Trouble with step children??

RNMOMTO3 · October 2011

I can barely stand one of my future step-children. The oldest future step-son is awesome, daughter in the middlw is ok, but the youngest makes me want to send him to a Swedish boarding school until he is 30 years old! He is a very smart-aleck 14 years old (like his mother, even FI gets very irritated with him) and he lives just a few minutes from us so besides every other weekend, my FI brings him over for the evening frequently. This kid is occasionly rude to me and my family (my fam treats him like one of the family) but my FI feels guilty bc he doesn't live with the son & see him everyday and the ex-wife IS a crappy mom to the kid (leaves him home while she goes out to dinner but doesn't feed him anything but hot dogs and noodles, doesn't talk to him at all, spends no time with him) so the kid has no discipline. The kid makes messes on purpose like dumping the little metal Christmas ornament hangers right in front of me but his dad couldn't see it when we were decorating the tree last year, told me he hated me in front of his dad (FI did take him for a ride & scold him but I never got an apology), comes over and immediately starts scarfing down soda and chips (very obese kid) but won't eat what I cook for supper frequently bc he is a picky eater (read= only eats what can be purchased at McD's or Wendy's bc thats all is used to eating), and he purposefully pees all over the floor and walls but isn't made to clean it up. I get so tired of nagging about it so my son and I usually just clean it up when he leaves. We have horses and in the past we have had to change our plans bc the kid wanted to lay his fat butt up on my couch, watch tv, and suck down sodas. We couldn't go ride that day bc he didn't want to. He also used to cry just to get attention when I was with his dad even though I worked til late evening then nights and weekends and he had lots of alone time with his dad. When he comes through our door, I just want to stomp out of the room and slam doors bc he makes the hair on my neck stand up. My kids don't act like that when they come over and their dad is a crappy father but they are very respectful of my FI.

Thanks for letting me vent.

How have any of you handled very disrespectful and annoying step children?

redheadtmk · October 2011

With compassion, understanding, and maturity. The kid has a mother who clearly does not value him, care for him properly, or spend time teaching him to behave. He is acting out because it is probably the only way he gets attention. He is not a bad kid.

You need to have a serious talk with your FI about getting on the same page as far as house rules, and that all the children should be respectful to both adults. Frankly I think it is disgraceful that you are considering stomping out of the room like a child. You are the adult. Talk to your FI and tell him it is absolutely unacceptable for his son to be disprespectful to you or your family. (i would give a little wiggle room when he is dealing with your kids. step siblings fight like all siblings and need time to figure each other out on their own). He should be cleaning up after himself in the bathroom as well.

Other things you need to get over and accept. If he is a picky eater, too bad for you. That is the way he was raised and you dont get to change it. It would be nice if your FI encouraged him to join family meals and to make healthy choices but they wont be reinforced by his mother. It sounds like you resent the time your FI spends with him. Part of being a parent is putting children's needs first. Your stepson needs your compassion and understanding. It may mean you dont get the fairytale marriage you want until he is 18. I would also suggest counseling for him as well as for you and your FI. Or just you. If you are holding on to anger about something that happened last Christmas, you have some issues you need to work out before you marry.

