Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid

KylieMatt718 · August 2012

So I have a HUGE bridal party. 10 bridesmaids (what was I thinking!?!?) I have this best friend of 10 years who I cherished so deeply.....until I got engaged. Her initial response was "What the $%*#? Ew!" I figured she was just a little taken back and was not the marrying type so I let that slide. I did not think she truly felt that way so of course, being my best friend for 10 years, I included her in the wedding. Since then, she has become such an awful friend to me. Another bridesmaid told me last night that she said "I went with Kylie to get her shorts for her engagement pictures so CHECK my wedding duties are over." and laughed about it. Look...I have not asked a SINGLE thing from any one of my bridesmaids. 3 out of the 10 have offered to help....and I have made SURE to not put any out or make them feel like I am asking too much from them. (I literally have not made them do/pay for anything). It has been brought to my attention that said "best friend" really does not care about my wedding, or the fact that I am marrying a truly INCREDIBLE man. People tell me she is just jealous, but how far do I let this go?? I am at a loss for what to do because I do not want her to be a part of my day, so that she can party at my expense. (She has a partying problem). I also do not want her to be a part of my day if she does not even stand by my decision or honor the love in my life. I never knew how truly awful it felt to have a bridesmaid act this way! What the heck do I do now!????!

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

It sounds like she told you her feelings on you getting engaged but you decided to ask her anyway. Also it sounds like her "partying problem" is something you've known about for awhile, so if that was an issue, why did you still ask her?

Now that you've asked her, you can't kick her out unless you totally want to ruin your friendship with her (is that what you want? I can't tell from your post or if you're just upset about the wedding stuff). I would probably just not talk wedding with her; it's obvious she isn't interested in it. I'd keep her in the wedding and try to work on the friendship issues first and foremost.

Marrin713 · August 2012

I wonder why she accepted if those are her feelings about your upcoming marriage and your fiance? Maybe on some level she does support you. I agree with PP, keep wedding talk to a minimum with this particular friend.

libby2483 · August 2012

Kicking her out would likely be a friendship ending move. If you want to completely end your relationship with her, go ahead and kick her out. But if you still want her in your life, keep her in the bridal party.

I am sorry to hear that your "friend" is acting this way; I can understand how it would be quite frustrating. However, I do wonder why you asked someone who responded to your engagement with, "What the $#%@" to be in your bridal parrty. She made it clear that for whatever reason she doesn't support your marriage, so it seems a bit silly to think she would act differently once she was a BM.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bestfriendbad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f2ecc43-5519-47d9-a217-4af03cc1e739Post:64811071-2e86-441f-8100-e3e0dd9f5103">Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a HUGE bridal party. 10 bridesmaids (what was I thinking!?!?) I have this best friend of 10 years who I cherished so deeply.....until I got engaged. Her initial response was "What the $%*#? Ew!" I figured she was just a little taken back and was not the marrying type so I let that slide. I did not think she truly felt that way so of course, being my best friend for 10 years, I included her in the wedding. Since then, she has become such an awful friend to me. Another bridesmaid told me last night that she said "I went with Kylie to get her shorts for her engagement pictures so CHECK my wedding duties are over." and laughed about it. Look...I have not asked a SINGLE thing from any one of my bridesmaids. 3 out of the 10 have offered to help....and I have made SURE to not put any out or make them feel like I am asking too much from them. (I literally have not made them do/pay for anything). It has been brought to my attention that said "best friend" really does not care about my wedding, or the fact that I am marrying a truly INCREDIBLE man. People tell me she is just jealous, but how far do I let this go?? I am at a loss for what to do because I do not want her to be a part of my day, so that she can party at my expense. (She has a partying problem). I also do not want her to be a part of my day if she does not even stand by my decision or honor the love in my life. I never knew how truly awful it felt to have a bridesmaid act this way! What the heck do I do now!????!
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]
She can be happy for you even while thinking that weddings are the worst and most obnoxious thing on earth, which it seems like the attitude that she has. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to deal with wedding stuff, so don't force it. You still have a really long time until your wedding, and even people who are into weddings may get burned out by it. Just drop it with her for a while, and don't bring up the wedding at all until it comes time to look for dresses. I'm sure you've had friends who've undertaken projects that you support them in, but have absolutely no interest in getting dragged along with. Trying to whip her into some sort of preapproved bridesmaid role is just going to cause needless drama and pain for both of you.

SmallenForever · August 2012

Omg, your friend sounds exactly like my friend. Except that when she said "ew" to the engagement, I didn't ask her to be in the wedding party (and then she threw a fit). Some people are just hard to get along with. I don't have any advice, but I understand what you're going through.

