In defense of the traditional head table . . .

missy41222 · April 2012

I've been around TK long enough to know that traditional head tables that do not include SOs are viewed by many people as a breach of etiquette.

I respect that viewpoint. I've stood up in weddings both where I have been seated next to my SO and where we have been separated. Overall, I preferred to be with my SO.

That being said, after much thought, I'm leaning toward having a traditional head table. Initially, i wanted a King's/Captain's table, but I think in my particular situation a head table makes some sense.

We have 4 BMs and 4 GM. All of the BMs are married. None of the GM would have a SO that would sit with them at the table (only one GM is married but his wife will have a newborn then and says she wouldn't feel comfortable at the head table). My FI thinks that a head table with SOs would look strange and rudely point out that his GM don't have dates. I don't really feel the same way as my FI, but I want to accommodate his feelings. Also, FI and I don't want a sweetheart table as we want to be surrounded by the WP.

I'm still a little unsure about our decision, but I'm wondering if anyone else is having a traditional head table and wants to share how they came to that decision.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

Oh FFS.

You do realize that a solid 95% of your reasoning is based on (a) appearances; and (b) what makes you and your FI - as opposed to your guests, who you're supposed to be hosting - comfortable, yes?

midgetthemighty · April 2012

We are because it's normal and expected in our circle. Our entire WP is perfectly fine with it.

aragx6 · April 2012

You won't even be around your wedding party long enough to be surrounded by as your FI wants and is imagining. You'll eat real quick and then do table visits. We're doing a sweetheart table -- after being a BM twice and having my Fi sit with strangers and my mom both times, there's no way I would consider anything else.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · April 2012

We had a "traditional" head table but yeah, that's pretty much because everyone around here does it that way and no one cares so it wasn't that big of a deal.

MattsPenguin · April 2012

I have been in one wedding with a SO where we had to sit at a head table. My husband is not very outgoing, and while he got to sit with people he knew, I know that he would have been much more comfortable sitting with me.

I understand wanting to be with your WP and not at a sweetheart table. That is why we did what I mentioned in the thread below. We sat with the two MOH's, the best man, and their significant others. Remember that you are not confined to your seat, especially as the bride and groom, so it doesn't matter much at all.

aragx6 · April 2012

Most of the weddings I've been to around here did the typical head table thing too. Just because everyone does it didn't make my FI less uncomfortable in that situation.

Not everyone will have a situation like that, but if you do have that kind of situation (as I would too because my MOH's FI knows no one else at the wedding), I hope you'll think about your dear friend and their loved one before yourselves.

lyndausvi · April 2012

I wish more brides would buck away from the tradition.

RYLZ · April 2012

I've been in 8 weddings. I've been made to sit solo at a head table in all but 1 because it's the norm in my circle. It sucks. It makes me want to decline invitations to be in future bridal parties because it's a drag. You don't want to sit apart from your groom, right? Head table with SOs, sure. Without them, outrageous.

Maggie0829 · April 2012

1) You won't be surounded by your WP because you will be sitting at a long table so the only people you will really be able to converse with is your groom and MOH because they will be sitting next to you.

2) So since your BMs are married and the GMs are not, you FI wants to punish the BMs because his friends are single? Yeah, that isn't rude or anything.

3) It baffles me that you already know what you are doing is rude by etiquette standards but you are trying to make an agrument as to why your situation is special. It isn't.

Here is an option for you. You and your groom can sit with your MOH and her SO and his BM and his SO. Then let the rest of your WP sit with their SOs and/or friends so everyone is comfortable and has a good time.

MattsPenguin · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:d2d0b1b7-921a-486e-8190-e5a8b5de9a1c">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of the weddings I've been to around here did the typical head table thing too. Just because everyone does <strong>it didn't make my FI less uncomfortable in that situation</strong>. Not everyone will have a situation like that, but if you do have that kind of situation (as I would too because my MOH's FI knows no one else at the wedding), I hope you'll think about your dear friend and their loved one before yourselves.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · April 2012

I did suggest a sweetheart table to my decorator, but she looked at me like I had two heads. And then my mom told me that was a dumb idea. So I just dropped it, lol.

myname1234 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:d89a562c-cc90-43f9-9c50-dd999679bdf2">In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been around TK long enough to know that traditional head tables that do not include SOs are viewed by many people as a breach of etiquette. I respect that viewpoint. I've stood up in weddings both where I have been seated next to my SO and where we have been separated. Overall, I preferred to be with my SO. That being said, after much thought, I'm leaning toward having a traditional head table. Initially, i wanted a King's/Captain's table, but<strong> I think in my particular situation a head table makes some sense.</strong> We have 4 BMs and 4 GM. All of the BMs are married. None of the GM would have a SO that would sit with them at the table (only one GM is married but his wife will have a newborn then and says she wouldn't feel comfortable at the head table). My FI thinks that a head table with SOs would look strange and rudely point out that his GM don't have dates. I don't really feel the same way as my FI, but I want to accommodate his feelings. Also, FI and I don't want a sweetheart table as we want to be surrounded by the WP. I'm still a little unsure about our decision, but I'm wondering if anyone else is having a traditional head table and wants to share how they came to that decision.
Posted by missy41222[/QUOTE]

no...it doesn't. Your situation isn't any different than the other 2 million brides that have some wedding party married and some wedding party single.

The logic of having them sit by you is selfish at best. As the good host of the wedding, you should be walking around and talking to your guests during this time (not sitting there, "surrounded by them"). That means you have left your wedding party on display, away from their dates, and now alone.

Kate61487 · April 2012

We had a traditional head table b/c it's the way the venue is set up. I tried to come up with a way around it, but there was just no feasible way that wouldn't look ridiculous - the venue had a raised platform at the edge of the dance floor - it's the focal point of the room. I wasn't comfortable with a sweetheart table sitting up all by itself on this giant platform, the platform wasn't big enough for BP + dates, leaving the platform empty would have been awkward and I couldn't come up with another use for it.

Thankfully, everyone in our WP who had dates the SO knew plenty of other guests and were able to be seated with people they knew well and were very comfortable with. We also made sure their SOs were seated pretty close to the head table, so they didn't feel like they were out in siberia. It wasn't ideal, but it worked.

ETA - also, just wanted to add that H's BM explicitly requested we have a head table, b/c he said he knew he was going to be nervous giving his speech and didn't want to have to walk up onto the platform to be standing by us, he wanted to already be next to H. That made me feel a tiny bit better about it.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:7324be2c-8fc7-443b-a05f-b845c2a21e25">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish more brides would buck away from the tradition.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Truth. "Everyone around here does it, so no one minds it." Gag..what a terrible defense (I have to spell that word while cheering it in my head) of something so annoying. B&G just got married. What better way to celebrate their love than by separating their nearest and dearest from THEIR loved ones. Makes total sense. Amiright?

ZombieNates · April 2012

Are the GMs not bringing dates? I'm just curious about that, not that it makes a difference to me.

Besides thinking head tables are rude, I view them the same way Eagles described--it seems like you're on a stage, eating in front of people, which just seems awkward to me. I also really enjoyed our sweetheart table because I wanted some time to just chat with my new husband and take everything in. I had so many people around me that day, that it was really nice to just be with him for a little while. And, come to think of it, people found it easier to come up to us and chat since it was just the two of us sitting down. I don't know if that helps, but it might be something you haven't considered.

wrigleyville · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:d89a562c-cc90-43f9-9c50-dd999679bdf2">In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been around TK long enough to know that traditional head tables that do not include SOs are viewed by many people as a breach of etiquette. I respect that viewpoint. I've stood up in weddings both where I have been seated next to my SO and where we have been separated. Overall, I preferred to be with my SO. That being said, after much thought, I'm leaning toward having a traditional head table. Initially, i wanted a King's/Captain's table, but I think in my particular situation a head table makes some sense. We have 4 BMs and 4 GM. All of the BMs are married. None of the GM would have a SO that would sit with them at the table (only one GM is married but his wife will have a newborn then and says she wouldn't feel comfortable at the head table).<strong> My FI thinks that a head table with SOs would look strange and rudely point out that his GM don't have dates.</strong> I don't really feel the same way as my FI, but I want to accommodate his feelings. Also, FI and I don't want a sweetheart table as we want to be surrounded by the WP. I'm still a little unsure about our decision, but I'm wondering if anyone else is having a traditional head table and wants to share how they came to that decision.
Posted by missy41222[/QUOTE]
The GMs are big boys. They won't cry if they notice they're the single ones at the head table. This is the same stupid reasoning that my friends gave me for going to movies without me when I was single ("we thought you'd feel bad around a bunch of couples because you're single").

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:5f69a128-a42c-45ea-928f-25c7e9b01cc6">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]We're having a sweetheart table and seating our WP in with the regular people, but a lot of people think this is weird because in my family and for most of our friends, head tables are the norm. They're frowned upon by etiquette but don't bug me personally and I've sat at many a head table without my date. <strong>I just don't like the feeling of eating on stage.</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.</div><div>
</div><div>We're having a sweetheart table.</div><div>
</div><div>I still haven't decided wether or not I want to do a seating chart. I think I'll wait to see how many RSVPs I get.</div>

MattsPenguin · April 2012

Wrigley - that is so lame of your friend.

