Second Weddings

Parents less than thrilled?

My mom is less than thrilled needless to say about me getting remarried.  It's so frustrating.  I went to my sisters yesterday and was showing her some pictures I wanted to use for save the dates that we had taken and also where we wanted our venue to be.  My mom was just on the sidelines not making any comments.  I've gotten to the point to not going out of my way to show her because she jsut doesn't seem to care.  It hurts and I was so upset last night.  I know she doesn't like my fiance but he's not a bad guy at all.  I just don't know....  My dad passed away 15 years ago too so its hard.  I just wish he was still here because I dont think she'd be this way if he was.  Yesterday was such a bad day for me :( 
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Re: Parents less than thrilled?

  • Sorry your Mom isn't as excited as you are.  You say she doesn't like your FI, why?  Does she not know him that well, was she good friends with your ex?  You say he's not a bad guy, but that is about it about him. 

    I'm sorry that your dad passed, my dad passed away 11 years ago. 

    Congratulations on your engagement, and welcome to the board. 
  • I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's position on this.

    I think the best advice I have seen is not to discuss your plans around her. You can involve your sister if you are close, and describe things to her. Just make sure your Mom is not around. I'd recommend a "heart to heart" talk, but maybe it's pointless, you know her best.

    FWIW: my wedding last August was my first, but my hubby's 3rd. My parents are in their 80's and totally involved in their own health, own finances, own issues. My Mom had no enthusiasm surrounding the wedding. But then I looked back over the prior years, and saw that her enthusiasm for just about everything was not as "out there" as it used to be. They were very happy for me, but I think as our parents age they know we are self reliant and don't "need" them as much as we used to for acceptance.
  • I know that it hurts to want the involvement of your mother and not have the enthusiasm returned. In the initial stages of planning, my mom wasn't at all involved. She was close to my ex-husband and was nervous to reach out and get close to my fiance. Too, I have been divorced for seven years, my mother is used to having me around when she needs me, my up coming marriage means a change in the way things are. 
    The good news, even though it has been well over a year of planning...two months ago she asked about my plans for the church decor, the reception food, and after party. She has even requested a special dance with my fiance. Yesterday we talked for over an hour about the dresses and my hair. 

    Sometimes it takes a little time for those who know and love us to find their way emotionally in our plans for the future. Give her time and space, things could very well turn around but if they don't, you have to move forward with your life and be as happy as you can, you have that right. 
    Good luck to you and the road ahead. :-)
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  • You aren't alone, but I know that it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm in the same boat. My engagement came suddenly, and when I called to tell my mom the news, not only did she not congratulate me, she said something about me 'making the same mistake as everyone else.'

    I'm having a hard time with her reaction too, but am trying to get past it. What makes it worse is that at some point she will say something about us not being as close as we should be, but honestly, she's very self-absorbed and negative. The logical part of my brain knows this, but the emotional part is still pretty hurt about it.

    So ... I am trying to focus on planning and living everyday life. The bottom line is that this time next year we will be married, and that's what matters most of all. The wedding is a celebration of that, and whether or not my mom chooses to celebrate it or judge me, I won't let it ruin the start of my FIs and my new life together. THAT'S what this is about, not her.

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  • thanks guys....  I was thinking maybe she's acting like because we have grown apart because of how she acts and her views of James.  I invited her and my sister to chck out dresses with me.  Depending on how she is....  I'll try and include her more.  It's so hard to read her sometimes...

    On a side note...  checkout a wedding/reception venue sunday.  Don't have the cash to put down at the moment but at least i'll get an idea of prices.  And i found some dresses I liked... AND i talked FI to not wear khakis to the ceremony LOL  Even got him looking at Tux's showing him the different ways you can have them...  :) 
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  • Yay! Sounds like a productive day.

    Take it one day at a time with your mom, and use her reactions to gauge how involved you want her to be. Try not to stress over it, because it's not worth it. Focus on the positive, and everything will fall into place.
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  • ceceibsonceceibson member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited August 2012
    My mom was basically a PITA about anything wedding-related.  She had very strong opinions about everything, virtually every one of which violated etiquette.  For example, I had to hear at least 1000 times how I simply must put "no gifts please" on the invitations. Which I did not do.  I shouldn't wear a white dress,  I did.  I shouldn't have a big party.  I didn't.  We had 2, one before and 1 after,

    It got to where I either didn't bring up the wedding at all or, when she did, simply ignored her comments.  It didn't stop her from making them, of course.  But it did stop me from strangling her.

    We were married on the 18th.  My mother alternated between unbridled enthusiasm and tears of joy over every single aspect of the wedding.

    It was all I could do to keep from saying "I told you so."

    Which I might still do.
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  • My parents are not so thrilled. I have been divorced 6 years and they have seen the drama my exh had done to me. I learned quick not to tell them about the planning. They have seen me hurt by my exh, so they want to make sure I am not hurt again. So I feel your pain. I learned to just plan what you want to plan, invite them and go from that point. I am here for you if you need anything.

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