Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?

katie312 · January 2010

I am the first of all of my close friends to get married (I'm 22, getting married right after college). I've been having trouble with 3 of my 6 bridesmaids, I feel like they don't understand that (please excuse the phrasing) it's my day! My oringinal color idea was different shades of pink. None of them were willing to wear pink so I've already been bullied by them into choosing navy with a pink accent so they can have navy dresses instead.

I tried to be nice and take a few of them to look at bridesmaid dresses with me. It was a nightmare, they were checking price tags and would only get excited about dresses that were less than $100 and skanky. I just gave up and took my little sister (MOH) and my mom to try on dresses and picked a somewhat conservative one that we liked. None of the other girls like this dress because they can't wear it again (it's $130) and they've made their opinions known. I am so mad about this! No one is just going with what I want

I even tried to take their opinions into account, 2 of them are flat as a board and wanted rouching and straps on top, which I wasn't planning on, but this dress has that!!

Alterations are coming up and all of the dresses need to be shortened and many will need to have the straps fixed too. I want all of the dresses to be the exact same height off the ground so there won't be a strange wave effect in the pictures. On some girls that is knee length, on the taller girls, that's a little longer. I also do not want any cleavage showing! I don't think that's appropriate! I also saw a girl's pictures whose bridesmaids had slightly low cut dresses and they looked just awful leaning over the head table, bending down to dance with the ring bearer etc.

The dress shop does alterations but a bunch of the BMs have already told me they will be bringing their dresses elsewhere. One thinks the dress shop charges too much, another doesn't want to drive 45 minutes. I don't trust them to shorten the dresses to the exact height I tell them and take up the straps so there's no cleavage peek a boo. I am afraid they will have their dresses done way too short and tops too low in an effort to draw attention to themselves. I've already talked to the seamstress at the the dress shop and she will do exactly what I would like on all of them.

Do I have a right to put my foot down and tell them the alterations need to be done at the store (it's $50 of their money)? I am really really upset about their attitudes. I also have a BM who has already decided she will not be at my bridal shower and bacholrette party (one is Friday and one is Sunday so out of town girls can do both) and another who decided to apply for a trip that would put her out of the country the weekend of the shower and the party (after she knew the dates).

I added another bridesmaid because I need someone who's supportive (which she is). I have one other BM who is great about everything and of course my sister/MOH is fine but too young to really help me (she's 17). So basically I'm so sad and really hating 2 of these girls. Can I make them do what I want even though it's their money?

All I'm asking for is that they wear the dress I chose the way I want them altered and show up the weekend of my shower and the weekend of the wedding. HELP! I have no one else to ask and no previous experience experience to go on?

skippylouwho · January 2010

My daughter was in wedding where the shortest bridestmaid (in her twenties) was 4'11". The tallest was 6'2". There were 6 altogether. There was no way they could have the hemlines all match. No one noticed, in the pictures just don't have them stand in a straight line. Put some on steps or alter their positions so they aren't in a straight line.

I agree they should have agreed to the pink dress you wanted. I understand your concerns about cleavage, especially for a church wedding. I think you are going overboard on the hem.

Just my opinion and that's all it is.

suz62984 · January 2010

1: If you liked the pink dress tell them that they will be wearing the pink dress or that they can chose to not be in the wedding. You know you get the final say right? Hint: They are bullling you because they know they can.

2: It's their money. You can't control where they go to have the dresses fixed. If you want them to have it a certain way you will have to control who does the alterations. The only way to do this is to pay for all the girl's alterations and make sure that the seamstress only listens to you.

3: Unfortunately at 22 girls are still being bitchy and caddy. These girls don't understand wedding planning and seem a little selfish. You are going to have to start putting your foot down or they will continue to walk all over you.

HappyTummy613 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-figure-out-deal-bridesmaids-seriously-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ce9fc435-7cf5-476c-a7a6-c0997bdddfb3Post:124d3cd6-cea5-412d-99ea-1273880e9793">Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?</a>:
[QUOTE]I I want all of the dresses to be the exact same height off the ground so there won't be a strange wave effect in the pictures.
Posted by katie312[/QUOTE]

This is really weird.

