This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....

jlegga1 · December 2011

I'm sure I will sound like a total bitch with this question but here it goes. What's a subtle and nice way to encourage my fiance to start working out and possibly lose a little weight? FI has gained quite a bit of weight since we first started dating. When we first started dating he still worked out and didn't eat as much as he does now. I of course still love him regardless of his weight and all other superficial things like that. But I am genuinely concerned that this will become a slipperly slope and his health will suffer as a result of his weight. He's a bit overweight as of right now but not terribly bad. I've noticed that he isn't as strong as he used to be and his endurance for physical things is down as well. It's really important to me that we both try to be in good physical shape but I don't know how to motivate him to work out. And I of course don't want to tell him he needs to lose a little weight because the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. So my question is, how do I approach this topic in a sensitive way?

ricksang · December 2011

That's tough. My husband has gained more than 100 lbs. since we have been together. I am going to school to become a registered dietitian and I can't get my husband to change his unhealthy habits. I have tried everything short of telling him he's fat (which I'd never do! ) and nothing has worked. Do you think he would be willing to listen to what you have to say?

SereJane · December 2011

I've had the same thing happen with my H and it really does require sensitivity because if I was the one who had gotten a little chubby I would want my H to be kind in how he approached me, so that's the mindset I had toward approaching the issue.

I looked at what I could do to improve our health and fitness and really tried to make the whole thing a joint venture without making a big deal about it or making him feel bad. It's really a team thing I feel. I had to be supportive and not eating burgers while he has a salad. So I was more conscious with what I made for dinner and what we bought at the grocery store, and I made it a priority for us to work out together. Instead of suggesting a dinner out, I suggested a hike and a picnic or a walk after a homemade dinner. Just simple tweaks for a more active lifestyle.

Eventually, my H realized himself that he didn't want to lose endurance/strength or put his health at risk (we have definitely had conversations about the fact that I want him to be around for a looooong time), so he took those habits I was working on creating for us as a platform for getting serious about his diet and exercise.

Good luck

ricksang · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:8ef02e12-3d4f-4eb3-8f14-cceb35d8d95a">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I've had the same thing happen with my H and it really does require sensitivity because if I was the one who had gotten a little chubby I would want my H to be kind in how he approached me, so that's the mindset I had toward approaching the issue. I looked at what I could do to improve our health and fitness and really tried to make the whole thing a joint venture without making a big deal about it or making him feel bad. It's really a team thing I feel. I had to be supportive and not eating burgers while he has a salad. So I was more conscious with what I made for dinner and what we bought at the grocery store, and I made it a priority for us to work out together. Instead of suggesting a dinner out, I suggested a hike and a picnic or a walk after a homemade dinner. Just simple tweaks for a more active lifestyle. Eventually, my H realized himself that he didn't want to lose endurance/strength or put his health at risk (we have definitely had conversations about the fact that I want him to be around for a looooong time), so he took those habits I was working on creating for us as a platform for getting serious about his diet and exercise. Good luck :)
Posted by SereJane[/QUOTE]
I like this advice. My H doesn't eat the same things as I do and we are on different work schedules but it could work for "normal" people.

mica178 · December 2011

The easiest way I found to affect how my husband behaves was to change myself. I told H that I was participating in a TK weight loss challenge, and so he was going to be subjected to more healthful food and greater encouragement to exercise (with me). He took the hint and lost 20 lbs., then continued to lose another 10 lbs of his "marriage weight."

brilibby4 · December 2011

I agree that a good way to change is to start incorporating more healthy habits into your relationship. Maybe suggest going for walks, hikes, swims, bike rides, or other fun physical activities together? I think its easier to be healthy when those things become habit again. Also maybe start buying healthier foods and making healthier meals? I would probably address it more as a "we" haven't been very healthy lately and "I" think we should get back into our old healthy lifestyle.

tdmaus · December 2011

Haha...i have the same issue... my Fi is not overweight, but he definitely has gained at least 10 lbs since we started dating 3 years ago... he loves playing computer games and snacking...without being active at all, that's why he has a little belly nowl... he even knows, he has gained some pounds, since his uncle made some comments over christmas and my Dad pointed it out last week too... but it doesnt bother me much and he still doesnt do anything to lose his little belly... i've been making jokes though, like sitting on the couch with him and rubbing his belly and asking "when is our baby due?" LOL

Maybe you can make subtle hints? Or maybe cook healthier for you both, so he can eat healthier and lose some pounds?

