FIs/Hs with friends who are girls

aleighk1 · May 2011

FI sent me a text while I was at work today asking if I would care if he went to lunch with his friend B (who is female). I have never met B and have only heard FI talk about her once. I told him I was not comfortable with it because I had never met her before.

I trust him 100% and wouldn't mind if he went out to lunch with the girls he was friends with that I had met before. But for some reason I just did not feel comfortable with this.

Was I overreacting? Do your FIs/Hs have girl friends that they hang out with alone?

number55 · May 2011

My DH's best man was a best woman. They were really close in when they were in teacher's college. I trust them both so it doesn't bother me. If I didn't know the woman it might be different though.

leia1979 · May 2011

I think you overreacted a little, but at least it sounds like you explained it in a nice way. My FI has female friends I haven't met that he goes to lunch with sometimes. I've never thought twice about it.

NotColloquial · May 2011

I personally think you were overreacting. FI has gone out to lunch with ex-girlfriends of his that I have never met, and didn't even tell me beforehand. It doesn't bother me at all... He chose me, and that's all I need to know.

nurse.misty · May 2011

We made an agreement in the beginning that lunches were ok to have with friends of the opposite sex, but supper time was for us only. That being said, if it were somebody I had never met I can't say I would be thrilled with the idea. FI went to lunch with a female friend of his a few months ago that I know of but have never actually met. I trust him to do it, just would rather he didn't if that makes sense. He even brought me lunch from the place they ate while I was working, so it worked out for me.

Birdie1483 · May 2011

FI has female friends that are his friends (and not mine) but he doesn't hang out with them alone.

I, however, have guy friends that I hung out with alone (or without FI). FI doesn't mind. However, now that my few guy friends are either engaged or very serious with other girls I'm always mindful to extend the invitation to hang out with the girlfriends/fiancee as well. I like that FI trusts me to hang out with guys alone, but I feel weird now asking to hang out with another girl's' guy without extending the invitation to them as well. That leaves it up to them to go if they want to or not.

I thinkt he good thing here is that he was mindful enough to ask. I can't say* what is right or wrong for you to overreact to, but it's good that you're both honest with each other.

*ETA: typo

kcscejal · May 2011

FI has female friends I've never met and I have male friends he's never met. It wouldn't bother me, but I understand how it could bother you.

thesequel · May 2011

Two of my closest friends are guys from grad school. They are like my brothers and have seen me through some of the best and worst times in my life. C didn't have a chance to meet them until over a year into our relationship. He said that he was worried in the beginning but didn't want to overreact. He is now close with them and we often hang out with the boys and their SOs.

If you trust your FI, then trust your gut. Perhaps make an effort to get to know B. You may have a lot in common and plus it will make it easier on your FI.

Good luck!

aleighk1 · May 2011

Yeah, maybe I was being a bit insecure today. But I did ask him if he would be okay with me going to lunch with someone he had never met, and he said he would feel the same way. So it's good we're on the same page.

nurse.misty · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fishs-friends-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfddcd5d-25bb-4b4a-9d15-249f5ffc58d3Post:5570ff56-6e7f-4497-9d37-3bf67a5570e6">Re: FIs/Hs with friends who are girls</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, maybe I was being a bit insecure today. <strong>But I did ask him if he would be okay with me going to lunch with someone he had never met, and he said he would feel the same way.</strong> So it's good we're on the same page.
Posted by aleighk1[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily for this situation, but I have had to use that analogy a few times to get FI to see my side of something. Once I flip it around it's "oh yeah well I would be mad if you did that". Ok then, if you wouldn't want me to do something, you shouldn't do it either.

Ghoti · May 2011

Why did he want to go to lunch with her?

GeauxTigers17 · May 2011

I'll preface this by saying FI and I are really traditional in almost every aspect of our relationship, but I am not sure I would've been comfortable with it either. I usually test things by asking if the tables were turned, would FI be ok with it. And he wouldn't like me going to a social lunch with a man he didn't know.

Situations like this are definitely couple-by-couple, though; FI and I don't really maintain opposite-sex friendships outside the context of our relationship, but neither of us had many friends of the opposite sex before we got together anyway, and certainly not close ones. We both hang out with opposite-sex friends without the other, but just not on a one-on-one basis - it's always in groups. I would find it odd if he suddenly told me he was going to lunch with a girl I didn't know, but that's because that would be weird for him, you know?

