Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...

I'm Jewish and my fiance is more agnostic. We met in Arizona (where my family lives) and we dated two years before moving to Arkansas together to live near his mom after his father passed away,have lived here about a year and a half, and we are now planning on moving back to Arizona next month and getting married next November. Is that confusing?

We've been together long enough that he has had his share of Jewish experiences and he really enjoys celebrating holidays with my family and I. His family is like, super southern Baptist though, and my family is more like what I call "culturally Jewish." As in, his family makes sure they are in church multiple times a week, and carry bibles around and all of that. My family eats a lot of bagels and only goes to religious services on the important holidays, if that. My fiance doesn't feel like he fits in with his family's church, and even though we've been living near his family (and his mom constantly badgers him about going) has only attended church a handful of times. 

Planning our wedding, I have kind of envisioned it to be more spiritual than religious, although there are a couple Jewish traditions I would like to include. I have asked him if there are any Christian traditions he would like to include, and he has said no. 

So anyway, we are anticipating booking our venue as soon as we get out to Arizona and look at them, probably mid January. I have a good idea of places, and was asking his opinion, and he said he thought it would be a good idea to get married in the temple. He did bring up that it would be cheaper and they do have a huge reception hall and what not. He has also said he really wants us to have a traditional Jewish wedding like, oh, every time we talk about our wedding.

However, I know my family doesn't care how we get married, and I think his family (who already is going to have to travel) will feel uncomfortable there. His mother had already told us she would rather us get married in her church, and has even told him that he should try and convert me. I just know it isn't going to fly, and it had never really bothered me. I mean, I guess I just think its strange that my non Jewish fiance is the only one pressuring me to have a more Jewish wedding, isn't it? And what do I do? I have told him I would really rather make sure his family is comfortable and he kind of acts like it shouldn't matter. 
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...

  • Well, he's right. It shouldn't matter what his family thinks of the ceremony. That part is just about you two. You shouldn't hesitate to have a Jewish wedding, as long as that's what you want.
    image
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    You'd rather make his family comfortable at your wedding ceremony than do what feels natural to you and him?  The ceremony is the ONE and ONLY time during the wedding day that is truly about the couple.  You both do what YOU want in the ceremony.  If that's a Jewish ceremony, then have at it!

    Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they are scared, unsure, or uncomfortable at other religious ceremonies.  True, they *may* be, but it doesn't mean that they absolutely will be.  I'm Lutheran, but I love going to different ceremonies with different traditions. 

    The wedding is more than just the ceremony.  His family will be able to see other more distant family members, meet your family, and attend a lovely reception.  Please don't think "Oh, they're traveling so we can't have a Jewish service" because it's simply not true.  It's a whole event.  Host them well (as you should do anyway) with food, drink and entertainment. 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:79e86a50-6382-424e-91f9-45822bee8397">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stop worrying about what your parents will think and decide what is the best for the two of you. From your post it sounds like he wants to get married in the temple at least partially because of finances, and I think that isn't a good reason to have a religious ceremony. I don't know what promises are made in a Jewish ceremony, but if you promise to raise any kids Jewish, I would think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to commit to their religious instruction. If not, a UU minister might be a nice option and a good way to have a spiritual ceremony that incorporates both Jewish and Christian traditions.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    Jewish wedding ceremonies do not involve promises to raise future children Jewish.  There is really only one mention of children in the ceremony as one of the Sheva Brachot (seven blessings), and that is not about the future children of the couple, but about "children" in a general spiritual sense.

     I do agree with Liatris that saving money is not a good reason to have a Jewish wedding in a temple-it should be because that's what you both believe in.  And I do agree with your FI that you should not make his family comfortable at the expense of what you do truly believe in.  If it turns out that they choose not to attend a Jewish wedding (if that's what you have), it reflects on them and not on you.  Some people just won't allow themselves to be "comfortable" with other people's traditions.  OP, if there's no possibility of you converting to your FMIL's religion, I think you'd better nip that in the bud and make it clear that the subject is to be considered permanently closed.
  • Have you asked your FI specifically why he wants a Jewish wedding? 

    Does he think it will make you happier? Is it just for the financial reasons? Does he want to convert himself? Does he think it's a beautiful location?

    Asking him WHY specifically he wants a Jewish wedding would definitely help you figure this out. Have you explained to him your vision for the wedding ceremony? Have the two of you sat down together and compromised to put both of your wedding visions together? 

    Remember, the wedding is about both of you, not just the bride. So don't see it as him pressuring you to have a Jewish ceremony, but communicating with you that he wants that.

    Good luck!
  • If he's not really comfortable with his Southern Baptist upbringing anymore, do you think he's interested in converting? I would talk about faith in general a bit more and see what he envisiosn for himself and any future children you may want.

    Maybe this a round about way of telling you he wants to get more involved in Judaism.