right1thistime · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_trouble-step-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c21d93be-9abb-4751-916a-844a0cb0c0f1Post:b153e517-ec73-4d50-8df5-8fe24191f5c4">Trouble with step children??</a>:
[QUOTE]I can barely stand one of my future step-children. The oldest future step-son is awesome, daughter in the middlw is ok, but the youngest makes me want to send him to a Swedish boarding school until he is 30 years old! He is a very smart-aleck 14 years old (like his mother, even FI gets very irritated with him) and he lives just a few minutes from us so besides every other weekend, my FI brings him over for the evening frequently. This kid is occasionly rude to me and my family (my fam treats him like one of the family) but my FI feels guilty bc he doesn't live with the son & see him everyday and the ex-wife IS a crappy mom to the kid (leaves him home while she goes out to dinner but doesn't feed him anything but hot dogs and noodles, doesn't talk to him at all, spends no time with him) so the kid has no discipline. The kid makes messes on purpose like dumping the little metal Christmas ornament hangers right in front of me but his dad couldn't see it when we were decorating the tree last year, told me he hated me in front of his dad (FI did take him for a ride & scold him but I never got an apology), comes over and immediately starts scarfing down soda and chips (very obese kid) but won't eat what I cook for supper frequently bc he is a picky eater (read= only eats what can be purchased at McD's or Wendy's bc thats all is used to eating), and he purposefully pees all over the floor and walls but isn't made to clean it up. I get so tired of nagging about it so my son and I usually just clean it up when he leaves. We have horses and in the past we have had to change our plans bc the kid wanted to lay his fat butt up on my couch, watch tv, and suck down sodas. We couldn't go ride that day bc he didn't want to. He also used to cry just to get attention when I was with his dad even though I worked til late evening then nights and weekends and he had lots of alone time with his dad. When he comes through our door, I just want to stomp out of the room and slam doors bc he makes the hair on my neck stand up. My kids don't act like that when they come over and their dad is a crappy father but they are very respectful of my FI. Thanks for letting me vent. How have any of you handled very disrespectful and annoying step children?
Posted by RNMOMTO3[/QUOTE]

I wholeheartedly second EVERYTHING redheadtmk said. And couldn't have said it better. ~Donna

[Deleted User] · October 2011

I don't normally post here but thought I could give you some insight from the step-son's point of view. My mom married a guy that didn't like me. It was obvious by the way he treated me that he didn't like me. This led to me not liking him. He started demanding that I respect him, but he constantly disrespected me and he always expected me to make the first move toward the "right" thing. I was the kid, he was the adult.. it was his responsibliity to show me what was right, teach me how to respect him and other adults... instead he got mad that I didn't, punished me for it & treated me like crap.

If nobody is teaching him how to behave at his mother's house, you and your FI have to do it at yours. Even if he doesn't behave at home, you can still make rules that he has to follow when he is at your house. BUT, these all have to come from your FI. The kid doesn't respect you and until your FI demands that he does, he never will. In the mean time, you need to be respectful of him and treat him just like you would your kids... including that he follows all the same rules. These rules include meals. If he is not allowed to snack and eat crap at your house, he will eventually learn that he isn't. If you tell him that if he doesn't eat the meal with the family then he doesn't eat that night and enforce it, eventually he'll get tired of being hungry. (I'm not saying starve him.. if he claim's he's hungry hours later and wants to eat junk, tell him he can re-heat his dinner and eat that).

It is going to be very hard for a while until he gets used to having to follow the rules, but if you and your FI are a team and you both stick with it, it will eventually get better. Don't stop because it's too hard, and don't stop after a month and say it didn't work.

MikesAngie · October 2011

As both a step-child and a step-parent I can tell you a few things that are very important to your and your step-son's mental health. Rules and boundaries that are the same for all the children, that you and your FI are a united front, and structure. Unfortunately for you that means that both you and your FI have to be very strict and consistant about the rules. Blaming his mother for his behavior is a fine way to vent privately (or here); but consistantly blaming her for the son to the dad isn't going to bring cohesion to the household.

You and your FI need to agree on the rules and boundaries privately, and then enforce them in a united manner. At first it will be difficult but once you have the ball rolling it gets easier. All of the children will act out from time to time it's normal. The son is reacting to absolutely no structure, and he comes to your house because he's lonely and needs to know his place.

Just because he comes over doesn't mean the family outtings or meals should change, part of being a family is being included in what they are doing. If he doesn't like or want to join in too bad he can either go with you or back to his mom's. (He'll go with you because he's there to be parented not ignored).

Cleaning up after him when he's used the restroom isn't teaching him anything other than you are willing to give into his piggish ways. There are two ways to handle this when he comes out of the bathroom hand him the means to clean up his mess, and inspect the job (yes, you'll get the "i hate you"s and the "you're not my mom"s he's embarassed that you caught him - those are temporary childish name calling nohing more). The other is to make his dad inspect the restroom and force his son to clean it up.

