She wants to wear pants!

mt4sbwy · November 2010

I asked my two best friends to be bridesmaids. Neither of them is terribly girly, but they will wear dresses and skirts; I am the definition of pretty fairy princess. I told them "Pick a dress in blue, green, purple, or copper, and take a picture so I can approve it before you buy it." That is ALL I am asking them to do for the wedding - that and show up on the day of and smile.

So last night I get an e-mail. One of them has found a shirt to wear. It's a sheer brown chiffon thing that's cut waaaay down low and has weird mesh insets with gaudy gold embroidery. She wants to wear it with tight slacks. And she's already bought it. Oh, and they've both dyed their hair - one blue, one purple.

We are having a formal wedding in a Catholic church. Better than half our guests are over 50. How do I tactfully say no way to pants?

cyn1812000 · November 2010

I understand what you're saying - but I'm not sure there's a tactful way to say it. Just tell them what you've written in your post. That you're having a traditional Catholic wedding and that it's important to you that they wear dresses. You only get the one day - you're friends should understand that.

bethsmiles · November 2010

Hmmm....this is a hard one. If I were you I would take her out to lunch or something and tell her that you love her dearly and appreciate that she has her own sense of style but for your wedding pants really would not be the appropriate attire. I think that it was rude of her to take advantage of the freedom in choice that you gave her. She may not like dresses but I'm sure she could find one dress that she is willing to wear. Maybe offer to go shopping with her? Make it a fun day out for the two of you?

mt4sbwy · November 2010

She's (they're both) more than halfway across the country, so going out to lunch or going shopping isn't feasible. That was part of the reason for letting them choose.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

"That's a great outfit, honey, but I'm not sure it's going to work for the wedding. Can you choose something a little more church-friendly?"

There is nothing wrong with them choosing to wear pants, as there are plenty of great women's formalwear options that don't require a skirt. And the color of their hair is also not relevant, and most certainly not something you have a say over. But asking her to avoid very low-cut tops and skin-tight pants isn't unreasonable.

mt4sbwy · November 2010

There's nothing wrong with her choosing pants/separates after I specifically asked her to choose a dress? There's no reason she can't find a dress that would look nice on her; she has one of those figures. I didn't even specify one particular color!

calindi · November 2010

It's a little late, but perhaps giving them a bit more parameters - like from a certain store? If you picked a color (or a few colors) and told them to buy any dress at David's Bridal in those colors, then you'll at least get a dress!

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

But if she's not comfortable in a dress and would prefer pants, you should accommodate her. It doesn't matter what you think would look good on her, it's her body and her money. Your pictures will look far worse if she's uncomfortable and unhappy in a dress than if she's comfortable and happy in pants. Presumably keeping your friends happy is more important than what's covering their butts, right?

oceana919 · November 2010

1) You have no say over her hair color, unfortunately. Same goes for piercings, tattooes, etc. Just let that one go.

2) Have you even asked her why she selected that outfit? There could be any number of reasons - she put on weight and doesn't feel comfortable in a dress. She couldn't find a dress she liked. She couldn't afford an expensive bridesmaid dress. She couldn't find something that fit into your parameters. Until you know her reasoning for that choice, it's hard to really know what to even say/do.

3) If it boils down to price or being unable to find a style she liked, I would very politely tell her, "that's a cute outfit, but it would probably be more appropriate, considering the formality of the wedding, if we could find a dress that you like." While it was very considerate of you to give her so much freedom in the selection of her dress, that might be a bit daunting to her. I would consider providing her with a specific store and colors she could pick from - e.g. "Any dress from David's Bridal in Juniper, Cognac, or Plum would work!" That gives them their choice of color, cut, length, and price.

