Wedding date?

nraymond1 · July 2012

So this'll be my second marriage after my first husband died a year ago. I've been with my FI for 5 months. Sound fast enough? Oh yeah, we're expecting a baby, I'm 11 weeks.

So I'm trying to work out timing. Is it crazy to rush and have the wedding this summer or fall (we want it outside to accomodate more people) or is it better to wait until next spring or summer when I'll have had the baby?

I'm really worried about people looking at it as a shotgun wedding or as rushing after my husband's death. I know I can't control that but this seems like it's important in at least toning that opinion down.

Thoughts?

ksmakal · July 2012

Hi! I'm almost in the same boat. I'm 5 weeks, we conceived I think the night he proposed! LMAO We had set a date before I got the BFP and have been together for 3 years... We haven't told family yet becuase of the weird circumstances. CONGRATS on doing all the things! lol

ksmakal · July 2012

Hi! I'm almost in the same boat. I'm 5 weeks, we conceived I think the night he proposed! LMAO We had set a date before I got the BFP and have been together for 3 years... We haven't told family yet becuase of the weird circumstances. CONGRATS on doing all the things! lol

Avion22 · July 2012

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. Might other people judge? Sure, they might. But that shouldn't drive your decision-making. Personally, I think I would wait until after, just because a wedding and a baby are a LOT to plan for at the same time, and that's a lot of big life changes all at once. But if you think you'll feel more "settled" and ready for the baby if you've had the wedding already, then go for it. Like I said, it should be a decision ENTIRELY driven by what you and your fiance feel is right for the two of you.

Congrats and good luck:-)

Sue-n-Kevin · July 2012

I agree with Avion22, it should be what feels right to you. I'd probably wait until afterward. It's no big deal having a baby before marriage any longer, but then that's my personal opinion.

I had 2 kids without "virtue" of marriage, first one 25 years ago (baby daddy was engaged to someone else, I obviously did not know this), the second 17 years ago.........didn't marry that baby daddy either, LOL. We were together over 5 years after she was born, but then it didn't work out. In my case, especially with the second child, there were too many reasons NOT to marry him that I'm glad we didn't get married.

When you intend to stay with your baby's father, it may be a different story. However, I agree, it's really tough to be planning on having a baby and planning a wedding at the same time. If you think you are going to regret the "rush" to do this before the baby is born, and have a wedding that is less what you have wanted, you may be sorry.

This is really a personal decision between you and your fiance. Don't worry what others think, everyone has an opinion, but it's what you two think that matters.

Congrats to you both for your pregnancies!

20pearls16 · July 2012

Congrats. I got married the first time when my child was 2 years old. I felt compelled to get married because he was my daughter's father. We were married 13 years and together 18 years before we divorced. IMO I would wait. I would give myself a chance to grieve my late husband and enjoy my new baby before I got married. See if he is the right one for you inspite of having a baby. Good luck!

ciligirl · July 2012

I am also a widow. And the first thing I will tell you is DO NOT EVER let anyone tell you how to grieve. Only you know how you feel. My friend lost her husband shortly after I lost mine (I was 29 and she was 30 and they died 5 months apart) and she remarried with in a year of his death. So many people judged her. I met my FH (first man I dated ) 2 years after my husband died and people would say to me "Oh, you did the right thing", always referring back to my friends quick wedding. And I would say, "Really, and you have buried how many husbands?" If death has taught me anything it is that life is too short. And it also taught me that there are some pretty ignorant people out there. Don't let them get to you.

Now, the sad thing is, yes, people are going to judge you (even more so because you are pregnant) and say things behind your back. Some people are going to be complete asses and say it to your face. Only you know if it is something you can deal with both emotionally and also physically with the pregnancy, the hormones, the stress of planning the wedding. I just would advise that you find some type of support system, people who truly love you and support you and the decisions you make. And I don't think it can be just your FI. He's got a lot on his plate too.

I will always love my 1st husband. It has been over 13 years since he died and I still have days when a simple memory will make me cry. There is no blueprint for what we have gone through. And time is not necessarily what heals you.

2dBride · July 2012

I'm no prude, and I don't think it's "immoral" to be pregnant outside of marriage. But I do think that marriage provides important legal protections for both the parents and the baby. While I would never advise getting married to someone just because you were pregnant, I do think that if you were otherwise planning to get married, doing so before the baby is born is a good idea.

nraymond1 · July 2012

Thanks everyone for all your input! FI and I are both just so indecisive, it's nice to have the extra voices. Still horribly stuck but it's helpful to think about it that way.

dawnleanna1 · July 2012

Congrats on your pregnancy

I am also a widow and will be getting married again this weekend. I got pregnant while engaged to my first husband and we decided to take the option of moving the wedding up so that we could have it before I was too pregnant. I am glad we made that decision. We had a much smaller wedding and only invited our closest family and friends. It was still very lovely. I am afraid if we would have waited it would have gotten pushed way back because after a baby with the baby expenses and time off work and all, money was very tight. Five months is quite fast, but if you are both absolutely sure that you are ready to make that commitment to each other then it does't really matter what other people think. But don't feel like you HAVE to get married before the baby. If you want more time, take it. Try not to worry about what others will think. Best of luck

Lisa50 · July 2012

Whoa! I chose "some other date," which I think should be at least a year or two after the baby is born. I am very sorry for you, as you are still going through the loss of your husband. With all of that grief mixed up with all of the pregnancy hormones, my gut is telling me you need to give yourself a break from any more big, emotional swings.

Would it be so bad to focus your time and energy on the life growing within you? Give yourself more time to heal from the loss of your husband. Balancing those two will be more than enough for the next few months. And ... when the baby comes, you'll need even more energy. Similar to what PP stated, you may want or need more time ... take it. There is no need to rush. Give yourself time to heal, time to nurture the unborn baby and time to enjoy the birth and first year of your baby's new life!

All the best to you!

nraymond1 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:063228cf-3c04-4425-a44b-33d8c9b4d9ecPost:56d70c90-9506-4489-bd11-4a381b535606">Re: Wedding date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoa! I chose "some other date," which I think should be at least a year or two after the baby is born. I am very sorry for you, as you are still going through the loss of your husband. With all of that grief mixed up with all of the pregnancy hormones, my gut is telling me you need to give yourself a break from any more big, emotional swings. Would it be so bad to focus your time and energy on the life growing within you? Give yourself more time to heal from the loss of your husband. Balancing those two will be more than enough for the next few months. And ... when the baby comes, you'll need even more energy. Similar to what PP stated, you may want or need more time ... take it. There is no need to rush. Give yourself time to heal, time to nurture the unborn baby and time to enjoy the birth and first year of your baby's new life! All the best to you!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

No, I don't think that'd be so bad, but being in a relationship with a baby is about as settled as I can be, I don't think the wedding will change that much except to make me feel more secure and provide a happy unit for my baby. Otherwise it's two people on two tracks heading in the same direction which isn't much different from roommates. While I miss my late husband terribly, I've had a lot of time this last year to myself and to figure out what I want out of life. I want to have a family. And as I've discovered how irritatingly short life can be, it makes no sense to me to put it off for some elusive goal or for conforming to social norms. I've always believed children learn an important lesson about love from their parents and I'd much rather teach them about working together as a team.
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Lisa50 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:063228cf-3c04-4425-a44b-33d8c9b4d9ecPost:203bd3c7-702b-424b-979e-33d8a96df5ce">Re: Wedding date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nobody will think it's a shotgun wedding in this day and age. I think you should go ahead, because it grants legal rights that you just don't have without a marriage certificate. Your ex wouldn't have to go to court to get custody if something happened to you, and other relatives wouldn't be able to contest it, for example.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Good points, all, Retread. I hadn't thought of the baby's rights. I just kept thinking about all that pre-bridal stress and baby hormones all running rampant at the same time. <em>Of course, I'm the one in my office who gained wait during a colleague's pregnancy -- I went out with her 2 to 3 days/week for milkshakes! ;)</em>

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