Catholic Weddings

Advice, or a swift kick, both are welcome

I'm doing this half for advice and half for a vent. I'm not angry, just really frustrated. So, my home church that I've had every other sacrament is will charge $2000 for use of the church and the organ. Okay, I can deal with that, either through budget or kiss it goodbye and get married in my Mom's hometown where the priest who has known my Mom since she left for college won't charge us anything (obviously there would be a sum given to the church, but it's not a mandatory thing). So I don't have a wedding location yet. So, no date. I've been engaged since July and I'm just so ready to do this thing, but I feel so stuck because I can't pick a date because neither priest will even talk to me until we start pre-Cana. Which is totally understandable, and I would love to start now.

Here's what's up with that. We just moved to Texas (FI is military) from FL, and I moved there in August, so we've been either apart or moving a lot. We didn't start pre-Cana in FL because for a while FI's job was really tenuous, but all is good now, hence the change of duty station. But, now FI is going temporary duty to Virginia for 4 months. Meaning we will be trying to do pre-Cana with him in Virginia, me in Texas, and the wedding in MS, and we'd really like to be married by this fall (shooting for October). I know that you can plan a wedding between May and October, but it seems like a real crapshoot to get everything done and get a spot at a church in that period of time. He finally got someone in the chaplain's office today (we thought it would be easier to do pre-Cana through the Catholic chaplain here because then he could coordinate with the chaplain in Virginia and everything might go a little smoother) and the chaplain is deployed and the new chaplain isn't here yet. FI leaves here Friday. So we will have no idea what's up with that until after he leaves, and it's difficult for me to get on base without a pass.

So, should I try to talk to the priest at the church I've started going to here (have literally been here one Sunday, so one Mass in) and talk to him about coordinating our pre-Cana, should I wait for the new chaplain or his secretary to call FI, or should he start trying to talk to the Virginia chaplain? Or should I just sit here and pull my hair out? My Mom is really leery of starting to do anything before we can set up the pre-Cana, and we obviously can't start talking seriously with vendors until we have a church booked.
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Re: Advice, or a swift kick, both are welcome

  • AmandaSC1988AmandaSC1988 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited January 2012
    I find it hard to understand that the Priest won’t talk to you without you starting Pre-Cana. That normally is the first step….meeting with the Priest.  And not allowing you to pick a date is a bit ridiculous. I can’t remember, is your FI Catholic? That can make the hoops a little harder to jump through, but shouldn’t be impossible.  

    We had a similar problem. FI in FL and me here, but our priest worked with us to get everything situated. We had several options for Pre-Cana: (1) The traditional 6 (or so) weeks with a sponsor couple, (2) online Pre-Cana (Most of the dioceses accept this form of Pre-Cana. With connections in TX, VA, or MS one of them is bound to work with you.  (3) Meet a couple times with the priest for several hours at a time. We chose the last option, but that was our priest bending over backwards to help us. Haha. I would talk to any priest that you feel you could approach, we talked with 3, and they were all willing to help us in any way they could. I guess that is why I am a little bit confused why the priests are being so unhelpful for you guys!
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  • Do the priests know that your FI is in the military? Or better yet, do they understand the lack of control over situations that comes with being in the military? I had a similar, though not as complicated, situation. My H and I got married in our hometown, but he had reported to his duty station and then left for tech school where he was not allowed to take leave. My priest was reluctant to meet with me at first until I explained that there was no possible way for H to be there until the week of the wedding, whenever it was. Then he finally agreed to meet with just me to address the Pre-Cana concerns. I ended up flying to TX and we did a weekend marriage prep course. Once he knew the circumstances our priest was fine with anything as long as we completed some kind of Church approved course and showed him the certificate.

    I guess advice to you is talk to the priests again and explain your situation and explain that your FI can't be there, but you want to work out Pre-Cana. There are options. If either priest still won't work with you, have your FI contact the chaplain in VA. I'm sure they deal with this stuff all the time. He could then call the priests and hopefully work something out with them.

    Don't pull your hair out! It will work out somehow.
    Anniversary
  • Aren't there single-weekend pre-Canas? Will it satisfy a priest if you've registered for a weekend? Does your future husband's schedule allow you to do that?
  • Thanks. I think part of it is that we need to commit to one specific place for the wedding, then we'll just be dealing with one priest in MS. The priest in my hometown will talk to us, but it's a matter of if we want to try to have a wedding there and spend the money. The priest in my Mom's hometown, he's a bit older, is the one who doesn't want to talk any sort of date or anything until we've enrolled. So that's on us, and our families, a decision we just have to make and go with.

    He's going to get in touch with the VA chaplain once he gets there, and I'm hoping that the priest at my church here can coordinate with him. I am Catholic, but he isn't, and probably won't convert before the wedding, so I feel like it's more my responsibility on the Catholic side, but his on the military side. I am hoping that if we make a commitment to it, even if we couldn't do the weekend until he got back (he'll be gone til May, and I don't think we'll spend the money for me to fly out there) that we could move along with the understanding of what's happening. I feel better today.
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  • Bless your heart, what a lot of things to try to juggle. It's challenging enough trying to plan a wedding, much less from far away and all the moving around. I would echo the PPs' suggestions to talk to the priest, at  the church where you feel most comfortable, and explain the situation. Seems a litlte bit of flexibility on their part might be forthcoming? Anyway - we'll pray that it all gets worked out.

    In the meantime, hugs...

    Linda
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  • Try to decide which church you want to get married in.  Then try to work out all the logistics with the priest.  Get the chaplain in VA involved for back up if you need.  I'm sure when the priest realizes all of the issues you are expieriences with your FI's service, hopefully he will become more accomodating to your situation.  Most churches won't let you pick a date without meeting with the priest first.  This was my case and I remember a few other ladies on this board had the same thing happen.
  • I am also taken back at the fact that your Priest won't talk to you before you go to Pre-Cana.  We have had two meetings with ours before we went to Pre-Cana.  The first meeting is when we picked our date and found out all the necessary documents to be married such as batismal certificate (for me since I am not Catholic and a part of the church).  Letters from each of our parents saying we have never been married before.  Than we had to give some information involving our religion and family backgrounds.

    Anyway, my friend who grew up down the street with me are in a similar situation (we are getting married the same day too!) Her FI is in VA and she is finishing up college in PA, because of this their church and Priest said they don't have to do any type of Pre-Cana!  This sort of surprised me but just shows they are willing to make consessions for extenuating circumstances.  

    Also you may have better luck and brides who are more knowledgable and in the same boat if you post under the forum of Military Brides
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime"
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