4) If it boils down to that she'd feel genuinely uncomfortable in a dress, you may want to consider biting the bullet and letting her wear a formal pants-based outfit or a suit. There are outfits that involve pants that would be completely suitable for a wedding:

http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?productID=d92e1cc1-c351-4802-bfe1-20724eaa2d7b&categoryID=01192db8-bf9e-425c-a67c-e0e9484157ae&pg=1&colorId1=

http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?productID=a86204f4-34c4-4373-a9ef-a70740e3246c&categoryID=01192db8-bf9e-425c-a67c-e0e9484157ae&pg=1&colorId1=

http://www.thebridalshop.com/montage/16949.

htm

lalap69 · November 2010

Pick up the phone and call her up. Tell her that the outfit she chose isn't church or wedding appropriate and ask her why she picked it. Work with her from there. Hopefully you can end up with something you're both comfortable with.

redheadedgeek · November 2010

It sounds like you were clear on what you expected so I think you have the right to be annoyed. As it is a church wedding, you could use that as your reason that she needs to re-think her choice. In any other circumstance, I would suggest that you let it go but, by her agreeing to be a bride's maid, she agreed to follow a few rules. Some brides are very specific over hair, makeup, jewlery, etc. All used asked for was a skirt or dress in a certain color. Talk to her and see what she is willing to do. If she is not willing to be flexible then you have some choices to make.
Good luck!

1ofThoseDays · November 2010

I have no idea why pants are such an issue.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:d580bdd9-723c-4be8-940a-41d12b930efe">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you were clear on what you expected so I think you have the right to be annoyed. As it is a church wedding, you could use that as your reason that she needs to re-think her choice. In any other circumstance, I would suggest that you let it go but, by her agreeing to be a bride's maid, she agreed to follow a few rules. <strong>Some brides are very specific over hair, makeup, jewlery, etc</strong>. All used asked for was a skirt or dress in a certain color. Talk to her and see what she is willing to do. If she is not willing to be flexible then you have some choices to make. Good luck!
Posted by redheadedgeek[/QUOTE]
Any bride who is specific about that stuff is in the wrong, slightly less so if she's footing the bill, but not by much. Sorry, but dictating those details is very controlling.

I understand how the low-cut blouse or the tightness of the pants could be an issue, but I don't really know any churches that forbid pants on women altogether. I was raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday, and I went wearing pants from pretty much the moment I could pick out my own clothes. So unless you've heard from your priest that all women present must be in dresses, using that as an excuse to veto pants altogether would be lying.

Simply Fated · November 2010

I think pants are fine, as long as they aren't "trashy".

And the shirt sounds like it would be great for a club.

Question, but does your friend usually wear club clothes to church?

I have no idea why you are worried about their hair color if your wedding isn't until July. Surely it doesn't matter what their hair color is now. Not that it should ever matter, I'm just saying, it's unreasonable that you are upset with what their hair looks like in November for a July wedding.

tldh · November 2010

Usually I'm on board with letting the BM's pick what they wear. That said, I draw the line at pants, especially for a traditional Catholic ceremony.

deepcovejackie · November 2010

I don't see the problem with pants, really. However I'm not Catholic. What about one outfit for the ceremony (purchased by OP) and one for the reception (purchased by the bridesmaid). Having said that, as pp said, it's probably too early to be shopping for wedding clothes.

Simply Fated · November 2010

I read some of the comments in this forum and it made me realize which side of the fence I'd rather be on:
http://christianblogs.christianet.com/1138306191.htm

As a guest, I am all for following certain cultural guidelines out of respect for my hosts.
But that doesn't make it right to force such guidelines on women.

That's all I have to say.

orangecrush32 · November 2010

I would definitely let her know that pants aren't okay. I think this is something that a bride can be adament about. When someone agrees to be a bridesmaid they're basically agreeing to wear a dress for the day. Especially at a Catholic ceremony. At my sister's ceremony we had to cover our shoulders because the priest refused to marry them if our shoulders were showing. (Not a Catholic rule, just one from the priest who was marrying them.)