Counseling sounds like a must here because you are holding a grudge against a boy who desparately needs strong strict parenting from his dad and you. You need to be the adult here and let childish name calling go at that. Kids will lash out when they are caught and embarassed. You need to buck up and tell him that you love him too and that he's right you are not his mom but nonetheless a parent who loves him as her son.

He will come around, being terrified of him isn't working, so try being strict and setting rules and boundaries he will bend believe me.

RNMOMTO3 · October 2011

@ RetreadBride- Yes,that is where a big part of the problem lies. I do treat the kid with respect but my FI feels guilty about not being there every day to protect his son from the crappy mother (they divorced years before I met my FI but the son has yelled at me that it's my fault his parents aren't together) so my FI has stated that he wants his son to come to our house and not have responsibilities because his home life is so bad. My children, however, help with chores when they are here and their father is only slightly better than FI's ex. I have talked to my FI about the fact his child won't eat real food at dinner time frequently but the FI just says he is sorry his kid is so picky and won't tell the son to eat what the family is eating. He just lets him scarf down the junk food and bottles of soda.

@redheadtmk & right1thistime- I said I FELT like stomping out of the room. I didn't say I have done it. I'm not resentful of the time my FI spends with his kids. I love when the older 2 come over because they don't act like such a spoiled brat as the younger one does. And my FI and I have plenty of couple time when the younger one is with his mom. We also go and do things separately with our friends and family frequently. I DO HOWEVER resent the fact that the kid's bad behavior is ignored and allowed to happen. This is a weekly thing, Christmas was just an example. Last month my dad put his hand lightly on the kid's shoulder to tell him bye at the door and the kid said "dont touch me!". As we have lived together for over 3 1/2 years, we are past the "dream life" stage.

@Boog- I have been a step child 3 different times my self. 2 of my staep fathers weren't very nice people but I was not allowed to be rude of disrespectful back. My children are expected to treat my FI and his family with respect and not be rude. And I have asked my FI to teach his son how to treat people with respect (not just me) and to eat what the family is eating but my FI doesn't want to "impose rules" on his son and I don't attempt to descipline his child and he doesn't mine.

All I'm asking is that my FI's kid treat me the same way my children treat him. That is NOT too much to ask no matter how crappy his upbringing!

right1thistime · October 2011

But your post is about the problem with the child, and your frustration is directed at the child. The problem is with your Fi. You anger, frustration and irritation needs to be with him. If your Fi will not parent the child, honestly, you have a show stopper on your hands. ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin · October 2011

Wow. Lots of good advice above. Trust me, some actual biological parents who have not been through a divorce have the same issues with their OWN kids!

"FI has stated that he wants his son to come to our house and not have responsibilities because his home life is so bad"

I think your fiance is carrying too much guilt about a failed marriage, and sadly he and his son are the ones that allows that to continue. FI and his ex-wife may not have agreed on anything, which is why they are an "ex-couple". Maybe your fiance never had good role models for parents, or can't grasp the damage he's doing his own son by not addressing his lack of rules/proper behavior/respecting others. Maybe he takes the easy road and allows his son to "rule the roost" because of the guilt and wanting things to be easier for him. He's doing everyone a disservice by this.

The difficult discussion with your fiance is that you HAVE (presumably) raised respectful kids who know how to treat others. It is probably one of the reasons he loves you, seeing how you are with your own children. It's never too late to learn to be a good parent, but it will be extremely difficult starting with a 14 year old boy. (I know, I have a son who is now 24 and was an awful teen, but a wonderful young man now, and a daughter who is now 17). Sometimes it's ok to be the one who did it right.............it may be hard for your fiance to swallow, but at times I deal with the same stuff with my hubby's kids.

I'd suggest the two of you start counseling together, coming up with some rules on how to handle what will be a hellacious long project. How to handle defiance, how to handle food issues, how to handle discipline, how to jointly solve this problem. The entire history of this young man's life will come into play, and a lot of difficult behavior needs to be addressed so he feels welcome in your home, and become the type of person that doesn't make your blood boil when he comes over. Your fiance also needs to get over the guilt because IMO it is driving his reactions and inability to resolve what appears to be an unhappy situation.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

shytownkelly · October 2011

Lots of great ideas and suggestions here.

Your FI is being what is known as a Disney-Daddy or Guilty-Daddy. The whole concept of "your life is rough over there, so we'll make it a perfect little bubble over here for you" is completely going to (already has?) backfire.

Pity is NOT parenting. Parenting is about setting rules and expectations. And then sticking to them even when it really sucks and even you don't want to do it!

As a new step-mom to a teenaged boy from a rough early childhood, I can tell ya - it isn't easy. You know that. And there is no magic bullet to fix the situation. You and your FI need to get on the same page ASAP. If not - you will always be the villian in your own home.

And while I'm not going to scream "Don't Marry him!!!" I am going to suggest you make a point to get some resolution (or a game plan to resolution) about this issue. before you get married. At 14 the boy is going to be in and out of your home for the next 4 years (18) at least. It could make for a LOOOONNNGGGG 4 years.

(and obviously he doesn't disappear at 18, but the expectation that you'd have typical custody visits would expire. With your FI's current thinking though - he could be around until he's 30!)

And one other aspect to think about - how do your kids and his other kids deal with the boy? Are they resentful of the fact that he is being coddled? Guess what? if so - that only gets worse...

Oh and one more thing - find support for yourself. I have found most of the people in my life can't grasp how very challenging each and every day is with my stepson. When I have tried to vent my frustrations with friends, they tend to poo-poo me "you haven't raised boys before, I'm sure he's fine" (I have 2 teenaged daughters, so I've got parenting skills). Anyway - I've had to go to the internet to find other folks in similar situations that can relate to my issues more. Just having a safe place to vent can really help me get thru the week.

Good luck!

renjon7798 · October 2011

I have the same issue with my 8 year old step-daughter. She lives 5 hours away, so while we don't have her all the time, when we do have her at our home, it is for 3-30 days at a time.

She is the oldest child in her home, my FI only child AND the oldest grandchild. She has no rules, no boundries and seriously gets whatever she wants. (she's 8 and has every game system made, four bikes because she has four favorite colors, more clothes than she can ever wear and they are all name brands, a scooter {one of those small seated motorcycle type things}, a fourwheeler AND a snowmobile!) Everything her mother and her grandparents do revolve around what this child wants. Down to their work schedules. She is very used to never having to do a thing for herself and having her every need, wish and desire catered too.

Anyway, for a while, I bit my tounge when she was with us. My FI felt guilty for not being closer to her and he really tried to make up for it by playing into her spoiled brat attitude. Finally it was my children who stepped up and said enough. They were tired of it and they didn't want to take it anymore. We called a family meeting, without her there, and we told my FI that all we expected out of him and his daughter was that she be made to follow the rules that my kids had to follow. She is not given any "jobs" while she is at our house or anything, but she is expected to obey our rules. He agreeed 100% and the next time she was down, we all sat down with her and explained the rules to her and that she was expected to obey them. It took about a weekend of her being here for my FI to get it and for her to see that I wasn't going to take it anymore. (ok, so my children and I did leave the house for an hour while she had one MAJOR fit which resulted in a broken door, but that was simply for my FI to lay into her).

All of this is to say that you and your FI need to communicate and have open discussions about all of the children in the home. My kids don't go see their father except for 2 weeks a YEAR so they are always here. My FI and I have almost nightly chats about them. His daughter, we have a talk before she is going to be with us and everytime she comes down, we again lay out the rules for her. Most of the discapline does come from him when dealing with his daughter. You need to sit down with your FI and talk about how it will be when his children are at your home. But you have to understand that how his mother handles him while he is with her is NONE of your concern! You have no place to say anything about it unless she is physically harming him.

It won't be an easy ride and it's one you can't do alone. Unless your FI is willing to stand behind you 100% and back you up, you're fighting a loosing battle. It will take both of you with this. Love, understanding, patience, kindness, compassion, repeat!