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bestfriendbad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f2ecc43-5519-47d9-a217-4af03cc1e739Post:64811071-2e86-441f-8100-e3e0dd9f5103">Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a HUGE bridal party. 10 bridesmaids (what was I thinking!?!?) I have this best friend of 10 years who I cherished so deeply.....until I got engaged. Her initial response was "What the $%*#? Ew!" I figured she was just a little taken back and was not the marrying type so I let that slide. I did not think she truly felt that way so of course, being my best friend for 10 years, I included her in the wedding. Since then, she has become such an awful friend to me. Another bridesmaid told me last night that she said "I went with Kylie to get her shorts for her engagement pictures so CHECK my wedding duties are over." and laughed about it. Look...I have not asked a SINGLE thing from any one of my bridesmaids. 3 out of the 10 have offered to help....and I have made SURE to not put any out or make them feel like I am asking too much from them. (I literally have not made them do/pay for anything). It has been brought to my attention that said "best friend" really does not care about my wedding, or the fact that I am marrying a truly INCREDIBLE man. People tell me <strong>she is just jealous</strong>, but how far do I let this go?? I am at a loss for what to do because I do not want her to be a part of my day, so that she can party at my expense. (She has a partying problem). I also do not want her to be a part of my day if she does not even stand by my decision or honor the love in my life. I never knew how truly awful it felt to have a bridesmaid act this way! What the heck do I do now!????!
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why do women automatically go to the jealousy card when someone doesn't fall all over themselves with excitement? It doesn't make her sound jealous, it makes you sound self absorbed.</div><div>
</div><div>Your wedding may be the most important and interesting thing to ever happen to YOU, but that doesn't mean it is the most important thing to happen to her. Not everyone is going to care about your wedding. It doesn't make her a bad friend, and it certainly isn't a reason to ruin your friendship with an incredibly nasty move, like kicking her out. </div><div>
</div><div>Get over it, and stop ALL wedding talk with her. Obviously, it isn't something she's interested in. Be happy that you have friends that do care about your wedding, and go to them with wedding talk and projects. </div><div>
</div><div>Think about this rationally. If you had a friend that had absolutely no interest in your line of work, and just couldn't get interested when you talked about work, didn't want to go to career fairs with you, didn't want to meet your work friends, etc, would you sit her down and tell her she was being a bad friend and needed to focus more on you? Of course not. Why would it be different with your wedding?
</div>

pomundson0 · August 2012

I personally got the huff/eyeroll/"are you F&%#@$g kidding me... I just KNEW something like this would happen today" response from one of my best friends. She was going through a hard time and I broke the news to her alone in private (unlike springing it on everyone at the table upstairs like we did shortly thereafter). I was crushed, especially since it was my birthday. She has since really come around, and is excited and happy now, but just wasn't happy with how her life was going, I wouldn't call it jealousy, just unhappy for several reasons, none of which I could blame her for. I did after that on a few occasions let her know that if she had too much going on and didn't want to be in the WP, I wouldn't be upset, but she had the option to back out if it was too much, which she appreciated, but declined. I did tiptoe around wedding talk with her for months, and actually honestly still do because I'm so afraid of smothering her with it, her feelings are very important to me. Might need to sit your friend down and have a gentle but serious talk with her, neutral territory like a walk outside or something, and get it all out. Explain how you feel. Give her the option that if your marriage is something she really doesn't support, she can always step out without fear of you hating her, but if she wants to stay in, you need her support as a friend to help you through any planning stress, even if it's just someone to talk to. It's not a fun conversation but it will move things forward one way or another. I wish you lots of luck

pretzelgrrl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bestfriendbad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f2ecc43-5519-47d9-a217-4af03cc1e739Post:005026a9-e7cb-41ca-a067-fd044b881a08">Re: Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]P.S. If you are getting stressed with wedding planning, then you are DOING IT WRONG. You need to sit down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if you will be any less married without the x thing you are getting stressed about. Then cross it off the list, because you don't need it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree with you there. You can be stressed and doing it right. Most of the time my stress was caused by people so I couldn't just cross them off the list. Also, some people (like me) are just stressed/overwhelmed by choices and deadlines.

pretzelgrrl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bestfriendbad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7f2ecc43-5519-47d9-a217-4af03cc1e739Post:eafb2166-e0e8-462b-b0e8-1fd3d43b58e0">Re: Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Then stop sharing your plans with those people. Don't talk wedding around them at all. Keep information a need-to-know basis. Get your fiance to help you with making decisions. It's his wedding, too, so he should be doing that.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Kind of confused...were you referring to me. I'm already married so my stress is in the past. The people who stressed me out were not people I was sharing wedding details with. It was people who did not get along and tried to drag me in (I stayed out of it...not sure if tht was the right choice or not) and my mother who I love to death but tries to get involved in everything.

I didn't ask any of these people to make choices or decicions...I was just saying that with all the choices and decisions out there for favors, songs, venues, food choices...it can boggle your mind and stressed me out a bit. I get that you might not get stressed by choices and decisions but it can stress some people.

So, all I was saying was I disagree with your statement "if are stressed planning a wedding you are doing something wrong".
I never said anything about needing support...just that I definitely got stressed during my planning process due to people and making decisions and worrying if they were the right choices.

Bestfriend...BAD bridesmaid

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