Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?

jessi3385 · March 2012

My husband and I couldnt afford a dream wedding, or even a budget wedding so we had a courthouse wedding which I dreaded but we had to. I wanted to be married to him but couldnt afford the party so to speak so thats what we did. We thought about having a regular wedding a few years down the road for a renewal of the vows. Is that bad? Or improper? I mean, we arent looking for gifts or anything for this one, but more like just the experience we both wanted in having a wedding. I want to be walked down the aisle and you know, a traditional wedding.I feel sad when I see my friends and their wedding photos like I missed out. I dont regret marrying him whatsoever but want to be a bride!! So is it uncuth to have that for a vow renewal in a few years? .

vsgal · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_is-it-wrong-to-have-a-regular-wedding-for-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:9c78d773-49c4-472f-9083-7ac342cb2d8bPost:16ea7b33-6fc9-44b4-8712-030a604a8118">Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I couldnt afford a dream wedding, or even a budget wedding so we had a courthouse wedding which I dreaded but we had to. I wanted to be married to him but couldnt afford the party so to speak so thats what we did. We thought about having a regular wedding a few years down the road for a renewal of the vows. Is that bad? Or improper? I mean, we arent looking for gifts or anything for this one, but more like just the experience we both wanted in having a wedding. I want to be walked down the aisle and you know, a traditional wedding.I feel sad when I see my friends and their wedding photos like I missed out. I dont regret marrying him whatsoever but want to be a bride!! So is it uncuth to have that for a vow renewal in a few years? .
Posted by jessi3385[/QUOTE]

Getting married is an adult act. You made a decision to have the courthouse wedding. The consequenses of that decision is that you don't get the perfect, pretty princess day. You gave that option up. Having a vow renewal just so you can experience all the crap that the wedding industry force feeds you is silly at this point. You are married. You get one wedding, unless you divorce or widow. You can't be a bride now. That time has passed. It is a waste of money. Use that money and go on a fantastic trip or put it in your retirement or college funds. You did not miss out on anything. You should feel good that you did not drop a crap ton of money on a one-day party.

Be happy you are married. Don't forget that beyond the chair covers, favors, first dances, showers, dresses and dinner, having that piece of paper signed is the most important thing of the day. You have that.

kmmssg · March 2012

I'm curious - when did you get married? Your bio says you got married last month, you have previous posts asking all kinds of questions about registries and STD, etc. and that your wedding date is Sept 29th of this year.

There is a big difference in my eyes between a "re-do" wedding and a vow renewal. It sounds to me like you want a re-do so you can experience all the things you chose not to do when you got married.

Also, please be mindful of how you refer to JOP weddings. Many girls here chose to go the JOP route and those are real weddings that were embraced, not dreaded.

Vow renewals are smaller and held at milestone anniversaries. They don't have STD's, registries, and all the elements of a wedding. You don't have people buy dresses and stand as BM's, you don't have showers, etc. You are renewing your vows in a far more understated fashion.

Back to my original question - when did you guys get married?

Gabrielle76 · March 2012

It's not that it's wrong, it's just completely impossible. At a 'regular' wedding, two people who are deeply in love promise to love each other for the rest of their lives, and become husband and wife. That's true weather it's done with two witnesses in jeans at the courthouse, or at a French cathedral while a 20 piece band plays here comes the bride. What type of wedding to have is a very personal choice, and some couples wait years to save enough money for their dream wedding. You made the decision to be married asap rather than postpone and postpone to have a pretty princess day.

You were a bride on the day that you two got married at the courthouse, and I bet you were a radiant one, weather or not you wore a veil and wedding dress. If, in 10 or 20 years, you two want to celebrate your time together with a vow renewal, go ahead, but don't use it as an excuse to 're-do' a perfectly good wedding.

mizutamababy · March 2012

Think of it this way. I lost my virginity and first did the deed b/c I felt pressured to. It was a bit regretable, yes. But no amount of pretending would have made me a virgin again.

We all have to live with our choices. Sames goes with a wedding. You can divorce and get remarried, but you're only truly a bride once. The only way you get a do-over without it being a faux pas is if you get divorced and marry someone else, or you become a widow and remarry.

