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Bridal Shower Gift Concerns

lunasalunasa member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
Hi! This is my first post, and I am writing because I am sincerely concerned about my Bridal Shower. I don't have an option as to whether I have a shower or not, but would like to have some say on the gifts. 

My husband (we are already married but are having a big wedding next year so that our friends & family can take part) and I live in the UK.  Shipping internationally and paying the associated custom dues is INCREDIBLY expensive and many traditional shower gifts are heavy or delicate, making them hard to ship. An example- I recently paid $300 to have professionally packed antique crystal highball glasses shipped from the States to the UK, paid $140 in customs, and only 2 of the 12 glasses made it intact. 

I would prefer for guests to buy off of our UK registry so that I do not have to pay to ship everything, which is sometimes more costly than buying the gifts outright (see above!). This would mean that I wouldn't be "opening" anything at my shower, just reading cards that list the gift. 

Would this be terribly inappropriate? I have suggested to the shower hosts that guests don't bring gifts at all, but they insist that guests bring gifts. I do not want to seem ungrateful, but I would prefer not having any gifts over dealing with shipping issues & costs. 

Any help would be incredibly appreciated. 

Thanks a lot & best of luck!


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Re: Bridal Shower Gift Concerns

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    twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2f177223-59ec-4eb8-aa1e-0f3de6fdcc60Post:2bc35f49-af17-41b6-94e2-799dbae7c5f8">Bridal Shower Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Would this be terribly inappropriate? I have suggested to the shower hosts that guests don't bring gifts at all, but they insist that guests bring gifts.</strong> I do not want to seem ungrateful, but I would prefer not having any gifts over dealing with shipping issues & costs.  Any help would be incredibly appreciated.  Thanks a lot & best of luck!
    Posted by lunasa[/QUOTE]

    1. It is terribly inappropriate to have a shower at all if you are already married. You need to respectfully decline the hostesses' offer of a shower. Just say  something like "I appreciate your kindness, but I don't feel right accepting a shower since H and I are already married."

    2. You already had your wedding. No matter how small or simple it was, that was the wedding you chose. You are not having "another wedding." The event you are intending to host is a vow renewal, and as such, should not involve pre-wedding parties or wedding day traditions (wedding gown, garter/bouquet toss, etc.)
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    mgietler76mgietler76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I agree with PP. A shower is incredibly tacky, you are already married, your time for a shower has passed. I understand someone wants to throw one for you but you need to decline.

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    SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto pp's it's very tacky to have a bridal shower if you are already married. Ditto everything they said 110%.
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    Whippet8Whippet8 member
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    edited December 2011
    I'm jumping on the ditto train.
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    Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have to go along with the others...you are a wife, not a bride.

    That being said, if you have told your hostess and she is insisting, your only other option is to return everything and getting the cash.

    There is no way to do this that doesn't just sound awful.  At least please tell me that everyone knows that you are married......
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't understand how you don't have a choice in this.  Are you sure there's no way you can get out of it?
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As PP already said, you are already married and thus should forfeit any pre-wedding parties.

    If you have been offered one, it is polite and etiquette-appropriate to decline.

    I'm assuming this shower would be in the States? The whole problem can be easily avoided by not having a shower. Then no shipping problems!

    I'm sure it's disappointing to miss out on this, but that would be what is appropriate.
    But to answer your question: the point of a shower really is to celebrate with the bride-to-be and give her gifts and see them opened. Showers where gifts are not opened usually are side-eyed. I, for one, love seeing gifts opened. I'd find a shower a bit boring without this, in all honesty.

    Also, you can't tell people not to bring gifts and most would anyways. You also can't tell people what to give you as a gift.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, it is inappropriate to have a shower and tell people not to bring gifts to said shower.
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    lunasalunasa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks to everyone for your posts & your time. 

    I think we are in a more complicated situation than can be easily appreciated, which is why we chose to have both ceremonies.

    And yes, everyone does know we are already married. That said, they feel we deserve to have a chance to publicly celebrate our love just like any other couple, which is why they have enthusiastically supported our decision. Modern love & modern weddings come in all types, but I do believe the sentiment is what matters most.

    I think my flaw with making this post (my first post ever on one of these boards) was that I called it a "Bridal Shower", whereas there may be a better name for it. I will talk with the hostesses about changing the name, but don't think I can (or want to) convince them not to have it entirely since they have known me forever  and have always wanted to do this for me. 

    Thanks for the advice & best of luck!




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    MommyMarta08MommyMarta08 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Whatever- go for it. You deserve to celebrate your wedding if you never had one- every girl deserves a wedding and a shower. You didn't have one before and you are having one now, what's the difference buying you a gift now or buying it a year ago. Everyone has different circumstances. You accepted the shower, take it, enjoy it and have your guests ship the gifts to your house and wrap pictures of what they bought. 
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    MommyMarta08MommyMarta08 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2f177223-59ec-4eb8-aa1e-0f3de6fdcc60Post:75b78da5-b71a-40a9-8884-fe088d8772be">Re: Bridal Shower Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only way to celebrate your love is to ask other people to spend their money on you?
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>yes</div>
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    There's nothing wrong with letting then throw you a celebratory party.  There's everything wrong with expecting people to give you gifts at that party.
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    btartaroindbtartaroind
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I feel bad your first post experience was not so good!

    If I were you i would tell your friends that you would rather just have a get together and dont portray it as a pre-wedding party. For instance write a cute poem on the invite or something that states you got married in the uk and want to share your excitement with everyone in the states so you are having a get together. This way hopefully people will see it more as a party type thing than a bridal shower, and they wont get confused. Also people can then decide if they want to bring a gift. If they do it will most likely be a card with money.
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