I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life

SereJane · April 2011

Please don't quote this because I might DD but I just had to talk to SOMEONE about this and I don't know who else I could talk to.

ETA: DD, thanks ladies for the support, I appreciate it!

[Deleted User] · April 2011

That really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through it. Honestly, I'd feel the same as you, especially about the lying part. I know it sounds like a cliched answer, but I'd suggest counseling for your FI for the possible addiction part (assuming it's that bad), and for both of you to be able to overcome that kind of breach in trust.

I don't know what I'd do outside of that, but I think it would be important to have your own bank account that he can't access so you aren't completely screwed if it got to that point.

ETA--I will say though that I think it's good he confessed. Hopefully that means he's willing to do something about it.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

Oh, Sere, I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have much good advice, but I definitely think he needs to seek some help if you or he think it might be an addicition problem. Even if he swears he will never do it again, it is better to get help too. I'd be feeling the same way you are right now. I don't think it is something that has to completely break your relationship, if you both really love each other. But again, that is probably something that you will figure out in the coming days or weeks.

I'm so sorry again that you have to go through this.

TheCranberry · April 2011

SereJane, I'm so sorry to hear this. Is your FI open to going to counseling? I think it would be beneficial to you both. It sounds like he has or maybe is bordering on a gambling addiction so he definitely needs to get treatment for that. I don't think you should make any definitive decisions right now since it's so fresh.

I assume that since he confessed he recognizes what a big deal this is. Did it seem like he was willing to work on himself and work on getting your trust back?

ETA: Even if he doesn't think he has a gambling addiction or problem, I suggest counselling. His behavior was totally unacceptable, and it would be beneficial to talk with a professional about how to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again. And also how you guys move on from here.

shaydenise · April 2011

Oh Sere, I'm so sorry.

I would be so angry and hurt as well, but it is a good sign that he actually told you and that he admitted it was wrong. Have you told him all the things you said above? I think the first step is sitting down and talking after you've had a day or so to process everything. It might even help to discuss it in your premarital counseling if you feel comfortable doing that.

I'm so sorry =(.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · April 2011

I would be so pissed I probably couldn't even see straight for a few days.

With that said, I am very proud of him that he came to you and confessed this. It sounds as though he is sincere and very remorseful, and ashamed that he hurt you this way.

With regard to your relationship assessment for your marriage counseling - my gosh, what better of an opportunity do you have right now than any other time to work through this with someone who is qualified to help you? If he truly is addicted to gambling, then I would also suggest some Gambler's Anonymous counseling (or something similar) as well, but because of the damage to your relationship, I think it wouldn't hurt to go through some extra marriage counseling sessions too.

Compulsive gambling is a very serious problem. A friend of mine left a boyfriend that she'd had for about three years because of his gambling issues. Get on this issue right now, and with the right people (counselors, therapists etc). He knows that what he's been up to is wrong and I believe he wants to fix what's been broken.

baystateapple · April 2011

Sere, I am so sorry.

Before H and I got married, he spent a LOT of time on gambling and gaming websites. It scared the CRAP out of me. I know he loves Texas Hold 'Em and that he's good at it, but I hate gambling, I hate the idea of losing money, and we didn't (still don't) have money to throw around like that. It took a lot of talking, counseling from outsiders, etc., to get us to the point where I know he's not sneaking around and playing on the sly, and I can trust him with our finances.

I would recommend counseling, both couples and individual. It takes time for two of you to heal, and also for you to trust again. I know that you can do it if you both have your heart set on fixing this. It will be okay. And please do PM me if you ever need to talk.

*HUGS*

cardmonsta · April 2011

I can't say it better than anyone else did. He should most certainly seek help for gambling addiction.

I'm so sorry, Sere. I don't know what else to say.

Bkseller13 · April 2011

That sucks, but as others have said, kudos to him for actually coming to you. I could see myself in his position entirely too easily. FI practically has to drag me out kicking and screaming. It's always, oh, wait, let me try once more. It really is a disease, I think. He needs help/counseling as do you. Be mad, it's justified. Good luck in getting this all sorted out. Best wishes and good juju vibes headed your way!

SarahPLiz · April 2011

Sere,I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but it is a good sign that he confessed. It means he wants help and is ready to get it. I suggest individual counseling for him at least, and relationship counseling for the 2 of you. It might be good for you to have your own counselor as well. I bet your clergy person can help you find someone.

Many vibes and hugs heading your way.

Celles · April 2011

Aw, Sere. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this! I honestly wouldn't do anything just yet. Give yourself some to time to process the news. You'll be better able to move forward if you wait until your emotions aren't quite so raw before making any significant decisions.

