How to ask a married bridesmaid with children

d87renee · July 2010

Hello,
I have a friend who I've know for 6 years and I want to have her in my wedding. Here are two things holding me back......her husband and her children. Her husband told my FI that he if isn't a groomsman then he wont be attending the wedding. She has two children and she brings them everywhere she goes. I am afraid she will bring them to everything like fittings and girl dates, etc. i really want to ask her, but I also want to let her know that it's a big commitment and that I will need her help, not her whole family. I will be considerate because she is married and has kids but her husband is the type that doesn't help her out. I just don't want a bridesmaid that will be flakey because she can't attend or help out a lot. BUT we have been friends for so long.......please help ladies because I don't know what to do.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-married-bridesmaid-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3114794-3f11-4919-9ea3-edcdc8f4f04dPost:b5cdb123-5868-4c4e-b75c-2744e815ac25">How to ask a married bridesmaid with children</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I have a friend who I've know for 6 years and I want to have her in my wedding. Here are two things holding me back......her husband and her children. Her husband told my FI that he if isn't a groomsman then he wont be attending the wedding. She has two children and she brings them everywhere she goes. I am afraid she will bring them to everything like fittings and girl dates, etc. i really want to ask her, but I also want to let her know that it's a big commitment and that I will need her help, not her whole family. I will be considerate because she is married and has kids but her husband is the type that doesn't help her out. I just don't want a bridesmaid that will be flakey because she can't attend or help out a lot. BUT we have been friends for so long.......please help ladies because I don't know what to do. :(
Posted by d87renee[/QUOTE]

Hire a wedding planner if you and your FI can't take care of the details for your wedding. You're supposed to ask your nearest and dearest to stand up for you because, well, they're your nearest and dearest, not because they'll be cheap labor.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

Being a BM is not a big commitment. She isn't your wedding planner. If your wedding is such a production that having a life of her own is going to be a problem, you need to scale back both your plans and expectations asap. Hire someone to plan your wedding or scale it back to what you and your FI can handle on your own. I urge you to take a step back, throw away the wedding mags, and turn off the wedding shows. They give you a warped sense of what wedding planning is about and in the real world it costs brides their friends. I have stopped speaking to brides who treated me like unpaid help and so have other friends of mine. A party is not worth losing lifelong friends.

Belle2Be · July 2010

Pretty sure the general consensus is all the bridesmaid has to do is show up in a dress of your choosing, stand there and look pretty. If you want a maid or a slave, well you need to get married in the 1800's.

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-married-bridesmaid-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3114794-3f11-4919-9ea3-edcdc8f4f04dPost:b5cdb123-5868-4c4e-b75c-2744e815ac25">How to ask a married bridesmaid with children</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I have a friend who I've know for 6 years and I want to have her in my wedding. Here are two things holding me back......her husband and her children. Her husband told my FI that he if isn't a groomsman then he wont be attending the wedding. She has two children and she brings them everywhere she goes. I am afraid she will bring them to everything like fittings and girl dates, etc. i really want to ask her, but I also want to let her know that it's a big commitment and that I will need her help, not her whole family. I will be considerate because she is married and has kids but her husband is the type that doesn't help her out. I just don't want a bridesmaid that will be flakey because she can't attend or help out a lot. BUT we have been friends for so long.......please help ladies because I don't know what to do. :(
Posted by d87renee[/QUOTE]

What are you expecting her to have to help out with? Because as a BM she doesn't have to help out with anything for your wedding.

It sucks that her DH is demanding a place in the WP. And you are not obligated to have him.

Frankly, if you can get over the "she has to help me" stuff, I'd ask her. If her husband vetos her being in the WP without him, then she has much bigger stuff to deal with than being in your WP.

Now: there is a huge misconception about a BM "duties". So I have a standard piece to let you know what their duties are. Here it is:

Put down the wedding magazines. Turn off the wedding tv shows. Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites. Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble. Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

Here's the reality: the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony. That's it. Lock, stock, and barrel. They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures. Done and done.

Here's what they don't have to do: help plan and/or execute your wedding. That includes: They don't have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake. They don't have to go bridal gown shopping . They don't have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs.

They don't have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags. They don't have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around. They don't have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

The don't have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons. They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI).

I'd suggest that right from the get-go you lower your expectations of what a WP is all about. You'll be happier. So will your friends.

My last piece of advice: Print out the following words: "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL." Because it's true. it will also keep you on a smooth path.

GL

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Here we go again. The OP didn't say she intended on working this woman to death. BMs do have to get involved with certain things. Don't jump the gun and accuse the OP of planning on working this woman to death.

She mentioned dress fittings. And it would be a pain to have little kids around when the bride and other BMs are trying to get fitted. I don't blame her for not wanting the kids around during fittings.

The other issue is this woman's husband. He was dead wrong to say he would not attend if he was not a GM.

