problem with Bridesmaid

Ennoid · July 2010

My bridesmaids picked their dresses out in April and were told they would need to order and pay for them by the 1st of June in order to have them in time. One of my Bridesmaids ask me to pay for hers and she would pay me back in a 2 weeks. She still hasn't paid me back. Everytime the topic of my wedding comes up she lets me know she doesn't have any money. Yet she keeps showing me all the new things she has just bought and telling me about the trips she is going on. She doesn't want to help with anything but still trys to be very pushy with how SHE wants things to be done in my wedding. I love her dearly and do not know how to deal with this without hurting her feelings. Any suggestions?

PeonyPrincesskdd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:1a0543fe-7304-4353-ac6c-9fab7f055435">problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My bridesmaids picked their dresses out in April and were told they would need to order and pay for them by the 1st of June in order to have them in time. One of my Bridesmaids ask me to pay for hers and she would pay me back in a 2 weeks. She still hasn't paid me back. Everytime the topic of my wedding comes up she lets me know she doesn't have any money. Yet she keeps showing me all the new things she has just bought and telling me about the trips she is going on. She doesn't want to help with anything but still trys to be very pushy with how SHE wants things to be done in my wedding. I love her dearly and do not know how to deal with this without hurting her feelings. Any suggestions?
Posted by Ennoid[/QUOTE]

Your bridesmaid can spend her money on anything she wants to. She does not have to spend a fortune on your wedding. She wants to buy things that mean a lot to her to have, or things she needs, and that is her business and none of yours. I agree that she does need to pay you back of course. But she doesn't need to help you with any wedding planning. Also, regarding her comments about how she wants things to be done in your wedding, remember it is YOUR wedding, and you can do what you like. Don't let her suggestions or strong feelings influence you in any way. Tell her thanks for the suggestions, but you are choosing this cake or these flowers etc.

briawna · July 2010

Ok, I am really getting sick of people who post garbage that bridesmaids have no obligation to help you do anything. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid IS a big responsibility, that's why people ask their friends to fulfill that role, because they are agreeing to help.

Ignore the other poster. Your friend is not coming through for you. I think you are well within your rights to sit down and have a conversation with her. Don't be too confrontational, because this girl will likely be at your wedding, and you don't want extra tension or drama, but maybe just sit down and ask her what her expectations as a bridesmaid are and share with her what you would like to get out of the experience.
It's a big honor to be in someone's wedding, and one that comes with responsibility. If she doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your line.
Explain to her that weddings are very expensive and you could really use that money. Ask her to set a date by which she believes she can pay you back, and ask her to stick to that goal. Ultimately, don't hand over her dress till she pays you.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

That's the risk of loaning money to friends. Anything you do to try to collect is going to make you look like a raging bitch. As far as the wedding stuff goes, if you don't like what she says about your plans, don't tell her about them. It's not like she needs to know what the centerpieces are going to look like in order to be able to show up in the right dress.

redheadfsu · July 2010

Give her a date you need her to pay you for the dress. Stop talking to her about the wedding if she is getting on your nerves. Plus, she doesn't have to help you with the wedding planning.

Ennoid · July 2010

I have no problem with what she spends her money on and you are right it is not my business. I only put it on there cause it seems that if she truly doesn't have the money to pay me back she wouldn't have the money to be buying things that cost 3 times what her dress cost. I do not expect her to spend a fortune on my wedding. The only thing I ask my bridesmaids to buy is their dresses and I let them pick those out.

I do not talk about wedding stuff around her unless she brings it up and what she is being pushy about isn't things like flowers, etc... The latest thing she told me is that she wants her daughter to be my flower girl and when I told her I already have my wedding party picked out she said her daughter WILL be carrying flowers down the aisle. She also let me know she Will be standing next to me instead of my MOH.

Like a said before I don't want to say something that will hurt her feelings, I have been close to her for 20 years and don't want anything to come between us. Which is why I have been very careful about what I say to her. However I don't want my wedding ruined either.......

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Cut her loose. She isn't worth the aggravation.

lilianne22 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:b2af6454-f6bf-4cbe-afe6-21eb533c0758">Re: problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no problem with what she spends her money on and you are right it is not my business. I only put it on there cause it seems that if she truly doesn't have the money to pay me back she wouldn't have the money to be buying things that cost 3 times what her dress cost. I do not expect her to spend a fortune on my wedding. The only thing I ask my bridesmaids to buy is their dresses and I let them pick those out. I do not talk about wedding stuff around her unless she brings it up and what she is being pushy about isn't things like flowers, etc... <strong>The latest thing she told me is that she wants her daughter to be my flower girl and when I told her I already have my wedding party picked out she said her daughter WILL be carrying flowers down the aisle. She also let me know she Will be standing next to me instead of my MOH</strong>. Like a said before I don't want to say something that will hurt her feelings, I have been close to her for 20 years and don't want anything to come between us. Which is why I have been very careful about what I say to her. However I don't want my wedding ruined either.......
Posted by Ennoid[/QUOTE]

This part makes me think you guys need to have a little chit chat unless she was just kidding when she said this. Putting in her two cents about ideas is one thing but telling you who is going to be in your wedding party and telling you how things are going to go isn't cool. I also agree with a PP who said you should give her a deadline for paying you back for the dress.

M&R7111 · July 2010

Let me just say that some "friends" to whom you lend money may not pay you back.

FI had a "friend" who rented from him (no lease, just cash each month so FI didn't need to get insurance). He was behind on 4 months rent b4 he moved out. He "fell on bad times" and promised to pay him back. That was 5 years ago.

Since then, he has bought his own place, big screen TVs, new furniture, and recently attend a destination wedding in Mexico for a mutual friend of ours. FI couldn't attend because he lost his job since then and didn't have the $$ for it. Yet, this guy, who owes FI over 2K in rent, can front the $1800 to go to Mexico while FI stayed home, broke.

This is what may happen if you lend a friend money (and rent to a friend w/o a lease!) I wouldn't expect to see that money again.

AutumnFair · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:4235fdd2-f750-4b95-ad8f-f5b3e9168a6b">Re: problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I am really getting sick of people who post garbage that bridesmaids have no obligation to help you do anything. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid IS a big responsibility, that's why people ask their friends to fulfill that role, because they are agreeing to help. Ignore the other poster. Your friend is not coming through for you. I think you are well within your rights to sit down and have a conversation with her. Don't be too confrontational, because this girl will likely be at your wedding, and you don't want extra tension or drama, but maybe just sit down and ask her what her expectations as a bridesmaid are and share with her what you would like to get out of the experience. It's a big honor to be in someone's wedding, and one that comes with responsibility. If she doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your line. Explain to her that weddings are very expensive and you could really use that money. Ask her to set a date by which she believes she can pay you back, and ask her to stick to that goal. Ultimately, don't hand over her dress till she pays you.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, get over yourself. People with your attitude have problems because they treat relationship like dirt and wonder why people are ignoring them. Gah, I recall my statement about Bridezilla of the month, you by far take the wedding cake.</div>

Muffin'sMom · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:4235fdd2-f750-4b95-ad8f-f5b3e9168a6b">Re: problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I am really getting sick of people who post garbage that bridesmaids have no obligation to help you do anything. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid IS a big responsibility, that's why people ask their friends to fulfill that role, because they are agreeing to help. Ignore the other poster. Your friend is not coming through for you. I think you are well within your rights to sit down and have a conversation with her. Don't be too confrontational, because this girl will likely be at your wedding, and you don't want extra tension or drama, but maybe just sit down and ask her what her expectations as a bridesmaid are and share with her what you would like to get out of the experience. It's a big honor to be in someone's wedding, and one that comes with responsibility. If she doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your line. Explain to her that weddings are very expensive and you could really use that money. Ask her to set a date by which she believes she can pay you back, and ask her to stick to that goal. Ultimately, don't hand over her dress till she pays you.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

Wow. That's all...just wow. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-sealed.gif" border="0" alt="Sealed" title="Sealed" />

PeonyPrincesskdd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:4235fdd2-f750-4b95-ad8f-f5b3e9168a6b">Re: problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I am really getting sick of people who post garbage that bridesmaids have no obligation to help you do anything. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid IS a big responsibility, that's why people ask their friends to fulfill that role, because they are agreeing to help. Ignore the other poster. Your friend is not coming through for you. I think you are well within your rights to sit down and have a conversation with her. Don't be too confrontational, because this girl will likely be at your wedding, and you don't want extra tension or drama, but maybe just sit down and ask her what her expectations as a bridesmaid are and share with her what you would like to get out of the experience. It's a big honor to be in someone's wedding, and one that comes with responsibility. If she doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your line. Explain to her that weddings are very expensive and you could really use that money. Ask her to set a date by which she believes she can pay you back, and ask her to stick to that goal. Ultimately, don't hand over her dress till she pays you.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

You can't just choose your bridesmaid based on which friend makes the most money or who they think is best at throwing showers.

For example, if your very best friend in the world is a college student with a very busy schedule, you should be understand and you should still have her as a bridesmaid because she is your very best friend and you would want her up there with you at the alter when you get married.

You can't just say "Oh well, she can't be my bridesmaid because she doesn't have the time to devote for doing this, this and this for me. This is why it is not required for a bridesmaid to devote so much time and effort into planning, esp if she has a busy schedule of her own. Her world can't go on hault just so she can plan the wedding.

Another example is your sister has 3 kids and is very busy and tight on money as well. A good sister would have her as her MOH and not be like, "Well she can't be my MOH because she has no money to throw me a shower or bachelorette or buy such and such for me. Really, your supposed to have your closest people be there by your side, no matter what their life situation is.

Being a bridesmaid does not mean that they are agreeing to help plan a wedding and do all the chores and duties for the bride. There are no expectations of a bridesmaid. Bride is not a boss to tell her bridesmaids exactly what to do.

Bridesmaids can volunteer and help out if they wish, but she shouldn't feel like they are forced and obligated and required to do so. It is wrong to hand them a list and say, "These are your duties".

A bride should be more understand for bridesmaids who may have a busy work schedule/family life/other nonwedding related events going on in their life and realize that they can't drop everything just for the bride.

deepcovejackie · July 2010

Briawna-Go back and re-read your "Disaster! Help!" thread. You're just as wrong here as you were there. You need to listen to what people keep telling you.

deepcovejackie · July 2010

I'm afraid she's not listening, CMGr.

Ennoid · July 2010

I think I gave the wrong impression of my bridesmaid, while all of that is true about her I can NOT picture getting married without her by my side. We have been there for each other since I was 5. True I feel like she should pay me for her dress if she has the money. And I don't think she should be so pushy about things. However I have not said much to her about this stuff because I value her friendship. Even though I was asking for suggestions on how to handle this I was mainly venting. For some reason I was very stressed over wedding stuff yesterday. I think I will not say anything to her about paying for the dress and just be thankful she is going to be there with me on my wedding day. If she pays me great and if not the it will still be worth every penny of the dress to have her there. Thanks for all your helpful replies!

deepcovejackie · July 2010

Ennoid--awesome. Have a great wedding day with your friend. You put your friendship first, which rocks.

trix1223 · July 2010

Enoid: **standing ovation** for you. Well done!

AutumnFair · July 2010

Awesome to hear Ennoid! My best friend paid for one her BMs dresses, she didn't pay her back and even though it kind of annoyed her she just put it passed her since it wasn't worth damaging a friendship.

joiner521 · July 2010

Sounds like she is jealous to me and wishes it was her day.

jkitchin92473 · July 2010

I would have to say that friendship needs to come first when you ask someone to be a bridesmaid. I think its nice when your wedding party offers to help with things but if they dont they dont.....Your wedding is not thier responsability..you decided to get married and its your day to plan. bridesmaids are there to support you not be your slaves!

My bridesmaids gave me advice and have helped picking out thier dresses...other then that they will be thier on my special weekend to support me and look beautiful! Thats all that matters!!!

MarieGillespie · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_problem-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a59a387a-84df-4a23-ba80-f9fe363f7a3cPost:4235fdd2-f750-4b95-ad8f-f5b3e9168a6b">Re: problem with Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I am really getting sick of people who post garbage that bridesmaids have no obligation to help you do anything. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid IS a big responsibility, that's why people ask their friends to fulfill that role, because they are agreeing to help. Ignore the other poster. Your friend is not coming through for you. I think you are well within your rights to sit down and have a conversation with her. Don't be too confrontational, because this girl will likely be at your wedding, and you don't want extra tension or drama, but maybe just sit down and ask her what her expectations as a bridesmaid are and share with her what you would like to get out of the experience. It's a big honor to be in someone's wedding, and one that comes with responsibility. If she doesn't feel comfortable with that responsibility, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your line. Explain to her that weddings are very expensive and you could really use that money. Ask her to set a date by which she believes she can pay you back, and ask her to stick to that goal. Ultimately, don't hand over her dress till she pays you.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

Bravo! Well said, I completely agree!

problem with Bridesmaid

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