And I wouldn't expect one of my bridesmaids to give up the opportunity for international travel just to attend my shower or bachelorette party.

emilyinchile · January 2010

The dresses will look absolutely ridiculous if you get them hemmed to the same distance from the floor and not the the proportions of each girl's body - that's probably why nobody ever does it that way.

Also, in the future you need to respect their budgets. You have no right to decide what they are able to spend on something, regardless of how much they make or the fact that you are the bride. This includes forcing them to go to a more expensive seamstress. And it's just rude to ask your friends to inconvenience themselves to the tune of a 1.5 hour round trip for something totally unnecessary - any seamstress can hem a dress correctly ie. so that it looks good on each girl's figure. Do you seriously think that you can "make them do what you want" when it's their money? NO. If you want matching shoes, pro hair/make-up or anything beyond the dress itself, you need to pay for it.

Pre-wedding parties are not required, they are gifts that people may choose to throw for you and may choose to attend. If your BMs have other things to do with their lives on the dates of those parties, that's just life. Seriously, these people are supposed to be your best friends, and you're treating them like a combination of props and slaves.

Katyas90 · January 2010

I'm sorry, but you're being ridiculous. I understand wanting to have your BMs look good, but the dress hem thing is just crazy. No one is going to notice that in pictures.

And stop talking about your BMs like they are a bunch of attention grabbing sluts. They're supposed to be your friends and you aren't sounding like a very great friend right now.

IMHO, the only real valid point you have here is about the dresses. Sure, they probably could have just agreed to the color you wanted and moved on, but at least you came up with a good compromise together.

I'm the MOH in my sister's wedding coming up and I can honestly say that if she was acting like you are, I'd probably get pretty pissed off and not want to be around her.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

A "wave effect" in the photos? Please tell me you have real things in your life to worry about. Your BMs will look even more ridiculous in what your'e proposing.

trix1223 · January 2010

This simply has to be MUD, because no one can possibly be this dopey. Please tell us you made the whole thing up, and that you're not really such an arrogant, self-entitled, 'zilla maniac.

jeannigirl · January 2010

OMG I'm declining I hate pink LOL. Sorry you are either MUD or totally the worst friend ever. Have you ever stopped to think that not everyone looks good in pink? How about trying to be Nice. That may be helpful and listen to their preferences is it so bad to maybe have another color added to the mix that blends well with pink and that they feel comfortable and happy to wear. Consider your friends and stop being a selfish bridezilla.

krmabojo · January 2010

1. I would honestly go with everyoe having their dress at knee length. It will be easier and trust me, it is still going to look fine.

2. If you wanted them to wear a pink BM dress, they should wear a pink BM dress.

3. Unfortunatly the only way you can make sure they get the dresses altered (not too short and no boobs) then you need to pay for the alterations.

3.5 If one of the BMs gets her dress altered way too short or too much boob, to be honest, personally, I would kick her out upon seeing the dress. No one should look skanky at church. All my firneds and myself have larger boobs and this is a concern for me as well, so I know where you are coming from with the clevage aspect.

4. You need to respect their budgets. They are still paying for the dress.

5. The three girls you are complaining about appear to be very immature.

6. You said you added another BM to be supportive- this is what your FI is for. Do not add people to your WP who you really do not care about or just because you think that they need to help you. If anyone is supposed to help, it is you FI.

SteveandKris · January 2010

This magic hem is an awful idea. You want the dress to hit the same spot on each girl, not the same distance off the floor. Pick a spot - say, mid calf... and get it hemmed to that location - and a tailor of each girl's choosing

duckie1905 · January 2010

Jeebus, don't you have anything else to do?

You'll have even less to do if you keep trying to micromanage your friends and they jump ship. You'll have lots of time to spend with your FI because no one else will want to be around you.

zitiqueen · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-figure-out-deal-bridesmaids-seriously-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ce9fc435-7cf5-476c-a7a6-c0997bdddfb3Post:124d3cd6-cea5-412d-99ea-1273880e9793">Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the first of all of my close friends to get married (I'm 22, getting married right after college). I've been having trouble with 3 of my 6 bridesmaids, I feel like they don't understand that (please excuse the phrasing) it's my day! My oringinal color idea was different shades of pink. None of them were willing to wear pink so I've already been bullied by them into choosing navy with a pink accent so they can have navy dresses instead. I tried to be nice and take a few of them to look at bridesmaid dresses with me. It was a nightmare, they were checking price tags and would only get excited about dresses that were less than $100 and skanky. I just gave up and took my little sister (MOH) and my mom to try on dresses and picked a somewhat conservative one that we liked. None of the other girls like this dress because they can't wear it again (it's $130) and they've made their opinions known. I am so mad about this! No one is just going with what I want :( I even tried to take their opinions into account, 2 of them are flat as a board and wanted rouching and straps on top, which I wasn't planning on, but this dress has that!! Alterations are coming up and all of the dresses need to be shortened and many will need to have the straps fixed too. I want all of the dresses to be the exact same height off the ground so there won't be a strange wave effect in the pictures. On some girls that is knee length, on the taller girls, that's a little longer. I also do not want any cleavage showing! I don't think that's appropriate! I also saw a girl's pictures whose bridesmaids had slightly low cut dresses and they looked just awful leaning over the head table, bending down to dance with the ring bearer etc. The dress shop does alterations but a bunch of the BMs have already told me they will be bringing their dresses elsewhere. One thinks the dress shop charges too much, another doesn't want to drive 45 minutes. I don't trust them to shorten the dresses to the exact height I tell them and take up the straps so there's no cleavage peek a boo. I am afraid they will have their dresses done way too short and tops too low in an effort to draw attention to themselves. I've already talked to the seamstress at the the dress shop and she will do exactly what I would like on all of them. Do I have a right to put my foot down and tell them the alterations need to be done at the store (it's $50 of their money)? I am really really upset about their attitudes. I also have a BM who has already decided she will not be at my bridal shower and bacholrette party (one is Friday and one is Sunday so out of town girls can do both) and another who decided to apply for a trip that would put her out of the country the weekend of the shower and the party (after she knew the dates). I added another bridesmaid because I need someone who's supportive (which she is). I have one other BM who is great about everything and of course my sister/MOH is fine but too young to really help me (she's 17). So basically I'm so sad and really hating 2 of these girls. Can I make them do what I want even though it's their money? All I'm asking for is that they wear the dress I chose the way I want them altered and show up the weekend of my shower and the weekend of the wedding. HELP! I have no one else to ask and no previous experience experience to go on?
Posted by katie312[/QUOTE]

kadydidit · January 2010

Having an eye for lines I know what effect you're talking about, however unless you just want to have BM's that are all the same height, you need to not stress on the "wave" issue and just make sure they all get hemmed at the same point on the body.

kadydidit · January 2010

You know what does look good? same colors, different styles. Check out david's bridal (or the website) and you can get the same color on all 6 dresses, but say have 2 or 3 different styles.

Bubbala · January 2010

I am really getting tird of girls thinking of their briesmaids as slaves and servants. Yes, it is your day, but you chose them because they are your friends. You don't get to treat them like crap because it is your wedding...every girl has different shapes, shades, and heights, and you can't expect them to look the same...and not everone wants to spend tons of money to see you get married...you wouldn't ask one of your friends out to a restaurant they couldn't afford, and you shouldn't think they should spend crazy amounts of money on a dress for one day, either...did you not know the type of gowns they would be looking for? I mean, they did not decide overnight that they wanted to wear something different than they normally do...no one is going to change themselves to be in your wedding...

katie312 · January 2010

I only stressed over the hemlines because I was told by the store that it would look really awful when they ordered the dresses, but aparently that's not true. It was a seamstress telling me this and I now realize she was looking for business. They can go with whomever they want for the alterations and I will kindly ask them to please keep our church in mind when they consider the dress length and the fit on top with their seamstress.