Won't your GM's like to announce that they are single? I mean, I hear that wedding hook-ups are pretty popular.

mldelacerda79 · April 2012

We are having a large main table. It will include us and the wedding party and the so's. I wouldn't want to sit away from my spouse. It is your wedding though and your choice.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:1ee711d5-15a1-47a2-bb9b-25c974b63dd4">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]Wrigley - that is so lame of your friend. <strong>Won't your GM's like to announce that they are single? I mean, I hear that wedding hook-ups are pretty popular.</strong>
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>And that comment makes me think of.....</div><div>
<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/11/4/7b661a00-a4f0-43ed-b469-14a01da52d95.large.png" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/11/4/7b661a00-a4f0-43ed-b469-14a01da52d95.medium.png" alt="" /></a>

</div>

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

I wish people would stop saying "traditional head table". It's not like this is some long standing tradition.

ahhhitsshannyn · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:e4e09c95-225d-40d8-925c-c65806bfee7a">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been in 8 weddings. I've been made to sit solo at a head table in all but 1 because it's the norm in my circle. It sucks. It makes me want to decline invitations to be in future bridal parties because it's a drag. <strong>You don't want to sit apart from your groom, right?</strong> Head table with SOs, sure. Without them, outrageous.
Posted by bezlu[/QUOTE]

Exactly. It's just so weird to me that any couples would be separated. I'd never even heard of this until TK.

MattsPenguin · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_in-defense-of-the-traditional-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d60adb-a5e2-41bf-8d46-84b714e576d7Post:289bd177-d66b-457b-a12d-044a390175ca">Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . .</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In defense of the traditional head table . . . : And that comment makes me think of.....
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

Oh Howard . . . such a ladies man! I want to know where he gets his collection of skinny corduroy pants. Such a variety of colors.

egm900 · April 2012

We're sitting at a regular round table on the floor, like all the other guests, with either a few WP members or family. Our venue has a staged area for a head table, but I don't like people watching me eat, so we're either putting the cake up there or the musicians. With a traditional head table, you only speak to the people sitting on either side of you, which in the case of the WP, is likely people who are good friends with you, but perhaps not so much with each other, and have already had to spend a lot of time together, and will likely be lagging on conversation, speaking from personal experience...

Meegles4 · April 2012

I don't know why, but the whole head table debate has really gotten under my skin the past few months, and it's become one of my biggest wedding pet peeves.

Let your WP sit with their dates. I don't care if you do a head table (and have the dates sit there) or a captain's table or a sweetheart table or nothing at all. Just let them sit with their dates. I don't care if you sit on a stage or hang from the rafters, just let the dates do it too.

You would never split up a regular wedding guest from their SO, why in the heck would you split up your WP from their SOs? Especially when, presumably, your WP are some of your most important and loved guests at your wedding.

Also, I consider a captain's table a head table. I consider anything where the bride and groom sit a "head table". But I could just be weird like that.

/end rant

PS - OP, your FI's reasoning is kinda weird, but I guess I can see how he would think the head table would look weird with dates on one side, but not the other. So in your case, I'd opt for a sweetheart or captain's table. Both of those options still allow dates to sit with your ladies, but don't call out the fact that the men don't have dates.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

My mom wanted a head table. I wanted a sweetheart-ish. We're compromising by having a little sweetheart with two regular rounds next to it- like mickey mouse with giant ears. The GM and dates will be on one side, the BMs and dates on the other. That way, they're right there with us, and we don't have to separate them from their dates.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

Would you consider a modified sweetheart table with the two of you and your parents or your BM & MOH with dates? You can have the WP sit together at teh tables closest to you.

Meegles4 · April 2012

OP, I'm re-reading your post and you say initially you wanted a captain's table. Yet, you think a traditional head table would work best. I'm curious as to how you've come to that logic, especially given your FI's concerns with the traditional version. I think a captain's table would work nicely in your situation...and would go with what you initially wanted.

I have to say, I feel like you say you're defending the traditional head table, but you really
don't WANT it. I think you know what's right here.

RebeccaB88 · April 2012

Why aren't you letting your single WP members bring dates anyway? Don't we usually advocate that?

aurianna · April 2012

So I went to a wedding once where my now-husband was the best man (it was his brother's wedding). There was no seating chart, per se. Instead the tables at the front were labled "reserved" (even though they didn't say who they were reserved for) and the rest of the room was open seating.

Hubby sat at the head table. I sat with hubby's parents and then some random people in my sister-in-law's family since no one really knew who was supposed to sit in the front tables.

AWKWARD.

And I was just in a wedding this month where until a month prior, the bride was going to do a head table. I was so sad for my hubby because the only people he knew were in the wedding party. Thankfully bride changed her mind last minute, and we had a very enjoyable time sitting together.

Unless you know for a fact the bridesmaids' dates have lots of friends and such you can sit them with... considering giving up on "tradition".

In defense of the traditional head table . . .

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