    And like others said, the vast majority of people are perfectly fine attending wedding ceremonies for religions other than their own. I've been to a Baha'i ceremony! His parents may be slightly disappointed that he, as their son, isn't getting married in a church or continuing with their religious tradition, but it's ultimately his choice.
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:103b1889-54b6-4b65-ae65-667278e3d985">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If he's not really comfortable with his Southern Baptist upbringing anymore, do you think he's interested in converting? I would talk about faith in general a bit more and see what he envisiosn for himself and any future children you may want. Maybe this a round about way of telling you he wants to get more involved in Judaism. And like others said, the vast majority of people are perfectly fine attending wedding ceremonies for religions other than their own. I've been to a Baha'i ceremony! His parents may be slightly disappointed that he, as their son, isn't getting married in a church or continuing with their religious tradition, but it's ultimately his choice.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    <div>This totally hit the nail on the head. We talked about it, and he said he felt like this was his way into becoming part of the Jewish community. </div><div>
    </div><div>That said, it isn't like I assumed his family would be uncomfortable with it, they really are. However, I kind of think, in a way, it would be good for them. That kind of sounds weird. I don't mean like, I'm about to force my beliefs on his family... but, if my FI is serious about including Judaism in his personal spiritual journey, it is something they should become more comfortable with, you know. Also, regardless of if he converts or not, we have talked about raising our children Jewish.. so it hopefully will only be a matter of time before they have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah to attend. </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • breaking a glass and being lifted up in a chair... hell ya, I love jewish weddings!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Well you've had the most important conversation in regards to what part your faith will play in your future, especially with children. A traditional Jewish wedding may not be what you planned, but I don't think there is anything wrong with honoring his request. Talk more to him about your feelings and maybe you can come up with a happy compromise.

    I have no knowledge on the Jewish faith but would there be any issues with the temple & your kids getting bar mitzvah if you don't have a the ceremony in a temple? That would be my only concern with not doing it.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:5562a1d8-5222-4cb1-8392-c8d4c207a3ea">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well you've had the most important conversation in regards to what part your faith will play in your future, especially with children. A traditional Jewish wedding may not be what you planned, but I don't think there is anything wrong with honoring his request. Talk more to him about your feelings and maybe you can come up with a happy compromise. I have no knowledge on the Jewish faith but would there be any issues with the temple & your kids getting bar mitzvah if you don't have a the ceremony in a temple? That would be my only concern with not doing it.
    Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

    No, Judaism has no such requirements regardling the locations of weddings or children.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:fa035dbd-1541-4476-a792-988d5e09cf46">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding... : No, Judaism has no such requirements regardling the locations of weddings or children.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    I do think one requirement is that you have to have the actual ceremony before sundown though.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:eef280da-b0d1-4609-9cfd-03f6e9ccbbd7">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding... : I do think one requirement is that you have to have the actual ceremony before sundown though.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    No, Jewish weddings can take place at night.  They cannot take place on the Jewish Sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown) and on certain holidays, but there is no requirement that the ceremony has to take place during daylight hours.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:58a7c43f-938e-4fdc-a99e-6a12f1b33422">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding... : No, Jewish weddings can take place at night.  They cannot take place on the Jewish Sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown) and on certain holidays, but there is no requirement that the ceremony has to take place during daylight hours.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Good to know, thank you. I've never been to a jewish wedding at night so I didn't think they were allowed to.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-wants-a-super-jewish-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a679228f-3d21-4383-8e5d-a2193e627360Post:d4d32c74-a855-4a3d-a5d4-117d35d31c23">Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My fiance wants a super Jewish wedding... : Good to know, thank you. I've never been to a jewish wedding at night so I didn't think they were allowed to.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    You're welcome.  Given that most Jewish weddings do take place on weekends, it is pretty common for them to be on Sunday afternoons to accommodate the Jewish Sabbath the day before, especially in the summer when it would have to start pretty late at night if it were held on a Saturday night.  In fact, one of my cousins was married a few years ago in the summer on a Saturday night, and they had to wait until fairly late in the evening to start the ceremony.
  • I'm super late to this party so my comment probably won't be seen but...

    Do you realize that to be married in a synagogue by a rabbi you BOTH MUST BE JEWISH. Your FI must officially convert to Judaism before the ceremony in order for your marriage to be considered (and recognized) as a Jewish marriage.

    Take it from me, I know... I am dealing with this right now. I am Jewish. My FI is Protestant. We are having an interfaith wedding ceremony to honor both faiths and it is hard enough just finding a rabbi that is willing to officiate an interfaith ceremony that ISN'T going to be held in a synagogue. We also have the added issue of finding a rabbi who will co-officiate with my FI's uncle who is a Protestant minister. Most rabbi's WILL NOT co-officiate with members of other non-Jewish clergy. So, my advice is to do your research. 

    If your FI desires to convert then support him. The Reform and Reconstructionist movements are very supportive and welcoming to those who are seeking Jewish education, spirituality and culture. If he converts before your wedding then you WILL be able to have a real traditional Jewish wedding (in a synagogue if you prefer). Until then or if he decides he doesn't want to officially convert, you should plan to have an interfaith ceremony and seek out an officiant (possibly a rabbi) who is willing to perform such a ceremony. You might consider the Unitarian minister as PP suggested.

    Hope this helps... if you end up seeing it. Mazel Tov!

    Anniversary
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards