Strained Relations with Mom.

GleeBeal · January 2010

Hello all!

My name is Glee, and I will be getting married in North Carolina on May 29, 2010. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and my family is not too thrilled about that. We are moving to Colorado in July, and my family is also not thrilled about that, too.

I have only four more months (EXACTLY) to go and the only problems I am having have to do with dealing with my mother (strangely enough not my MIL!). She feels that we have cut her out of the wedding planning because we don't care about her or because we are selfish and self-centered. It's not that we don't want her input; it's just that every time we talk to her about things, she gets offended and all huffy about how our ideas aren't "proper" or "traditional."

For example: My fiance' doesn't drink, due to bad experiences with alcohol in his past. He doesn't want alcohol served at the wedding (champagne is allowed, upon my request). My mother argues against this constantly, even after she claims to have let it go. Also, we asked her for a guest list 18 months before the wedding. She gave us a list the week after we sent out save-the-dates (10 months later!). She STILL argues with us about who NEEDS to be invited (the wedding is 4 months away). I feel awful when she asks me things and guilt trips me. I feel like I have to be firm, but it's hard when she makes me feel like I'm a bad person.

Has anyone else felt some sort of strain on their relationship with their mothers during planning for the wedding??? I really need some sort of guidance. I'm trying to remain level-headed and calm, but every conversation wears down my defenses. Any suggestions for trying to remain calm when talking to her, or how to DE-stress, or how to fix this situation? Or is it something that will take time... well after the wedding?

[Deleted User] · January 2010

OK, I'm going to respond with the way I am dealing with these issues, as they've worked well for me.

1) First of all, why is your mom upset that you're paying for the wedding? Because she feels like that means you didn't want her to be a part of it? maybe she needs some kind of acknowledgement that you didn't not include her to make her feel bad, just that you have your own wants and ideas on your wedding. If she keeps calling you selfish, say you're sorry that's how she feels but it doesn't change anything. Same with the non-traditional things. It's what you want, and you won't feel bad about it.

2) With the alcohol, I also will not be buying any for similiar reasons. We said if you want alcohol, bring your own (especially considering a lot of people coming are big drinkers and we could never afford it). Drinking is not the most important part of a wedding, so your mother should get over it. And that's what you should tell her, get the fvck over it.

3) the guest list. It's YOUR wedding, she doesn't get to say who is invited. My mom kept naming names of family friends and whatnot, and I repeatedly told her to leave it alone. Invite who you want, and don't feel bad about leaving people off list (especially if you're paying for everything!).

4) Ultimately, you mom will likely enjoy the day and be happy you're getting married (here's hoping). So when she bugs you or critisizes you, just remember that your wedding will be done the way you want, not the way someone forces you into.

redheadfsu · January 2010

Personally, I'm in the camp that the reception is for the guests. So having zero alcohol is kind of rude in my book. How about at least a cash bar (even though people think that is rude also.)

Edit: I know you said champagne, but I'm assuming that is just for a toast - so one drink that not everyone likes. (I only like spumante champagne)

With weddings you have to just let people (including family) talk, you listen, & then say "Well, I think X fits FI & my personally better, but thank you so much for the advice". Then bean dip, bean dip, bean dip.

GleeBeal · January 2010

We are having an after-party later in the evening, because the ceremony and reception are a little earlier in the day (mid afternoon). We figured that having an after-party at a restaurant/micro-brewery where we paid for a smattering of appetizers would allow all of our friends and family to drink whatever they wanted (like a cash bar) at a place where the amounts and varieties of alcohol would not be limited.

I figured that would be a nice compromise? '

P.S. Thanks for your advice and comments!

redheadfsu · January 2010

Yeah that sounds like a compromise.

ok so just bean dip mom (that means just change the topic by saying isn't the bean dip great!)

SarahPLiz · January 2010

I agree with readhead. Just bean dip mom and go on with your plans.

Bubbala · January 2010

I have had some issues with my mother, as well. I thank her for her suggestions, and tell her I will definitely take them into consideration. The decision I make is mine, but making her feel like you are considering it should be sufficient...if it isn't, like PP's said, it is time to change the subject. Maybe get her involved in other ways, like helping with any DIY projects. I think you compromise is great...unfortunately, weddings tend to bring the worst in people...

GleeBeal · February 2010

Thank you ladies for all the responses! I am keeping your advice in mind. Maybe if I file it away in my head, when I face her next or talk to her via email or phone, I will be able to keep my wits about me and not let her arguments and disagreements get to me. thank you all again!

GleeBeal · February 2010

That's pretty intense. My mother is all about her image and what people think, which is odd, because she always told us not to care about what others think of us. The phrase that comes to mind is "Keeping up with the Joneses". I will see how she is acting the next few months and then appoint some people to be in charge if anyone (including her) makes a scene. Thanks for the post; I'd have never thought about that!

Strained Relations with Mom.

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