LoisLane007 · March 2012

The PPs are right.If you want a white dress and a tux for your renewal, sure you can do that. But the hoopla of the dancing and all eyes on you will be weird for anyone you invite.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_is-it-wrong-to-have-a-regular-wedding-for-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:9c78d773-49c4-472f-9083-7ac342cb2d8bPost:bcee6a39-1a66-4e91-8055-172a5261ad01">Re: Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm curious - when did you get married? Your bio says you got married last month, you have previous posts asking all kinds of questions about registries and STD, etc. and that your wedding date is Sept 29th of this year. There is a big difference in my eyes between a "re-do" wedding and a vow renewal. It sounds to me like you want a re-do so you can experience all the things you chose not to do when you got married. Also, please be mindful of how you refer to JOP weddings. Many girls here chose to go the JOP route and those are real weddings that were embraced, not dreaded. Vow renewals are smaller and held at milestone anniversaries. They don't have STD's, registries, and all the elements of a wedding. You don't have people buy dresses and stand as BM's, you don't have showers, etc. You are renewing your vows in a far more understated fashion. Back to my original question - when did you guys get married?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This. Anything else seems awkward ang gift grabby. :(

acaponi87 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_is-it-wrong-to-have-a-regular-wedding-for-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:9c78d773-49c4-472f-9083-7ac342cb2d8bPost:8a984f79-05bc-420e-bd8a-ceb7d75454c9">Re: Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Think of it this way. I lost my virginity and first did the deed b/c I felt pressured to. It was a bit regretable, yes. But no amount of pretending would have made me a virgin again. We all have to live with our choices. Sames goes with a wedding. You can divorce and get remarried, but you're only truly a bride once. The only way you get a do-over without it being a faux pas is if you get divorced and marry someone else, or you become a widow and remarry.
Posted by mizutamababy[/QUOTE]

I love this. Great way of putting it.

jessi3385 · March 2012

No, I dont want gifts and all that. Not necessarily a traditional wedding. We got married at the courthouse because I needed his medical insurance for personal reasons and of course I wanted the marriage above all else. I just feel like I missed out on the celebration. My bio hasn't been updated in a long time, I apologize. His parents are also catholic and feel we should get married in a church regardless so I am stuck with trying to figure out what to do. I guess if they want the church to bless our wedding as they put it, they can pay for it. I dont think I'd make a huge deal out of it with save the dates and registries but something intimate. I also dont think JOP marriages are bad, but I did not like it at all for myself. Im entitled to feel that way. Because of the rush we didn't get to involve family and we are looking for the chance to do so. It may not be a traditional wedding but it will be something.

mizutamababy · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_is-it-wrong-to-have-a-regular-wedding-for-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:9c78d773-49c4-472f-9083-7ac342cb2d8bPost:b5e4f515-e4ff-47df-a9d1-93675fc72bd8">Re: Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]His parents are also catholic and feel we should get married in a church regardless so I am stuck with trying to figure out what to do. I guess if they want the church to bless our wedding as they put it, they can pay for it. I dont think I'd make a huge deal out of it with save the dates and registries but something intimate. I also dont think JOP marriages are bad, but I did not like it at all for myself. Im entitled to feel that way. Because of the rush we didn't get to involve family and we are looking for the chance to do so. It may not be a traditional wedding but it will be something.
Posted by jessi3385[/QUOTE]

This changes things quite a bit, then. In the eyes of the church you aren't married yet, therefore you can have a ceremony and reception celebrating your union. I still wouldn't register and yes, STDs might be a little much. Just send out the invitation and those who can attend will.

I think it would be a bit strange to wait a long time before doing this, though... Preferably you would want to do it within the year you were married at the courthouse. I would keep the reception very low key if I were in your place, too.

I don't think your in laws are responsible for paying if you both choose to go this route. I'm also not sure if churches will do this if you aren't a practicing Catholic, either.

artbyallie · March 2012

A convalidation in the Catholic Church is not the same as a wedding. Most priests will not allow you to have all the trappings of a wedding at a convalidation ceremony. The ladies on the Catholic Weddings board can explain better if this is the route you're going.

But in general, it is the consensus around here that pretending to be a bride when you're already married is in poor taste. We call those PPDs, Pretty Princess Days.

mattycam · March 2012

If you are going to have a vow renewal, I would wait until you hit a milestone like 10 years +.

vikingmom806 · March 2012

I completely understand and in many ways, agree with what a lot of the PPs have said. You really are only a bride once, BUT, if this is something really, really important to you, a small, intimate ceremony and celebration with family and a few close friends (especially with the new religious information you just provided) would probably be okay. In the end, it's your decision to make. You just don't want to send the wrong kind of message, such as you're just doing it to look pretty for a day, or receive gifts.

Unfortunately, just be prepared either way for people to voice their disapproval.

Regardless, you're married, and that's the most important thing!

vikingmom806 · March 2012

Oh, forgot to add.

I had a friend who married a man in the Navy. She moved out to the East Coast in June to be with him, and for religious reasons, had a quick JOP ceremony (it might have been a chaplain, I'm not quite sure) out there before they started living together.

