE LIVE IN INDIANA WHERE HE GREW UP AND I HAVE LIVED FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS....HOWEVER I GREW UP IN CHICAGO AND MOST OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS THERE (MY FAMILY IS HUGGGGEEEEE AND HIS IS VERY SMALL) I AM CATHOLIC AND HE IS NO DEMONITATION. I WANT TO GET MARRIED IN MY CATHOLIC CHURCH IN CHICAGO AND HE DOESNT WANT TO HAVE TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SACRAMENTS TO BECOME CATHOLIC AND HE ALSO THINKS ITS UNFAIR FOR HIS FAMILY TO HAVE TO TRAVEL....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO COMPROMISE.

MAYBE I CAN FOR-GO GETTING MARRIED IN CHICAGO IF HE CAN GET MARRIED IN A CHURCH??? PLEASE HELP!!!!

jenn.daniel · July 2010

First: calm down, quit yelling, and change your font to black so people can read it.

I suggest you talk to your priest about wedding location and what your options are. It'd be best if you talked to his with your FI. I'm not Catholic so I can't really tell you much, but I don't *think* he has to convert to marry you in the church.

People are going to have to travel either way. You could also split the difference and have the wedding half way between the two locations. Obviously you need to come to some sort of compromise. Personally, I'd figure out the religious aspect of it first and go from there.

tldh · July 2010

He won't have to convert but the two of you need to have the serious religion discussion now. Right now.

As for whose family travels, personally, I think the fewest amount of people should be asked to travel unless there is a serious financial or physical reason why they cannot do so. You didn't mention what part of Indiana his family is in. Is it right across the state line or Lawrenceberg in the SE corner of the state. Either way, Indiana isn't that large and Chicago is close no matter where you are.

trix1223 · July 2010

Please edit your post so that it's not in purple font. It's very hard to read. And all caps is the internet equivalent of shouting, so please don't.

Your FI does not have to convert to Catholicism to be married in a Catholic church. My very Presbyterian son married my DIL in her Catholic church. They did have to attend pre-cana and make promises about raising children.

On this issue of traveling: you two have to come to a consensus about that. Is there any sort of compromise? How far exactly are you talking about in terms of distance between the two locations: yours and his?

But I agree that you have some real issues about compromise and religion to work through before you're ready to get married. I'd suggest some couples' counseling for you both.

And finally: I admit that this made me laugh: It's denomination, not demon-i-tation, which for those who know who Bo Dietl is, sounds like something he'd say.

redheadfsu · July 2010

You two need to have a serious talk about religion. Do you two go to church now? will you? Where? How important is religion in your life? How are you going to raise your children?

Then figure out the wedding stuff. It doesn't matter what we tell you about where the wedding could/should be held. You two need to sit down and talk and figure out what is best for you. He can get married in the catholic church without converting, but you need to talk to the priest at that particular church to find out what is required in that parish. You will probably have to meet with him several times as it sounds like you haven't had contact with that church for many years.

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_wedding-locationreligion-confusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7b390f1e-118e-4686-9e06-36d4ce3e8f06Post:50d24fef-9832-4e08-b884-d72212bb6d71">Wedding Location/Religion Confusion????</a>:
[QUOTE]MY FIANCE AND I HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING WHERE THE WEDDING WILL BE HELD, WE LIVE IN INDIANA WHERE HE GREW UP AND I HAVE LIVED FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS....HOWEVER I GREW UP IN CHICAGO AND MOST OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS THERE (MY FAMILY IS HUGGGGEEEEE AND HIS IS VERY SMALL) I AM CATHOLIC AND HE IS NO DEMONITATION. I WANT TO GET MARRIED IN MY CATHOLIC CHURCH IN CHICAGO AND HE DOESNT WANT TO HAVE TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SACRAMENTS TO BECOME CATHOLIC AND HE ALSO THINKS ITS UNFAIR FOR HIS FAMILY TO HAVE TO TRAVEL....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO COMPROMISE. MAYBE I CAN FOR-GO GETTING MARRIED IN CHICAGO IF HE CAN GET MARRIED IN A CHURCH??? PLEASE HELP!!!!
Posted by Futuremrseriks[/QUOTE]

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

Thanks for the quote, trix, that makes it at least semi-readable.

Personally, with my family so spread out and his somewhat local, our compromise was to make EVERYONE travel, but to a convenient location (Las Vegas). We didn't have to deal with the religion issue since neither of us is religious.

