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HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?

morgankaramorgankara
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I feel like the situation I am in as a bridesmaid  is really stupid and unfair, but I want to know if I am right about that and what I should do in this situation.

I'm 21. I just graduated college and I will start graduate school soon. A year ago, my best friend from high school asked me to be her bridesmaid. She moved to Florida three years ago (I'm from Michigan) and the wedding will be in Florida, so obviously my expenses will be high considering I just graduated college, I have loans to pay and she has not offered to help with flight, hotel room, living expenses, dress, etc. which is fine. I didn't expect help, and when I agreed to be a bridesmaid I knew the expenses for this particular wedding would be high.

Here is my issue. I have been dating this guy for two years. He has been my best friend for 7 years. We live together. Our relationship is serious. But this guy is the bride's first middle school boyfriend. They dated from when they were 13 through 15. They broke up sophomore year of High School because she starting dating another guy in college the last week of their relationship. I was his best friend through all of this. 

She got engaged about 8 or 9 months after this guy and I finally starting dating (took us 7 years, right?). She asked me to be her bridesmaid, and when she sent out the save the dates, she explicitly told me my boyfriend could not be my plus one. She said I could bring anyone else, but at this point in my life, I don't have anyone else. My younger sister is very sick and my parents can't come either, they have to take care of her. I have friends, but none willing to spend the money to fly to Florida for a wedding where they don't know anyone. My boyfriend never did anything wrong. The brides dad never liked him, and told her she couldn't date him... maybe because they were only 13 years old, go figure! So I know he would be unhappy to see him, but otherwise this relationship was from middle school! She broke up with him. He was always there for her, which is saying a lot considering how immature and young they both were.

Is it fair that I'm not allowed to bring my boyfriend, my best friend, who I live with and have been with almost as long as she has known her fiance? I will be the only bridesmaid with no plus one and will have to rent an entire hotel room to myself. My boyfriend offered to pay for half even if he can't go, but I could never accept that.

What should I do? How should I go about talking to my bride about all this? Is what she's doing fair?
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Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?

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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    No... it is not fair. 

    She is being childish and needs to forget about this old relationship.  She's getting married for crying out loud.

    All significant others should be invited.  And you're a bridesmaid too!  Even more reason to let you bring your boyfriend.

    You should have a sit-down conversation with your friend and explain why it means so much to you to bring your boyfriend.  If she still refuses, I would drop out from being her bridesmaid.  Yes, you made a commitment, but she is treating you terribly if she won't let you bring him.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I won't judge whether or not she's being "fair," but don't talk to her about how "unfair" this is because it won't make her sympathetic to your situation.  You don't have to stay at the same hotel as everyone else in the wedding party-I'd find one that you can afford.
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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:f979ad27-11e0-4c70-b8ae-892d520a1f7a">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I won't judge whether or not she's being "fair," but don't talk to her about how "unfair" this is because it won't make her sympathetic to your situation.  You don't have to stay at the same hotel as everyone else in the wedding party-I'd find one that you can afford.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    How did this answer her question at all?  How does this address her boyfriend?

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    The bride has no business telling you who your plus one can or can't be. Tell her if he is not welcome at the wedding that you will not be attending, either. 
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Yes, this bride is being completely unfair.  You are a couple and all couples must be invited together.  I would ask her one last time, if your bf can come.  If she again says no, then tell her you are sorry, but you cannot attend without your bf.  He is an integral part of your life and it is completely unfair to you and him, that your relationship isn't recognized.

    She doesn't sound like a great friend if she won't allow your bf to attend.  It was almost 10 years ago.  She needs to get over this!
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:f979ad27-11e0-4c70-b8ae-892d520a1f7a">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I won't judge whether or not she's being "fair," but don't talk to her about how "unfair" this is because it won't make her sympathetic to your situation.  You don't have to stay at the same hotel as everyone else in the wedding party-I'd find one that you can afford.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    The bride is not allowing the OP's boyfriend to attend the wedding.  Yes, that is completely unfair!  All SO's must be invited together.  And if a bride wouldn't allow me to bring my own bf to a wedding, I sure would not be flying there and paying for a hotel to boot.
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    morgankaramorgankara
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    It's not so much the hotel, it's getting down from Michigan to Florida on top of paying for any hotel room by myself. They are getting married on the ocean and the transportation alone from an affordable hotel (which would be far from the ocean) to the wedding location, or let alone to her apartment (which is also near the ocean and the wedding location) would cost me. Not to mention she wants me to come down early to help her with decorations, which is just more days to pay for.

    I really do just need to have a discussion with her, it's just overwhelming because every time I begin to bring it up, she just dismisses it, almost like she looks down on our relationship. I love her to death but I think the biggest issue is that she doesn't want to accept that he would ever date anyone else after her, his "first love" because she has told me she feels that way about other girls that date her ex's. 
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    SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
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    Your 'friend' is not being fair to you at all.

    If you're set on wanting to talk to her about it I would start by asking her how she would feel if you were getting married and told her she couldn't bring her FI. If she's capable of empathy (which I don't believe she is) she'll see that she's being ridiculous and change her mind.

    However, if I were you, I would just tell her you won't be able to stand up with her at her wedding and graciously bow out. Don't mention the expenses or anything like that, this issue is bigger than money.
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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:538387c7-866c-4ed6-a2a8-65b8818e0d76">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not so much the hotel, it's getting down from Michigan to Florida on top of paying for any hotel room by myself. They are getting married on the ocean and the transportation alone from an affordable hotel (which would be far from the ocean) to the wedding location, or let alone to her apartment (which is also near the ocean and the wedding location) would cost me. Not to mention she wants me to come down early to help her with decorations, which is just more days to pay for. I really do just need to have a discussion with her, it's just overwhelming because every time I begin to bring it up, she just dismisses it, almost like she looks down on our relationship. I love her to death but<strong> I think the biggest issue is that she doesn't want to accept that he would ever date anyone else after her, his "first love" because she has told me she feels that way about other girls that date her ex's. </strong>
    Posted by morgankara[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, but your friend is acting really self-absorbed.  She needs to get over herself.

    I don't care if the wedding were right down the street from you.  If she won't let you bring your boyfriend (and he should NOT be a plus-one... he should be invited by NAME), I wouldn't attend at all. 

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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    Just tell the bride that you will be bringing your BF as your plus one. If she responds, again, that you are not able to bring him, then tell her that unfortunately you will not be able to make it to the wedding.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    For once, I agree with NYU. I defintely would have told her at that time to kiss my ass. 
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:538387c7-866c-4ed6-a2a8-65b8818e0d76">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not so much the hotel, it's getting down from Michigan to Florida on top of paying for any hotel room by myself. They are getting married on the ocean and the transportation alone from an affordable hotel (which would be far from the ocean) to the wedding location, or let alone to her apartment (which is also near the ocean and the wedding location) would cost me. Not to mention she wants me to come down early to help her with decorations, which is just more days to pay for. I really do just need to have a discussion with her, it's just overwhelming because every time I begin to bring it up, <strong>she just dismisses it, almost like she looks down on our relationship</strong>. I love her to death but I think the biggest issue is that she doesn't want to accept that he would ever date anyone else after her, his "first love" because she has told me she feels that way about other girls that date her ex's. 
    Posted by morgankara[/QUOTE]

    If she dismisses your relationship so easy, she doesn't sound like a good friend to me.  Also, you are spending a lot of money for this wedding already and the bride wants you to go early to help with decorations?  She needs to be told no and I think you should decline being in her WP any longer.  She sounds like a very inconsiderate person.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:1635936f-f824-4d60-8751-8c3f205c2466">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair? : How did this answer her question at all?  How does this address her boyfriend?
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]


    The question was "should she tell the bride she's being unfair?" and I said, no, she shouldn't.  So I did answer that question. 

    "Should I bring my boyfriend as my plus one even though the bride objected?" was not one of her questions.  She did not ask "What should my boyfriend do?"

    As to whether or not it's fair, many of the rest of those who posted here take the position that it's unfair; I choose not to take one, and I told her so.  So that answered that question.  Maybe it wasn't what you would have said, but we don't have to agree.
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    daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:77f9feda-764b-45b2-9c01-b1747fa42aa3">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No... it is not fair.  She is being childish and needs to forget about this old relationship.  She's getting married for crying out loud. All significant others should be invited.  And you're a bridesmaid too!  Even more reason to let you bring your boyfriend. You should have a sit-down conversation with your friend and explain why it means so much to you to bring your boyfriend.  If she still refuses, I would drop out from being her bridesmaid.  Yes, you made a commitment, but she is treating you terribly if she won't let you bring him.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    Every word of this.
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:538387c7-866c-4ed6-a2a8-65b8818e0d76">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not so much the hotel, it's getting down from Michigan to Florida on top of paying for any hotel room by myself. They are getting married on the ocean and the transportation alone from an affordable hotel (which would be far from the ocean) to the wedding location, or let alone to her apartment (which is also near the ocean and the wedding location) would cost me. Not to mention she wants me to come down early to help her with decorations, which is just more days to pay for. I really do just need to have a discussion with her, it's just overwhelming because every time I begin to bring it up, she just dismisses it, almost like she looks down on our relationship. I love her to death but I think the biggest issue is that she<strong> doesn't want to accept that he would ever date anyone else after her, his "first love" because she has told me she feels that way about other girls that date her ex's. </strong>
    Posted by morgankara[/QUOTE]

    And she's marrying someone else?? She thinks wayy to highly of herself. Give her a reality check.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
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    Honestly, it's time to make a stand.

    "I'm bringing my boyfriend.  I have every right to and you're upset over something that happened in high school.  It's ridiculous.  If you won't let me bring him, then I'm sorry, you aren't treating me as a friend and I'm afraid I won't be able to be in your wedding."

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    daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:0b38bf0e-39fd-4e74-ba2e-4b50bffac650">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do I not understand the timelin?  If she told you 8 months ago that your BF could not be your plus one, why did you not cancel out then?
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Maybe because at the time she thought that her sister or one of her parents would like to attend the wedding with her, but as she explained in the OP they are no longer able to accompany her due to her sister's health issues.
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    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:c5411ff1-bece-4c1b-b4db-fc3ea1aa3d84">HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like the situation I am in as a bridesmaid  is really stupid and unfair, but I want to know if I am right about that and what I should do in this situation. I'm 21. I just graduated college and I will start graduate school soon. A year ago, my best friend from high school asked me to be her bridesmaid. She moved to Florida three years ago (I'm from Michigan) and the wedding will be in Florida, so obviously my expenses will be high considering I just graduated college, I have loans to pay and she has not offered to help with flight, hotel room, living expenses, dress, etc. which is fine. I didn't expect help, and when I agreed to be a bridesmaid I knew the expenses for this particular wedding would be high. Here is my issue. I have been dating this guy for two years. He has been my best friend for 7 years. We live together. Our relationship is serious. But this guy is the bride's first middle school boyfriend. They dated from when they were 13 through 15. They broke up sophomore year of High School because she starting dating another guy in college the last week of their relationship. I was his best friend through all of this.  She got engaged about 8 or 9 months after this guy and I finally starting dating (took us 7 years, right?). She asked me to be her bridesmaid, and when she sent out the save the dates, she explicitly told me my boyfriend could not be my plus one. She said I could bring anyone else, but at this point in my life, I don't have anyone else. My younger sister is very sick and my parents can't come either, they have to take care of her. I have friends, but none willing to spend the money to fly to Florida for a wedding where they don't know anyone. My boyfriend never did anything wrong. The brides dad never liked him, and told her she couldn't date him... maybe because they were only 13 years old, go figure! So I know he would be unhappy to see him, but otherwise this relationship was from middle school! She broke up with him. He was always there for her, which is saying a lot considering how immature and young they both were. Is it fair that I'm not allowed to bring my boyfriend, my best friend, who I live with and have been with almost as long as she has known her fiance? I will be the only bridesmaid with no plus one and will have to rent an entire hotel room to myself. My boyfriend offered to pay for half even if he can't go, but I could never accept that. What should I do? How should I go about talking to my bride about all this? Is what she's doing fair?
    Posted by morgankara[/QUOTE]


    She is ridiculous.  Her ex, your boyfriend, wasn't supposed to date anyone after her, because she was his "first love" at 13 years old?

    Tell her she is being ridiculous.  He is your significant other, you live together, and she is acting like a child.  And, either you can bring him, or you won't attend. This sounds like high school crap.  

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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:71e09fb3-2cfc-4035-aea2-1f186e4f05f7">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair? : The question was "should she tell the bride she's being unfair?" and I said, no, she shouldn't.  The question was not "should she bring her boyfriend?" So I did answer her question.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Here's her question at the end of her initial post:

    <strong>"What should I do? How should I go about talking to my bride about all this? Is what she's doing fair?"</strong>

    You did not answer what she should do about her boyfriend... and what her friend is doing IS unfair.  

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:b325963f-9c07-43ce-b086-da349da5ad52">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair? : Here's her question at the end of her initial post: "What should I do? How should I go about talking to my bride about all this? Is what she's doing fair?" You did not answer what she should do about her boyfriend... and what her friend is doing IS unfair.  
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    I don't think she should talk to the bride about it at all...<strong>and I said so.  </strong>Sure, her friend is unfair and stupid, but what possible good is going to come out of trying to tell her that?  This bride doesn't want to listen if she's carrying around grudges from her middle school days.  The OP can try to tell her she's unfair until her tongue falls out and it won't make any difference...the bride is not going to change her mind about that.  Surely the OP has better things to do with her time than waste it tryiing to "explain" this to someone who's not going to listen?  That's why I chose not to take a position on it besides saying don't waste time talking to the bride.

    <strong>She did not ask what she should do about her boyfriend.  </strong>To answer this question, probably the best thing she can do is keep her mouth shut, go through the wedding with gritted teeth in private and a big smile on her face in public, and then afterwards end the friendship...assuming she wants to stay friends with the bride through the wedding.  Or, she can back out of the wedding for her boyfriend's sake if she doesn't.  But, as he was not invited and the bride has made it clear that she doesn't want him there, I think the OP risks getting them both thrown out on their @sses if she brings him as her plus one.
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    allychaseallychase member
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    She is asking WAY too much of you and giving NOTHING in return. She is probably the type of bride who will give you a bridesmaid tank top as your gift for all your troubles. You should NOT under any circumstances go to this wedding unless your boyfriend comes with you. And you do not need to go early to help her unless she refunds what it costs for you to be there. Tell her this, that you can't afford to be down there early to help decorate, and if she doesn't offer to cover the costs, let it go right there. She sounds like a real peach.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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    edited December 2012
    By her logic, she shouldn't be getting married. She obviously had a first love, so her FI has no business being with her. Honestly, if I were her FI I'd be a little concerned over her hang up on past relationships. I've had some crappy, emotionally damaging relationships in my past, and if a friend ended up dating one of those guys, I'd still invite him. It's not my place to judge.

    OP, have a serious talk with your friend and lay down the law. Tell her that your SO is a part of your life now and that their relationship, which happened almost a decade ago, is in the past. Tell her that you would be happy to support her, help her with her marriage and be her BM, but if she cannot accept you and your life, then you don't feel comfortable standing up in honor of hers.
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    stantokmstantokm member
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    I agree with Joy above; also, focus on how rude it would be if you said she could bring anyone other than her fiance to YOUR wedding.

    But, like a PP said, I don't think she'll get it.
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    morgankaramorgankara
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:cc05e31b-9177-469b-8e43-aa7f5084d3ce">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair? : Maybe because at the time she thought that her sister or one of her parents would like to attend the wedding with her, but as she explained in the OP they are no longer able to accompany her due to her sister's health issues.
    Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes, that's exactly it, my sister didn't have these health issues when she asked me, and my boyfriend was trying to save money. He got a huge raise recently.</div>
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    reisnersrreisnersr member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Unfair, but don't fall to her level. I'd talk to her calmly about it, and what goes over well "It's your day, no one will be looking at me or my date". However, maybe there is something more there if she doesn't want him there. I'd talk to her openly. Also, I wouldn't use the term "best friend" so much. It seems implied, and honestly I'd be annoyed if someone just brought there "best friend". He is your boyfriend, your significant other, and you are to be considered a social unit. I think she probably has gotten over it the more she has planned the wedding.
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    orangehillsorangehills
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    That is very unfair of her. I don't really have anything else tos ay other than what the previous poster's said. I'd just sit down and have a nice chat on the phone with her, hopefully she will surprise you and apologize and say of course he is welcome. I still wouldn't go down early to help her decorate though- go in the day before the wedding and leave the day after! Come back and let us know how it goes!
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    She's being cruel and petty, and not a friend at all to you.  I would just inform her that you cannot participate in the public slighting of your significant other, and regretfully decline attending the wedding.

    Then just don't talk to her anymore.  A person like her is bound to pour all sorts of hateful BS onto you after you dare to 'defy' her.  Stay classy, rise above, and ignore her.
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    renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
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    Your friend is being horribly rude, and she sounds way too immature to be getting married.  To be honest, this might be a friendship that you're outgrowing altogether. 
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    cwaggoner07cwaggoner07 member
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    Yeah, she is being a VERY crappy friend. She should not have you come in early to help with decor, that is a job between her, her FI, and her wedding planner if she has one.
    Plain and simple, you and your BF are a unit, and if he isn't allowed to go, that is extremely disrespectful. Don't waste your money on someone like her.
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    Miss EsaMiss Esa member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-have-a-date-issue-is-my-bride-being-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f5073ec-ad34-4160-878b-4db1c8e007b8Post:20d5301b-d0ed-48dc-ba25-1a1676030d5c">Re: HELP! I have a date issue, is my bride being fair?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, it's time to make a stand. "I'm bringing my boyfriend.  I have every right to and you're upset over something that happened in high school.  It's ridiculous.  If you won't let me bring him, then I'm sorry, you aren't treating me as a friend and I'm afraid I won't be able to be in your wedding."
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.

    The bride is being extremely rude and childish on this matter.
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