Then, in December, they had a HUGE full ceremony and reception with the white dress, tuxedos, bridal party, DJ, cake, etc., etc., etc. back home in the midwest. It was fairly soon afterwards, and since none of the family could be at the original ceremony, I guess it wasn't weird for them.

Overall, it's probably not the technically correct thing to do, and I'm not saying I endorse it, but people do it... You should definitely take into consideration what's considered acceptable in your social circle, and with who you'd want to invite, etc.

nicolej518 · March 2012

Do whatever makes you happy.

renee2012 · March 2012

we did the same thing for the same reason. we got married July 2011 and are now able to plan the wedding we intended to have this Sept. so far no one is acting funny about anything. my girls want to throw me a shower and do the "bachelorette" party. i have done save the dates because we chose a Friday date, so the only differences are the wording of the invites and how our pastor officiates the ceremony.

good luck! and congrats!

Kelli7025 · March 2012

There is a girl I went to high school with who has been married for a year because they couldnt afford the whole big wedding day thing. Her family was there to witness the marriage. She is now planning her "wedding" since they have saved a little money. She just posted on facebook about how time consuming it was making the favors for her bridal shower. I cringe everytime I read any thing about her wedding. You dont get a big huge wedding when you are already married. IMO, its ridiculous.

The only time I see it as remotely acceptable is for military brides who did not or could not have family and friends there and had to rush because of being deployed or stationed far away. Not because you rushed into it for medical benefits. Sorry.

Peapod2 · March 2012

I disagree with a lot of the previous posts. You do what you like for a vow renewal!

Just do it in good taste. Don't make it a huge, fancy wedding.

If his parents are pushing for a church wedding, then follow the guidelines of the church for that aspect, and maybe just have family members there to witness.

Wear a dress you love, but don't make it a big white dress, and definitely no veil.

Have a party afterward if you like, just tone down the "wedding" feel of it. (And quietly put the word out that you don't want gifts, but NOT on the invitiations.)

Take photos with your families. Make it a day to remember.

sammygrl · March 2012

Well, I bet most or even all of that advice was given by those girls who were happy with their nuptials, etc. I will tell you that if you want to go for it and have the wedding you missed out on YOU DO IT! I am having the wedding I did not get 25 years ago. And, my daddy is paying. I get this once in a lifetime opportunity for a redo because the people in my life want me to be happy and don't think I am weird at all. We are not asking for gifts, just happy wishes for 25 more years. I guess it is about you and the people you love and what you want.

jlrowell · March 2012

Whoa whoa whoa, I don't understand all the hostility on here! I think it would be perfectly fine to have a big vow renewal. People have big to-do's all the time with vow renewals to celebrate anniversAries. I think maybe what people are trying to say on here is that it won't be exactly the same feeling since you're already married. But I think a lot of people don't really have the money right away to have the wedding that they wanted, and that certainly doesn't mean that you can't have it down the road when it's financially viable. You already said you wouldn't be expecting registry gifts or anything, you could have pretty much every other element of a wedding included in your vow renewal (though I think people may still want to get you something). Our original plan was to have the wedding our parents were willing to give us (which I was thoroughly grateful for) but we decided to wait and do it the way we wanted. With that being said, I totally understand your situation and If I were in different circumstances I would have gone to the courthouse too and had a big ceremony and party later. The people who love you will understand! Some people don't want a huge wedding, but it sounds like you regret not having one. You do what you want with your money and your life, and people always love a party! Remember it's your day (no matter when it actually happens) and you can do whatever the he'll you want!

aerith515 · March 2012

First of all, why do you care what the people on here think?? What does your FAMILY think about a big vow renewal party?? They are the ones you have to worry about.
We are going to the JOP this June, and next June, on the exact same date, we are having the party and stating our vows in front of family and friends. I was freaking out when I read all the negative stuff about it on here, but then I talked to my family, and they understand why and are soooo supportive and happy to help.
We are not registering, we are not having parties, or asking for gifts.
And we both have kids from other people, I'm a stay at home mom because our 3 children have 3 different school schedules, and my FH could not claim us because the tax laws changed, even though he's the one who has been there.
And as I said, my family is totally ok with it and they are just so happy for us both. So stop worrying about all the people you will NEVER meet, and just do what works for you. Every situation is different, and you will never please everyone, so stop trying. Just do what makes you happy.