LesPaul · December 2011

Ditto PPs - make it a 'we' thing. If both of you are active, if both of you are eating better, it will be easier to get him on board.

NuggetBrain · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:656c394e-86de-4ba3-b558-03fe42501524">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha...i have the same issue... my Fi is not overweight, but he definitely has gained at least 10 lbs since we started dating 3 years ago... he loves playing computer games and snacking...without being active at all, that's why he has a little belly nowl... he even knows, he has gained some pounds, since his uncle made some comments over christmas and my Dad pointed it out last week too... but it doesnt bother me much and he still doesnt do anything to lose his little belly... i've been making jokes though, like sitting on the couch with him and rubbing his belly and asking "when is our baby due?" LOL Maybe you can make subtle hints? Or maybe cook healthier for you both, so he can eat healthier and lose some pounds?
Posted by tdmaus[/QUOTE]

That is so incredibly obnoxious. And your dad and his uncle giving him grief for gaining 10 pounds in 3 years is obnoxious too.

Steph0871 · December 2011

I would hope that, if you're getting married, you have a relationship where you can be open and honest with each other. I'm the one in our relationship who's gained significant weight since we've been together. (Granted, we started dating when we were 18.) H has gained some too, and we just talked about it. We decided that we needed to both be healthier. I agree with Sere that it does help if you eat meals together- cook together, try new foods. But just make sure you're both being healthy.

When H brought it up to me, I could tell he was apprehensive, but I'm glad he said something. I realized that if it was to the point where he wanted to say something about my weight, I needed to listen. I know he cares about me and would never want to hurt me, so it obviously wasn't meant to be spiteful.

If you have a good relationship, there's no need for games or 'hinting' to get your point across.

Steph0871 · December 2011

tdamus- seriously? You make fun of him for the weight gain? That's a really good way to make him even more self conscious about it. I guarantee he'll be more likely to be successful in getting health if you're supportive of him, instead of mocking him.

Starmusica · December 2011

i think changing your own habits is the easiest way- even if you don't necessarily need to. When we got engaged, I decided I wanted to loose about 25 pounds. We had been together since we were 17 and over those years, I had gained about that much. I sorta phrased it to H as- I know I can't do this along- mostly because I knew I couldn't! In his efforts to encourage me, he lost 30. Doing it together is the easiest and most fun way. We began working out and doing yoga together. That made a huge difference in a lot of way

LetsHikeToday · December 2011

I can't quote on my iPad but tdamus- that's rude and disrespectful. I'm pretty sure calling your FI pregnant won't have a positive effect on his weight or your relationship. Also, I'd be pissed if my father in law pointed out my weight gain.

RamonaFlowers · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:656c394e-86de-4ba3-b558-03fe42501524">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]i've been making jokes though, like sitting on the couch with him and rubbing his belly and asking "when is our baby due?" LOL Maybe you can make subtle hints? Posted by tdmaus[/QUOTE]

What on earth is "subtle" about this?

anna.oskar · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:2b1b5767-f905-4e39-9a4a-269657431a02">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't quote on my iPad but tdamus- that's rude and disrespectful. I'm pretty sure calling your FI pregnant won't have a positive effect on his weight or your relationship. Also, I'd be pissed if my father in law pointed out my weight gain.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

i'd be crying in a corner.

It's sad, but a lot of people don't even think about how men can have self-esteem and self-image issue too.

LetsHikeToday · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:f3193b30-002d-4668-892f-2ef95b1f1138">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but.... : i'd be crying in a corner. It's sad, but a lot of people don't even think about how men can have self-esteem and self-image issue too.
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

Well, me too and I'd probably not want to spend time with him again.

NuggetBrain · December 2011

Noodle's in-laws told him they were "concerned" about my weight years ago, and he mentioned it to me (in that "OMG you will NOT believe the nerve of my parents" context). I was so uncomfortable around them after that....it took months before I stopped worrying about if they were silently judging my weight everytime I went over there. Even now I'll sometimes wonder if they think I'm a fat slob.

katiewhompus · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:f3193b30-002d-4668-892f-2ef95b1f1138">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but.... : i'd be crying in a corner. It's sad, but a lot of people don't even think about how men can have self-esteem and self-image issue too.
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

Totally agree with this. H gained about 20 pounds when we got married and every time we saw his family we would hear "marriage is doing your belly good!" and other remarks about his weight. It's especially hard on him now because I gained 30 pounds while pregnant and dropped 35 by 4 months post partum. He gained 50 pounds and is just getting bigger and the comments keep coming, making him turtle in and eat more.

alynne1113 · December 2011

I just tell H that we are going on a diet and working out together and its time to be healthier. I also do most of the grocery shopping so I shop for healthy foods and make them more avalible.

rlavach · December 2011

I'm usually a lurker on here, but I've had the same problem. I'm vegan and try to eat as healthy as possible. I try to workout, but can't as much as I'd like. That's why I'm not at the weight I want, but working on it. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing I've done/said works on my FI. We don't live together, so I can't just start cooking better or do joint workouts. I've phrased it every way possible.