RNMOMTO3 · October 2011

@Renjon- You do have it rough!! I can appreciate the fight you have on ur hands.

My FI's ex-wife doesn't keep him fed or clothed properly. Just last night the kids called her to ask her to bring home supper as she drove past 7 fast food places near their house as she returned from an expensive dinner with her boyfriend. She told him "no u should have eaten enough at ur dad's". we had been on our horses all day and had not had the chance to have supper yet when he needed to go home. We ended up taking him supper later at 1115 pm bc she had come in and gone to bed without bringing him anything and there is never anything in the house to eat. My FI pays his child support religously but she financially and emotionally neglects him.

So yes I do feel sorry for the kid but he needs to learn to be more respectful. As I stated in an earlier post, I only want him to treat me the way my children treat his father.

deliriousquesting · December 2011

I agree with Boog2011 I was a step-child and I used to refer to my step-mother as my "wicked" step-mom behind her back. I always felt like she treated her kids waay better than me and when dad wasn't around she showed it. That said, these are issues that you absolutely need to work out before getting married, as issues with children can lead to some heavy duty arguing. It also sounds like your FI needs to get on board here. If my son EVER talked to my FI that way he'd be in so freaking much trouble. I like what Boog2011 suggested as far as house rules and that the FI has to help st/ enforce them. Wholeheartedly agree.

ault1266 · January 2012

Hi, I am new to this board, am I am having the same problem with my future step-daughter. She is 13 and lives with us. She is ADHD and has major behavoir problems since pre-school. Her biggest problem is she is spoiled. She has an off and on relationship with her mother, who has had drug problems and is a horriable influence. I have 3 sons who are grown and living on thier own. She goes to weekly counseling but with no positive results. I insisted my FI and I see a theripist also, which we statrted a couple weeks ago. He feels sorry for her and is very lax in disipline, it has caused a huge rift between us and if counseling doesnt help, I will not marry him. We have been together 2 yrs, living together 6 months and she has made me miserable, the woman he dated before me stopped seeing him because of his daughter acting the same way towards her. I leave the disipline up to him and stay out of that. She can be so nasty, jealous, and disrepectful to me, he thinks its normal for her to be jealous and I agree, but it is no way acceptable for her to act out the way she does, like I said, her problems started way before I came into the picture. I have tried and tried to devolp a positive relationship with her, giving her lots of attention and love, but no changes as of yet. Our wedding is 4 months away and this is suppose to be a happy time, but its not, She can be so hateful to me it makes me cry. My FI spends more quality time with her than he spends with me and his son combined. His son is 16 and we get along great. He loves me and is glad his dad is happy. I totally understand how you feel. Let me know how things work out for you. Sorry this is so long, I guess I justneeded to vent!!!

RNMOMTO3 · January 2012

UPDATE: Things are getting better with the future stepson (FSS). He and my 17 yr old have really bonded lately and most of the time they are hear at the same time so they pal around. They even hug frequently (when they around wrestling lol) and it is usually initiated by FSS! I have decided to be gently firm about house rules but include my son and make it sound like I'm speaking to both boys and not just the FSS. He even wants to come live with us now that his mom is letting her house be foreclosed and she will move in with her FI. The FSS doesn't want to move to his mom's FI house bc the FI is just as horrible to him as the mother is. FSS told my FI "She (meaning me) could drive me to school every day. I think she likes me a little." He has begun to see that I treat him just like I do my own boys and has realized the difference in the way I treat him and how his mom and her FI treat him. So happily I report that the family life is getting smoother.

@Ault and Dolphin- Ladies, I feel your pain. Keep killing them with kindness. Your FI loves them and you.

On a sad note, one of my coworkers had to completely cancel her wedding 4 months before the day bc of conflict with her FSS. He was refusing to move here with his father after the wedding and was causing severe issues. My coworker told her FI she couldn't stand to see him miserable and caught in the middle and would not make him choose between her and his son so she called it off and gave back the ring. I have stopped talking about my wedding plans completely in effort to spare her some heart ache. I hate that the kid caused her so much unhappiness.

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