Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??

surrogate2436 · April 2011

My husband and I had a small wedding with just our parents present (and our 2 month old son) next to a lake. Everyone knows we are married. We live in our first home, and have two beautiful children.

When I think about our wedding, it was very special and wonderful and lovely. However, there is something missing. The walking down the aisle, The reception with all our family and friends, the wedding dress I dreamed of since I was a little girl...and the list goes on.

So I am wondering, if when we are married for 7-8 yrs....if it would be ok/appropriate to have a renewal of our vows ceremony, and treat everything as a wedding so we too could have that special planned out wedding day we had always dreamed of?

I think its important to note that we wont be wanting gifts of any kind, and I am wondering also if mentioning that on the invitations in a certain way, would maybe relax people on the idea?

Please let me know all of your thoughts/opinions!

Thanks!! x

Habs2Hart · April 2011

No, it's not okay. You are married, you don't get to marry the same person twice unless you get divorced in between.

You can have a vow renewal, but you won't wear the big puffy white dress and have your big PPD. You don't do the traditional "wedding" stuff.

andy71781 · April 2011

You only get one wedding - and it sounds like you did that already. So...to have another wedding 7 years later would be silly. Why not just have a vow renewal and a party?

surrogate2436 · April 2011

just wanted to have a day we can cherish, and all the things i described... thank you for your thoughts.

georgia_bride09 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:b1c0f093-207f-4e27-addd-fbd230a8fc30">Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I had a small wedding with just our parents present (and our 2 month old son) next to a lake. Everyone knows we are married. We live in our first home, and have two beautiful children. When I think about our wedding, it was very special and wonderful and lovely. However, there is something missing. The walking down the aisle, The reception with all our family and friends, the wedding dress I dreamed of since I was a little girl...and the list goes on. So I am wondering, if when we are married for 7-8 yrs....if it would be ok/appropriate to have a renewal of our vows ceremony, and treat everything as a wedding so we too could have that special planned out wedding day we had always dreamed of? I think its important to note that we wont be wanting gifts of any kind, and I am wondering also if mentioning that on the invitations in a certain way, would maybe relax people on the idea? Please let me know all of your thoughts/opinions! Thanks!! x
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

You already had your wedding.

You can have a vow renewal in 8 years, but people will probably side-eye you, gifts or not. Plus, you have two kids. How about just move on and enjoy your life together instead of dwelling on one day that already happened, like it or not?

cengle · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:a44dadea-3250-4ad7-86ac-7765de01c26e">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]just wanted to have a day we can cherish, and all the things i described... thank you for your thoughts.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

But, don't you cherish the day you had? Why would wearing a big puffy dress make the day more special? I'm not trying to be bitchy here, I really, truly just don't understand the thinking that your wedding is less "special" because it wasn't a huge party with a big dress and an overpriced cake.

louisvillebride21 · April 2011

Did you actually READ her post? Or just the title? She said

"if it would be ok/appropriate to have a renewal of our vows "

OP, as longa s you do in fact call it a renewal of vows, it's perfectly acceptable. However, 7-8 years is a little arbitrary. Why not wait until 10 years? That makes a little more sense. And please, no mention of gifts on the invites. That makes it sound like they are expected to bring something (which they are not) and you are now releasing them of that duty.

Kate61487 · April 2011

You can certainly have a vow renewal and party; you just don't want to make it too wedding-y. The big white dress is taking it a little too far, IMO. But if you keep it tasteful; classy white cocktail dress, for example, you can certainly still have a lovely vow-renewal ceremony and celebrate after with your friends.

I might wait til the 10 year mark though, just because it seems a little more logical then an 8-yr vow renewal...

cengle · April 2011

I did read it, and perhaps this is flameworthy, but I don't really get vow renewals either. Your vows don't expire; there's no need to renew them. I mean, I think it's cute when those who have been married 50 years do it, or it makes sense if a couple has gone through a separation or something.

Why not just have a big anniversary party? Those are acceptable at any anniversary, IMO, if that's something you want to do.

louisvillebride21 · April 2011

I don't get them either. I didn't want the one wedding I had. But they are totally etiquette correct if done in the right way.

adamar15 · April 2011

You're in my head today, Cengle. I was just thinking a minute ago that I only kind of get vow renewals when it's for 50 or some other really big number. Also, ditto on the anniversary party.

kcscejal · April 2011

I don't get vow renewals. At all. Maybe for a huge anniversary like 50 years, but other than that I just find them to be silly. Cherish your actual wedding day. It's the day you committed to spend the rest of your life with your husband. It's that promise that makes the day worth cherishing, not the party or the big, white dress.

surrogate2436 · April 2011

i guess i didnt word that correctly...i do cherish it...but it makes us sad that we couldnt afford much at the time...and that no one else could share in the excitement. it was like it never really happened... no honeymoon...

guess that shouldnt be important....maybe im just superficial.

i will probably pass on the whole thing based on all of your comments/opinions. thats why i posted it here. thanks again.

andy71781 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:71b5f3a8-7b7c-4aaa-ab67-3d6a83d78d08">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you actually READ her post? Or just the title? She said "if it would be ok/appropriate to have a renewal of our vows " OP, as longa s you do in fact call it a renewal of vows, it's perfectly acceptable. However, 7-8 years is a little arbitrary. Why not wait until 10 years? That makes a little more sense. And please, no mention of gifts on the invites. That makes it sound like they are expected to bring something (which they are not) and you are now releasing them of that duty.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

I read it...it sounded very wedding-ing. So that is why I told her she should have a vow renewal party..not a wedding reception.

emilyinchile · April 2011

Etiquette-wise, yes, you can have a vow renewal. However, I would think a full-on wedding dress for a vow renewal was weird, to be honest. A white sheath or cocktail dress would seem more appropriate, so if the important thing is the big dress then I think you'll have to really consider whether you mind people giving you a little side-eye over it. If you just want to walk down the aisle and then have a party though, that's fine.

Don't mention gifts at all on the invitation, even if it's to say no gifts.

mica178 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:2005e392-ac1f-4736-bf07-4066e4eba018">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i didnt word that correctly...i do cherish it...but it makes us sad that we couldnt afford much at the time...and that no one else could share in the excitement.<strong> it was like it never really happened... no honeymoon...</strong> guess that shouldnt be important....maybe im just superficial. i will probably pass on the whole thing based on all of your comments/opinions. thats why i posted it here. thanks again.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

This is weird to me. It did happen. You're married.

Vow renewals are nice, but they're not going to be as exciting because everyone knows that you're married. They're really just parties.

I'd suggest that you take a late honeymoon with your H when you can. My parents eloped, but they take at least one decadent trip every decade, just the two of them (even when we were kids). You can do that.

cengle · April 2011

OP: There are proper ways of celebrating your marriage at this point. I personally just feel like trying to do a "wedding re-do" is silly. And honestly, very few people are going to be as excited for you at a vow renewal as they would be at the actual wedding. That's just the nature of the beast.

BUT-if you want to celebrate your marriage, do it! I always love parties, throwing them or going to them, so I think having a big anniversary party would be awesome.

surrogate2436 · April 2011

we could have...but whats done is done.

i am 22 and he is 23...been married for 2 years.

i was just wondering...it seems as though my question struck some upset. didnt mean to offend or sound selfish.

i will get over it im sure.

FutureJilliannD · April 2011

How about this? You said you didn't have a honeymoon. Why don't you go on a fab vacation and have a little ceremony on the beach in a nice dress?

I am not a fan of vow renewals. I think they are kind of stupid, unless they are done for a huge anniversary, like the 50th. I doubt I would attend a 10 year vow renewal.

cengle · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:68b5fc03-207d-49f7-9dff-e294835eb38d">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>How about this? You said you didn't have a honeymoon. Why don't you go on a fab vacation and have a little ceremony on the beach in a nice dress?</strong> I am not a fan of vow renewals. I think they are kind of stupid, unless they are done for a huge anniversary, like the 50th. I doubt I would attend a 10 year vow renewal.
Posted by FutureJilliannD[/QUOTE]

This is a fabulous idea. While I would never want to have another wedding, I would do a honeymoon over and over and over again if I could!

georgia_bride09 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:f692d202-10f4-4923-be69-37aa19cd9a9f">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]we could have...but whats done is done. i am 22 and he is 23...been married for 2 years. i was just wondering...it seems as though my question struck some upset. didnt mean to offend or sound selfish. i will get over it im sure.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

The vibe here is just "once you're married, you're married, no matter what kind of wedding you had". I wish that was the vibe everywhere, but that isn't the case.

Personally, I'd rather go on an awesome vacation and call it my late honeymoon than save all that money up for a vow renewal party 10 years in.

ahhhitsshannyn · April 2011

I did not have a honeymoon and you better bet I am still married. Please, enjoy your married life and your children and do not dote on the past. You guys are still married, it did happen, you do not need a big white dress and a cake to have a valid marriage.

I agree with taking a vacation with just the two of you. You obviously need some time to spend together to really ignite the joys of being married.

cengle · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:a9e068d1-8ae1-4aa7-9bba-6fea68e7a2aa">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE] I agree with taking a vacation with just the two of you. You obviously need some time to spend together to really<strong> ignite the joys of being married</strong>.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

Did you mean this to sound dirty? Or am I just dirty-minded that I took it that way? ;)

Avion22 · April 2011

I'm definitely in the minority here. Ettiquette-wise, a vow renewal is fine. Everyone knows you are married.

As far as how your friends and famiy will view a vow-renewal ceremony, and accompanying party.....well, that's something we can't tell you. In some families and circles of friends, this isn't a big deal. They want to see you in a white dress as much as you want to wear one. In other circles, people might think you want attention.

I know that you feel like you want to have a "real" wedding -- I put that in quotes, because the truth is that what you had WAS a real wedding. Sure, it wasn't your dream wedding, but it was very real. For a lot of brides, thati s all they want, or that is all they will ever be able to afford. To suggest that a small wedding isn't "real" can be a little offensive. I know you didn't mean to offend....but some people on here take it that way.

Having said that, don't let the opinions of several people you don't know dictate your decision. You know your friends and family best, not us.

impslave · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:f692d202-10f4-4923-be69-37aa19cd9a9f">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]we could have...but whats done is done. i am 22 and he is 23...<strong>been married for 2 years.</strong> i was just wondering...it seems as though my question struck some upset. didnt mean to offend or sound selfish. i will get over it im sure.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>There's nothing stopping you from having a honeymoon now or in the future. H and I waited for our first anniversary to take our trip. Don't fret over not having had the "industry standard" wedding. Enjoy being married and having a family.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

cbratthauer · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:2005e392-ac1f-4736-bf07-4066e4eba018">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i didnt word that correctly...i do cherish it...but it makes us sad that we couldnt afford much at the time...and that no one else could share in the excitement. it was like it never really happened... no honeymoon... guess that shouldnt be important....maybe im just superficial. i will probably pass on the whole thing based on all of your comments/opinions. thats why i posted it here. thanks again.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

Here is how I feel, I think that it would be absolutely lovely if you wanted to renew your vows and invite your friends and family so you can finally have the special day you always dreamed of! It doesn't mean that your original wedding was not special to you, it just means that you want to include the ones you love in a special day as well!!! Maybe the big "puffy" wedding dress could be substituted with a beautiful long white wedding gown so it feels more like a renewal, and you don't have to go crazy with a reception, but instead have a party afterwards with some hor's dourves and cake or something. But there is nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to show everybody that you two still love eachother and your families/friends as well! IMO you should do what YOU two want to do NOT what other people claim to be proper etiquette, etc.

ahhhitsshannyn · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:d52e4af6-ebfc-4d17-b6e3-688bee1c8b4d">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday?? : Did you mean this to sound dirty? Or am I just dirty-minded that I took it that way? ;)
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

hehehe... maybe I meant it that way ;)

adamar15 · April 2011

Oh, cbratt. Again, saying "screw etiquette" on the etiquette board is just silly.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:a44dadea-3250-4ad7-86ac-7765de01c26e">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]just wanted to have a day we can cherish, and all the things i described... thank you for your thoughts.
Posted by surrogate2436[/QUOTE]

I personally don't think I'd cherish an unecessary and expensive party for no reason over the day my husband and I said our vows. Nor would I want to drag other people into a "wedding" that wasn't an actual wedding. What for? But that's just me.

I also think that with 2 kids, in 7-8 years you'll likely find plenty you'd rather spend the money on that a white satin dress and huge dinner/bar bill.

kelsey+brandon · April 2011

Sorry to bring in reality TV, but this reminds me of when Ramona renewed her vows for some random wedding anniversary...and everyone thought it was really odd. She invited tons of people, had a white dress and a big entrance. Even her daughter thought it was dumb. If you have a vow renewal, at least have it for a big anniversary like 10 or 20 years, not a random 6 or 7.

I'm sorry you didn't get your day with your actual wedding, but maybe for your 10 year anniversary you can still get a nice dress (not big and poofy) and throw a big party. You can even have a small vow renewal ceremony.

Maggie0829 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-marriedcan-large-wedding-someday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:537ed51e-d5f6-406c-baf5-c361c37f1ac7Post:deff4358-e000-43c8-adcb-72318120c0ef">Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married...Can we have a large wedding someday?? : Here is how I feel, I think that it would be absolutely lovely if you wanted to renew your vows and invite your friends and family so you can finally have the special day you always dreamed of! It doesn't mean that your original wedding was not special to you, it just means that you want to include the ones you love in a special day as well!!! Maybe the big "puffy" wedding dress could be substituted with a beautiful long white wedding gown so it feels more like a renewal, and you don't have to go crazy with a reception, but instead have a party afterwards with some hor's dourves and cake or something. But there is nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to show everybody that you two still love eachother and your families/friends as well! <strong>IMO you should do what YOU two want to do NOT what other people claim to be proper etiquette, etc.
</strong>Posted by cbratthauer[/QUOTE]

I agree completely with this poster. Do not let others opinions deter you from what you would like to do. I do not believe having a vow renewal and party is poor etiquette. It is not like you had a large wedding and then are turning around 8-10 years down the road and doing it again. I think sharing your love with all of your friends and family this time around would be a wonderful thing!

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