One day, my FI's brother says to him "You're getting really fat. You need to stop." BAM. The next day, he's on a healthy path! Drinking water, eating salads & grilled chicken. Bringing lunch to work. #$%^&*(*^!

He wasn't even mad at him or anything. I was a bit bothered at first that his not so kind words worked over me, but it gave the same desired outcome, so whatevs.

mehgank · December 2011

OP - I agree with PP's in that you should bring it up as a "we" thing and not a "him" thing. Prior to broaching the subject, you might want to do some homework first. Look up healthy recipes on websites like Cooking Light, SparkPeople, and LiveStrong to come up with healthy eating meal plans for the week, that way you know what to look for when you're grocery shopping.

You could also search websites like Groupon or Living Social for deals on stuff to do together, like a series of boot camp classes or one free month of personal training. That way, you can tell him "I got this awesome deal on this program for us to try together. It's something I"ve been wanting to give a try for a while now, and I think it would be fun for us to do it together".

entropicbeauty · December 2011

I tried for months to indicate to FI that we both had gained far too much weight and it was time to get healthy, but finally the only thing that worked was when I started going to the gym on a regular basis and offering him to come with me and requesting healthier food options. I lost a few lbs and suddenly FI is all into exercising and eating better and caring about his weight again.

It really needs to be about encouragement and not about criticism. I've had weight issues my whole life and the last thing that works on ME is when someone is critical, so you can't expect it to work on others either.

Support one another and you'll be able to do it!

mehgank · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:70446497-a6da-4caf-b021-c8cd013a8731">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I tried for months to indicate to FI that we both had gained far too much weight and it was time to get healthy, but finally the only thing that worked was when I started going to the gym on a regular basis and offering him to come with me and requesting healthier food options. I lost a few lbs and suddenly FI is all into exercising and eating better and caring about his weight again. It really needs to be about encouragement and not about criticism. I've had weight issues my whole life and the last thing that works on ME is when someone is critical, so you can't expect it to work on others either. Support one another and you'll be able to do it!
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]

Good for you for setting an awesome example! That makes me really proud of you. As for the bolded part, this should be your mantra, OP.

When I started training for my half marathon, I asked my H to join me on my longer runs (he's a great pacer, so it challenges me to keep up) and in the past month, he's already lost 5-7lbs. I've noticed his confidence has boosted and now that he's had a taste of running, he wants to do it more and more. Even though he can't run the half with me in February, he wants to be able to run as much with me as he can beforehand.

jemmini6 · December 2011

We've always approached our health as a "we" issue. I don't really need to lose any weight (as far as number is concerned), but that doesn't mean I don't need to eat better and be more active to remain fit and healthy. H comments how he'd like to lose a few pounds, so I try to be encouraging. He's had a tough time getting to the gym since he dislocated his shoulder (he had PT 3x a week), so instead, we try to go hiking on the weekends (especially since the weather is nice now, that doesn't last long here).

I think if you approach the weight issue as "we have both gained some 'marriage weight' and I'd like to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, so maybe we could start working out together and try to eat healthier?" that'd probably be better because you aren't pointing fingers, or calling him fat, but mearly suggesting that you get back on track with a healthy lifestyle.

HobokensFury · December 2011

Have you tried starting a diet program or exercise program together? FI weighed 375 lbs and couldn't get motivated unitl I said that I wanted to join weightwatchers and start a workout program for the wedding. I convinced him that it would be better and easier for me if we did it together. He said he would try it with me and has lost 50 lbs since Sept. and I've lost 13.

KatePlusNate04 · December 2011

A lot of people have given great advice. From personal experience, what worked for me was when I was trying to lose weight (and frankly, H didn't even NEED to lose weight, but he did add some muscle and get rid of a bit of pudge). I had a lot of weight to lose, so I started cooking only healthy meals and keeping only healthy snacks on hand. I would invite him to go for a run or bike ride with me. I told him his support was really important to me in helping me lose (which it honestly was), so it in turn, made him healthier as well.

Try to keep the workouts fun as well. Does he like playing sports? Suggest a one-on-one bball game or hit the tennis courts or kick around a soccer ball. Exercise doesn't just have to take place at the gym. This really helped my H get in more activity, when we took it outdoors.

sunnydays630 · December 2011

Everybody has beat me to it. I am in a similar situation. I told FI that I wanted him to do it with me bcasue its much easier to do it with someone. We have signed up for a 5K together, and plan out our meals for the week. FI gets pretty into it, as we are both pretty competitive people. And we have a (friendly) wager on the 5K.

jlegga1 · December 2011

I've definitely tried the "we" thing already and he just kind of gives me that look of "okay have fun with that" lol. And we live in seperate dorms as of right now so I can't really do much about the meals he eats (especially since we're both working two jobs and going to school full time). He always says that he never has time to work out and is always too tired. Which are legitimate reasons I suppose but I'm in the same boat he is AND i have several chronic health issues. I think most of it is just the fact that he isn't as motivated to be healthy as I am and simply doesn't care as much as I do about being healthy. I would NEVER make fun of him for his weight and I really am just concerned for his overall health. I'm in a bit of an awkward position though because he's incredibly sensitive about body issues (he was teased a lot as a kid for being overweight) and I've always been very underweight due to a thyroid condition. So I feel like tiny little me who has never struggled with weight issues saying something to him will go over ten times worse than in a normal circumstance. We talk about everything and are very open in our relationship but with this one I'm just so scared of hurting his feelings I'm not sure how to handle it

anna.oskar · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_this-going-sound-incredibly-mean-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86d3ed63-cdc3-4c02-8ab3-79945fa04d3aPost:eaf47fb2-a422-459c-a599-63a343c739f2">Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....</a>:
[QUOTE]I've definitely tried the "we" thing already and he just kind of gives me that look of "okay have fun with that" lol. And we live in seperate dorms as of right now so I can't really do much about the meals he eats (especially since we're both working two jobs and going to school full time). He always says that he never has time to work out and is always too tired. Which are legitimate reasons I suppose but I'm in the same boat he is AND i have several chronic health issues. I think most of it is just the fact that he isn't as motivated to be healthy as I am and simply doesn't care as much as I do about being healthy. I would NEVER make fun of him for his weight and I really am just concerned for his overall health. I'm in a bit of an awkward position though because he's incredibly sensitive about body issues (he was teased a lot as a kid for being overweight) and I've always been very underweight due to a thyroid condition. So I feel like tiny little me who has never struggled with weight issues saying something to him will go over ten times worse than in a normal circumstance. We talk about everything and are very open in our relationship but with this one I'm just so scared of hurting his feelings I'm not sure how to handle it :/
Posted by jlegga1[/QUOTE]

just put the offer out there when you can. My H was a fat kid so I've been extremely careful about not mentioning his weight but mentioning his health. It's been about a year since i started and just this month he finally decided he was ready to do something about his health and is now planning on working out with me starting Monday. I just had to give him enough time to decide it was something he wanted to actually do. i also think the fact that he popped a button off his pants the other day.. major catalyst.

SereJane · December 2011

Oh yes, I forgot to mention how hurt H has been by a few of his friends. They like to joke around with each other a lot but they've been saying things about his weight. It does hurt and I don't think they realize that. Their comments have actually turned into motivation for H but I hate their insensitivity.

Also, totally agree with Mehg to check out deals. We got 24 Hr fitness memberships for really cheap at Costco. Now it's a priority to go together.

volleygurl0306 · December 2011

Two things: 1. start cooking healthy for both of you. if you don't cook, find healthy restaurants to stick to.

2. exercise together. I was in your same situation. My FI used to be heavyset so he is incredible sensitive about it so being blunt is absolutely not an option. His mom is also blunt enough and will point out if he's gained even 5 pounds which put him in a terrible mood. Instead, I've suggested we go for walks on the beach, play tennis, or take a spin class together as a way of spending time together not to lose weight. The weight loss happens naturally from becoming more active. I also feel it makes our relationship stronger mentally. Also, typically if I've put on a few, so has he and vice-versa so if I mention I wana lose a few he sets a similar goal.

I understand what a PP meant by saying a open and honest relationship and trust me I tell my FI everything. But, if he has ever struggled with weight, you have to be sensitive about it. Plus, picking on physical attributes (especially with the male ego) is rough considering you are the one who is supposed to be the most physically attracted to him. Being subtle here is NOT dishonest, it is kind.

This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....

Re: This is going to sound INCREDIBLY mean but....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards