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FMIL and FI fight - stuck in the middle

honeybear9311honeybear9311
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in Moms and Maids

MY FMIL and FI are seconds away from killing each other it seems... My FMIL and I get along, but she keeps talking to me about how upset she is with him, how rude he is, lazy, jerk, i should leave him b/c he is acting so childish, ectttttttttt
BTW she is mad b/c she is moving and when he packed up her pictures he didnt wrap them and apparentally this means he is horrid and he gets an attitude when she asks about things for the wedding (she tried telling him the way he was going to propose was all wrong, the date we chose was stupid b/c he is a student and would have to miss ONE clase for our honeymoon)
I feel he is in the right mostly but don't know what to do when she talks about him like that to me, if i get pissy about it with her then all hell will break loose, but me defending him in the most politically correct way.. well it makes me feel like im letting him down even though i know he isnt upset with me
This is new ground for me we havent even been engages a WEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Suggestions from seasoned Daughter-n-laws?

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Re: FMIL and FI fight - stuck in the middle

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    katieanne85katieanne85
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    edited December 2011
    You are not marrying FMIL you are marrying your FI, that solves your stuck in the middle problem. Dont listen to her badmouthing him, tell her you are not going to talk to her if she is going to be nasty. Dont get pissy, stand your ground, dont insult back, or engage in that conversation at all, let her know where you stand, change the subject or leave. You may get along fine with her, but you need to be on Fi's team. She may get pissy with you, but thats on her, not you. Ultimately the issues are between Fi and her, but you do not need to get sucked in the middle, stand with your Fi, no exceptions. I would also hesitate to get married before you have made it clear to her how you will handle it. Whatever problems you have or stress from feeling stuck in the middle will get worse when she goes out to drive a wedge in a marriage, which will already be stressful with school being in session.
    Good luck!

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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>when she talks about him like that to me

    When is it that she talks about him to you?

    If she's calling your cell phone, that's inappropriate, and you can change your number and tell her that you can only use the cell phone for work.  Ditto your e-mail address.

    If you are going over to her house and hanging out with her by yourself, that's inappropriate so stop it.  She's not your friend who you've known forever.  She's your FI's mom and you have only known her a short time.

    If you and FI are going over to her house and FI is taking off to go out back and talk to his father, leaving you alone with FMIL, that's inappropriate and he'll have to adjust his behavior.

    Even today, when we visit DH's parents, we are together with his parents.  My MIL has only called my cell phone once, when we were all meeting at an amusement park and she wanted to tell her son where she had parked but her son had forgotten his cell phone.  She has never e-mailed me.

    You need to back away from all of this.  Your FI needs to grow up and put some distance in there too, and when he deals with his mother, he needs to deal with his mother and not come to you and re-enact the entire conversation.
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    xoxobxoxob member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fi-fight-stuck-middle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db26585d-77bd-4989-b14c-e889bd77857aPost:bdebf688-ec05-4330-b1cc-cd9c6161c851">Re: FMIL and FI fight - stuck in the middle</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>when she talks about him like that to me When is it that she talks about him to you? If she's calling your cell phone, that's inappropriate, and you can change your number and tell her that you can only use the cell phone for work.  Ditto your e-mail address. If you are going over to her house and hanging out with her by yourself, that's inappropriate so stop it.  She's not your friend who you've known forever.  She's your FI's mom and you have only known her a short time. If you and FI are going over to her house and FI is taking off to go out back and talk to his father, leaving you alone with FMIL, that's inappropriate and he'll have to adjust his behavior. Even today, when we visit DH's parents, we are together with his parents.  My MIL has only called my cell phone once, when we were all meeting at an amusement park and she wanted to tell her son where she had parked but her son had forgotten his cell phone.  She has never e-mailed me. You need to back away from all of this.  Your FI needs to grow up and put some distance in there too, and when he deals with his mother, he needs to deal with his mother and not come to you and re-enact the entire conversation.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]


    In this situation I understand what you are saying, but is it inappropriate for a DIL to be alone with her MIL in general/why?
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    katieanne85katieanne85
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    doesnt it get exhausting having to avoid your inlaws? I find being upfront and honest with people is much less stressful. changing your phone number and email should not be your first impulse, thats ridiculous.

    Seriously why is it innappropriate?

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    tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ask your FI how he wants you to handle it, since it's his mother & he's probably used to her tantrums.

    I personally am very protective of my FI & won't let anybody bad mouth him when he's not standing right there.  Not even his own family.  There are times when I won't let him bad mouth himself either.   HTH
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