What are the "duties" of the BM?

buddysmom80 · March 2013

Hey everyone,

I'm a BM in a wedding September as well as our mutual friend and bride's FSIL.

My friend/bridesmaid make a good sum of money and doesn't have any financial responsibilities. I have a mortgage, utilities, etc and when that's all paid I save, save and save some more. I don't know what FSIL's financial situation is right now.

My friend/BM called me and wants to plan a B-party in Vegas for a weekend. It's a great idea, but I don't have the money to spend on it. I could charge it on my CC but, my BF and I have made the decision for this year if we can't pay cash on hand for it, we don't need it.

Also, friend/BM told me we have to go in together on a shower gift for the bride. Once again, I could charge it, but do I want to?

I talked to my mom about this and she said that my job as a BM is to wear the dress that I'm told to by the bride and show up on the day of the wedding sober. Is that really all there is? Do I need to contribute financially to anything else? I'm just so confused because I'm hearing yes I need to contribute to b-parties, showers, etc but I'm also hearing that I don't.

Any help is appreciated, thanks in advance!

MairePoppy · March 2013

Good news! Your mom is correct. You're not obligated to throw or even attend pre-wedding parties. Tell the bm that you can't afford it, but hop they will have wonderful time. If you want, take the bride to lunch after the party so she can tell you all about it. Don't let anyone pressure you into blowing your budget.

artbyallie · March 2013

Yay for your mom! Buying a dress and being in the actual wedding are your only duties. Parties, etc, are gifts and purely your choice based on your availability, desire, and finances.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In agreement with PPs - I think that's pretty much the gist of what you "have" to do. What you're expected to do is more of the issue. For example, my sister wanted me to host an engagement party and a bridal shower, so I did. I didn't have to, and if I told her I couldn't, she would have to just shut up about it.

You definitely don't "have" to help pay for anything, that being said, if you all agree to rent a place for the shower or b-party, then it's a good idea to contribute. As for a Las Vegas weekend, It's great that the other BMs can afford that, but that doesn't mean they should assume you can. I would ask if there's something less pricey and more local you can do. There's tons of fun (gambling, drinking, etc) closer by I'm sure.

Are you planning to get her a shower gift anyway? For me, going in together on a gift means getting her a bigger present without paying the big bucks (i.e. we got my friend sapphire earrings for her shower, it was more affordable divided 4 ways). Or if you wanted to get her a KitchenAid Stand Mixer (the kitchen appliance I currently drool over) then it's just $100 or so each rather than an unattainable gift (unless you can afford to spend that).

Hope this was more helpful than terribly convoluted!

AddieCake · March 2013

You MUST show up sober and on time in the right clothes. You CAN help with anything you like.

KJiras · March 2013

As a bride, I would never expect to go to Vegas on a bachelorette party - that's definitely a pricey trip! As a bridesmaid and/or MOH I'd never expect another bridesmaid to blow her budget on something so fancy, it's not the norm. The other ladies are right, that is all you "have" to do. But different regions of the country vary on what is traditionally done. I'm from the Northeast like you and bridesmaids/friends/family throwing showers and bachelorettes in the bride's honor is common. But I've never been a part of a bridal party where my ideas or budget limitations weren't heard. It's OK for another bridesmaid to ask you as a fellow bridesmaid if you are interested in participating in/helping plan any of these parties. It's not OK for another bridesmaid to go ahead with planning and expect you to pull out your checkbook without discussing it with you.

If the other bridesmaids are starting the discussion about a bachelorette party or shower, be upfront about your budget. I've hosted showers where some brought dishes they made, and others who didn't want to make contributed financially, etc. Basically we just worked with what was feasible and what people were comfortable with. As I'm planning my wedding I can honestly say I wouldn't want any party or shower that was a hardship for my friends or family in any way.

buddysmom80 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-the-duties-of-the-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9434a7bb-6660-4215-b6d3-c282aa8e90f6Post:9ebde369-f3a1-4a43-9fa1-1f2fd6b2193e">Re: What are the "duties" of the BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]You MUST show up sober and on time in the right clothes. You CAN help with anything you like.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

Do I really have to show up sober??? Just kidding of course I will.

So now another question. What if the other bm just decides to do the b-party in Vegas? I wouldn't be able to attend due to finances but do I have to contribute financially? Same thing goes for the shower as well.

I'm so confused, frustrated and hurt. I feel like I'm going to lose a friendship over this but I don't want to be broke either.

