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Future MinL Problems!

bnhunt92bnhunt92
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in Moms and Maids
Sorry this is going to be long, but I really want advice.

So my future mother in law is a complete control freak and she believes she is never wrong. We are currently in a big argument over the guest list. I have always been respectful and nice no matter how wrong she is on a subject. Well now she wants me and my FH to have a huge wedding (about 300) with that being mostly her friends and coworkers. Her reasoning for this is that she is paying for the food (which I am very grateful for!), but there are other costs involved with more people that are being reflected on me and my mom such as decorations, cake, invitations, etc. My mom and I were hoping for about 150 at the wedding, and my FH wanted about 200. I thought we had all agreed on the middle ground of 200.... but the MIL keeps making the list longer and longer of people my FH and I don't even know. I finally stood up to her saying that we wanted to watch the costs and that we wanted a small personal wedding. She completly ignored me and said the costs aren't an issue because she is paying for the food.

Am I being selfish for wanting the people at my wedding to be either close to me or my FH? Should I try to stand up to her again? She thinks I do not know anything because I am just too young. My MIL is the most well off ($$$) of all the parties paying for the wedding, but she doesn't seem to understand that. My mom is completly siding with me on the issue, but I just wonder if I am just being a bridezilla. Thanks ladies.
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Re: Future MinL Problems!

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    kjwest5024kjwest5024
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    This may just be my personality coming out, but if I were you I would get her list. Sit down with your FH and find out who you both know and accommodate them. Then let her know.

    If she continues with it just address them and send them without her knowing (but that is my mean side talking)

    Good Luck
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    yellowrose314yellowrose314 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    As she's paying for a good chunk of the reception (and food can get pricey), she does have a say in elements of the wedding, including the guest list, but 100 extra people just from her side seems to be pushing it a bit. I think a good rule of thumb is 50% of the guest list decided by you and FI, and 25% each for each set of parents. So if you want a max of 200 people, then your parents and his parents each get to invite a max of 50 people each. That's quite a handful if you ask me.

    As for your FMIL, I think you need to make sure your FI is supportive of your decision. She's his mother, and he needs to stand up for you. She clearly doesn't understand that it's not a matter of HER being able to afford it, but your family as well, and you need to be assertive when telling her that. You're not being a bridezilla, just keep in mind that she deserves to have some input since she's paying for a portion of the wedding.
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2012
    Since's she's paying for the food, your MIL does get a say in how large the wedding is.  It really sounds like you have a few choices:
    1.  Ask your FI to talk to her (again) about need to cap your lists  in order to control costs in other areas.  Then do as others have suggested and get a priority list from her.
    2. Work out the per head cost of each guest (including linens, flowers, favors, etc.) and see if she will pay said cost for each person above 200 and will pay upfront.
    3.  Or (and this is probably what I'd do) decline her money for the food and pay for what you and your FI can afford to host in both size and other aspects of your wedding.

    I've generally found that DH and I do best when we handle our own families.  I would suggest he be the one to talk to her on all wedding related matters - it will help make this more about the two of you and less about your versus FMIL.
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment

    It isn't for you to handle this woman.  It's your FI's mother which means he is the one who deals with her.  If he won't then you have bigger problems.

    Like it or not, if your FMIL is contributing financially, she gets a say in the whole thing.  You and your FI need to sit down with your budget and figure out how many people you can afford to invite.  Split it as the two of you get 1/3, your parents get 1/3 and his parents get 1/3.  Your FI needs to make it clear to his mother that she is getting x number of guests to invite and if she gives you a list that goes beyond that set number then he will deciding who off that list gets an invitation.

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    nlindsay17nlindsay17 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    It doesn't seem like his mother realizes the other expenses 100 more people will add. He needs to talk to her about the added expenses. The bar, favors, centerpieces, linens, wedding cake and invitations all add up to a lot more. She needs to see that she is adding to everyones expenses and not just her own for the food.
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    CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-minl-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa9b29da-448a-4eaa-a4c6-b32132cef1f5Post:47aec783-1381-4248-b264-3e2415c9fbac">Re: Future MinL Problems!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This may just be my personality coming out, but if I were you I would get her list. <strong>Sit down with your FH and find out who you both know and accommodate them</strong>. Then let her know. If she continues with it just address them and send them without her knowing (but that is my mean side talking) Good Luck
    Posted by kjwest5024[/QUOTE]


    I like this idea. Get a list from her about who else she would add, and who they are in relation to her/the family. Tack on whoever you can reasonably say could be added, and let her know thats all you could accomodate. Do all of this with your FI by yur side, as he should be as involved in this as you are.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It would be very wrong to take her money for the food and then send out invitations to half her guests. Please don't do that. She has a right to know how her money is being spent.

    Your fi should level with his mom. Get everything out on the table. Show her the actual cost of adding in those extra guests, including favors, centerpieces, tableware rental - if it applies etc...He should tell her the budget is locked in at a total of 175 guests, because her budget is not the only one that needs to be considered. He should also let her know that the two of you only want to invite guests that you actually know. He should go over her guest list with her and eliminate accordingly so she knows what she is dealing with. Be above board about everything. If she doesn't want to go along with your plan, decline her money. Then you can do whatever you want.
                       
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    CeciliaawCeciliaaw
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    Im going through the same thing with my FMIL. Except its my parents that are paying for food. And my FMIL wants to keep adding people!! And she doesnt get the added expenses it is for everyone. Shes even said she wouldnt eat so she could invite more people!!!!! Luckily my FH is supporting me and trying to make her understand. I wish I had some advice to give you but I don't : its just nice to be able to relate to someone! I hope you get everything straightened out! Goodluck!! :
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    MegenQMegenQ member
    First Comment
    I would talk to the her, let her know that the wedding is suppose to be a day for family and close friends, and that you or your FI would not feel comfortable surround by people that you do not know. If that doesn't work, I would get a list of all the costs associated with the extra guest and explain it is not possible, if she would like to pay then that would be the end of it.
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    ranger13ranger13
    First Comment First Anniversary
    I am going through the same thing. My FI and I are paying for the whole wedding and want to have 200 people tops. His mother's list has 91 people on it. We don't even know some of the people. We have talk to her many times and she keeps saying, we have to send this person an invitation, I'm sure they won't come. It is very hard to get through to her. I'm really starting to stress over it! I think that we all just need to stick to what we want! They need to remember it is our day not thiers! They all had thier time!!
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    aligibson88aligibson88 member
    First Comment
    I feel your pain. The only difference I have is my FMIN isn't paying for anything and has opinions on everything. My parents are paying for everything and have barely said anything. Worst part is she doesn't talk to me she talks to my fiance.
    I told my FH that he needs to talk to her. Needs to tell her that as much as we respect her and her opinions - it is our day and it will be our way.
    I would just sit down with her and your FH and tell her that you appreciate her help in paying for the food but that you both wanted a smaller wedding and don't feel comfortable inviting people you don't know to your wedding. Not to mention she may be paying for the food which is a large portion but inviting more people means more tableclothes, more favours, more cake, more booze and those are the costs that you are paying for.
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