I've never been in this situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but there are a few things I think I might do:

1. Set some ground rules for complete financial transparency. If you have a shared bank account, make sure you both have access to view transactions online. Agree that any purchases over X amount need to be discussed and mutually agreed upon. Sit down together once a month and balance the checking and savings accounts. I know most people just watch their balances online these days -- I know I do -- but making this a task you do together may help increase your mutual accountability.

2. Look into Gambler's Anonymous. It sounds like your FI is truly sorry for his actions, but for some people gambling is an addiction like any other. If this is the case for your FI, then regret alone may not be enough of an impetuous to help him stop. Talking to people in similar situations and learning from their mistakes may help him, and take some of the burden of providing emotional support off of you. It is hard to support someone who has hurt you so deeply, no matter how much you love them.

3. Try to accept that while he did betray your trust, he also took the first step towards attempting to win it back by confessing the truth to you before you stumbled upon it on your own. What he did wasn't right, and coming clean certainly doesn't make it so! But if trust were truly and irrevocably broken, then he wouldn't have confided in you and you wouldn't have been able to forgive him. It will take time, but you can work through this.

4. Finally: couple's counseling. It may help you find the answers to some of those questions that you are re-asking yourself about your relationship.

Best of luck to you, Sere! And lots of e-hugs.

maratea · April 2011

Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think PPs gave some really great advice, so I don't have much to add except hang in there and I'm sending hugs and strength. You'll have a PM in a few minutes.

OutOfTheBlue612 · April 2011

I agree with what the other ladies have said. I would suggest definitely discussing this at your pre-marital counseling. When the counselor brings up the assessment, just be honest and explain how you answered one thing but feel differently now. I would also suggest some sort of gambling counseling, whether it be gamblers anonymous or something else. If he came to you in tears, that indicates that realizes he has a problem.

For the fiancial aspect of things, I would suggest a yours, mine, ours account set up for now at least. That way if he has a relapse there is only so much money he could use. Also, do either of you have any credit cards that you can take out cash advances on? Because the interest rates on that are ridiculous. If he ever did that for gambling, it could really mess things up. Just because he confesses doesn't mean he won't do it again, if he legitamately has a problem. But, he might not do it again. That's why I think counseling is imortant, to figure out the why and to figure out the extent of the problem.

Hugs.

jemmini6 · April 2011

I'm so sorry, but like PP's said, it's a good sign that he confessed and wants to fix it. You guys will get through this and it will make you a stronger couple! Good luck, we are always here if you need to talk about it. Hugs.

cupcakesfrosting · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ive-never-angry-betrayed-hurt-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5ec4b674-e42e-4c91-ab4e-5d7bf3ca1788Post:c9ffa0de-3193-4178-91dd-fe071ca3eb3a">Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw, Sere. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this! I honestly wouldn't do anything just yet. Give yourself some to time to process the news. You'll be better able to move forward if you wait until your emotions aren't quite so raw before making any significant decisions. I've never been in this situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but there are a few things I think I might do: 1. Set some ground rules for complete financial transparency. If you have a shared bank account, make sure you both have access to view transactions online. Agree that any purchases over X amount need to be discussed and mutually agreed upon. Sit down together once a month and balance the checking and savings accounts. I know most people just watch their balances online these days -- I know I do -- but making this a task you do together may help increase your mutual accountability. 2. Look into Gambler's Anonymous. It sounds like your FI is truly sorry for his actions, but for some people gambling is an addiction like any other. If this is the case for your FI, then regret alone may not be enough of an impetuous to help him stop. Talking to people in similar situations and learning from their mistakes may help him, and take some of the burden of providing emotional support off of you. It is hard to support someone who has hurt you so deeply, no matter how much you love them. 3. Try to accept that while he did betray your trust, he also took the first step towards attempting to win it back by confessing the truth to you before you stumbled upon it on your own. What he did wasn't right, and coming clean certainly doesn't make it so! But if trust were truly and irrevocably broken, then he wouldn't have confided in you and you wouldn't have been able to forgive him. It will take time, but you can work through this. 4. Finally: couple's counseling. It may help you find the answers to some of those questions that you are re-asking yourself about your relationship. Best of luck to you, Sere! And lots of e-hugs.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

This is great advice.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this Sere. Let me / us know if you need to talk, ok?

Denise91980 · April 2011

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is tough and I would be very upset as well. I think he needs to be commended for coming forward and being honest (even though it took some time). I would wait until you are calm and talk about him getting some help for himself, counseling and Gamblers Anonymous groups. Being a part of it would probably be helpful to him and your relationship. An addiction of any sort is tough so getting him the help he needs is important. You may want to look into Gam-Anon for yourself because it will be a good support system for yourself on how to handle the situation.

http://www.gam-anon.org/qas.htm

Best of luck to you both and you are in my T&Ps.

SereJane · April 2011

I did tell him yesterday that I am so glad he talked to me about it. I know it must have been really difficult for him to do that because he knew that it was a big deal. And he did say that he understands that I can't trust him now. He put all the spending on a credit card that we'll now have to pay off. But he offered to give me the card to freeze and keep away from him. right now our finances are all together in one account but I still have an account at another bank that I keep a low balance in. I think I will suggest that I move all of our savings into that account so he can't access it just in case.
I don't know if I'd be comfortable with bringing it up at our premarital counseling because I am pretty close to the pastor (his daughter is my best friend) but we do have a free counselor at our university that I would be comfortable talking to and hopefully so would FI. I think I'll let him know that I need him to get help even if he thinks being sorry is enough to stop him from doing it again.

Baystate-that is exactly how I feel about gambling. It just scares me. I think it's irresponsible.

Thank you so much for the support everyone. I really can't express how much it means to me.

Brandiewine11 · April 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think its very positive that he told you about this before you found out another way, but definitely go to counseling. Even if he thinks he can stop on his own, he might not be able to. And couples counseling would be a good idea too. T's & P's your way. I hope you are able to get to a better place soon!!

SereJane · April 2011

And yeah, it was yesterday when he told me but I've been taking some processing time for the past day and don't want to rush into a discussion before I really know how I feel and what I need.

Blueyed228 · April 2011

SOrry to hear you are going through this. Gambling addiction is serious and its good that he told you and hopefully he gets some help.

I would be taking control over all finances for the time being if I was you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2011

I would really try to get him into counseling. It seems like he's admitting to a problem. I'd treat gambling addiction the way I would treat alcoholism - it's a disease, he needs help, he didn't do it to intentionally screw you over. I know if must be really hard, and I'm sorry, but I think if you support his efforts to get help you can work through this together.

kimheartsscott · April 2011

Sere, YGPM.

SereJane · April 2011

Kim, Koda, and Mara: you all have PMs!

SereJane · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ive-never-angry-betrayed-hurt-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5ec4b674-e42e-4c91-ab4e-5d7bf3ca1788Post:dfe05556-af47-417b-ac55-5d91c2c37184">Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life</a>:
[QUOTE]I would really try to get him into counseling. It seems like he's admitting to a problem. I'd treat gambling addiction the way I would treat alcoholism - <strong>it's a disease, he needs help, he didn't do it to intentionally screw you ove</strong>r. I know if must be really hard, and I'm sorry, but I think if you support his efforts to get help you can work through this together.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

And that's honestly what's kind of been keeping me going and wanting to work through it, because I know it's not like he was thinking "Hey how can I screw her over." He feels ashamed and disappointed in himself so I know he's remorseful and needs to get help.

ConKFA319 · April 2011

I really have nothing new to add, since I think everyone else said exactly what I would say. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I agree that it's a good sign that he came to you about it. I'm sending you lots of love, and if you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me. ((hugs))

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ive-never-angry-betrayed-hurt-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5ec4b674-e42e-4c91-ab4e-5d7bf3ca1788Post:e2e158bd-b147-4c77-a5d4-33eb3f31553c">Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life : And that's honestly what's kind of been keeping me going and wanting to work through it, because I know it's not like he was thinking "Hey how can I screw her over." He feels ashamed and disappointed in himself so I know he's remorseful and needs to get help.
Posted by SereJane[/QUOTE]

It's a really good sign he 'fessed up. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but good luck.

Denise91980 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_ive-never-angry-betrayed-hurt-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5ec4b674-e42e-4c91-ab4e-5d7bf3ca1788Post:e2e158bd-b147-4c77-a5d4-33eb3f31553c">Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life : And that's honestly what's kind of been keeping me going and wanting to work through it, because I know it's not like he was thinking "Hey how can I screw her over." He feels ashamed and disappointed in himself so I know he's remorseful and needs to get help.
Posted by SereJane[/QUOTE]

Exactly! And the fact that he came to you and told you is huge. He obviously feels comfortable enough, like you wouldn't totally reject him if he told you. That says a lot about the importance of you and your relationship to him.

SereJane · April 2011

Yeah I'm really glad he told me now, too, instead of right before we get married or even after. I can't deny that I am incredibly angry with him right now but I am so thankful that he confessed and seems to be willing to get help and do things differently.

ricksang · April 2011

Aww Sere I am sorry. I am glad you forgave him. Addictions are rough. I won't repeat everything everyone already said. Hugs to you!

mmancin · April 2011

Ditto PPs. I think it takes a lot of courage for him to come to you with this.

I was in a similar situation (not a gambling addiction, but ex-bf with money issues), and I found out by being served with papers because his credit card company was suing him.

brilibby4 · April 2011

I'm late but wanted to say I'm really sorry! I also agree with PPs that the fact that he confessed on his own is a good sign. I hope everything works out!

I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life

Re: I've never been more angry, betrayed or hurt in my life

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