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Am I allowed to be mad?

amandanicole6789amandanicole6789 member
First Comment
in Wedding Party
So I am having an issue with one of my BMs and I'm not sure if I'm entirely justified in being mad at her? I think I am but who knows.
Basically, my wedding is in FL and she lives in PA. She obviously can't make my shower in FL but a lot of my family lives in PA (shes not family though) so my aunt decided to throw me a shower there. My friend lives 2 hours away from my aunt so I assumed she'd be there. My aunt didn't ask her for any help, just invited her. Well, needless to say, my BM didn't end up going.
Now, I told her about this 3 months in advance. At that time she told me that her guy friend (who she wants to date but isn't....a whole nother story!) was coming too visit her that weekend. I said it was fine, he could come with her, no big deal! He'd only have to deal with a bunch of women for 3 hours (length of the shower). She told me she was coming.
My aunt sent out invitations a month ago. I still assumed she was coming because she said she would...and she's a BM. I wrote on her facebook wall about how I was so excited to see her twice, and got no response (and she's been flaky about answering her phone and I never thought to bring it up over text since I assumed she would never NOT come). So the TUESDAY before the shower she calls me and leaves a voicemail saying she isn't coming, but didn't say why (and left a bunch of other bs about how she's so excited for the wedding). I gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming she must have to work or something, but I still felt a little suspicious.
I'll be honest, I am NOT confrontational, at all. So I had another BM ask her why for me. She said it's because her guy friend was getting to her house the day of the shower, instead of the day before....so that's why.
I was so mad and hurt. I haven't spoken to her all week. The guy got in super early in the morning so she easily could have made it. Plus I said he could come with her! And she waited until the last minute to tell me! And she's a BRIDESMAID!! I was under the impression that a shower was a important BM responsibility. I didn't even want her to bring a present, I just wanted to see her. I haven't seen her in over a year now, and she's supposedly one of my best friends :(
And to top it off, she didn't even rsvp to my aunt.
So, is this an instance where I can be mad? Or am I just being a bridezilla? I've never been in a wedding myself so I don't really know the etiquette of being a BM but I know that if I was two hours away from my best friend, BM or not, I'd go to her shower. Let me know what you guys think :/ also, sorry this is so long!
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Re: Am I allowed to be mad?

  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    She's not required to plan, help with, or attend the shower just because she's a bridesmaid. The shower is an optional gift thrown or attended by anyone who wishes to do so.

    That being said ...

    I don't blame you for being upset that you didn't get to see her, or for being upset at her for saying that she'd come to the shower and then backing out at the last minute. It's a flaky thing to do to a friend. It would've been better if she'd been honest from the beginning by saying that she'd rather spend time with this guy.

    However, you're getting this information secondhand, and that can be a dangerous thing. Don't assume that something is 100% truthful unless you get it straight from the source. Information can always be misinterpreted or twisted (either intentionally or not) along the way. If you want to know the reason for something, ask the source yourself, don't have a friend play middleman. Nobody likes being confrontational, but it wasn't fair of you to put your friend in that position, and it's unwise to rely on secondhand information in general. Plus, it was kind of sneaky to have your friend do the digging for you, and it's also kind of hypocritical since you told your friend to her face that you didn't mind but then you had a mutual friend act as your spy.

    Is she the type to always be flaky, or to let her life revolve around a guy? Some people are just like that. I've had friends like that myself. It's annoying, but you also need to just accept that that's the way they are if you want to remain friends with them ... don't rely on them for really important things, and if you lower your expecations then you'll be pleasantly surprised when they go above and beyond for you (and you won't be really upset when they don't).

    I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset that she bailed on you, but ultimately you need to let it go. Take some time to stew over it privately and then take a breath and move on. If you spend time concentrating on the thought of, "You're a bridesmaid and so it's your job to plan/attend/do XYZ for my wedding," then you're going to give yourself a lot of heartache. In terms of her being your bridesmaid, she's technically done nothing wrong, and in the grand scheme of friendship this isn't a huge sin. Just something to shake off and take as a lesson about depending on her in the future.
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  • jaytee16jaytee16
    First Comment
    I think PP said it best, good advice.

    A personal side note:  I had my first (of 2) showers yesterday, it was amazing!  I have 4 BMs, 2 are currently traveling on other continents, the other two are local.  Only one of them showed up yesterday.  I also didn't get a confirmed no from that BM until I messaged her a few days before the shower offering her a ride if she needed it (she doesn't have a car and the location would've been hard for her to get to).  I would have loved for her to come, I was a little sad she didn't, but I do think there's a difference between being a little sad she didn't come and getting mad (and potentially into a fight) with her over it.  I would heed the advice of PP, very wise....
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  • whifflegirlwhifflegirl
    First Comment
    It sounds like her guy friend's plans changed last minute, so her plans had to change last minute.  Since you said that the guy "got in super early," that implies to me that he was traveling quite a distance to come and see her.  If he's traveling to see her, that means that he would have had to then turn around, travel two hours to the shower, sit through three hours of it, and then turn around and travel two hours back.  That's a lot to ask someone who is coming in for a visit.

    Since it's obvious that your aunt didn't consult her about the weekend prior to choosing the date for the shower, given that she already had plans, I don't think it's fair for you to hold it over her head that, in the end, she couldn't adjust her already made plans around your party.

    And just because she couldn't make it to your shower, I don't think it's fair to say it's "bs" that she is excited about your wedding.  Your shower and your wedding are two completely different events of completely different importance.
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  • ckollstedtckollstedt member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-allowed-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e8b5301-ae6b-4237-a7b1-46028146a53fPost:b4ce3e3a-b87d-4299-b881-ffdf3748f210">Re: Am I allowed to be mad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Showers are optional parties. She has the same right of refusal as any other guest. Sorry, but if she lives 2 hours away - that's four-hours round trip, at horrid gas prices. A lot to ask of a friend for a PARTY.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>I completely agree.  Most of my bridesmaids live around two hours from where my family is (and where the wedding will be).  My friends threw me a shower where they live, and my family threw me a shower at home.  Even if I hadn't been lucky enough to have a shower hosted by my 'maids, I wouldn't have asked them to drive four hours round-trip for my home shower.</div>
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Like pps said, showers are optional for your BMs. Not being able to go to stuff happens. I understand that it was sad not to get to see her, especially because you came all the way from FL. That part sucks. But just because she is walking down the aisle with you doesn't require her to attend pre-wedding parties or functions. 

    Out of my WP, only one of my BMs was able to come to my shower. One had another wedding to go to, and one simply didn't want to go. Would I have liked her there? Yeah. But should I get mad at her because she didn't feel comfortable going to my aunt's house and sitting in a circle cackling with a bunch of people she didn't know? Nah. It isn't worth it. I wouldn't really want to go to that either. 
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  • hellerc1hellerc1
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-allowed-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e8b5301-ae6b-4237-a7b1-46028146a53fPost:f054451a-6f63-4c52-866c-7f42fb6ec6e7">Re: Am I allowed to be mad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like her guy friend's plans changed last minute, so her plans had to change last minute.  Since you said that the guy "got in super early," that implies to me that he was traveling quite a distance to come and see her.  If he's traveling to see her, that means that he would have had to then turn around, travel two hours to the shower, sit through three hours of it, and then turn around and travel two hours back.  That's a lot to ask someone who is coming in for a visit. Since it's obvious that your aunt didn't consult her about the weekend prior to choosing the date for the shower, given that she already had plans, I don't think it's fair for you to hold it over her head that, in the end, she couldn't adjust her already made plans around your party. And just because she couldn't make it to your shower, I don't think it's fair to say it's "bs" that she is excited about your wedding.  Your shower and your wedding are two completely different events of completely different importance.
    Posted by whifflegirl[/QUOTE]


    This, and what made you think that the guy friend wanted to attend? I know it was your solution so that the BM could come but maybe when he found out he told her he would not be comfortable, or did not want to do that on his weekend away.
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  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    I think it's okay to be sad you didn't get to see your friend, but I don't really think she was in the wrong.  She told you from the beginning that she already had plans that weekend and you tried to steer it around your own party, even though it sounds like she didn't want to drag her guy friend to a bridal shower (can't blame her!) 

    It sounds like she had hinted at not being able to come for a while and you wouldn't take no for an answer.  Frankly, if I had a friend coming to visit me and staying with me I wouldn't want to travel to a bridal shower two hours away, with or without visiting friend.  I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but I do think you were being a bit selfish in trying to hijack her plans for that weekend when she had already made plans with someone who clearly means a lot to her. 

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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    If one of my friends, especially a bridesmaid, put some random guy ahead of my bridal shower, when she knew about it months in advance, I'd be extremely hurt by that.
    Boys come and go, but friends are forever.
    Enough said.
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-allowed-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e8b5301-ae6b-4237-a7b1-46028146a53fPost:089d422f-8f20-41d1-9279-99ee2a3289b1">Re: Am I allowed to be mad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If one of my friends, especially a bridesmaid, put some random guy ahead of my bridal shower, when she knew about it months in advance, I'd be extremely hurt by that. Boys come and go, but friends are forever. Enough said.
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    I would agree with this if it were her wedding.

    But what's a shower, really? "Come hang out with me and watch me open presents." I can agree with her being bummed about not seeing her friend, but they can hang out at another time. There's really no difference from the shower vs. an everyday trip to a bar to get drinks together, except for the presents. The shower is really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

    And the PP who said that it seems like OP basically twisted her arm into coming has a good point. Honestly, it's ridiculous of OP to expect her friend to bring this random guy to a bridal shower, let alone a stranger's shower. MH gets along great with my sister and girlfriends and his own female relatives, yet I doubt he would <em>ever </em>agree to sit in on their bridal showers. Hell, <strong><em>I</em></strong> don't even like spending three hours at a bridal shower. I'm betting that the friend only agreed to that because OP was really laying the pressure on her (again, she said in the first place that she had other plans), and she's probably been looking for an excuse to bail since that point.
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  • KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-allowed-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e8b5301-ae6b-4237-a7b1-46028146a53fPost:089d422f-8f20-41d1-9279-99ee2a3289b1">Re: Am I allowed to be mad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If one of my friends, especially a bridesmaid, put some random guy ahead of my bridal shower, <strong>when she knew about it months in advance</strong>, I'd be extremely hurt by that. Boys come and go, but friends are forever. Enough said.
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    ...and the bride was made aware that said BM <em>already had plans </em>when she found out about the shower date.

    Agreed with PP's - <em>I</em> don't like showers of any kind (baby, bridal, etc.) and I'd never force FI to go, let alone some random guy friend (that BM apparently is hoping to start a relationship with).

    OP - I understand being disappointed in not being able to see your friend. I would be too. However, I don't think you have a right to be mad at her/upset with her... she already had plans, would have had to make a 2+ hour commute, and she tried to tell both you and the person planning the party that she'd be unable to make it. When you push, push, and push, what do you expect her to do? She likely told you she'd come to get you off her back...
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  • amandanicole6789amandanicole6789 member
    First Comment
    I'm a little offended some of you who assume I pushed her into saying she would go! I have other BMs who also haven't been able to attend one of my showers for various reasons and I had no problem at all with them. This is exactly how the first conversation we had about it went,
    Me: "The shower is  ____"
    BM: "Uh-oh, thats when guy is supposed to come visit me!"
    Me: "Oh-no!"
    BM: "Well it's okay, I'll just drag him with me, he won't mind!"
    Me: "Okay, that works for me!"

    I swear I'm not making this up. I never forced her into saying she would go. I never suggested her bringing her guy friend, she did. Then we didn't talk about it again until right before the shower. If she would have said no in the first place, I wouldn't have been happy about it obviously, but it wouldn't have been a big deal.

    And to the poster that said we could hang out another time, we really can't unfortunately. My wedding is in FL but I actually live in Oklahoma. So a big part of it is being upset I didn't get to see her in general, not just because it was a shower. What Cindy said is exactly how I felt when I was posting. It may be petty or childish but it's how I felt, which is why I posted here to clear my head before contacting her and looking like a total crazy bride lol.

    Okay, just wanted to get that stuff out of the way first so no one thinks I'm a big B! lol. But anyway I really like what the first poster said. I agree with what you said and it's helped me think more logically about things. I've been looking at it a lot more like "what I expect her to do" when really thats not fair of me since I never laid out "BM Rules" (which would just be silly lol). I wish she would have told me sooner but my mom brought up a good point that she probably felt bad about not being able to go so she was probably nervous to bring it up.

    Thanks to everyone that responded. All of my other BMs are not too happy with this BM (for random reasons) so I was kind of getting biased advice from them on how to feel. Thanks for helping me clear my head everyone!
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-allowed-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e8b5301-ae6b-4237-a7b1-46028146a53fPost:6d9a7924-564a-4b0b-b441-bd9839e1d96c">Re: Am I allowed to be mad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a little offended some of you who assume I pushed her into saying she would go! I have other BMs who also haven't been able to attend one of my showers for various reasons and I had no problem at all with them. This is exactly how the first conversation we had about it went, Me: "The shower is  ____" BM: "Uh-oh, thats when guy is supposed to come visit me!" Me: "Oh-no!" BM: "Well it's okay, I'll just drag him with me, he won't mind!" Me: "Okay, that works for me!" I swear I'm not making this up. I never forced her into saying she would go. I never suggested her bringing her guy friend, she did. Then we didn't talk about it again until right before the shower. If she would have said no in the first place, I wouldn't have been happy about it obviously, but it wouldn't have been a big deal.
    Posted by amandanicole6789[/QUOTE]

    That's fine if that's the way it went down. Just please realize that it sounded a LOT different in your original post:

    <em><strong><font size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;" class="Apple-style-span">Now, I told her about this 3 months in advance. At that time she told me that her guy friend (who she wants to date but isn't....a whole nother story!) was coming too visit her that weekend. I said it was fine, he could come with her, no big deal! He'd only have to deal with a bunch of women for 3 hours (length of the shower). She told me she was coming.</span></font></strong></em>

    I think you can see from this wording why it came across as her saying she couldn't be there, and then you suggesting that she bring the guy. Apologies if you meant it differently.

    I'm guessing your other BMs are pissed that she won't be there to help out, or that this means that she won't help pay for the shower? It stinks if she promised them that she'd be there to help/pay, and now she's backing out, but they just have to suck it up and deal with it. They can scale things back if necessary, so that they can manage it on their own. I would just try and ignore what they say ... or tell them to take it up with her themselves and not get you involved.

    Sorry if you can't see your friend often, but at least she'll be there for the wedding, right? And at least there's always e-mail and Skype and other stuff we didn't have 20 years ago. It stinks when you can't hang out in person, though.
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  • amandanicole6789amandanicole6789 member
    First Comment
    You're right about the wording, now that I re-read it it does sound like thats the way I meant it. Sorry about that!

    And yeah I'm trying to not get involved in any animosity that the BMs may have against each other! As long as they all get along on the big day lol. And she definitely will be there for the wedding, already has her flight booked!

    Phew, I feel a lot better now then I did earlier.
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