stbernard33 · March 2012

I don't understand why people are being so negative about this either. My husband and I got married a few months ago because he is in the Navy and it was our best option at the time. We are planning on having a small ceremony and reception with our closest family and friends (about 80 people are on the invite list compared to our original 300) to celebrate our union because we are currently stationed in SC while they are all in IN. We're not trying to make it like a wedding, as we are already married, but it's not like a vow renewal either. We are planning on having our own personalized vows because we weren't able to do that when we got legally married and it's a very important aspect to us. Both of us know that not everyone understands our situation, but those that do and care the most are the ones that are on the invite list and those that will join us, as we just want to be able to have a time to celebrate with them. This time of celebration won't include a registry as we feel that it's unnecessary and inconsiderate, and the wording of the ceremony, invitations, and the like will be adjusted to fit the occasion. For us the most important part of any wedding (aside from us being married) is the ability to be surrounded with friends and family who love you and want to celebrate with you and join you in this journey of your lives together. So not only will this ceremony and reception be a time to share with them, thank them for their support and love, but it will also be a time for us to all gather in joy and love before the Navy possibly calls us overseas or elsewhere away from our friends and family. All this aside, your ceremony (whatever you may or may not include that would typically be a part of a wedding or a vow renewal) is your ceremony and should be customized to your desires while keeping in mind the key essentials and knowing that because you are already married not all aspects of a typical wedding should happen. STDs and registries would be two things that could go, but if you are planning a non-Saturday wedding why not do a STD, I wouldn't see anything wrong with that. In the end, your friends and family that really care will understand and will be there to celebrate with you instead of standing on the outside critiquing or condoning what you decide to do because sometimes life hands us situations that call for us to take alternate routes, and they should recognize that.

stbernard33 · March 2012

I don't understand why people are being so negative about this either. My husband and I got married a few months ago because he is in the Navy and it was our best option at the time. We are planning on having a small ceremony and reception with our closest family and friends (about 80 people are on the invite list compared to our original 300) to celebrate our union because we are currently stationed in SC while they are all in IN. We're not trying to make it like a wedding, as we are already married, but it's not like a vow renewal either. We are planning on having our own personalized vows because we weren't able to do that when we got legally married and it's a very important aspect to us. Both of us know that not everyone understands our situation, but those that do and care the most are the ones that are on the invite list and those that will join us, as we just want to be able to have a time to celebrate with them. This time of celebration won't include a registry as we feel that it's unnecessary and inconsiderate, and the wording of the ceremony, invitations, and the like will be adjusted to fit the occasion. For us the most important part of any wedding (aside from us being married) is the ability to be surrounded with friends and family who love you and want to celebrate with you and join you in this journey of your lives together. So not only will this ceremony and reception be a time to share with them, thank them for their support and love, but it will also be a time for us to all gather in joy and love before the Navy possibly calls us overseas or elsewhere away from our friends and family. All this aside, your ceremony (whatever you may or may not include that would typically be a part of a wedding or a vow renewal) is your ceremony and should be customized to your desires while keeping in mind the key essentials and knowing that because you are already married not all aspects of a typical wedding should happen. STDs and registries would be two things that could go, but if you are planning a non-Saturday wedding why not do a STD, I wouldn't see anything wrong with that. In the end, your friends and family that really care will understand and will be there to celebrate with you instead of standing on the outside critiquing or condoning what you decide to do because sometimes life hands us situations that call for us to take alternate routes, and they should recognize that.

b00b0031 · March 2012

I think its GREAT to have a huge bash for your vow renewal!!! My husband and I are having one in May! The whole shebang!!! We also did the JOP wedding and have been married for 10 years. So now for our 10 year anniversary we are getting baptized and are having the big deal! and I am soooooo excited!!! which I can imagine you will be too I got the beautiful white dress, the church, and the reception hall!!! and all of our family and frends feel privilaged to a part of something so wonderful! The fact that we want to share our ongoing love for eachother with our family, children, and friends, is an inspiration for other couples. So go big and enjoy yourself! just because your already married doesn't mean you can't have your dream ceremony! Share your Love!!!

shannonc321 · March 2012

Wow, people. Why so hostile? I think it is perfectly fine to do what you're planning and people will understand especially in this economy.

My husband and I are planning the same thing next year. We got married on Valentine's Day this year while he was home on leave with just a few people and are planning a big church wedding for next year after he's back from Afghanistan. It's pretty comon among military couples but there's no reason why anybody can't do it that way.
So have your big wedding just how you like it and ignore all these negative people on here! Good luck and enjoy!

shoelover1 · March 2012

I have a feeling no one here is invited to your wedding, haha. We are not the people who love you and wish the best for you. [Although I totally wish everyone the happiness I've experienced as a newlywed.] If you want to have your moment, you should. This is totally a personal decision. I might get flamed from some since this isn't right 'etiquitte,' but if this is what you and your husband want--to celebrate your union together with friends and family and dancing, go for it! It doesn't matter what any of us think =]

That being said, you may get some snarky comments from guests or friends or 'friends of friends.' Just make sure you are honest with the people you love and invite as to why you are doing this and what it means to you. The people who truly love and care about you guys will probably be happy to celebrate this with you!

