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GROOMS parents paying for the wedding...

delilahsmommydelilahsmommy member
First Comment
in Chit Chat

Any other brides going through this? I have divorced parents, my mom can't afford to contribute to any of it... and my father and I don't speak (he wouldn't have money to help anyway.)
This is very awkward to me.. it is hard to explain their personalities but I have never been crazy about them.. and with the FMIL and I, I believe the feeling is mutual, not to mention she is already a judgemental and somewhat conceited woman to begin with...

I am just angry at this situation, I can't help it. The wedding is in 3 months, and nothing has been done. I'm not the best at explaining the whole picture, but bascially I just can't stand the thought of them paying for the whole thing.
We are NOT close at all.. so it isn't as if I feel like I'm their daughter and it's all good. Because it's not. Sometimes I can't even stand to be around them.

The only thing that has been done so far is the venue has been partially paid for by them.
I feel like just postponing the wedding but that seems so silly...

I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my wedding, it's always going to be "up to them" and I'm going to have to ask permission for everything and have them feel entitled on the day. I know it would be a beautiful wedding(aren't all weddings?), but I don't want to have crappy feelings inside about things like this before, on the day of, or after....

Sorry just had to vent and wonder if anyone else is having grooms parents paying.

p.s. they won't even tell me how much they are willing to give us, or what kind of a financial position they are in...I have tried talking about it with them

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Re: GROOMS parents paying for the wedding...

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    afeliz79afeliz79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    What would be silly about postponing in this situation? You should absolutely postpone. Then, politely decline their money and save your own money to have a wedding you want, can afford, and can control. To do anything else would be insane.
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    lyradimerlyradimer member
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    My FI's parents are helping us pay for the wedding, but I have what seems like a closer relationship than you have with yours. I appreciate everything they've done for us, but there have been strings attached to the money which have caused me quite a bit of frustration. In the end we made the choice to accept their help, and the strings. If you don't feel comfortable taking their money, don't. Postpone the wedding until you can afford the wedding you want on your own, and then you won't be in their debt, and you can start your marriage on the right foot with your inlaws.
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    delilahsmommydelilahsmommy member
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    Only thing is I feel as if I'm just "dragging it out"- We've been together for 5 years, we have a 3.5 year old daughter together, and he proposed to me when I was pregnant while we were vacationing in Hawaii. We've been "engaged" all this time and at this point I feel as if it's just never going to happen. :(

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    J&K10910J&K10910 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    I think you need to reassess your priorities.

    At this point, I don't see any options besides postponing.  You don't HAVE a wedding right now.  You have no idea what the budget is, you don't have anything planned, and you have no way to know the money is coming. 

    You have two choices.  You can accept this money, which you know nothing about, and allow these people to continue to not plan a wedding, or you can plan the wedding you can afford.

    You seem so unhappy with the way things are going, that I wonder if you shouldn't just consider having a very small affair that you can pay for yourselves.

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    lyradimerlyradimer member
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    You could always elope, have a very private special day with just you and your FI and child. You'd be giving up your chance at a ppd, but you would get married to the man you love and the father of your daughter. You just have to decide what is the most important thing to you. If its to have the big party with all your friends and loved ones, wait until you can afford it. If it is to be married and secure with your honey, elope! There is no wrong answer, only your own priorities.
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    MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    As someone who dated her now DH 7.5 years before marrying, and was engaged for 3 years... there's no rush! You don't really seem to have a wedding planned yet as it is. If you're so resentful of your FILs for their money, don't take it. Postpone, politely decline their money, and start saving and planning the wedding you want. 
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    There is no rush here.  From the tone of your post, you will be miserable and will have had someone elses wedding.  Sounds like you are just supposed to throw your dress on and show up.  Is that what you want?  Postpone til you guys can afford what you want, or scale it back and get married sooner on what you can afford.
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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    And what does FI have to say about all this?
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    arendivaarendiva member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I would never accept money that had that many strings attached. My Fi and I had every intention of paying for our own wedding. We didn't ask parents for contributions. My parents gave us a check for $5000 "to go towards deposits and stuff" They have made no requirements of my money (besides wanting a few of their friends at the wedding and we had said that was ok before they even offered money).
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would seriously elope somewhere and call it a day.






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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_grooms-parents-paying-for-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:026d5441-a540-4265-8a53-2d281bbda8c7Post:45208cf0-ae3c-45f9-9ce4-76a11c649f4a">Re: GROOMS parents paying for the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Since your FILS have already put down a deposit on the venue, if you elope, they will lose the money they have iinvested in their son's wedding.  This is going to cause some serious problems in your future relationship.  You could have said "No, thankyou" earlier, but you didn't.  I think you should go through with it now.  If you do elope, you should pay them back.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]


    They didn't ask for the money so I don't think they have an obligation to return it.  FMIL sounds like a head case
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    Gina8484Gina8484
    First Comment
    My fiancs parents are paying for our venue. We are paying everything else on our own and offering to pay them back right after the wedding with some of the money we get as gifts and my fianc is getting a large commission bonus check from work the week after the wedding. So I personally feel a bit guilty as well but not so much since we plan on promptly paying them back. Not sure if they'll expect it all back or if its a gift or what but we will be offering to pay it back ASAP after the wedding.
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    Gina8484Gina8484
    First Comment
    So I guess my point is maybe accept it and insist on paying them back either as soon as you can in full or slowly over time. That way you don't feel as obligated to do it her way.
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    missglinda14missglinda14
    First Anniversary First Comment
    My fiance's parents are also paying for a rather large chunk of the wedding (not all of it, but a lot of the more big ticket items) and they won't talk to me about money either. BUT they basically told FI and I to start planning and when it came to choosing vendors, visit a few people and tell them which two photographers, two bands, etc we like the most, then they will meet with the top two of each category and pick from there. What is nice about it is they get their way with not talking about money (which I honestly don't understand) and we get a vendor we really like. If there is a vendor that we are leaning more towards than the other one, we have made that known as well. And so far, we have gotten the important things that we want and are happy with the little compromises we have made. Perhaps this is an approach that will work in this situation? Have your FI talk to them about it and go from there. If they still won't do anything or compromise, then I would totally postpone until you could pay for the wedding yourself.
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