Need help! 2 dads

Re: Need help! 2 dads

• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2012

  No, I think it's totally rational that you want Kevin instead of your biological father to walk you down the aisle.  Your father at first said he was okay with that and even wanted it, so his turning around and making demands on you based on a "role" that he didn't fill for you is what's irrational.
  
  If Kevin is who you want to walk you down the aisle, then your biological father needs to accept that he voluntarily forfeited that role when he chose not to be there for you when you were younger.

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• mandi195

  

  November 2012

  I totally sympathize with you. I had a very similar situation. To avoid drama/hurt feeling/etc, I had both my dad's walk me, one on each arm. It was a kind gesture to both, and it worked for me. However, just becasue it was good for me doesn't mean it will be for you.
  I you want Kevin to walk you solo, I say do it that way. At the end of the day, just make sure that whatever you choose is something that works for you, and you are ok with whatever reaction may come. Best of luck.

  Praying for a miracle!

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-2-dads?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ddce08db-620f-4e90-bbe3-a5797741f560Post:7b327d16-4084-4c7c-a95a-1240f1e0e079">Need help! 2 dads</a>:
  [QUOTE]I need some advice on my situation. My mom left my dad when I was 5 months old. When I was 2 she met and married Kevin. During the time before they met my dad was not a part of my life for the most part. After Kevin married my mom he adopted me.<strong> My dad gave me away willingly</strong>. Kevin raised me as his daughter. When I was 18 I met my dad for the first time and <strong>we now have a close relationship</strong>. I am 28 now. 6 years ago my dad told me when the time came Kevin should walk me down the aisle. I completely agree with this. Now that I am getting married he has changed his mind and wants to walk me down the aisle with Kevin. I told him that I wanted Kevin to walk me down the aisle and have my dad at the end so they could both give me away. He has refused to do this. <strong>Saying he had taken "a back seat" long enough. I feel as though he made this choice a long time ago</strong> and I am upset that he is making me seem like the bad guy. <strong>He made the choice to give me away and though he regrets it, it does not change what happened</strong>. Am I being irrational? I know we are close now but he was not my father growing up. Please help shed some light on this for me! Much Thanks Lost Bride
  Posted by Dfragnoli[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I assume that, through the restoration of your close relationship with your father, you confirmed that he didn't try to have a relationship with you before, <em>correct?</em> (No stories of returned letters, unasnwered phone calls) Does he feel as though he was not allowed to participate in your childhood? IIf he sort-of admits that he didn't try- that will play a big part in the dynamics of your decision.
  
  How did you meet up with him? Did you contact him? This dynamic is also important to how you feel about the situation.
  
  You are not irrational. You are honoring your DADDY- the man who fathered you like a daughter should be, biology has nothing to do with it. He made his decision a long time ago and 6 years of a relationship doesn't erase 18 years of ignoring the situation.
  
  Its ultimately your decision in what you want to do, and it seems as though you made up your mind- have Kevin walk you and both give you away. You can tell him that he can either participate at that point, or remain seated, whatever he decides. Don't feel bad for wanting to be escorted by your Dad (he did adopt you after all!).
  
  (have you thought about spotlight dances? just a thought...)

   

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• Dfragnoli member

  

  November 2012

  Just to clarify he did not try to contact me in anyway. At 18 I reached out to him with my parents blessing. I am going to have a dance with both of them separately. I'm just shocked that he refuses to play a part of the ceremony the way that I have asked. I thought I was being thoughtful to include him.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2012

  You're very generous to include your biological father in the way that you have described. You shouldn't have to explain to him why your real dad, the one who brougt you up, is walking you down the aisle. He already knows. He is probably embarassed that he didn't play an important role in your life until recently.
  

                     

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• NOLAbridealmost member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-2-dads?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ddce08db-620f-4e90-bbe3-a5797741f560Post:7b327d16-4084-4c7c-a95a-1240f1e0e079">Need help! 2 dads</a>:
  [QUOTE]I need some advice on my situation. My mom left my dad when I was 5 months old. When I was 2 she met and married Kevin. During the time before they met my dad was not a part of my life for the most part. After Kevin married my mom he adopted me. <strong>My dad gave me away willingly.</strong> Kevin raised me as his daughter. When I was 18 I met my dad for the first time and we now have a close relationship. I am 28 now. 6 years ago my dad told me when the time came Kevin should walk me down the aisle. I completely agree with this. Now that I am getting married he has changed his mind and wants to walk me down the aisle with Kevin. I told him that I wanted Kevin to walk me down the aisle and have my dad at the end so they could both give me away. He has refused to do this. Saying he had taken "a back seat" long enough. I feel as though he made this choice a long time ago and I am upset that he is making me seem like the bad guy. He made the choice to give me away and though he regrets it, it does not change what happened. Am I being irrational? I know we are close now but he was not my father growing up. Please help shed some light on this for me! Much Thanks Lost Bride
  Posted by Dfragnoli[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I'd tell him that he "gave you away" once already and that he lost his chance to do it again.  Stand firm on this. Kevin sounds like he was an amazing dad to you growing up and if you want him to walk you down the aisle, then that's that.   Bio dad just needs to get over it.
  
  </div>

  
  Fatty Blog

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-2-dads?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ddce08db-620f-4e90-bbe3-a5797741f560Post:24e6a8cc-de7a-4cb3-b1b8-615da55221d0">Re:Need help! 2 dads</a>:
  [QUOTE]Just to clarify<strong> he did not try to contact me in anyway. At 18 I reached out to him with my parents blessing. I am going to have a dance with both of them</strong> separately. I'm just shocked that he refuses to play a part of the ceremony the way that I have asked. I thought I was being thoughtful to include him.
  Posted by Dfragnoli[/QUOTE]
  
  Ok, I just want to make sure that he did truly "give you up"- not just what your mom says (I've heard horror stories and just wanted to make sure I understood the whole situation! I'm in an abandonment-type situation also with my dad and I sympathize with your circumstances)
  
  You are already honoring him by acknowledging him through having him stand to give you away and dancing with him. You are very thoughtful to include him because of your new-found relationship. He probably feels guilty- which he certainly should- and that's ok, but he shouldn't take it out on you because of something he did/did not do for nearly 20 years.
  
  It will truly be his loss if he does not see how his refusal to participate is going to hurt your relationship even more.

   

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• Dfragnoli member

  

  November 2012

  I really appreciate the advice. I guess I needed to hear this from people outside of the family. He truly did walk away from being my father. He admits it. I guess I will just have to stand strong in my decision and he will be the one to choose what he does with that. Thank you again for the help.

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  December 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-2-dads?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:ddce08db-620f-4e90-bbe3-a5797741f560Post:24e6a8cc-de7a-4cb3-b1b8-615da55221d0">Re:Need help! 2 dads</a>:
  [QUOTE]Just to clarify he did not try to contact me in anyway. At 18 I reached out to him with my parents blessing. I am going to have a dance with both of them separately. I'm just shocked that he refuses to play a part of the ceremony the way that I have asked. I thought I was being thoughtful to include him.
  Posted by Dfragnoli[/QUOTE]
  
  I think this statement is the most indicative of your situation. You said you reached out to him with your "parents blessing." Clearly, your mom and step-dad are your "parents." So Kevin should walk you down the aisle. If your dad still needs healing, the wedding is not the time for it.

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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