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Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(

darlingashleedarlingashlee member
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Hey ladies! :)

I recently had to replace one of my bridesmaids after one of them backed out 4 1/2 months before the wedding. Luckily, a friend who wasn't going to be able to even make the wedding, just moved back home and was more than happy to fill that spot for me. (I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys.)

However, new bridesmaid also has a new boyfriend.. Do I have to invite him too? We really weren't planning on having that extra guest as my previous bridesmaid wasn't bringing a guest. I know it's not really a big deal, it's just one extra person but still. Also, this new boyfriend just so happens to work with my Fiance.. which I think makes things super wierd.
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Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(

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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
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    First of all I'm floored by the fact that people actually replace BMs, and especially ask the people to be a fill-in.

    Your wedding is in 4 months.  If they are still dating when they invites go out then yes you need to invite him.  I can't believe you would even consider being that rude to a girl who so graciously sucked up her pride to be a fill-in. 

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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:742e81f2-90c3-4c68-8eca-0a3dac5501ce">Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey ladies! :) I recently had to replace one of my bridesmaids after one of them backed out 4 1/2 months before the wedding. Luckily, a friend who wasn't going to be able to even make the wedding, just moved back home and was more than happy to fill that spot for me. (I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys.) However, new bridesmaid also has a new boyfriend.. Do I have to invite him too? We really weren't planning on having that extra guest as my previous bridesmaid wasn't bringing a guest. I know it's not really a big deal, it's just one extra person but still. <strong>Also, this new boyfriend just so happens to work with my Fiance.. which I think makes things super wierd.
    </strong>Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]

    So you go from saying this, to saying the boyfriend is in jail.  Which is it?
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:f0e28805-b946-4e9e-9ff7-9c632d8f6c83">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]No need to be rude, thanks. :) Considering as how neither of us really know this boyfriend and as I stated he is a NEW boyfriend, I wasn't sure. Maybe I should've elaborated on how this new boyfriend is also currently in jail and will get out only a few weeks before the wedding, so we really won't have the chance to get to know him in the first place. Again, simple question, no need to be rude about it.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]

    I'm not the one that replaced a BM. That is the epitome of rude. It's not a simple question. Your BMs get to bring dates. It's just common courtesy especially since you're treating this one like a mannequin. It doesn't matter if he's in jail that's none of your business. You don't need to "get to know him". It's her date. She brings who she wants unless he's going to kill you at your wedding or something.
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    Belle2BeBelle2Be member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:f0e28805-b946-4e9e-9ff7-9c632d8f6c83">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]No need to be rude, thanks. :) Considering as how neither of us really know this boyfriend and as I stated he is a NEW boyfriend, I wasn't sure. Maybe I should've elaborated on how this new boyfriend is also currently in jail and will get out only a few weeks before the wedding, so we really won't have the chance to get to know him in the first place. Again, simple question, no need to be rude about it.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]

    It's actually nothing to do with the boyfriend, you made the mistake of mentioning you replaced a bridemaid, which is a highly flammable comment round here.

    That said, the norm is steady couples  should be invited (people who live together etc) , but I think it would be pretty rude to not let a member of your wedding party bring a date.
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    tldhtldh member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:f0e28805-b946-4e9e-9ff7-9c632d8f6c83">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>No need to be rude</strong>, thanks. :) Considering as how neither of us really know this boyfriend and as I stated he is a NEW boyfriend, I wasn't sure. Maybe I should've elaborated on how this new boyfriend is also currently in jail and will get out only a few weeks before the wedding, so we really won't have the chance to get to know him in the first place. Again, simple question, no need to be rude about it.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]

    No kidding.  Replacing a bridesmaid and then not wanting to invite the BF of the sweetheart who swallowed her pride to be a replacement space filler is beyond rude.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    I can feel a DD coming on.
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    darlingashleedarlingashlee member
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    Okay, clearly I didn't understand the sensitivity of the subject around here.

    It wasn't my idea to "replace" this bridesmaid, the original bridesmaid actually talked to this girl before she said anything to me about it. FYI, she backed out because she got an incredible job offer overseas and will not be here, as she is moving in 2 weeks. They both came to me and explained everything, although I obviously didn't want to go along with it, she said she felt terrible (even after I explained it was fine and that I completely understood).. What was I supposed to do? Tell this friend no and continue to let the other one feel bad about backing out? I thought I was doing the polite thing here. Apparently not? I thought it was incredibly sweet she went out of her way to try to find someone else to step in when she couldn't do it.
    This girl is not treated as a "fill-in" or "stand-in" by any means, nor does she feel that way. That was one of my main concerns going into this and I've done everything I can to ensure she doesn't feel like that.

    The boyfriend worked with my fiance for about a month before going to jail. He was told he would have his job when he gets out. I'm by no means judging the fact that is in jail. I know why he's there and it's not like he's a murderer or something. My other three bridesmaids are not bringing dates, but that's by their choice. The whole deal about not knowing him comes from the fact we're having a VERY small wedding, mostly consisting of family, so it makes my fiance feel wierd having someone there neither of us really know, therefore, if it makes him uncomfortable, I'm going to question it.
    My intention was never to be rude about inviting him and apparently that's exactly how I came across, my apologies for that.
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
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    You don't get to cherry-pick your WP's dates.  It's a very basic courtesy to extend an invitation to their dates, and if you do so for one, it's really only fair you do so for all.  They may have chosen not to bring dates, but you gave them the option.  It's only fair you give her the same option.  This is of very small matter to you, but probably a huge deal to her.  Now is not the time to make some big statement about how you don't like her BF.  Brides who do this ALWAYS look bad and almost always wind up alienating the friend.  Suck it up.  One extra person won't kill your budget.

    FWIW, you'll spend about 30 seconds around the guy (less if you want) and you'll be so busy you won't even notice him.  Trust me; I can't stand DH's friend's GF but she was at our wedding and I think I spoke to her for about a minute and it was actually quite pleasant.  I was too happy to hold grudges that day.  

    I still don't get why him working with your FI is weird.
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    Belle2BeBelle2Be member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:744494bb-9b45-4848-a65d-1529ae8036fd">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, clearly I didn't understand the sensitivity of the subject around here. It wasn't my idea to "replace" this bridesmaid, the original bridesmaid actually talked to this girl before she said anything to me about it. FYI, she backed out because she got an incredible job offer overseas and will not be here, as she is moving in 2 weeks. They both came to me and explained everything, although I obviously didn't want to go along with it, she said she felt terrible (even after I explained it was fine and that I completely understood).. What was I supposed to do? Tell this friend no and continue to let the other one feel bad about backing out? I thought I was doing the polite thing here. Apparently not? I thought it was incredibly sweet she went out of her way to try to find someone else to step in when she couldn't do it. This girl is not treated as a "fill-in" or "stand-in" by any means, nor does she feel that way. That was one of my main concerns going into this and I've done everything I can to ensure she doesn't feel like that. The boyfriend worked with my fiance for about a month before going to jail. He was told he would have his job when he gets out. I'm by no means judging the fact that is in jail. I know why he's there and it's not like he's a murderer or something. My other three bridesmaids are not bringing dates, but that's by their choice. The whole deal about not knowing him comes from the fact we're having a VERY small wedding, mostly consisting of family, so it makes my fiance feel wierd having someone there neither of us really know, therefore, if it makes him uncomfortable, I'm going to question it. My intention was never to be rude about inviting him and apparently that's exactly how I came across, my apologies for that.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]

    In all honesty, its kinda wierd that your bridesmaid picked out and asked another girl (who you don't sound particularly attached to) to be your bridesmaid?

    You didn't come across as rude for not wanting to invite the bf(although it is rude not to) you came off as rude for treating your bridemaids like,well, like they are meaningless and replaceable. A simple "Bridemaid, I couldn't think of replacing you" would have solved all the problems you're having now.
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    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:744494bb-9b45-4848-a65d-1529ae8036fd">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]It wasn't my idea to "replace" this bridesmaid, the original bridesmaid actually talked to this girl before she said anything to me about it. FYI, she backed out because she got an incredible job offer overseas and will not be here, as she is moving in 2 weeks. They both came to me and explained everything, although I obviously didn't want to go along with it, she said she felt terrible (even after I explained it was fine and that I completely understood).. What was I supposed to do? Tell this friend no and continue to let the other one feel bad about backing out? I thought I was doing the polite thing here.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]
    Bull.  This was your original comment:  "<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys."</span>
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    lalap69lalap69 member
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    The more you elaborate, the less I believe you.

    In case this isn't MUD (honestly, I'm not sure whether you're lying about everything or just the more recent explanations trying to CYA), yes, you let your filler friend bring her date. 
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    darlingashleedarlingashlee member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:3e435aff-4ca4-4400-845d-defb99235fbc">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : Bull.  This was your original comment:  " I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys."
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

    This being <em>one</em> of the reasons we (meaning original bridesmaid, new bridesmaid, fiance and myself) decided to go along with the girls' plan.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:3e435aff-4ca4-4400-845d-defb99235fbc">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : Bull.  This was your original comment:  " I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys."
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
    lol


    The thing is, yeah, her boyfriend might be new <em>now</em>, but in 4 months (or when ever your wedding is) he won't be new. :)
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:6d6e4ce5-17f5-47ad-8753-fb9e8b2a2b35">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : lol The thing is, yeah, her boyfriend might be new now , but in 4 months (or when ever your wedding is) he won't be new. :)
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
    Equally possible: He may not even be in the picture anymore.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:1980cd71-cbbe-4553-a654-b127d5056244">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : Equally possible: He may not even be in the picture anymore.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
    Very true!
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    Well considering it's not any of the other BMs business who choose for your BP, then it doesn't matter what your BM thought about even sides.

    I don't believe your newest explanation at all. At all.

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Meh, if you think it is ok to treat "friends" like props, it really doesn't matter whether you even bother with etiquette.

    I can't believe people are still coming to your wedding after you treated your so called closest friends this way.  With friends like you....
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Members of the WP get dates.  Period.  If she wants to pick a guy off the street on her way into the reception and call him her date, that is entirely her prerogative.  Though since you've already proven that you view your friends as props, I wouldn't be surprised that the concept of such common courtesy is so difficult to understand...
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    frogurt814frogurt814
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:3e435aff-4ca4-4400-845d-defb99235fbc">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : Bull.  This was your original comment:  " I refused to have an uneven bridal party and I just couldn't even bear the thought of asking my Fiance to just kick out one of his guys."
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
    My thoughts exactly.  OP originally says there was no way she could accept uneven sides, and then she claims she did not want to go along with the plan of replacing her BM.  Ok. Whatev.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    I still feel like that DD will be along any minute.
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
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    Bless your heart.

    The pp's are right.  Your original post said you replaced your BM rather then asking your FI to get rid of one of his groomsmen.  That replacement BM gets a plus one invite to the wedding.
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    marinabreezemarinabreeze
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    OP gives one explanation, and then tells a different story, then tells another story in an attempt to cover up inconsistencies in the previous ones.  Yeah, I call shenanigans.

    However, in the off chance this isn't MUD, BF really should be invited.  If the wedding is going to be really small, then it's even more important that stand-in BM have a date so she can enjoy the day with you, and not be alone to think about the fact that she said okay to being an understudy prop for a bride that put aesthetics over people.


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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
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    I should probably add that we only had about 40 people at our wedding, including the friend of one of DH's cousins.  This girl was pretty much the only person in the room who we didn't both know, but it wasn't a big deal.  She just sort of kept to herself and enjoyed the party with said cousin.
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    filawfilaw member
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    I'm in the minority in that under certain circumstances, I don't think having someone step up to be a new BM is horribly rude or mean or inconsiderate.  I say that because I would not be offended if I were the "backup" bridesmaid.  Obviously, a lot of people disagree.

    To me, your circumstances sound like no body is feeling offended, so I wouldn't worry about that.

    I personally followed the "6 month rule" with my guests.  If someone I wanted to invite had been dating someone for 6 months or more when I sent out the invites, then I invited the person they were dating with them by name.  (Not as "and guest").  However, I did break that rule for my WP and let them all bring dates.  Though no one who didn't already fit the 6 month rule took me up on the offer.  

    I think you should extend the invite to him because it is considerate, it is just one person, and the day tends to be such a whirlwind, it's highly unlikely you will even register his presence.  I  also don't think the working with you FI will be as strange as you're worried it will.  DH and I both invited many of our work colleagues, and I know many other couples who do as well.  So that really shouldn't be a problem.  
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    superheroprincesssuperheroprincess member
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    All of my guests who are over the age of 16 (and I'm inviting over 200ppl) are allowed to bring a guest.