AddieCake · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-the-duties-of-the-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9434a7bb-6660-4215-b6d3-c282aa8e90f6Post:c54744e7-fc9c-4bf6-9a18-25d462674e2e">Re: What are the "duties" of the BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are the "duties" of the BM? :

Do I really have to show up sober??? Just kidding of course I will.

So now another question. What if the other bm just decides to do the b-party in Vegas? I wouldn't be able to attend due to finances but do I have to contribute financially? Same thing goes for the shower as well.

I'm so confused, frustrated and hurt. I feel like I'm going to lose a friendship over this but I don't want to be broke either.
Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

Haha! Not if you can hide it!

No, you do not have to pay for a party you are not attending. For the shower, I might be tempted to help contribute even if I couldn't go, but I definitely wouldn't for a bachelorette party.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

Your mom is awesome, tell her I said so

.

You don't have any obligations to the extra cash drops the MOH is dreaming up. Honestly, she should have checked if people could afford a Vegas trip before announcing that's what they're doing. Reality isn't your fault.

buddysmom80 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-the-duties-of-the-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9434a7bb-6660-4215-b6d3-c282aa8e90f6Post:f91e702c-857e-45e7-ba28-7d534bf78907">Re: What are the "duties" of the BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom is awesome, tell her I said so :D. You don't have any obligations to the extra cash drops the MOH is dreaming up. Honestly, she should have checked if people could afford a Vegas trip before announcing that's what they're doing. Reality isn't your fault.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I'm on the phone with her now and told her. She said "I know" lol.

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I'm going to have to bow out gracefully so I don't go bankrupt from this wedding.

cbrown828 · March 2013

Yay for you for being financially responsible! Don't blow it because you feel pressured to be the "perfect bridesmaid." Help out however you can afford to, if you want to. Maybe you can't help financially, but you can help cook food, decorate, etc.

MairePoppy · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-the-duties-of-the-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9434a7bb-6660-4215-b6d3-c282aa8e90f6Post:c54744e7-fc9c-4bf6-9a18-25d462674e2e">Re: What are the "duties" of the BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are the "duties" of the BM? : Do I really have to show up sober??? Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We New Englanders like our hootch, don't we? Try not to overdo it before the walk : )</div><div>
</div><div>You're not obligated to pay for the shower or the bp if you're not attending. If you'd like to help with the shower, let the MOH know exactly how much you will be able to contribute. Send her the check asap. Don't let her tell you what your share is. </div><div>
</div><div>Let the bride know that you can't afford to spend any more on her wedding related events. If she reacts poorly, you should step down. I hope she will be sensible and let the organizer of her shower and bp know that she would like her to dial down the expectations. </div>

Daizy106 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-the-duties-of-the-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9434a7bb-6660-4215-b6d3-c282aa8e90f6Post:5bbc226c-227b-4a4b-bc6a-768b9ce096c3">What are the "duties" of the BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone, I'm a BM in a wedding September as well as our mutual friend and bride's FSIL. My friend/bridesmaid make a good sum of money and doesn't have any financial responsibilities. I have a mortgage, utilities, etc and when that's all paid I save, save and save some more. I don't know what FSIL's financial situation is right now. My friend/BM called me and wants to plan a B-party in Vegas for a weekend. It's a great idea, but I don't have the money to spend on it. I could charge it on my CC but, my BF and I have made the decision for this year if we can't pay cash on hand for it, we don't need it. Also, friend/BM told me we have to go in together on a shower gift for the bride. Once again, I could charge it, but do I want to? I talked to my mom about this and she said that my job as a BM is to wear the dress that I'm told to by the bride and show up on the day of the wedding sober. Is that really all there is? Do I need to contribute financially to anything else? I'm just so confused because I'm hearing yes I need to contribute to b-parties, showers, etc but I'm also hearing that I don't. Any help is appreciated, thanks in advance!
Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

Nope. Your job is to show up in the right dress and that is it. When I asked my MOH to be my MOH she was so worried bc she said I don't have a lot of money to give you a party, a shower etc and I said- don't worry, just show up in a dress-that is all I expect of all my girls. I understand that being in the WP is not cheap. You have to pay for a dress and possibly hair and make up and give a gift. Today, I feel like some brides expect their BM's to pay for the dress, hair and make up, throw a bridal shower, and bachelorette party and give a gift?! thats crazy. Do what you can afford and if all you can afford is to buy the dress and show up on that day- thats ok. thats all that SHOULD be expected from you

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