There are problem signs here.

Either you are going to accept their ways and let them dictate to you or you tell this woman straight out that you really want her to be a BM but she would not be able to drag the kids around or have her husband as a GM. If she can't accept those conditions, then she shouldn't be a BM.

mysticl · July 2010

Two friends went with me to pick out my wedding gown. One brought her 4 year old. I had not problem with him being there and neither did the store. Just because her kids come to HER fitting for her bm dress doesn't mean they will be a problem. That's the only fitting she needs to be at. If you ask her to tag along for yours because you would like her opinion she gets to say no.

Bottom line is that you cannot be conditional friends. Meaning only friends if husband and kids are out of the picture. They are part of her, so accept the family package or don't.

mbcdefg · July 2010

Wedding planning isn't rocket science. You shouldn't "need" help to plan it. If you "need" help then you're making it entirely too complicated.

If she's a close friend and you want her as a BM, ask her. If she's married to a d0uche who controlls her to the point where she can't be in a wedding unless he's in it as well, then that's their problem, not yours.

PeonyPrincesskdd · July 2010

She can bring her kids to fittings and girls days if she wants to.. If this friend is a good enough freind, then you should understand the importance of her children. and if the only way she can hang out with you and do girls days is to bring her kid, you need to understand that. You can't shut the door and say No don't bring your kids, because then you would never see her.. and that's not right. You need to understand her situation and be a good friend.

suz62984 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-married-bridesmaid-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3114794-3f11-4919-9ea3-edcdc8f4f04dPost:0989c6ca-e675-4d9d-98d0-4f95781188b2">Re: How to ask a married bridesmaid with children</a>:
[QUOTE]Pretty sure the general consensus is all the bridesmaid has to do is show up in a dress of your choosing, stand there and look pretty. If you want a maid or a slave, well you need to get married in the 1800's.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

100%! Also, so what if the husband says he won't attend. Don't let him bully his way into the WP. He is rude and snotty for saying something like that. You don't want to give into his tantrum do you? Also, he's all talk. Either he will show and you won't notice him, or he will stay home and you won't have to worry about him pouting all night. Win, win!

banana468 · July 2010

I can't imagine a diva-like husband. Is he really controlling?

EIther way, talk to your friend one on one. Expect no involvemet but tell her how much it would mean if SHE would be in your wedding.

And if it creates an issue with her husband, hopefully that's just between the two of them.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

Have you considered that the reason she brings her kids everywhere is (if your tales are accurate) her husband is a d-bag? Just some food for thought.

She's a mother. My father used to say to me: "Wait to have kids. Your life ends once their's begin for a good 20 years." It's the truth. Especially if she has young kids. The days of Sex and the City like "girl time" are pretty much on hold especially if hubby is that much of an ass hat. He most likely doesn't help out much.

Come back to reality. Your hopefully soon to be BM seems to be there already. If you ask her to be a BM, she will buy a dress, make herself pretty, and stand there at the altar while you marry your husband. Everything and anything else is bonus time.

crystalmir91385 · August 2010

Just ask her. She obviously means a lot to you. If her husband is going to be so rude and inconsiderate of her (and your) wants, than that's his problem. Don't put him in the WP just to make him happy. (I sure wouldn't put him in mine) If he doesn't attend the wedding than thats his perogative. As far as the kids go, there are some things that may be fun for them, and others where they could cause more damage than good. As a mother, I would think she would realize this beforehand, and not bring them to important meetings or ones where they may cause a ruckus. If it really bothers you, plan a couple "ladies day out" so it's just the two of you, and hit multiple appointments in those days.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-married-bridesmaid-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3114794-3f11-4919-9ea3-edcdc8f4f04dPost:c23010ed-bfaf-4da2-a7d1-a991467bea21">Re: How to ask a married bridesmaid with children</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you considered that the reason she brings her kids everywhere is (if your tales are accurate) her husband is a d-bag? Just some food for thought. She's a mother. My father used to say to me: "Wait to have kids. Your life ends once their's begin for a good 20 years." It's the truth. Especially if she has young kids. The days of Sex and the City like "girl time" are pretty much on hold especially if hubby is that much of an ass hat. He most likely doesn't help out much. Come back to reality. Your hopefully soon to be BM seems to be there already. If you ask her to be a BM, she will buy a dress, make herself pretty, and stand there at the altar while you marry your husband. Everything and anything else is bonus time.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

Speaking of Sex and the City, Miranda brings her little asian adopted child on girl day's all the time. I don't think Carrie, or the other girls mind. They care about their friend and hence they care about her daughter. It's true. So OP should do the same. Be happy that your BM is blessed with these children and welcome them lovingly

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

Charlotte I mean. Charlottle from SITC brings her daugher on lunches and girls days all the time. Just watch the movie and you will see.

How to ask a married bridesmaid with children

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