    I think that all people should be allowed to bring a guest to a wedding, I think it would be incredibly rude not too. 

    I also (off topic) think it's incredibly rude to write "and guest" on the invite if you know the person is in a relationship with someone. 

    FI and I were together for several years and 3 people invited him "and guest" to a wedding.  1 was family so we had no choice to attend, 1 was an old roomate, we didn't attend and the other was an old co-worker, we didn't attend.  If you don't care enough to find out my name (with facebook this is not hard and both couples know me) then I don't care enough to attend... or send a gift...
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    frogurt814frogurt814
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:efd2895f-7d12-4994-a86f-0211ed916ce2">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]All of my guests who are over the age of 16 (and I'm inviting over 200ppl) are allowed to bring a guest. I think that all people should be allowed to bring a guest to a wedding, I think it would be incredibly rude not too.  I <strong>also (off topic) think it's incredibly rude to write "and guest" on the invite if you know the person is in a relationship with someone.</strong>  FI and I were together for several years and 3 people invited him "and guest" to a wedding.  1 was family so we had no choice to attend, 1 was an old roomate, we didn't attend and the other was an old co-worker, we didn't attend.  If you don't care enough to find out my name (with facebook this is not hard and both couples know me) then I don't care enough to attend... or send a gift...
    Posted by superheroprincess[/QUOTE]
    Ditto.  When now SIL got married a few years ago, she and her husband addressed their invite to H (boyfriend at the time) and guest.  At that time, we had been dating for a couple of years, and living together for a year.  We see them all the time, so it's not like they didn't know me or didn't know my name.  I was pretty offended by that.
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    LD1970LD1970 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:9a73bf80-8c5f-4f5b-9fa2-7a8684f14e33">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :( : This being  one of the reasons we (meaning original bridesmaid, new bridesmaid, fiance and myself) decided to go along with the girls' plan.
    Posted by darlingashlee[/QUOTE]
    Uh huh...
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    abbyosu1211abbyosu1211 member
    First Comment
    Wow I feel like a horrible person right now......... I followed the 6 month relationship rule to including my bridal party though.  I didn't know it was rude.  When I saw someone say they can even bring someone in off the street is rude to me.    Maybe I think differently, but I also don't wanna be seen as a horrible person.  I guess I looked at it as not a big deal because all of the bridal party is close friends (only 1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen don't know each other).  I don't understand why they would need a date since they will not be sitting with them during dinner.  So now I feel like after reading these I need to rethink it.  Sorry for my stupidity.  So I guess I kind of understand what this girl is saying about her bridesmaid inviting her new bf.  However I do not understand the replacement part.  I would like to hope that there's more to it, the frustration has set in, and maybe the way she explained it wasn't quit the way it was meant.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Abbysou, you shouldn't be splitting your BP from their dates for dinner.  Your wedding party should be seated WITH their SOs.


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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-boyfriend-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc3fed00-e38f-4220-a02f-201126dde965Post:724d7d97-15fb-41a8-bbe2-bf69b7378f95">Re: Bridesmaid Boyfriend Issues :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow I feel like a horrible person right now......... I followed the 6 month relationship rule to including my bridal party though.  I didn't know it was rude.  When I saw someone say they can even bring someone in off the street is rude to me.    Maybe I think differently, but I also don't wanna be seen as a horrible person.  I guess I looked at it as not a big deal because all of the bridal party is close friends (only 1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen don't know each other).  I don't understand why they would need a date since they will not be sitting with them during dinner.  So now I feel like after reading these I need to rethink it.  Sorry for my stupidity.  So I guess I kind of understand what this girl is saying about her bridesmaid inviting her new bf.  However I do not understand the replacement part.  I would like to hope that there's more to it, the frustration has set in, and maybe the way she explained it wasn't quit the way it was meant.
    Posted by abbyosu1211[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, um, you're doing it wrong.

    Your WP should absolutely be seated with their dates/SOs at dinner which they should most certainly be allowed to bring.

    And guests should be invited with significant others. FI and I were talking about marriage a scant 3 months after we started dating. 6 months is a pretty crappy way to do it. I've known people who dated for years before getting "serious". I've also known couples (like myself) who were serious from the get go. You can't just cut it off at 6 months and expect people to be okay with it.
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