Also..I have no idea why this is in italics. It won't stop. haha

tenofcups4me · November 2010

Since you said she's your best friend, I'd just tell her the truth -- great outfit for clubbing, not so much for my wedding. Then maybe the two of you can go shopping together next time you see each other or you can email her some pics of the kind of thing you had in mind. She just sounds kind of clueless -- is she very young or maybe hasn't attended too many weddings?

tlbattaglia · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:254b185d-43f8-4bd7-82e0-3d00e756db61">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand what you're saying - but I'm not sure there's a tactful way to say it. Just tell them what you've written in your post. That you're having a traditional Catholic wedding and that it's important to you that they wear dresses. You only get the one day - you're friends should understand that.
Posted by cyn1812000[/QUOTE]

I like this advice.

tldh · November 2010

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:e8b6b9b8-0965-4054-b991-204dd962f447">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would definitely let her know that pants aren't okay. I think this is something that a bride can be adament about. When someone agrees to be a bridesmaid they're basically agreeing to wear a dress for the day. Especially at a Catholic ceremony. At my sister's ceremony we had to cover our shoulders because the priest refused to marry them if our shoulders were showing. (Not a Catholic rule, just one from the priest who was marrying them.) Also..I have no idea why this is in italics. It won't stop. haha
Posted by orangecrush32[/QUOTE]

My Baptist SIL insisted that we wear shawls with our spaghetti strap dresses in the church for her Catholic wedding out of respect. Almost every wedding I've attended has been in the Catholic church and I will say that almost everyone would have been asking "WTF" if they saw bridesmaids in pants and a few older guests would be downright angry. I grew up in the liberal Jesuit Catholic churches and this would not have flown even there.

I like the idea of wearing them for the reception if she likes.</div>

SaraAndrew2010 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:c6d968b8-a2fa-4767-ab79-c1d051155fe6">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She wants to wear pants! : My Baptist SIL insisted that we wear shawls with our spaghetti strap dresses in the church for her Catholic wedding out of respect. Almost every wedding I've attended has been in the Catholic church and I will say that almost everyone would have been asking "WTF" if they saw bridesmaids in pants and a few older guests would be downright angry. I grew up in the liberal Jesuit Catholic churches and this would not have flown even there. I like the idea of wearing them for the reception if she likes.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

FI and I are Catholic and having a Catholic mass for our wedding. Although some Catholic churches do have requirements for covered shoulders or no low cut tops, I've never heard of a Catholic church (in the US at least) with a no-pants rule. I agree that many traditional guests would find pants on a BM really strange, but I don't think I would picture anyone being angry. Women wear pants to mass all the time.

That being said, I do agree that a BM wearing pants would seem out of place and not in-line with the formality of the wedding. I think there are two issues here:

1. The particular outfit the BM has picked out tight pants and a low-cut top. It's perfectly fine to tell her that outfit is not appropriate for the church and that she needs to find something more conservative to wear.

2. The fact that the BM wants to wear pants. Generally, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a BM to wear a dress. However, I would make exceptions if she is really uncomfortable in dresses and never wears them. I think the key here is finding out why this BM picked out a pants outfit. Did she already own the pants outfit and is trying to save money by not buying a dress? Is she self-concious about the way she looks in dresses? You need to determine her reasoning before you can decide whether or not it is worth pressing her to pick out a dress.

bdriley · November 2010

When asked to be a bridesmaid I'm sure the first thing in their head was, "I have to buy a dress". Maybe after you told her she could pick the outfit she thought she'd test your conviction by buying a pants outfit. It's your wedding so it's your choice for what your bridesmaids wear. There are plenty of other boards that say the same thing. If you've given them some freedom of choice but set your limits then you have to enforce those limits. Tell her there was a reason you told her not to buy before you had a chance to see the outfit, because ultimately it is YOUR decision. If she has a problem with skirts then find out why. Don't let it slide.

Habs2Hart · November 2010

I think by giving them the 4 choices of colour in whatever dress they choose, then you are being very thoughtful of your BM's. If you specified dress, you specified dress.

You even asked for pictures to get approval. If this is something she will wear out to the club or on her own, then tell her to keep it, wear it clubbing, but please choose a dress in one of the 4 colours to wear to the wedding.

laurenes · November 2010

This is not an issue of feminism within the church like it sounds some people are making it out to be. Catholic women wear pants all the time to church and nobody does a double take. The point is that a Catholic wedding is generally a traditional wedding, you would like your bridesmaids to look like they belong in a traditional wedding party, and you have set very generous guidelines about how the can go about doing so. My personal opinion is that there are very few requirements for bridesmaids, but one of them is to wear a dress or shirt and skirt/pants in the color, style and level of formality requested by the bride (but it's a little ridiculous for the bride to dictate exact shoes, make up, jewelry, etc). By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you agree to wear an outfit with those restrictions in mind. The sad thing is, there is no great way to break it to your friend, who has (quite rudely) put you in an awkward position by purchasing an outfit she knew did not fit the guidelines you had given her. You just have to call her up and explain to her that while you love her style, you are having a traditional style wedding and you need her to wear a dress or skirt that is more reflective of this. Now, if she fires back that she does not feel comfortable wearing anything except for pants, your options are either a) to allow her to do so, but pick out specific pantsuites for her to choose from that will match the formality/style of your wedding so that she understands what she will need to wear, or b) break it to her that if she does not feel that she would be comfortable in the dress code required for the bridal party, you will be honored to have her as a guest.

TheKnittingJedi · November 2010

I agree with the other posters that you gave pretty generous guidelines and specified a dress. Just review with her once more about your request for the ceremony attire and make sure she knows that she is free to choose her own shoes/accessories. I also think that giving her the option to wear her pants outfit for the reception is a good compromise. Good luck!

P.S. I love your username!

csousa1 · November 2010

I think you have every right to tell her that you don't like it - you did say "send me a pic for approval". She sent a pic, is isn't approved, simple as that. Also, I think I would be more upset about it being brown which was not one of the colors you delineated, and therefore I am guessing is not even in your wedding decor.

amanda2183 · November 2010

I would be worried that if you waited a bit to talk with her about her selection, she would think that you are approving and therefore get more upset a month or two down the road when you bring it up again. I would talk with her now so as to avoid any misconceptions about what you are asking of her.

Personally, I see no problems with BMs wearing pants, as long as the bride is okay with it. It seems that you have been very open and generous with what you have asked of your BMs. From what you said in your OP, she has worn dresses before, so it shouldn't be a problem for her to wear a dress for a couple of hours on your wedding day. I would do what many other people of suggested and simply say that while you love her individual style, this outfit does not seem appropriate or fitting for the atmosphere of your wedding and that you would like it if she could find a dress that would be more suiting.

jerseydevil · November 2010

I agree with PPs that hair color is irrelevant.

Talk to her sooner rather than later so that she is not under the impression that her outfit is fine, then you're the brat bc you "all of a sudden" changed your mind.

Pants are perfectly acceptable, if they are formal enough. ManyBM dress designers have pants lines. I wouldn't argue with her over the pants issue, personally.

The outfit you did describe sounds hideous to me and not church appropriate. THAT is how I would start the conversation and then suggest some pant sets for her that you do approve of in the colors you want. OR you can force them to be uncomfortable in a dress and you'll have to be more militant about it than you have been by picking one out for them. You know your friends better than ANY of us, so pick your battle wisely and talk to them openly as a FRIEND talking to a FRIEND not a BRIDE talking to her BMs!

DaughterOfHelaman2709 · November 2010

I was in a similar situation with my FBIL's girlfriend. I would suggest palazzo or gaucho pants, if she insists on the pants, and definitely a more modest top. Since your wedding is still about a year away, I am certain that their hair will grow out.

filaw · November 2010

I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to insist on a dress in one of the colors you specified. You have already been more generous than many would expect in giving them as much freedom as you did.

She wants to wear pants!

Re: She wants to wear pants!

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