Hahaha I see I'm late on my test. I agree with misty on the table-turning idea!

jeslm · May 2011

It doesn't sound like you over-reacted, and I see where you're coming from. I once had a major insecurity moment when FI (at the time not yet FI) started spending what seemed like a lot of one-on-one time with a girl I'd never met, but I knew he'd dated in the past. It just felt off, because I'd never met her. After one particularly late night, I explained to him that it made me feel weird to know he was out with her alone, and while I trusted him, I'd like the opportunity to meet her soon, just to see what she was all about. Once I put in in terms of "if I was doing the same thing, wouldn't you be uncomfortable?" he understood. I met her the next week, and we became quite close. Turned out she was uncomfortable with the situation too, and had wanted to meet me for a while just to make sure I knew she wasn't after him or anything.

We try not to spend one-on-one time with opposite-sex friends the other hasn't met before- we're personally just uncomfortable with it. But if one of us runs into an old friend or something the other doesn't freak. We just try to introduce them to each other if it looks like we'll be hanging out more often, to avoid any problems.

LP11509 · May 2011

H had a former coworker that he occasionally hung out with/had dinner with after work. I eventually met her, but even before I didn't care. Sometimes I got stuck at work late or had plans with a friend of my own after work and H didn't want to eat dinner alone. No big deal.

Now, if H wasn't being up front about it, or if he seemed to be avoiding introducing me to the person intentionally, that's a different story. But if he wants to have a drink or a meal with a someone that I just haven't have the chance to meet yet, I don't have an issue.

My parents have been married for 32 years. They each have friends of the same and opposite sex that they golf with or have lunch with. I think it's healthy.

Beachy730 · May 2011

I don't think you overreacted, and I think it's fine to want to meet her. The only female friends H has are his friends' GF's. He used to be friends with an ex who tried multiple times to booty call him while we were together, and that friendship ended. If he wanted to go to lunch with her it would be a big hell no, and a "conversation" about staying friends with a skank like that.

I have guy best friends, and I've gone to lunch and dinner alone with them many times in the past, but I honestly can't remember if I have since H and I have been together. All of them have long term GF's or FI's now though, so it was never a question for H if there was anything going on.

kellyjellybelly · May 2011

I don't think you over-reacted at all. It's much better to tell him how you feel then to pretend to be ok with it and harbor resentment about it later, KWIM?

mica178 · May 2011

H certainly has female friends that I've never met, and I don't mind that they hang out, assuming that the intention is for them to meet me at some point in the future. However, aleigh, if you're feeling uncomfortable about the situation, better to voice your concerns than to bottle them up inside.

MeaganR12 · May 2011

He asked you about it so obviously he wasn't trying to hide something.

My FI has gone out to lunch/coffee with friends that I've never met who are girls. I've never minded, and I don't think you necessarily have a right to tell him not to go to lunch with someone.

But I understand that every relationship dynamic is different and I gather from your second post that you two worked it out.

kellyjellybelly · May 2011

1. Just because someone asks does not in any way mean they aren't trying to hide something.

2. She has every right to tell him she is not comfortable with him going to lunch with someone. Especially since he asked her if she was ok with it. She wasn't and she told him so.

And Aleigh, I am in no way saying your FI is trying to hide something

After all the shiit my friend's Hs have pulled this year, I would not be thrilled if H called me and asked if he could go to lunch with a random girl I don't know. And I might just throw a tracker in his car for good measure.

polichik · May 2011

I think it's great that you were honest with him about your feelings instead of telling him that you were comfortable with it if you truly weren't. I do think it might be a good idea to think about where that discomfort came from and to talk it over with your FI.

I go out to lunch with a male co-worker after our Wednesday meeting, and it wouldn't even cross my mind to ask DH. Then again, I used to be very uncomfortable with him hanging out with female friends early on in our relationship until I realized that it was completely my issue with being insecure. I'm not saying that you're insecure or anything like that, but I think it's good to examine why you felt uncomfortable. I'm presuming your FI has never given you any reason to be suspicious, so I'm wondering what there was to be uncomfortable about.

I do not at all think it's wrong for a couple to draw boundaries about not hanging out with members of the opposite sex alone. It would just concern me if you felt as though you had something to worry about, you know?

lisa89760 · May 2011

I don't think you overreacted at all but I personally don't have an issue with it. My FI, on the other hand, would have an issue with me doing something like that. Going out to lunch is no big deal to me, and since I work with mostly males it happens a lot. I think it depends on how each person feels and as long as your honest with each other, that's whats important.

KentuckyKate · May 2011

It depends for me, because some contexts seem more "datey" than others. For example, I would never think twice about him eating lunch with a female coworker (especially since the whole last year that I worked in an office I always ate lunch with males), but I would have a problem with him scheduling dinner with that same person after work. I wouldn't care about running over to a coffee shop with a female coworker during the work day, but it would set off something in my radar if he left early to meet up with that same coworker to have coffee before work.

emilyinchile · May 2011

I'm in the minority here, but I think you really overreacted. Like hugely. I cannot imagine H or I ever telling the other not to go to lunch with a friend that we hadn't met just because of sex. It just would not cross my mind that I need to vet his choice of friends or that just because I haven't met a girl she must be a scheming man-stealer.

Like I said, clearly everyone else agrees more with you, aleigh, I'm just really surprised by that.

Carlydl · May 2011

I think you reacted appropriately. Like PPs have said, it's better to express that you are uncomfortable with the situation than to not say anything and nurse resentment about it.

Only you and your FI can decide what boundaries are comfortable and appropriate for the context of your relationship. It sounds like you guys are already on the same page about it, so just keeping talking things out and you'll be on the right track!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

I think you're overreacting.

H has plenty of friends, male and female, who I haven't met or didn't meet until the wedding. (The consequences of going to a well-known college and then dispersing across the country afterward.) It was lovely to meet them. However, had they been in town for something else or had he been visiting their cities and wanted to meet up with them without me, I would have had no problem with that, either. It's not like he ever dated any of them (the one girl in their circle whom he did date for 3 years wasn't invited to our wedding and he doesn't like to see her) and it's not as though he WOULD try anything, since, you know, he's with me. I honestly would trust him just as much with a girl as I would with another guy.

GeauxTigers17 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fishs-friends-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfddcd5d-25bb-4b4a-9d15-249f5ffc58d3Post:b250de8c-b7f0-43d7-9237-6bc0b55db115">Re: FIs/Hs with friends who are girls</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the minority here, but I think you really overreacted. Like hugely. I cannot imagine H or I ever telling the other not to go to lunch with a friend that we hadn't met just because of sex. It just would not cross my mind that I need to vet his choice of friends or that just because I haven't met a girl she must be a scheming man-stealer. Like I said, clearly everyone else agrees more with you, aleigh, I'm just really surprised by that.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>I think the difference here is that he <em>asked</em> her, and she gave an honest answer - I just don't think there's anything wrong with that. If she had just flipped out on him for going to lunch, I could see this POV. But to have him ask, and then expect her to say "sure go ahead" when she's not - I just don't think that's fair to ask her opinion and expect her to go along with it no matter how she actually feels. If he had a problem with how she feels, then that would be something to discuss (clearly he didn't here, aleigh, just thinking out loud). </div>

jemmini6 · May 2011

I don't think you overreacted because your feelings were honest and it's not like you went all ghetto "I'll cut-a-bitch if she talks to my man" on him or anything.

Personally though, I think being uncomfortable with it is a sign of insecurity or trust issues. Maybe not, but I trust FI 100%, even if he wanted to go out to lunch with his exGF, whom I've never met, I don't think I'd be uncomfortable with it or ask him not to go. He's with ME and I know that no lunch with another girl is going to change that.

NuggetBrain · May 2011

I think it's a little odd. If he was going to go out and boink her, I doubt he would have called and asked if he could go to lunch with her first. If you trust him, then what's the big deal? It's not like he's going to some fancy dinner and then a movie.

Ghoti · May 2011

I don't quite understand either. If you 100% trust your Fi, then what is the issue? Are you envious? Have the two of you been getting enough date time and such?

I think it really depends on the "why" part of this. I wouldn't have an issue if FI ate lunch/went out to lunch with a coworker, a friend he's known since before we met or a friend he hasn't seen or talked to forever. Some random chick that he met at the mall, yeah that would be weird.

mandysmear · May 2011

my husband works as a chef. 80% of the front of house staff are chicks. so, i've gotten used to the reality. i can see how you'd be uncomfortable. i don't think you're psycho or anything. but, i would suggest meeting her.

once i started going out for beers with my husband and his work crew and i got to meet the women he was working with, i was at ease. like 100% at ease.

LoveMuffins · May 2011

i think it's a little weird that he asked personally... i mean, if he cheated before then i would understand more. but i would be totally weirded out if FI asked my permission to go out with one of his friends, male or female.

granted, i do get jealous (who doesn't?) and there are times when he'll be like, "i'm going to do this" and i'm like, "ummmm... not sure i'm ok with that", but neither of us ask permission. i see where you're coming from though, and i think that not wanting to let him hang out with a friend is a little weird, but i also think that him asking is what put you in that position in the first place, and if he's going to ask, honesty is the best policy for open communication.

so if he's asking, then no, it's not an overreaction.

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