How to handle this delicate situation? advice?

Re: How to handle this delicate situation? advice?

• BriLeigh89 member

  

  September 2012

  she said she has everything done but the main wedding venue picked out. I'm fearing a disaster in her near future. I hate to just stand by and watch her scare him off by pushing him. I told her to just keep it minor and just look around, look at wedding magazines but nothing in cement yet. I was engaged before and I had flowers done and a dress bought as well as the rings we were both ready but a bigger problem came up and we split up. my mom still has the dress and decorations and I know how it feels to look at those items after it all goes wrong. should I just tell her to keep it small like magazines and websites and such and just not fuel her anymore or change the subject? I don't want to add to it.  

  
  

  
  

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• BriLeigh89 member

  

  September 2012

  thank you HoorayForSoup. That is why I came here I have seen others post to ppl on here who aren't engaged yet and I figured the ladies here would understand. I'm trying to be gentle so that she doesn't get infuriated and think I would have the audacity to ruin her relationship. I just want to save her from pain because I've seen her go through Hell. I know she is frustrated because here lately all of our friends got married and a few weeks ago we were both sitting around wondering when it would be our turn so I kow how she feels. but two weeks later by the campfire at my house my FI and I got engaged and now she is the last one and its eating at her. I know how frustrating it is to be so close to know you have exactly what you want and just to be waiting on the ring but in all honesty I want to tell her that you just have to wait. You can bring it up and test the waters and see how they feel but you can never force your guy to propose without disastrous results. I want her to relax and enjoy the relationship she is in. I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place because while I don't want to see her hurt I also don't want to infuriate her because she was the only one willing to help me with some things for my wedding I needed. I love her and I've known her all my life we were Girl Scouts together and went to the same church and spent every weekend together at her house and I just don't want to lose her so in my fear of that I have stayed quiet. 

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• BriLeigh89 member

  

  September 2012

  I guess I will just wait it out and keep quiet. If the only thing that is going to happen is a huge fight and everything to get ruined anyways I will just change the subject when she brings it up so I don't tell her to stop and I don't fuel her into thinking I am supporting the idea.

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• Kristin789 member

  

  September 2012 edited September 2012

  If she is under 18, talk to her mother.  Or have your mother talk to her mother.
  
  If she is over 18, you could still talk to her mother.  Or just let this go...

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  September 2012

  Please, please, do not talk to her mother about this.

  
  

  If she is under 18, she will hate you for going behind her back and won't listen to her mother anyway, because - now, Kristin#s, I know this is shocking - teenagers generally do not listen to their mothers.  If she's over 18, she'll hate you for going behind her back AND for treating her like a naughty child.  And she still won't listen to you OR her mother, because she'll just be pissed off at both of you for being conniving b!tches who talk about her behind her back.  

  
  

  As other PPs have said, there really isn't anything you can do other than talk to her yourself, and if you do talk to her, you need to be prepared for her to be angry with you.  I think changing the subject when her "wedding" comes up might be the best idea if you're trying not to rock the boat.  

  
  

  One other thing though - doesn't she think her groom is going to want a say in what THEIR wedding looks like?  Aside from it being way too soon and bordering on creepy, isn't there something insanely selfish about planning a wedding to another person WITHOUT the input of the other person?

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• Ali092011 member

  

  September 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-handle-this-delicate-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1aee7f24-bcbb-4d56-817c-aad8076617f9Post:7a66f140-04e1-4fd2-a169-5e730ff2b45b">Re: How to handle this delicate situation? advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Please, please, do not talk to her mother about this. If she is under 18, she will hate you for going behind her back and won't listen to her mother anyway, because - now, Kristin#s, I know this is shocking - teenagers generally do not listen to their mothers .  If she's over 18, she'll hate you for going behind her back AND for treating her like a naughty child.  And she still won't listen to you OR her mother, because she'll just be pissed off at both of you for being conniving b!tches who talk about her behind her back.   As other PPs have said, there really isn't anything you can do other than talk to her yourself, and if you do talk to her, you need to be prepared for her to be angry with you.  I think changing the subject when her "wedding" comes up might be the best idea if you're trying not to rock the boat.   <strong>One other thing though - doesn't she think her groom is going to want a say in what THEIR wedding looks like?  Aside from it being way too soon and bordering on creepy, isn't there something insanely selfish about planning a wedding to another person  WITHOUT the input of the other person?</strong>
  Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
  
  I agree with PPs that it's probably not the best idea to rain on her parade right now, unless she is off spending thousands of dollars that she doesn't have on a wedding that may not even occur.
  
  However, if it were me, I'd have a hard time only being a spectator in this shitshow. It's hard to watch a friend do something that will end badly and hurt her without stepping in. The bolded part of Steph's post might be a good starting point. Next time she brings up flowers or photographers or something, what if you say, "You know, Friend, I was wondering what Boyfriend thinks of all of this. Would he feel left out that you're interviewing photographers without him?" That could be a gentle way of broaching the topic. You never know--perhaps she has talked to her boyfriend and he's okay with this. Or if she says something that indicates that he has no idea or that she's planning the whole wedding without his input, that gives you the opportunity to gently bring her back to reality.
  
  However, like CMGr said, part of growing up is making mistakes. She may need to figure this out on her own. Just be there for her like you have your whole life. You sound like a good friend.

  

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• zantster member

  

  September 2012

  Kind of piggybacking on what HoorayForSoup said, there's also a Not Engaged Yet board on here that you may want to refer her to.  The ladies on there will tell her the same thing and advise her to slow down, step away from the magazines and reality wedding tv and focus on other things as well.  They are a good support board. 
  
  The key is that you can do it in a really supportive way like letting her know that you're happy that she feels she's found the one and that she believes a proposal is coming soon and that perhaps other ladies in her situation might be a good place for her to throw some of her thoughts to. 
  
  Now that you're of the Just Engaged variety instead of the Not Engaged Yet variety she could get some more specific feedback on that board (not that you want to tell her this bit because it could make her feel  more left out).

  

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• thejucheidea member

  

  September 2012

  Send her to NEY. We'll take care of her.

  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  September 2012

  In Response to Re:How to handle this delicate situation? advice?:[QUOTE]Send her to NEY. We'll take care of her. Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]
  .
  Maybe I have been reading too many crime novels lately, but this has me picturing a bunch of brass knuckle wearing mafiosos waiting for OP's friend on NEY now.

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• thejucheidea member

  

  September 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-handle-this-delicate-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1aee7f24-bcbb-4d56-817c-aad8076617f9Post:a80938f0-9918-477f-981f-8506956d7a8f">Re:How to handle this delicate situation? advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle this delicate situation? advice?: . Maybe I have been reading too many crime novels lately, but this has me picturing a bunch of brass knuckle wearing mafiosos waiting for OP's friend on NEY now.
  Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
  Nah, that sounds pretty legit.

  
  

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• Shlby81

  

  September 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-handle-this-delicate-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1aee7f24-bcbb-4d56-817c-aad8076617f9Post:dc1b4b37-ee0c-46de-bd0b-b36ab79e57bc">How to handle this delicate situation? advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]My best friend since the sandbox has found a guy we all believe to be the one for her. I have been so happy for her. But today we talked and she told me that she had her whole wedding planned out and was finishing up on some of the decorations.... the only problem... she isn't engaged... They have only been together a couple months and she told me he says she's rushing and he isn't ready. I wanted to blurt out whoa! slow down! but I don't know what to say to her since she seems so happy and she has never been so happy and excited about anything. They are so great together and I don't want her to lose him because I know how much he means to her but I'm afraid if she keeps up he will bolt and then she will be a mess with a lot of money wasted and decorations left for something that never happened.  I don't want her to think I'm just raining on her parade I just think since she is in my wedding she caught the wedding bug and may sabotage her own relationship with a good man. any advice? at a loss for words...
  Posted by BriLeigh89[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  
  Leave your friend alone. My ex best friend kept telling me I was going to scare my boyfriend away, I now know she is jealous bc my now fiancé is so wonderful and hers is a lazy slob. Anyways he proposed to me and we've only been together for 4 months. Some times you just know.

  Live life like its your last day!

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• peekaboo2011 member

  

  September 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-handle-this-delicate-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1aee7f24-bcbb-4d56-817c-aad8076617f9Post:a80938f0-9918-477f-981f-8506956d7a8f">Re:How to handle this delicate situation? advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle this delicate situation? advice?: . Maybe I have been reading too many crime novels lately, but this has me picturing a bunch of brass knuckle wearing mafiosos waiting for OP's friend on NEY now.
  Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Actually, that seems pretty accurate.</div><div>
  </div><div>I've been told we're bitchy, terrible people, and people feel sorry for our husbands.  Which is ironic, since many of us don't have husbands...which is why we're threre.  Oh, and my favorite, apparently we're also the TK Plastics.</div><div>
  </div><div>So...bring it?</div>

  I french with my man
  
  

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• BriLeigh89 member

  

  October 2012

  I am just letting it go. I told her to just look around a bit and try not to make too many solid decisions. He is getting a little more ok with it idk if its because he is just letting her go so she will be happy. But I am happy for her. We went dress shopping for my wedding today and we found my dress and the look in her eyes and the smile on her face was worth more than anything to me. With us was my aunt who was our Girl Scout leader as children and she said she was so proud of the beautiful young women we became when she saw me in my gown and my friend in her MOH dress. They were both smiling like crazy and I couldn't breathe when I saw my reflection then the attendant brought out the veil I had noticed and put it on and it was PERFECT! I had the best day and my friend is so happy to help! She is putting together ideas for my hair and make up because I only trust her with my hair and make up for anything she has been doing it since our highschool dance days and later went to beauty school. I am so happy to spend my days with my best friend and she is doing so much better since she jumped into my wedding planning with both feet! :-)

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