Parents Don't Approve

stephanieslobo · April 2011

My parents don't approve of my fiance and have put harsh wedding guidelines on us and if we don't follow they won't pay. We are 22 and 23 and not wealthy by any means!! We want to get a house too so we can't afford it, I feel helpless to do their requests , and have the weddingn they want and not the wedding for me and my soon to be husband. NOt sure how to approach this or what to do? Has anyone else been there?

M&R7111 · April 2011

I would have a longer engagement so I could save for the wedding I wanted (as well as the house). As long as you are dependent on your parents for funds, they will have control over wedding decisions. Get out on your own first.

mm4662 · April 2011

You are still young. Can you guys save up for a few years and do the wedding and house?

NcsuPsych · April 2011

Ditto what PP said. Either Save up and have the wedding you want first or save up and get a house.

Another option would be to JOP, but Im not sure if you'd want to do that.
I personally feel that while it's amazingly generous for parents / others to offer with the finances of big events such as weddings, and since they are paying, they do get a great deal of say-so. They shouldn't be making 'demands' and holding it against you if you choose otherwise.

I'm curious though, is it that they don't 'approve', or just want it their way. I'm not sure if I'm taking the word 'approve' in the terms that you're meaning.

When I read that someone doesnt 'approve', there's typically other reasons.

IMO, I'd decline the money from them and pay your own way.

AnnaKay12 · April 2011

It's unfortunate that your parents are putting conditions on you, but it's their money, so they have the control. If you want a wedding your way, you and FI should save up for it! Good luck with the wedding planning!

kmmssg · April 2011

It seems cruel to me that they are holding your wedding hostage. You do realize they are doing this so you won't go through with the wedding, right? You will regret your wedding for the rest of your life if you continue to allow them to do this.

Bigger picture - WHY are you allowing them to treat you this way? You are an adult and people can only get away with treating you badly if you let them. Is there some backstory here?

Exactly why do they not approve of your FI?

redheadfsu · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-dont-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:28dc2df1-ae87-4cbf-b403-f13e3b219aaaPost:1c0c848c-b6a1-4b12-a087-efaf64301f4d">Parents Don't Approve</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents don't approve of my fiance and have put harsh wedding guidelines on us and if we don't follow they won't pay. We are 22 and 23 and not wealthy by any means!! We want to get a house too so we can't afford it, I feel helpless to do their requests , and have the weddingn they want and not the wedding for me and my soon to be husband. NOt sure how to approach this or what to do? Has anyone else been there?
Posted by stephanieslobo[/QUOTE]

You want their money, then you have to follow their rules. There is nothing you can do/approach it differently. It is their money, so they have every right to make you jump through hoops to get it. No one owes you a wedding, so they are not being bad parents by attaching strings to the money. In fact, most parents use money to control (at least part of) the wedding.

However, I think if one wants to get married, then one should be enough of an adult to stand up to the parents. So if you don't like their rules, turn down the money & pay for your wedding yourself. Most couples pay for (at least part of) their own wedding, so you would be in the majority if you start saving.

theo&gretchen · April 2011

my mother is the same way!! she doesn't not approve of my FI. If we chose to have her help with the cost then we would have had certain guidelines. We chose to do it on our own. We had to make many cut backs. We are very happy with our decision. This way the wedding is ours. Not my mothers. the choice is yours and your FI. just make sure that it makes you two HAPPY that is the most important thing. Good luck with the planning.

MyNameIsNot · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-dont-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:28dc2df1-ae87-4cbf-b403-f13e3b219aaaPost:43157286-cec2-40ca-90ac-a7fc08fe4eab">Re: Parents Don't Approve</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Parents Don't Approve : You want their money, then you have to follow their rules. There is nothing you can do/approach it differently. It is their money, so they have every right to make you jump through hoops to get it. No one owes you a wedding, so they are not being bad parents by attaching strings to the money. In fact, most parents use money to control (at least part of) the wedding. However, I think if one wants to get married, then one should be enough of an adult to stand up to the parents. So if you don't like their rules, turn down the money & pay for your wedding yourself. Most couples pay for (at least part of) their own wedding, so you would be in the majority if you start saving.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Exactly what she said.</div><div>
</div><div>If you don't like the strings, pay for your own wedding. If you're mature enough to get married, you're mature enough to pay for your wedding.

</div>

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

Yes, save up to pay for your own wedding. Is it that they don't approve of your FI or you getting married at all or just that they want the wedding THEIR way?

Milsey32 · April 2011

I just want to know how your parents disapprove but are still willing to pay...

Like PPs said - save up and pay for it your own way. If you want to mention age, I'm 20 and FI's 23 and we're paying the majority of it-- it's going to be worth it in the end, though because it's what we want and not just going to the courthouse (which there's nothing wrong with, but it's not our style). We would love to get a house right away, but are saving to put a bigger deposit down in the future.

brittanyjterrell · April 2011

I agree. You want it your way then you have to pay. Me and my FI cut some of our funding because we decided to get married when WE wanted to and NOT when everyone else wanted us to and it's working out great, we are still getting the wedding we want even if we have to sacrifice going out as much as we used to and the constant shopping we used to do. It's a part of growing up, it may sound cruel but it's true

UnderAtree · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-dont-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:28dc2df1-ae87-4cbf-b403-f13e3b219aaaPost:39d7e233-cfdf-471f-96dd-4a5c01c59c2b">Re: Parents Don't Approve</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have a longer engagement so I could save for the wedding I wanted (as well as the house). As long as you are dependent on your parents for funds, they will have control over wedding decisions. Get out on your own first.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]
This.

Take the time to save up. You don't want to look back one day and regret that you never had the wedding of your dreams. Trust me on this one.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

I am also confused as to how your parents don't approve of your FI yet are willing to pay for the wedding. I agree with PP's though. You need to save up at least some of the money for the wedding, if not all of it. You may be able to split the cost with your parents if you agree with some of the "guidelines" and they are willing to pay for only the parts they approve of. It seems like a stretch in this situation, but it would be worth a try IMO.

Good luck.

SarahPLiz · April 2011

A marriage license is less than $100 at the courthouse. Seriously, that's all you need. If you don't want your parents to hang things over your head, assert your independence and do it all yourself. If you can't afford the marriage license, then you won't be able to afford a house. Sorry!

kmmssg · April 2011

I think her parents have offered to pay so they can use the wedding as a way to "punish" her - give her a wedding she will hate.

OTH - I absolutely agree with everyone that OP and FI need to back away from her parent's money and wait until they can pay for these things on their own.

Hellokatie0517 · April 2011

MUD? Seems to be a lot of that going around lately.

bluegrassbride11 · April 2011

Wow, makes me thankful I don't have to deal with this!

LincolnElizabethH · April 2011

My best friend got married at 22. Her dad hated her FI so much that he refused to walk her down the aisle or contribute a cent to her wedding! She was heart-broken but still went through with the wedding and had a great time! She and FI had a medium-sized wedding on a very small budget, but they made it work. Budget, save, budget, save! If you can't do it on your own then I agree with PP, you shouldn't be getting married. Or if being married is so important to you, go to City Hall.

AshleyWinnipeg · April 2011

I agree with everyone else here. I am 20 years old FI is 23 and we saved to be able to afford our home. We stopped going out all the time and put a certain % of each check into a savings account. It adds up quickly if you stick to it.

As for a wedding we will be paying for that on our own as well. Our parents offered help but we both love having our independence and feel that if we are old enough to get married then we are old enough to be able to save money and pay for it ourselves. We decided to have a longer engagement (we are getting married in September 2013) so we can save money so we can pay for it on our own and have exactly what we want for our special day.

I see it like this. Steve and I are going to be together forever anyway, so why rush into a wedding we can’t pay for? We would rather have time to save money and tons of time to plan and figure out what we want so we can enjoy the planning process with as little stress as possible.

EmilyW416 · April 2011

Just save, save and save. My parents adore my FI but they don't have alot of extra $ to spend on a wedding. Save up and make your wedding yours.

kaitlyn142 · April 2011

Agree with the others. Save and put the wedding on hold. I would have loved to have gotten married at your age, but we couldn't afford it, and we aren't willing to have the wedding his parents would have paid for. So, now we will be 27 when we get married, but it's financed 100% on our own.

jdrose5 · April 2011

Yep save up if you don't want to follow what they say. I was 19 and my late husband was 21 when we got married. My dad was willing to pay 100% but I felt that if I was old enough to get married I was old enough to pay for it myself. We had a simple yet elegant wedding. So it can be done. You just have to decide what is most important to you.

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