I'm really not an awful person, I just started venting on that post and walked away the rest of the day without thinking about how I came off. I heard people talking about BMs who helped them plan their weddings and I was frustrated that mine didn't even like my original color choice (at least now they like the navy). I also didn't mean to post this on the snarky bride board so please stop replying, ok?

Thanks for the perspective.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

What makes you think they're going to look all hoochy? Do they normally dress like that? Or are you just being paranoid? Because I don't normally dress that way, and if I was a BM and the bride told me to "watch the cleavage" on a dress SHE picked, I'd be like "then why'd you pick it, genius?" and be really offended. Just be mindful of how all this comes across. Unless you have good reason to suspect they'd be popping out of their dresses all night, you need to just let it go. stop micromanaging everything. There's no faster way to lose friends.

This is the SNARKY BRIDES board. Did you really NOT expect to get snarky comments? C'mon.

My BMs didn't like my original color choice either and for good reason, it turned out it looked awful on them. So we found another color that everyone enjoyed. Staying flexible is the best thing you can do in all aspects of wedding planning. To do so otherwise creates stress where there is none.

Stop stressing over everything! A wedding is a HAPPY occasion. Have you forgotten that? You don't need moral support for happy occasions! When getting married stresses you out, you need to step back and reevaluate your priorities. If things like the "wave effect" and "possible cleavage disasters" are stressing you out this much, frankly you're doing it wrong.

lyndausvi · January 2010

{Quote]I want all of the dresses to be the exact same height off the ground so there won't be a strange wave effect in the pictures. On some girls that is knee length, on the taller girls, that's a little longer. I also do not want any cleavage showing! I don't think that's appropriate! I also saw a girl's pictures whose bridesmaids had slightly low cut dresses and they looked just awful leaning over the head table, bending down to dance with the ring bearer etc.[Quote/]

That is one of the strangest requests I have ever heard. I would think it was odd to see a dress fall at one BM knees and another BM's ankles just so they line up at the same height. If it was that important to you why did not order long dresses?

SarahPLiz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-figure-out-deal-bridesmaids-seriously-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:ce9fc435-7cf5-476c-a7a6-c0997bdddfb3Post:ff792361-c2fa-45b3-b769-b09d8db37d3e">Re: Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?</a>:
[QUOTE]I only stressed over the hemlines because I was told by the store that it would look really awful when they ordered the dresses, but aparently that's not true. It was a seamstress telling me this and I now realize she was looking for business. They can go with whomever they want for the alterations and I will kindly ask them to please keep our church in mind when they consider the dress length and the fit on top with their seamstress. I'm really not an awful person, I just started venting on that post and walked away the rest of the day without thinking about how I came off. I heard people talking about BMs who helped them plan their weddings and I was frustrated that mine didn't even like my original color choice (at least now they like the navy). I also didn't mean to post this on the snarky bride board so please stop replying, ok? Thanks for the perspective.
Posted by katie312[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you have come to your senses. You will probably still get replies, but these are for the benefit of others who may be in the same mindset and come here to read it.

bbyckes · January 2010

A shout out to anyone who read all that. You all deserve a cookie.

banana468 · January 2010

It sounds like at least the OP realized that she was being a HUGE micromanager.

splint00 · February 2010

They're 22, what do you expect? I know when I was that age, bridesmaid duties were the last thing on my mind and if any of my friends were getting married, I mean, it's hard. Just out of college and trying to find a job and pay for a friends wedding? Ugh, it sounds like a lot to worry about. Just do things yourself, less stress that way, it would have been a different story if they were older and more mature but unfortunately for you, you're the first.

Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?

Re: Please help me figure out how to deal with my bridesmaids! Seriously, please?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards