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Etiquette

The "should I ditch my SIL" post below got me thinking..

lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
how often to you talk to your in-laws (parents, siblings, etc)?

Now granted we have ALWAYS lived far from both families, I've only seen my MIL 4-5 times since I met DH 6 years ago.  So we are a little different.

I call MIL about once a month to say hi.   BIL and I swap text messages every few weeks.  1 SIL text every so often and the other one on holidays/birthdays.

I don't think anyone in my family calls DH.  

DH calls/text/FB my family on birthdays.

Never once did we think there was anything wrong with that. We like each other, just don't have the need to be best buddies.

  
Just wondering






What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 

Re: The "should I ditch my SIL" post below got me thinking..

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    We live in different states, so I haven't seen them since the wedding. We are friends on FB, though, and I play Words With Friends with them. My MIL and I text a little, but when I call her, it is with my husband and I both calling. Because she lives far away, I don't know her very well. In fact, I didn't even meet her for the first time until our rehearsal dinner. I have never met or spoken to his father. My husband and my father have texted a few times just to exchange needed info about stuff.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    DH's sisters are 13 and 15 years younger than me.  I still had them in the wedding because (1) it was traditionally for both our sides to have siblings and (2) DH really wanted them.   They are reasonable, drama free women so why not?

    They attended the shower (4 hours away), gave a gift, bought the dresses, showed up for the rehearsal and wedding.    They rarely called me about the wedding.  Well one would text or email me once in a while, but not often at all.  I was fine with that.


    They are nice sweet women (and ridiculously beautiful - like I could have put them in a paper bag and they would look great).   They seem to like me.  We just don't have much in common to speak more often.  Doesn't mean I don't like them.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to Re: The "should I ditch my SIL" post below got me thinking..:
    In Response to Re: The "should I ditch my SIL" post below got me thinking.. : This is how I would describe my relationship with mine also.  I like them, but we just don't talk a lot.  When we see each other we do though.  I'm 27.  One is 34 and the other is 38.
    Posted by Edie Bee
    we are the opposite.  I'm 43 and they are 27 and 29.   

    I guess my math is off they are 15 and 17 years younger not 13 and 15.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I am not overly close with my own family, and my husband isn't overly close with his, so it's no surprise we're the same with our respective in-laws. We all like each other just fine, though.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My H's family is also far away.  He makes an effort to call his mother weekly and his father monthly, but I never call either of them.  I usually say hello for a minute when he facetimes his mother, but I pretty much never call her just to chat without H.  I don't even have my FIL's phone number.  (He doesn't speak very much english, so calling him would be kind of pointless.)  My SIL and I exchange random texts, email jokes and FB messages, but we never call each other unless there's something that needs to be discussed, like travel plans.  She and I are actually pretty close, as she lived with us when she lived in our city.  (She was a BM when we got married).  

    My family is local and we see each other at least once per week, so they're much closer with my H, but I still don't see them calling him to chat.  They call me to make plans and so forth.  
  • Well, fi has no siblings, so we don't have that. His parents live about 4 1/2 hours away so I've only met them in person like 3 times. I've talked to his mom a few times on the phone, but it's not a regular thing at all. Usually we pass messages through fi since they talk on the phone all the time. His parents don't facebook or text, or I'd do that with them. I totally love his parents though, and I know they like me as well.

    My parents live much closer (about 45 minutes) but come to our town frequently since their town has no stores at all and ours does, plus they like to visit the grandkids. My only sister and her family live an hour away.I don't know that fi has ever talked to any of them on the phone, but they get along well when they come to our house or we go to one of theirs. 

    I very rarely talk to my sister's husband on the phone, but that's mostly beacause he has Aspergers and is very awkward on the phone. But I certainly like him well enough!
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  • edited November 2012
    My mother calls my fiance at least once a week. She generally calls him after I don't pick up my phone, but the engages him in conversation; usually teasing him if her fave football or baseball team beats his. It's really cute. He thought it was strange at first, but it has been 3 years now and is very normally. My younger brother and younger sister message or comment on his facebook once or twice a month or so. But we see my family every few months. I email his Mom every other month, briefly chat with her every other week or so and message on facebook with his two sisters regularly. His entire family lives in México, so we don't get to see them as often. Although.....his mother, father, sister, brother in law, niece , sister are all visiting us from Dec 15-Jan 6. Haha, AND his daughter will be here! Thats 9 people in our house for 3 weeks!!!! Ay yi yi. It will be super fun though! We are very fortunate to have our families be so accepting and loving.
    "Always be kinder than you think is necessary, for you never know what personal battles people are fighting."
  • FI and I usually have dinner around once a week with FFIL and sometimes FBIL and his GF will come too. We also have a bar that FI and I and friends go to on tuesdays, and FBIL and GF usually go a lot, but other than that we don't see FBIL a lot anymore outside of those things.

    FI, FBIL and I used to have a great time hanging out just the 3 of us, but FI and I and FBIL's GF don't get along great, and that's put somewhat of a strain on FI and FBILs relationship, so we don't all hang out much outside of that.

    FI and my family are mostly cordial. He just doesn't have much in common with a lot of them. There's never really any tension, just never much need to hang out with them outside of family gatherings, since they're not really bargoers and don't invite us to dinner regularly like FFIL (not that it's a bad thing they don't, FFIL just likes going out to dinner with us a lot ever since FIs mom passed)
  • On an average week, assuming no one goes on vacation or is sick, I see my bf's family at least once a week. Sometimes several times a week. It depends. 
    I'm pretty close to his little sister, so I hang out with her occasionally and since she lives at home, I often talk to his parents. 
    I get along with them really well, so I have no complaints about that. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I don't think it's odd or strange if you talk/see your in-laws often.  My cousin's husband stops by my aunt's house every morning for coffee.  He has done it for 25 years. It started because he would carpool with my other cousin.  Never stopped.  That's great.


    However, I also do not think it's odd that some of us don't, either.   








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • We live 10 minutes from my future in laws and 5 minutes from my parents.  We also live 4 houses down from my future bil and sil.  My future SIL is one of my bridesmaids and we love being so close to each other.  My future in laws are quite  a handfull but I do try to visit them once a week or so and we do the same with my parents.  my fiance talks to my parents all the time which i think is so sweet.  i think he always wished his parents were more like my parents.
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  • We see FI's mom every few months--I try to get him to go more often, but oftentimes he;s working weekends and we just can't make it.  I always enjoy seeing her, but I don't think I've ever talked to her on the phone, and don't see myself calling her just to chat anytime soon.  Same for FI's sister--I really like her, we get along great, and actually survived 32 hours in a van together doing a 200 mile relay race, but I don't think I'll ever be calling her just to chat.  I'm not a big phone person to begin with and pretty much only talk to my mom and dad on the phone on a regular basis.
  • H talks to my brothers regularly - they all work for the same company, although in different offices, but all local, but they call for advice, scoop, help, whatever and visit now and then.  My dad calls H maybe once a month or so just to catch up, and we usually Skype with my parents together once a month or so.  I talk to my parents a couple of times a week.

    H and I are kinda alternating weeks calling MIL at this point so neither one of us has to talk to her more than 2 x per month cause she's borderline (or past it) BSC about some stuff but hard to take a lot of her.  We'd probably each only call once a month, but with me being pregnant she wants to know what's going on so one of us calls after each appointment.  We'll see what happens once the baby is born.  I text with my SIL maybe once a week to catch up and see what's going on - and sometimes a phone call instead of texts.  BIL is 11 years younger than H and I.  We text on holidays and birthdays and that's about it.  He's a good kid, just nothing in common, but I really enjoy him when we spend time together.  He's got a good head on his shoulders.

    We live 16 hours from my parents and 20 hours from MIL.  I think both H and I are okay with the status of our relationships with our in-laws.  SIL was my MOH.  She's awesome and when we lived in the same city, we hung out together regularly.  

  • FI talks to his mom every day and his dad maybe once a week or less.  He texts his sister every so often and maybe talks to her once a month on the phone.  I don't really talk on the phone to FI's parents, but his sister I and I talk regularly.  They live about 4.5 hours away, so we see each other about 5 times per year.

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  • We live about a mile from H's parents. I adore them, really I do, but when we first bought our house his mom was here entirely too much. She would show up unannounced ("Oh, hey, I was just out walking the dog... across two major roads... and at night... where there's no sidewalks. How's it going?") but that all stopped when we got our cat. Apparently she's severely allergic. Who knew?

    H is from a VERY close family. All of the cousins grew up together (all 30ish of them), and H's parents were HS sweethearts with their two families growing up on the same street, so everyone is close (his mom's 4 siblings and his dad's 5). It was an adjustment for me because they seem to have some major family get together at least once or twice per month when I was used to seeing my family (aunts/uncles/cousins) for only major holidays and sometimes birthdays. With H working nights and his youngest brother moving to Texas, we don't see his family as much as we used to.


    H has two brothers (one who is married) and a sister, so I inherited four siblings in the marriage. Collectively, all of our siblings were in the wedding party (except my stepbrother who didn't attend at all); I had H's sister and SIL as BMs, H had his 2 brothers and my brother as GM. We all get along really well, but I rarely talk to either of H's brothers. I hear from his sister every now and again. I actually talk to H's SIL more than anyone, I think, which is odd because she can be hard to get along with but I guess we just clicked. But even that is a text message two or three days a week and that's about it.


    H rarely talks to my family unless we're visiting them, though he doesn't hesitate to call my parents if he has a question or he's trying to be sneaky about Christmas and birthday gifts.
  • H talks to his mother several times a week on the phone and I talk to my mother (and occassionally father if he has something he wants to tell me) several times a week on the phone.  We say "hi" for each other.  We probably see our parents in person once a month or so; occassionally even all together.  We all get along great.  Neither of us reaches out to communicate with the other's family unless we have something in particular we need to find out or tell them. 

    H is an only child, and my bro is divorced so I don't have any sibling-in-laws.  H and my brother get along well but don't have much in common; so I don't think they've ever talked on the phone.  H did tutor my bro in statistics this year for his MBA, but I set up all the study dates (technically "we" were tutoring him, but H's stat was way fresher than mine so when it came down to it they were doing stat and I was making lunch, haha).
  • I don't really talk or text FMIL-FI does once or twice a month. One of his sisters lives here in town, as does one of his nieces and her husband, but we really only see them at holidays. I occaisionally call the sister that lives here, but not often. Everybody's friendly, we just aren't close. His sisters are a lot older than I am-20 and 15 years apart, and we have very little in common.
        I'll admit that my infertility issues have made it hard for me as 3 of his nieces have had children with no conception issues-it's my problem not theirs'. I need to do better.
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  • FI doesn't talk to his family unless he's telling them our travel plans or something. I talk to my parents every week, and my sister whenever we feel like it. I text and email FI's mother fairly often, and we tend to send each other cute craft/food/decorating ideas. She also always makes sure to keep track of my sister's ice skating competitions and text me good luck for her, which I find really sweet. It took a cue from her to just put alerts in my phone when their family has important events, and then I can send a text or an email.

    I know my parents would like to talk to FI more often, but he's just not used to talking. He and his brother will have marathon phone calls once every few months and then not speak. FBIL apparently thinks that I am young and annoying (we have a 10+ year age gap) so we don't speak.
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  • Yes I thought it was really strange  that she was pushing so hard to be besties with her FSIL.  I have talked to FMIL exactly once on  the phone and that was to discuss RD info.  I have asked his sister to be a BM  because I like her and she has been supportive of our relationship.   We still aren't and I didn't expect for this  to make us close friends.  I email her occasionally about stuff and we communicate on FB occasionally but I don't even have her phone number.  I like his family and am happy to hang out with them on holidays when we visit and if a closer relationship happens to develop in the future that would be ok but certainly not expected.  They do live about 14 hrs away from us by car as well.
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  • FH talks to his parents like every other week, I occassionally talk to his mom on the phone. I call my parents about once a week and if FH is around, he will talk to them. He does occassionally call my dad. I text with FSIL a couple times a week and talk to my 2 sisters at least once a week. He calls my BIL occassionally and they hang out. He calls his brother but not as often as he did when his brother and family lived near us.

    We see his parents about once a month, sometimes more and sometime less. We see my parents about 2/3 times a year. They live in AL and we live in WI. In the last 3 yrs we've had FH losing his job twice, I've changed jobs twice, one job had company change over while there and vacation time was delayed. So we made it to AL for my sister's wedding but haven't been back since and that was 2 yrs ago. We see my siblings more than his, one of my sisters and my brother live by us. His sister just moved back home and his brother lives in NC. My sister and BIL that live in AL come and visit a couple times a year for long weekends. When my parents come for a visit, FILs always comes down to see them since they are good friends.

    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • I talk to my in-laws all the time. We have a wonderful relationship. Usually have dinner at my MIL house once a week. Text my SILs every week or so.
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  • FI and I are both really close to our families, so, frankly, a relationship never would have worked out between us if the other hadn't gotten along with our respective families. It would have been a dealbreaker for either one of us. That said, I don't think it's weird if someone isn't close to their family and doesn't worry if their SO doesn't get along with their family, or vice versa. It's just a personal dynamic. 

    FWIW, my bro and FI will never be best buds. Their personalities are just so different, but they like each other well enough, and respect each other, so I'd never push them. 

    I'm super lucky with my bro's FI though. She's the best, and as close as a sister to me. She's one of my bridesmaids, and I'm one of hers. Not because either of us felt obligated, but because that's what we wanted. I was actually surprised she asked me since she has her own sisters, and friends. Surprised, but honored and excited :) 
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  • I'm probably the odd ball out here. My family (a combination of half/step/real - both parents remarried and I have 3 sisters & 2 brothers) is super close due to my brother being in a serious car accident 5 years ago that he miraculously survived, but still suffers from traumatic brain injury. How my mom and dad still get along is just short of a miracle. 

    As for my DF - he is not super close with his family but he has strong family ties. We live about 2 hours from them and see them once every 6-8 weeks or so. I know his parents have affection for me, and vice versa, but I'm not super close with his siblings. We have pleasant conversations and love to get out board games (they are all between 12 and 19) but each of them are very private people which both DF and I respect.

    As for DF being close to my family...we're a tight-knit circle of mostly girls. It's hard to crack it, but they all love him. My dads are super reserved and would deny any affection for him, but that's just how they are.
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  • In Response to The "should I ditch my SIL" post below got me thinking..:
    how often to you talk to your in-laws (parents, siblings, etc)? Now granted we have ALWAYS lived far from both families, I've only seen my MIL 4-5 times since I met DH 6 years ago.  So we are a little different. I call MIL about once a month to say hi.   BIL and I swap text messages every few weeks.  1 SIL text every so often and the other one on holidays/birthdays. I don't think anyone in my family calls DH.   DH calls/text/FB my family on birthdays. Never once did we think there was anything wrong with that. We like each other, just don't have the need to be best buddies.    Just wondering
    Posted by lyndausvi
    I see my MIL everyday, she watches our kids Monday-Friday. My FIL we see almost every weekend because he's a truck driver so he's on the road most of the time.

    My SIL is like my blood sister. closer actually since i don't get along with my real sisters.

    Now that i think about it, i see my IL's a lot more than i see my family. I talk to my mom everyday or every other day but i don't see her much because of our conflicting work schedules...
  • My future in laws live in a country on the other side of globe and don't speak English. So, we won't be talking a whole lot I don't think. Not until we get closer to learning each other's languages.
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  • I had my SIL in my wedding as a BM, and I definitely got the feeling she was expecting it to be a BFF experience. We did bond, but we have very different interests, so it never evolved to that level. Though I come from a very stoic family and hubby's is very demonstrative. That could have been throwing her off. I don't cuddle my family and call them daily, but i'd lay down my life in a hot second for them.
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  • My future in-laws live across the country, so I talk to his mom/dad on the phone a couple times a month.  I think it's nice his mom calls me to chat.  His sister and I don't talk often, except a couple text messages here and there.  My FSIL isn't in our wedding, but her 2 kids are.  She will be doing a reading at the ceremony.

    My family never calls him just to chat, which I think bothered my FI as his family is so chatty, but I pointed out they hardly call me to chat.  I always call them :)
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