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Mother Issues.

Monroe31Monroe31
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in Moms and Maids
I know this is extremely long, and most will probably not read it. But i don't exactly have any friends and obviously no family memebers i can talk to about any problems. I would just like an outside opinion on what i might be able to do about this situation...

My relationship with my mother has been on a rocky road for going on 7 years now. And i'm only 21! I already have a 5 month old son with my finance, we were going to get married last year, until i found out we were pregnant, so we put it off until after he was born and we could enjoy having a new baby around for a little while...
My mother was absolutely no support during pregnancy, saying awful things about me, birth, saying more awful things, and even still today she does not help me with anything. The few times she has come and seen me over this past year, all her conversations consist of is putting down our family memebers. Of course when i stick up for them, she turns it around and puts me down.  I let her hold my son a few times, but the last time she almost killed him, long story short, i honestly think she was trying to make him mentally handicap, because my nephew is... She has seriously told me that she thinks its sad for my brother to see my son be so healthy and perfect. (That's why i think she was trying to hurt my son on purpose, thank God nothing happened to him, because i got to him in time!!) Needless to say, she hasn't held him since then!
She still has yet to congratulate me and my fiance on getting engaged, let alone having a child together. Yet every time i see her around other family memebers, such as holidays, birthdays, etc, she wants to act like she's mother of the year and puts on a show, saying things like, i could watch your son this week if i'm not busy, oh would you like me to go flower shopping with you, where are you picking out your dress, etc, etc.
I've had private conversations with her, telling her exactly how i feel about our relationship, but she just stares at me and won't say a word. Then she literally crys to our family, my father, aunts, grandmaw, etc. about how i am so horrible to her, won't let her see her grandson, won't let her help with the wedding, blah, blah, blah. So then they all attack me and don't believe my side of the story!
I really don't want her at my wedding, on one hand for the obvious reasons, on the other hand because i'm pretty certain she will make a scene and make my day all about her.  My only thing is, if i don't invite her, my father might not come or she might show up anyway and make an even bigger scene.
I've practically begged my finance to elope, but he assures me everything will be ok. He of course doesn't know my family as well as i do. A few family memebers made a huge scene at my baby shower because we started exactly 5 minutes late!
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Re: Mother Issues.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:04a3c5f7-7db4-4e99-9fee-0a85a5123fac">Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this is extremely long, and most will probably not read it. But i don't exactly have any friends and obviously no family memebers i can talk to about any problems. I would just like an outside opinion on what i might be able to do about this situation... My relationship with my mother has been on a rocky road for going on 7 years now. And i'm only 21! I already have a 5 month old son with my finance, we were going to get married last year, until i found out we were pregnant, so we put it off until after he was born and we could enjoy having a new baby around for a little while... My mother was absolutely no support during pregnancy, saying awful things about me, birth, saying more awful things, and even still today she does not help me with anything. The few times she has come and seen me over this past year, all her conversations consist of is putting down our family memebers. Of course when i stick up for them, she turns it around and puts me down.  <strong>I let her hold my son a few times, but the last time she almost killed him</strong>, long story short, i honestly think she was trying to make him mentally handicap, because my nephew is... She has seriously told me that she thinks its sad for my brother to see my son be so healthy and perfect. (That's why i think she was trying to hurt my son on purpose, thank God nothing happened to him, because i got to him in time!!) Needless to say, she hasn't held him since then! She still has yet to congratulate me and my fiance on getting engaged, let alone having a child together. Yet every time i see her around other family memebers, such as holidays, birthdays, etc, she wants to act like she's mother of the year and puts on a show, saying things like, i could watch your son this week if i'm not busy, oh would you like me to go flower shopping with you, where are you picking out your dress, etc, etc. I've had private conversations with her, telling her exactly how i feel about our relationship, but she just stares at me and won't say a word. Then she literally crys to our family, my father, aunts, grandmaw, etc. about how i am so horrible to her, won't let her see her grandson, won't let her help with the wedding, blah, blah, blah. So then they all attack me and don't believe my side of the story! I really don't want her at my wedding, on one hand for the obvious reasons, on the other hand because i'm pretty certain she will make a scene and make my day all about her.  My only thing is, if i don't invite her, my father might not come or she might show up anyway and make an even bigger scene. I've practically begged my finance to elope, but he assures me everything will be ok. He of course doesn't know my family as well as i do. A few family memebers made a huge scene at my baby shower because we started exactly 5 minutes late!
    Posted by Monroe31[/QUOTE]

    See the bolded part? That's all I need to know. You are a mother now. That baby is your first priority, above everthing else. You should've reported the incident to the police. You are not obligated to invite anyone, including your mother,  to your wedding, who has tried to to harm you or your family members. You need to have a talk with your father about it. If he chooses to stay away from your wedding because of your mom, that's fine. You just go ahead and get married without him. You should alert any parents of small children in your family that your mother should be watched around kids.
                       
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    JJandBayyJJandBayy
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    I have to agree with them. She has made it very clear to you that she is a danger so stay away from her and don't invite her. You should probably talk to your family about it before she has a chance to so she can't spin it to look like she is the victim. My future step mother-in-law is very similar to your mother.
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    Sharpschruter22Sharpschruter22 member
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    I apologize if I'm getting too personal, but what did she do? How did you react and what was her response?
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    If my mother tried to harm my child, I would never see her again.  I wouldn't even look back.  Along with all the other things you say about your mother, I don't know why you have put up with her as long as you have. 

    As for your father, tell him that you love him, but for the safety of your family, you need to cut off all contact with your mother.  Tell him you would still love to have a relationship with him, but you also understand if must choose his wife in this matter.

    Have a small private wedding you want.  Invite just FILs if you want.  Then go and live your life with your new husband and baby.  You all will be better off without your mother.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:92d615b4-0cdf-4d46-a800-03d295553372">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Retread, OP said her mother tried to harm the child, not that she harmed the child.  I really doubt CPS is going to do anything. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Does it really matter?  Her mom tried to harm the baby, it should be taken just as seriously as if she did harm the baby.  That is why police have "attempted" charges in addition to the actual offense.
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:92d615b4-0cdf-4d46-a800-03d295553372">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Retread, OP said her mother tried to harm the child, not that she harmed the child.  I really doubt CPS is going to do anything. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Yes and if I try to kill you, I won't get arrested because the police can only act if I actually did kill you.
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    edited January 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:92d615b4-0cdf-4d46-a800-03d295553372">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Retread, OP said her mother tried to harm the child, not that she harmed the child.  I really doubt CPS is going to do anything. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    CPS investigates EVERY situation where they are alerted a child is/was in danger or is in possible danger.  They do not wait for an injury or death to investigate.  Common sense.  Get some.</div>
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    Maire and Retread have given you very very very wise counsel and I hope you really internalize it.  If your mom is a danger to your son, you must cut her out of your life.  If the rest of your family follows her, it will be a huge mistake on their part and something  that is out of your control.  It may be the price to be paid for keeping your baby safe.

    You sound like a young mom who really loves and cares for her baby.  I have no doubt about that.  Make your new family and hope that one day the others, minus mom, come around.  Does your father know your mom tried to harm the baby?  Does he not believe you?

    I had a SIL who had a saying that just hit me right in the core of my soul and helped me immensely with the incredibly dsyfunctional family I was blessed with.  I was raised by a toxic aunt and I kept trying to do whatever was necessary to stay in her good graces.  My sister-in-law sat me down one day and said, "K - if you were thirsty and knew your well was dry, would you keep going back there looking for water?  No, you wouldn't because there is no water there and there never will be.  Your aunt is a dry well.  QUIT LOOKING FOR WATER IN A DRY WELL!!!!

    Please roll that around in the back of your mind for a couple of days.  I hope it is as eye-opening and healing for you as it was for me.  Your mom is a dry well.

    I wish you the very best.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    NYU- CPS does investigate claims of child abuse by family members other than the custodial parents and child care workers.  At the very least, they will create a report, which they will have on file, in case there is another complaint against the grandmother. CPS might provide her with a list of services available to young mothers - parenting classes, WIC, play groups, licensed day care, mentors etc...If she doesn't want to call CPS, she should explain the situation to her pediatrician.

                       
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    edited January 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:17860b07-3e2f-4e2d-96f1-a92a26688386">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh please, yes CPS MAY investigate.  And how many times is there an incident in the paper where a family <strong>had been investigated</strong>and there were no charges?  Many.  To tell OP that CPA WILL do something is unrealistic, especailly given she did not call CPS right away.  
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Then their investigation found nothing at the time.  They still investigated it.  Investigations do not always lead to charges.  Your advice of "don't bother" does no good. Everyone else's advice starts a paper trial if she ever needs something like a Restraining Order.</div>
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    edited January 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:7ba4fe04-2376-4592-870e-e124ce2b8fce">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I doubt she needs a restraining order.  She should first just not allow the mom with the kids.</strong>  And retread, what can CPS do when someone does not notify them promptly? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Sure.  Because telling someone you are scared will cause harm to just stay away always works.  Her mother could show up when she is not there and a babysitter is.  She can show up when the child is older and at school or in day care.  Parents cannot be with their children 24 hours a day.  You can doubt she'll need it all you want.  The fact remains that she may need it.  Ever hear the phrase an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?</div>
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    mcda04mcda04 member
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    OP, I think we all agree that should not invite your mother and cut all relationships with her.

    You need therapy for all the emotional and possible physical abuse your mother has caused. Have a beautiful wedding with your loved ones. You won't even miss your mom the day of because you'll be surrounded with family and other people that are happy and truely care about you.
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    edited January 2013
    NYU - it's always a bad idea to try to play expert in an area you know absolutely nothing about.  You read about CPS in a newspaper. Lovely.  That makes you as knowledgeable about it as the bird whose cage it lines.  Retread has experience working for  CPS.  I'm an attorney and our practice's biggest case right now has CPS heavily involved.  You speaking to the legal culpability of OP in allowing her mother to hold the child would be laughable if there weren't a risk somebody would take your "legal expertise" seriously.

    You have always given horrendous advise and I normally ignore it.  However, this one involves lives so please just stop.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:67a66c54-733e-434c-9a58-2e81f0274dfd">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am taking OP at her word.  She says she "let" her mom hold the kid.  Understand this, yes there will be a paper trail, including that the mother, OP, allowed this.  Maybe first she try keeping her mom away fro mthe kid. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Seriously?  I doubt OP knew what her Mother was going to try to do when she handed her the kid.  If she knew her Mother was going to try to harm him or handicap him or kill him she would neve have allowed her to hold him or even be near him.

    You are being ridiculous.  There are some instances, and this is one of them, where CPS and the police need to be contacted.  They need to file a complaint and there needs to be an investigation so that if anything ever, God forbid, happens again that atleast OP will not be to blame for not reporting such activity in the beginning.

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:0e271a33-8f79-471a-a672-0630233aad18">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh really, let her go to CPS. <strong> 21 YO unmarried mother</strong>.  Complains about her mother.  Incident happened, what months ago?  Has mother been over there in the meantime?  And you see no issues here? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    What the #%^^$#& does this have to do with anything?!?!?!  People report incidents months and even years after they have occurred.  Rape victims, child molestation victims.  What makes her case any less important or any less urgent?

    Why the heck are you so angry?

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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:0e271a33-8f79-471a-a672-0630233aad18">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh really, let her go to CPS.  21 YO unmarried mother.  Complains about her mother.  Incident happened, what months ago?  Has mother been over there in the meantime?  And you see no issues here? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    No I don't.  I do see a HUGE issue that can come back to bite OP in the a$$ in the future though if a paper trail isn't started.  And it doesn't make a rat's a$$ of a difference that she is 21 or unmarried.  Doyou honestly think that's the first time CPS has seen that situation??
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:0179f527-f93d-419c-9012-171c7a483ff9">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Issues. : What the #%^^$#& does this have to do with anything?!?!?!  People report incidents months and even years after they have occurred.  Rape victims, child molestation victims.  What makes her case any less important or any less urgent? Why the heck are you so angry?
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    Pretty sure it has something to do with my post to her at the end of the first page.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:0e9fe4f8-7b7b-4102-b65e-74c10c538acc">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Issues. : Pretty sure it has something to do with my post to her at the end of the first page.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    I doubt it was your last post that made her angry.

    During this whole thread she has been against OP getting help.  It is ridiculous to think that OP age and marital status will make the CPS think "Oh, here we go again.  Some cracked up single Mother pissed at the grandma.  Let's just push this one to the side for a few days."

    I think NYU needs a good dose of reality to bring her back down from that la la land cloud she is on.

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    mandi195mandi195
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:f3057d21-dcd9-4810-b81b-4c076733c804">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Issues. : You are so one-sided you should not be a moderator.  Do you think it is apropriate to send a message like this publicly? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    She asked others to NOT verbally attack you, and that offends you in some way? Really?
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    jennyd412jennyd412 member
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    OP...Call CPS. Even if they don't investigate, it is good to have a file started on your Mom. I can only speak for the Rhode Island and Mass, systems, as I am a clinical social worker who has worked in both states and called the hotline in both states on a number of occassions. When you are uneducated about the system, it is easy to think they "do nothing." However, as many previous posters have stated the paper trail in the form of a CPS file can only help your child or another child from potentially being harmed by your mother in the future, Its not a perfect system by any means, but it exists for a reason. 

     
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    jennyd412jennyd412 member
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    Thanks, Retread. I can't shut up when it comes to child welfare issues :)
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    RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:510a4c90-3e08-49e3-b919-68a9523bc39d">Re: Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Issues. : Yes and if I try to kill you, I won't get arrested because the police can only act if I actually did kill you.
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]


    Seriously? Then why do people get arrested and go to jail for "attempted murder" on a regular basis?

    I don't know why I'm even remotely shocked by the level of idiocy that you're capable of spewing anymore, but here I am with my jaw on the floor all the same.


    OP, please, just cut ties with your mother. Your child does not need somebody that's going to try and deliberately hurt or kill him just to somehow even the playing field between him and your brother's disabled child.


    ETA: Sorry, Syd, for some reason I was thoroughly convinced that NYU said this. Last I checked, I've never thought you spewed idiocy on the boards. Forgive me?<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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    RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:edd835f2-5ac4-489f-860f-b0821f0d779b">Re:Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mother Issues.: I think that post was sarcastic, not serious.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Omg. Total fail. I seriously read "NYUGirl" as the poster for that when I quoted it,

    Probably because my brain just completely shut down after she said that the OP would be responsible if her baby had been hurt because she "allowed" her mother to try an hurt the kid when she gave permission for her mother to hold the baby.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b344c12a-8afb-49c1-92ef-2329b5cbd6ecPost:00aaf13b-43b3-4d80-94da-5f2a148acce2">Re:Mother Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mother Issues. : Omg. Total fail. I seriously read "NYUGirl" as the poster for that when I quoted it, Probably because my brain just completely shut down after she said that the OP would be responsible if her baby had been hurt because she "allowed" her mother to try an hurt the kid when she gave permission for her mother to hold the baby.
    Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I did a double take at this one also.  I was pretty sure the idiot you were talking to was NYU.
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    Monroe31Monroe31
    First Comment
    Thank you all for your help. I didn't know anything about cps or what they do. My whole family knows what she did and how it made me feel, but they won't believe me because she is extremely manipulative and has everyone wrapped up in her fake web. My whole life they've abused me, but I didn't know it was abuse until more recently because I would tell people and they would do nothing about it and tell me not to worry about it. I desperately would like to get some kind of counseling for myself, in hopes that I could gain some self-confidence and become a better parent.
    As for what she did, I obviously wouldn't have let her hold him if I knew what she would do. Believe me, I cry thinking about what she could have done or even may have done to my son while I asked her to watch him prior to that day while I go to the bathroom or take a shower. Of course he's still developing above average, but I hate myself for even thinking she'd treat him different. I just figured since he was a boy it'd be different becuase she always treated my brother like a god.

    I've started doing research on how to contact some help thanks to you all that helped me.
    As for the woman who said I wouldn't get help because I'm unmarried and 21? I don't appreciate that at all. I'm not some wacked out drug addict nor is it like I don't know who the father is. My fiance is the same man I lost my virginity too, which was only a few months before I got pregnant and I happen to have known my fiance since I was 4 years old. I've never drank, done drugs or even smoked a cigarette.  Not that I need to stand up for myself to a complete stranger, just thought you should know.
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