How do you avoid this feeling?

lilphillips14 · March 2013

Hi everyone!

This is my first post on this part of the board, I guess because mine isn't -technically- a gay wedding. I'm cis and my fiance is a transman. We are not, in the eyes of the law, a straight couple. We could go to a state where gay couples are allowed to marry and be married as a lesbian couple, but we don't want that because that's not what we are.

So we're planning a traditional 'wedding' but with all the money that goes into a wedding, it's becoming so stressful. I want to have family and friends there to see us truly commit to each other, but I'm getting so discouraged. Now I'm wondering if it's even worth it to go through all of this.

Am I terrible for feeling like this? Am I the only one who sometimes feels like it's pointless to go through it all? And if I'm not, how do you avoid the feeling?

Thanks.

2dBride · March 2013

Are you in a state that will recognize a change of gender? If so, you could be married as a straight couple, even if your state doesn't recognize gay marriage.

Or you could go to a state that recognizes gay marriage, and just be married. It doesn't have to be "as a lesbian couple," since the states that recognize gay marriage don't distinguish between gay and straight weddings.

Yes, it's frustrating if you can't be married in your home state. However, more and more states are adopting marriage equality (which I prefer as a term, since it includes marriages like yours that don't fall neatly into the gay or straight category). And if you get legally married now (even if not in your home state), your marriage will be recognized back to its inception as soon as your state changes its laws, or you move to a more enlightened state.

The one big disadvantage of being legally married, if your home state doesn't recognize it, is that you can't get divorced until and unless your state recognizes the marriage, or at least one of you moves to a state that does. Only you can decide whether that's a risk you're willing to take.

lilphillips14 · March 2013

With his transition being where it is, he can't legally change his gender until he goes through the whole surgery thing, etc. Just being on hormones isn't enough. So we can't get his birth certificate changed or anything until after all of that. And well, that's about 3 of our weddings put together before that happens. And yeah, Ohio's not exactly the most accepting of anything.

pumpkin314159 · March 2013

Hi Lil. I don't know if I have any helpful advice, but you're definitely not alone! My fiancee and I really struggle with the value of spending thousands on a ceremony that won't be legal... Meaning we'll just have to do it all over someday. But we also really want to share the day with our loved ones. Mostly I wanted to commiserate. We haven't decided what we're going to do about it yet. I hope you'll stick around and keep up posted about your planning. Love to you and FI!

lilphillips14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_how-do-you-avoid-this-feeling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:bb35a1fb-268f-4bc7-be63-00c722fbd1b4Post:93d1c2f1-ab8b-493a-bff0-a1b0b8c91844">Re:How do you avoid this feeling?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Lil. I don't know if I have any helpful advice, but you're definitely not alone! My fiancee and I really struggle with the value of spending thousands on a ceremony that won't be legal... Meaning we'll just have to do it all over someday. But we also really want to share the day with our loved ones. Mostly I wanted to commiserate. We haven't decided what we're going to do about it yet. I hope you'll stick around and keep up posted about your planning. Love to you and FI!
Posted by pumpkin314159[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Just letting me know I'm not alone helped me a lot! Thank you so much pumpkin (love your name by the way...it's what my dad calls me), and I hope you and your FI work everything out too! Today, I feel much better. I'm just saying 'eff it, we're going to be married with a piece of paper or without it, and that's all there is to it!' Yesterday I was just feeling down.

</div>

QueerFemme · March 2013

We spent about $12-15K on a wedding that isn't legal. And yes, it irritates the crap out of me. But, ultimately, I wanted the wedding and reception to be about my community and my family and friends surrounding us with love and acknowledgement of our committment to each other.

And just the process of going through the motions of wedding planning, saying our vows out loud to each other in public, gives a relationship more accountability and validity. So, I know it's frustrating... but, it was so worth it for us.

lilphillips14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_how-do-you-avoid-this-feeling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:bb35a1fb-268f-4bc7-be63-00c722fbd1b4Post:bc3f766c-4c11-4aa7-8d75-c0eb35ea151b">Re: How do you avoid this feeling?</a>:
[QUOTE]We spent about $12-15K on a wedding that isn't legal. And yes, it irritates the crap out of me. But, ultimately, I wanted the wedding and reception to be about my community and my family and friends surrounding us with love and acknowledgement of our committment to each other. And just the process of going through the motions of wedding planning, saying our vows out loud to each other in public, gives a relationship more accountability and validity. So, I know it's frustrating... but, it was so worth it for us.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you cmg! Yeah, that's what we want. I want our family and friends there to see it, to be able to witness it and celebrate it with us. I just have to keep focusing on that, even when it all seems frustrating and pointless. It's not pointless, it's what I want...I just need to stick with it and not let myself get down. One day things will change, and when that day comes, we'll mosy on down to the courthouse, get ourselves quietly nice and married all legal like, and I'll still have our wedding day to look back on and enjoy.

</div>

lovelybride614 · March 2013

I'm not in your specific situation but we are in Ohio too. I'm hoping this Nov changes a lot for us. Now that we have Portman's vote, it may help. We're having a ceremony next summer regardless of the election this fall. Our friends and family support us. Go where your support is and if need be, get the license in a legal state. Yes it sucks, but until Ohio gets it or DOMA is gone, we're kinda screwed in MHO. Hope this helps. Totally here for you if you need to talk

AndreaV26 · March 2013

I'm in Michigan and you fiancé should be able to change the drivers license without the full transition. My fiancé had facial feminization surgery and we used a letter from the surgeon and psychologist to change the birth certificate. Also, we are keeping her license make for now. That way we can get legally married since it goes by license. And we have a lawyer from the ACLU on speed dial in case we have problems. I would highly recommend looking into your states laws further.

lilphillips14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_how-do-you-avoid-this-feeling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:bb35a1fb-268f-4bc7-be63-00c722fbd1b4Post:486455d9-df8e-4f35-b3ad-b1768b80b9f0">Re: How do you avoid this feeling?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in Michigan and you fiancé should be able to change the drivers license without the full transition. My fiancé had facial feminization surgery and we used a letter from the surgeon and psychologist to change the birth certificate. Also, we are keeping her license make for now. That way we can get legally married since it goes by license. And we have a lawyer from the ACLU on speed dial in case we have problems. I would highly recommend looking into your states laws further.
Posted by AndreaV26[/QUOTE]

<div>Ohio won't change his license gender marker unless he has a birth certificate that says male. Massachusetts, where he was born, will not change his birth certificate until he has SRS. Which is, even top surgery, a long way off. Bottom surgery might not ever happen because he has no interest in it.</div>

theshewolf · March 2013

Hey lilphillips,

There is a youtube video that I think might be of interest to you. I'm not sure if you and your fiance watch youtube videos by people in the trans community. There is a particularly wonderful couple Dade and Tiffany who have a channel under "ElectricDade." Tiffany is able to give the perspective of the partner as somebody that she loves comes out and then goes through the transition.

They went through kind of the opposite (in legal terms)--they had a civil union as "lesbians" and then Dade came out and began to physically transition--then got legally married after Dade had a gender change. But I think a lot of concepts and feelings are the same.

Here it is! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4M3oq9Cjz4

How do you avoid this feeling?

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