Best of luck!

lenergyrlah · March 2012

I don't think it's a problem to throw a big party to celebrate your and your husband's union (these parties are usually referred to as weddings). Some people regret having a JOP wedding and throw a big party later; others regret having a big white wedding and throw a small low-key party with their close friends later.

I don't think it's an insult to any JOP bride for you to say that you dreaded it. I'm dreading my big white wedding (I hate being the center of attention) but that's not insulting to anyone else.

However if you have bridal showers, a bachelorette party, etc. some people might think it's weird. It's entirely your choice though. I think everyone should get to celebrate their union to someone else, whether it's before or after the wedding (or not a legal wedding at all!)

RealHappyGal · March 2012

I too am getting married this year with plans for a SHA-BANGGG!! next year and I dont give a FLYING HOOT what any1 on here says. We are having a simple ceremony and brunch of 35 people this year, buying a house in the winter and next summer (1 day apart) we will have a huge party at the house. A few things will be different:

1. Simple short white/ivory dress w/no veil
2. Gonna do a circle of love instead of "walking down the aisle"
3. Wording from the pastor will be different (bless the marriage of.. not to unite)
4. We are intending on inviting any other married couples to join us to renew their vows with us at that time.
5. No first dance. We would have danced plenty of times between then and now.

The rest is a partay!

Good luck honey. Have a great second wedding to your husband. Do what you feel comfy with

renjon7798 · March 2012

Personal piece of advice...save your money. I went to the JOP for the ins because I found out I was preg and needed it. We were in the middle of planning out wedding and we figured we would just go ahead with the wedding. What was the big deal right? WRONG! Once my guests (dear friends and family) found out we were already married, they pretty much told me I was pretty rude for taking advantage of the situation and being "greedy" for wanting the wedding and gifts. It wasn't worth it at all. (of couse, that marriage ended in divorce, but still. If I had to do over again, I would have bought a car or taking a honeymoon.) Just please don't do it. You're married. Period.

melfacto · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_is-it-wrong-to-have-a-regular-wedding-for-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:9c78d773-49c4-472f-9083-7ac342cb2d8bPost:812b1678-ef01-4ecd-a27e-ec52c93ace0b">Re: Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it wrong to have a "regular" wedding for a vow renewal? : This changes things quite a bit, then. In the eyes of the church you aren't married yet, therefore you can have a ceremony and reception celebrating your union. I still wouldn't register and yes, STDs might be a little much. Just send out the invitation and those who can attend will. I think it would be a bit strange to wait a long time before doing this, though... Preferably you would want to do it within the year you were married at the courthouse. I would keep the reception very low key if I were in your place, too. I don't think your in laws are responsible for paying if you both choose to go this route. I'm also not sure if churches will do this if you aren't a practicing Catholic, either.
Posted by mizutamababy[/QUOTE]

FI's sister is getting married in Mexico on the beach we are all catholic, anyways, the priest has told her she is not married in the eyes of the church! That she must do a ceremony before she leaves for Mexico if she would like to have a sacramental marriage. So go for it :) of courseminus the gifts!

jmyers0410 · June 2012

I just have a few questions then ill tell you why i asked them.
1, is santa real?
2, do you believe in the easter bunny?
3, do you wear white after labor day?,
4, did you graduate college and start a fantastic career?
I know these sound random but these are some of the things society tells us its okay to believe in or have our kids believe in. or dead lines that are suppose to happen in order. well Guess WHAT life doesnt happen in order or the way we may think. Im a military spouse and due to my husband being deployed to iraq i didnt get to plan the wedding we wanted because since i wasnt already a spouse at the time they dont feel the need to update you on things going on. for security reasons. when my husband got home he got orders for a new duty assignment and we got married at the court house. Now 6 happy years and 4 deployments later were planning our Wedding and getting ready for an upcoming deployment to Afgan..... Of course i would have rathered had the wedding when i was 18.

All i can tell you is Society is always going to have a "Proper" way of doing things in an un proper world. If its important to you and your husband DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO! if any of your friends have an issue with that tell them they can happily decline to the invitation. After all you only want people to come who are truely happy for you and your husband. Less people that come means less people u have to pay to eat, drink and celebrate. People who mind dont matter and people who matter DONT MIND /> Happy Planning and Good luck to you and your husband. I Hope God bless you wil many happy years.

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