I agree with you that it makes the most sense to hold the wedding where most of the guests are. So if most of the guest list is from your side and are in Chicago, the wedding should probably be in Chicago. However, if it's a more even split (say, your extended family all live there but aren't invited), then that's not necessarily the best way.

Ultimately, marriage is about compromise, and compromise isn't about one person just sucking it up and dealing with what the other wants. It looks like you're going to have to concede on one of the two issues: either have the wedding in a neutral location and get married in a Catholic church, or have a civil wedding in Chicago and look into having a convalidation later.

Futuremrseriks · July 2010

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to offend anyone by typing in all caps I always do and never have been asked why I was "yelling", this has never been an angry discussion between my FI and I. We are newly engaged and it was brought up. As for my misspelled word it was an honest mistake. I do go to services at my church in Chicago as much as possible, yet I was under the impression that if he did not convert we could not marry in a Catholic Church. We plan on doing pre-marital counseling as a tradition, not because we have alot of issues. We have been together a long time and have lived together for over 2 years, we have had problems and have overcame them all with compromise. I was just simply asking for advice from people who have maybe been through this. I am new to all of this and don't quite know where to start and the ceremony/location seemed like a good place to start.

Futuremrseriks · July 2010

Thank you very much, that was very helpful. Im not trying to be selfish in assuming my religion, but I kind of felt since he has no religious ties he would be ok with it. He is open to the pre-cana but he doesn't feel the need to be baptized and such. I guess I never really knew much about being wed in a church other than attending the ceremony except I knew abbout the pre-cana. I guess my best bet is to go to my church and ask some questions, I know they would never turn me down just for asking questions i appreciate all help and responses, this is a great site to learn what I am in for with all my planning ahead of me. I am lucky that my FI is so helpful and understanding too.

ellen73 · July 2010

Out of curiosity (I lived in Chicago and was pretty invilved with church stuff), what church do you attend in Chicago?

Pre-cana did have some discussion about religion. However, both my FI and I are Catholic and are still active in our faith. In Chicago you will probably take the FOCCUS questionaire. It is not a test. It was developed by 4 marriage counselors in the 70s, and was updated in the past ten years,. There are separate questionaires if you are mixed faith and if you are living together. FOCCUS is to make sure you've talked about the major issues that often leead to problems in marriage if they aren't addressed and discussed early. Money, religion, kids, how to deal with your respective families, Money, etc, They want to make sure you have discussed this stuff (like religion). There are no right or wrong answers- but if you and your FI answer questions differently, it is on the print out afterwards and those are areas you should talk about. Pre-cana for us was mostly about finances and communication and how to develop good communication skills or enhance already great communication skills needed for marriage.

Good luck.

ivy_leaf85 · July 2010

FI & I had a somewhat similar choice with the religion issue. He was raised nondenominational & I was rasied Catholic. It took alot of time & discussion. We've gone through phases of attending 'my' church and phases of attending 'his' church. For a while we lived in a different town and kind-of did a church-shopping thing; going to a different church each week (that was rather awkward and really didn't feel right). The child-raising issue was the big tipping point for us. In the end, I'm fine with raising our potential future children in his church (as long as they do get formal religous education). Although he does not completely excluded the possibility (especially if we move to another town, away from his church) he is not comfortable with vowing to raise our children Catholic.

Futuremrseriks · July 2010

Thanks everyone for the advice, we have discussed this and have decided that we will get married in Indiana and we have decided to look around and try to find a Catholic church around us that we like, I never assumed he didn't have a religion we have been together a long time and have discussed this alot. I go to St. Alphonsus on the Northside of Chicago. We also have previously discussed how we will raise our children and decided to raise them Catholic. So, we will see soon where our Journey takes us next

charlotte1819 · July 2010

Just a warning, some churches will not let you get married in their church if you are not a member. But I do agree with PP that the least number of people should have to travel unless there is a financial reason

snwilson0416 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_wedding-locationreligion-confusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7b390f1e-118e-4686-9e06-36d4ce3e8f06Post:c7fffa96-8e8e-4557-831c-2e368bbe29d9">Re: Wedding Location/Religion Confusion????</a>:
[QUOTE]He is open to the pre-cana but he doesn't feel the need to be baptized and such.
Posted by Futuremrseriks[/QUOTE]

<div>Don't know if you know this already, but many dioceses require that the non-Catholic person at least be baptized (although, not necessarily Catholic). The diocese in our area requires that so that is one of the reasons I am going to go through RCIA. So, that may be an issue, make sure you check with your specific diocese.</div>

Wedding Location/Religion Confusion????

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