RENEWING OF THE VOWS

crystalmcgee00 · July 2011

ME AND MY HUSBAND GOT MARRIED AT THE COURT HOUSE AND WE DECIDED TO WAIT TILL OUR 5 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TO HAVE A WEDDING. I AM JUST WONDERING SHOULD I DO SOMETHING BIG. SHOULD IT BE JUST LIKE A REAL WEDDING OR SOMETHING SMALL SINCE WE BEEN MARRIED AND WE ARE JUST RENEWING OUR VOWS? THIS IS MY FIRST MARRIAGE BUT HIS 2ND. HE DONT CARE EITHER WAY BUT I DONT KNOW HOW RENEWALS ARE USUALLY DONE. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

cincychick35 · July 2011

Oh no, here we go again.....

ETA:Please keep in mind you are having a vow renewal and not a wedding re-do. Remember that. I would keep it small and intimate

mmhepb · July 2011

I would also like to remind you that in the internet world...

TYPING IN ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE SCREAMING AT US!!!

You can wear what you want, serve what you want, invite who you want. But please, no Bachelorette Parties (you're not a bachelorette), bridal showers (should throw that for yourself in a vow renewal or wedding), or calling it your "real wedding" as you had your real wedding 5 years ago, this would be your real vow renewal.

awayagain · July 2011

I THINK WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS PAGE CAMESHAR. SHE WANTS TO DO THE SAME THING. YOU GUYS COULD BE, LIKE, CEREMONY TWINS, YA KNOW?

shytownkelly · July 2011

Easy guys - she is actually asking for help in figuring out what is the right fit for her vow renewal. I don't think she is hell bent for leather like the one gal was.

OP - I think a vow renewal can be a lovely thing - if the focus is truly on the re-commitment to each other. Think about how to make that meaningful, and the rest of it will slide into place perfectly.

Good luck to you!

p.s. watch the caps lock - not only does it usually indicate yelling, it is also difficult to read.

handfast4me · July 2011

Oh my. I don't have the strength. Or a cap locks, apparently. LOL.

handfast4me · July 2011

And this is someone's AE, yes? Ok, fess up. I'm looking at YOU, yes YOU. (Wow, I do have a caps lock!)

And in the very slim chance that this is not an AE: OP, delete this account NOW. And then make up another without using your real name. Anyone can google your name and state and come up with information about you. I just did.

Sue-n-Kevin · July 2011

I agree with shytownkelly, imagine what it is you want to say about renewing your vows........are you celebrating a happy 5 years? Are you determined to make things better than they've been, so you are "recommitting"? Decide the purpose of the event, other than trying to have the wedding you wish you could have had years ago..........that can't really be "re-done".

I think you probably want to look at something more subdued than a full blown wedding, but yes, you could wear something white (not too bridey), your husband could wear a tux or nice suit, and you could offer your invited guests a nice dinner. Or, if it's more your style, you could have a party at your home...... it's entirely up to you.

right1thistime · July 2011

Crystal - If you and Amos want to celebrate your first 5 years, I say "Why not?". Go for the gusto girl. You should do it up large. How many showers have you gone to for your girls? It's time they forked it out for YOU. You deserve a big to-do. Every other girl gets her DAY, ykwim? Why not you? And since you are already married, I think that you should register for something that you really need. How about Visa giftcards? Or maybe just a plain old money tree. Isn't it important for you to be the center of attention, and to have a big ole show of a time? Of course it is. You were robbed of that experience when you didn't have a real wedding. I think you should plan it in detail and share your thoughts here with us.

right1thistime · July 2011

Yeah, all of you should be nice & supportive of crystal!

Marrin713 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_renewing-of-vows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:22f4dc20-6721-4b96-b91f-2c88b4638b81Post:ff3b028b-2a21-4bd4-b3f1-169ade71df68">Re: RENEWING OF THE VOWS</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, all of you should be nice & supportive of crystal!
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Yeah! <standing behind Donna and shaking fist at the "rest of you." /> ;)

WildMagelet · July 2011

My dad & my stepmom had a JOP wedding with all of their children present. For their 10-year anniversary they decided to have a vow renewal ceremony & anniversary party (they decided they'd do this before they had their JOP wedding). It was small & intimate and really nice. They rented out a lodge near where a lot of my dad's family lives.

I'm not sure what proper E is for this, but they:
- Did save the dates
- Did not do parties beforehand
- Did not register
- Asked for no gifts
- Did formal invitations
- Covered the cost of rooms for OOT guests
- Did their own, simple decorations
- Had a "In memory" poster
- Had a poster-style guestbook
- Catered the whole weekend, including open bar
- Dress up (She wore champagne floor-length gown, he wore a suit)
- Gave bouts & corsages to immediate family members
- Walked down the aisle together
- Had no WP
- Hired a photographer (who also took NWR photos of other families there)
- Had a simple ceremony, including a slideshow of friends & family
- Had a few cakes (no cake toppers or anything)
- Hired a DJ

cowgirlwants2rock · July 2011

I think I am going to enjoy my VR with a wedding because my wedding was put together in 2 weeks. We did not have much time or money for anything. So having a redo wedding really isnt really a bad thing. We are wanting everything to go right this time.

right1thistime · July 2011

See, I am NOT anti- vow renewal. I think that there are times and places and situations for it. A milestone anniversary, for a couple whose circumstances led them to choose to have a simple wedding, that works. Any reason to throw a party, right? And truly, if the party is about hosting a celebration with loved ones, what's not to love?
What I get feisty about is (a) entitlement (b) deception (c) greed (d) not accepting that there are consequences to your decisions-- that "I want to get married right now instead of waiting and saving and planning. But I still want the rewards of waiting and saving and planning, so I'll have that too." ~Donna

Lisa50 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_renewing-of-vows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:22f4dc20-6721-4b96-b91f-2c88b4638b81Post:e12e618a-e537-469a-9e09-b51ac0480315">Re: RENEWING OF THE VOWS</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I am going to enjoy my VR with a wedding because my wedding was put together in 2 weeks. We did not have much time or money for anything. So having a redo wedding really isnt really a bad thing. We are wanting everything to go right this time.
Posted by cowgirlwants2rock[/QUOTE]

Seriously??

cowgirlwants2rock · July 2011

Yeah seriously we want it to be special. Our wedding did not go over to well the first time so we waited for 8 years to redo. So I do think it is alright for a redo.

handfast4me · July 2011

So, cowgirl, you want a pretty pretty princess day, because you missed it the first time? And what, praytell, do you mean by "it didn't go over well"?

cowgirlwants2rock · August 2011

Well I got everything is coming into place real good. Already got the ideas of the flower girl dresses and started the bridesmaid dresses ready. The guys got theirs outfit ready and the center pieses is in my head of what I want. Sunflowers and mason jars.

dannyswife2013 · August 2011

Isn't being married two, three, or four times the ULTIMATE DO-OVER? I mean when the original vows are said you are committing "til death do us part". Then you have realized that he isn't the one so you get divorced and get married again, and again, and maybe again. Then have the gall to lecture people that are sticking it out and being true to their vows about what kind of ceremony they should have and what is tacky etc. Please, people living in glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones. Instead of having your second weddings, and getting the love and support from your family and friends that you somehow think you all deserve, but us idiots that have stayed married somehow don't, you should work on your marriages the first time! I came here for advice and am leaving shaking my head and laughing at the hypocrisy! I can't believe someone just lectured another on "accepting consequences" of not doing it right the first time on a second wedding board!!! Priceless! I have no problem with you all getting married until you get it right. Why would you begrudge and belittle others for recommitting and celebrating love with their spouse? I say if anybody should have a party and celebrate it is those of us married for any significant amount of time. That is a huge accomplishment in this day and age, and something you yourselfs have not been able to achieve. The rudeness of you on this subjuect is baffling to me when I am sure you get negative comments about your "second marriages". Oh, I forgot you are entitled because it's a different person.

shytownkelly · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_renewing-of-vows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:22f4dc20-6721-4b96-b91f-2c88b4638b81Post:c55f054d-faed-4904-929d-a0c27e1ed668">Re: RENEWING OF THE VOWS</a>:
[QUOTE]Isn't being married two, three, or four times the ULTIMATE DO-OVER? I mean when the original vows are said you are committing "til death do us part". Then you have realized that he isn't the one so you get divorced and get married again, and again, and maybe again. Then have the gall to lecture people that are sticking it out and being true to their vows about what kind of ceremony they should have and what is tacky etc. Please, people living in glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones. Instead of having your second weddings, and getting the love and support from your family and friends that you somehow think you all deserve, but us idiots that have stayed married somehow don't, you should work on your marriages the first time! I came here for advice and am leaving shaking my head and laughing at the hypocrisy! I can't believe someone just lectured another on "accepting consequences" of not doing it right the first time on a second wedding board!!! Priceless! I have no problem with you all getting married until you get it right. Why would you begrudge and belittle others for recommitting and celebrating love with their spouse? I say if anybody should have a party and celebrate it is those of us married for any significant amount of time. That is a huge accomplishment in this day and age, and something you yourselfs have not been able to achieve. The rudeness of you on this subjuect is baffling to me when I am sure you get negative comments about your "second marriages". Oh, I forgot you are entitled because it's a different person.
Posted by dannyswife2013[/QUOTE]

Well yes - those of us that divorced our "wonderful" ex husbands are definitely she-devils.

BUT may I ask - how do you feel about the ladies that come here that have lost their previous husbands to Death???? Way to be sensitive!

Listen - before you come in here spouting all kinds of crap (and dredging up a dead thread) you should take a deep breath.

We aren't condeming these women for wanting to celebrate their marriages or re-commit themselves to their husbands - what we condem is the "ME ME ME ME" aspects of a "re-do Pretty Princess Day".

Renewal ceremonies can be very lovely - but when you (collective you) are doing it because "I didn't get to wear the big white dress"??? and you plan it for within the first year of marriage? COME ON.

Actually I've got a great idea - I'll be setting up a new business to be a vow renewal planner. These women want to flush money down the drain in order to celebrate themselves - I'm going to be happy to charge them a 20% commission to "help them plan".

Thanks and have a lovely day.

dannyswife2013 · August 2011

Well, I think my reference in my original post to "til death do us part" covers the widow aspect. But nice try in questioning my compassion. I'm guessing though there are quite a few of you (collective of course) that just have buyers remorse and are now taking a second bite.

I never called anybody a she-devil. It takes two people to enter a marriage and it takes two people to end a marriage. Hey, that is your business. The problem I have is the judging and preaching about ettiquette that some of you do, and then going ahead and planning your second, and third weddings like virgin brides. Then turning around and lecturing someone about "a do over, living with the consequences, just wanting gifts etc." Please! My family and friends would much rather celebrate our 20 years of marriage again with us than my remarriage to my 2nd or 3rd "soulmate".

I think you have to accept that there is a definate "ME,ME,ME" aspect to expecting family and friends to accept that you are finally getting it right this time, and you need an elaborate party to seal the deal. Again, I'm not judging you I think you should do whatever you please. I just think that if you want to judge and criticize others than you should take a look at your own situation and motivation. If it's about the committment and the vows than you don't need a "do over either".

I was actually thinking of opening my own wedding planning business. I'm gonna call it "Second Bite" and I will have a lawyer on retainer so that it can be a one stop shop type of deal. 50% off when Mr. Right suddenly turns into Mr. Not So Wonderful "again". Thus avoiding your own flushing of money down the toilet!

Lastly, I didn't know there was a statute of limitations on threads and responding to them. Don't they usually go into the archive when responses are no longer welcome? Like I said I came here for advice and was shocked by the responses on here by women that should know not everything goes exactly the way you want it, for WHATEVER reasons, the first time around!

You have a Lovely day also!!

shytownkelly · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_renewing-of-vows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:22f4dc20-6721-4b96-b91f-2c88b4638b81Post:27bb4fc3-05e9-4cd9-b4bd-a2a46ab65df9">Re: RENEWING OF THE VOWS</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I think my reference in my original post to "til death do us part" covers the widow aspect. But nice try in questioning my compassion. I'm guessing though there are quite a few of you (collective of course) that just have buyers remorse and are now taking a second bite. I never called anybody a she-devil. It takes two people to enter a marriage and it takes two people to end a marriage. Hey, that is your business. The problem I have is the judging and preaching about ettiquette that some of you do, and then going ahead and planning your second, and third weddings like virgin brides. Then turning around and lecturing someone about "a do over, living with the consequences, just wanting gifts etc." Please! My family and friends would much rather celebrate our 20 years of marriage again with us than my remarriage to my 2nd or 3rd "soulmate". I think you have to accept that there is a definate "ME,ME,ME" aspect to expecting family and friends to accept that you are finally getting it right this time, and you need an elaborate party to seal the deal. Again, I'm not judging you I think you should do whatever you please. I just think that if you want to judge and criticize others than you should take a look at your own situation and motivation. If it's about the committment and the vows than you don't need a "do over either". I was actually thinking of opening my own wedding planning business. I'm gonna call it "Second Bite" and I will have a lawyer on retainer so that it can be a one stop shop type of deal. 50% off when Mr. Right suddenly turns into Mr. Not So Wonderful "again". Thus avoiding your own flushing of money down the toilet! Lastly, I didn't know there was a statute of limitations on threads and responding to them. Don't they usually go into the archive when responses are no longer welcome? Like I said I came here for advice and was shocked by the responses on here by women that should know not everything goes exactly the way you want it, for WHATEVER reasons, the first time around! You have a Lovely day also!!
Posted by dannyswife2013[/QUOTE]

Nope - you're right there is no statute of limitations on threads. I guess we had just beat this one into the ground already - if you'd like to discuss further that's fine.

I am bothered by your assumptions about our exHusbands. You claim you aren't judging us - yet you assume that we've all declared them ALL to be our "soulmates". Your words imply an unfair judgement. "Buyer's Remorse" that's harsh in my opinion.

And the bit about having a lawyer for your planning business - cute idea. As if ANYONE goes into marriage planning on it ending. I certainly hope you never have to make the decision to leave your husband because as many of us can attest to - it is NEVER an easy decision.

You've also made some assumptions about the weddings we have had. I think it is fair to say we've had the full gamut over here - of the full on ceremony/reception all the way to JOPs. But "Virgin Brides" REALLY? that's a bit of a stretch.

You might be right - friends and families truly want to celebrate a 20 year marriage. But I can tell you that MY friends and family were very happy to celebrate my second marriage - you know why? Because they were the ones that supported me as I was miserable in my failing marriage. To see me happy again from the inside out? Why would anyone who loves me begrudge me that? (and our wedding wasn't ME ME ME. it was US US US.)

I didn't see your post about needing help planning a vow renewal for your 20th anniversary - did I miss it? All I saw was you coming in here blasting us for having an opinion. (and if you go back thru this thread - you'll see my original post was actually in AGREEMENT with the OP on how she could have a lovely and meaningful vow renewal.)

Have a nice weekend.

dannyswife2013 · August 2011

Why would I post anything here asking for help in planning a renewal? I came here and began reading about a year ago and was in SHOCK over the responses I was seeing and not only the responses, but yes, the HARSHNESS of some of them. You (collectively of course) have made it clear that it's not an appropriate topic. I then came back a year later thinking maybe It was just me and I was misreading the vibe. Nope, still on your collective high horses, as if you have ANY reason to be. My daughters could not understand what they were reading either. They were excited and proud until they started reading. They said it was like bullies on a message board! LMAO! It was after I thought about it for a few days that I decided I needed to get this off my chest.

Like I said things sometimes don't work out for WHATEVER the reasons. Whether it's a horrible spouse or lack of money to do it the way you may have liked the 1st time ( you all seem to begrudge others a renewal if it is based on this reason). It makes no sense to me at all why. Like I said you all should know better than anyone it doesn't always go as planned.

I'm sorry but I don't understand the confusion about me saying your spouse should be your "soulmate". He should be and if he isn't why the hell are you marrying him.
And yes I do think some people go into marriages thinking if it doesn't work I'll just end it. Thus the out of control divorce rate.

Great I'm happy your friends and family want to see you happay "again". So do the families of everyone that comes here looking for help on a site published and advertised in every bridal magazine on the rack. I'm sure they are thrilled to have judgemental martyrs like you ruining the experience for others. Just remember everyone has a story and yours isn't the most important or interesting.

Lastly, if you were in agreement with the OP I wasn't talking to YOU in the first place! I'll be moving on now. My 18 years of marriage and counting have made me judgemental and harsh apparently. If you can dish it out be willing to take it!

Good Luck!

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