Tell me if this is a stupid idea

kelley198721 · March 2013

So yesterday BF took me to the flea market and it was my first time there. After checking everything out, we came upon the pets section. And one of the stalls had Chihuahua puppies. There was this adorable white 8-week-old male Chihuahua puppy that I fell in love with and I wanted to get him so badly.

But BF managed to talk me out of getting him. He kept saying things like "If you want a puppy, you shouldn't get him from here, this could be a puppy mill. If you really want one, I'll take you to the shelter and you can adopt one that really needs a home."

And I know he's right. I do know that but it was so dang hard to walk away from that puppy.

Anyway, later on, I was still down about not being able to get the puppy so BF says to me, "Hey, why don't WE get a dog?"

I think my jaw dropped. For one thing, we don't live together. And we've only been dating for about 6 1/2 months. And what happens if we break up? A dog is a big commitment that will last for at least 10 years. If we split up, the dog would have to go to one of us. And how would we share the financial responsibitlies?

I said all this to BF and he said "I know. I know it's a big commitment but I'm ready for it. And we would have to do tons of research and figure everything out before we got one but I think we can do it."

I asked him if he was doing this just to make me happy and he said no.

So I'm really tempted to do this...the timeline is getting a dog in a month or two months. But tell me honestly, is this a bad idea?

buddysmom80 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:b4d22c9f-4142-44ce-9a7d-89ed96935b8f">Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]So yesterday BF took me to the flea market and it was my first time there. After checking everything out, we came upon the pets section. And one of the stalls had Chihuahua puppies. There was this adorable white 8-week-old male Chihuahua puppy that I fell in love with and I wanted to get him so badly. But BF managed to talk me out of getting him. He kept saying things like "If you want a puppy, you shouldn't get him from here, this could be a puppy mill. If you really want one, I'll take you to the shelter and you can adopt one that really needs a home." And I know he's right. I do know that but it was so dang hard to walk away from that puppy. Anyway, later on, I was still down about not being able to get the puppy so BF says to me, "Hey, why don't WE get a dog?" I think my jaw dropped. For one thing, we don't live together. And we've only been dating for about 6 1/2 months. And what happens if we break up? A dog is a big commitment that will last for at least 10 years. If we split up, the dog would have to go to one of us. And how would we share the financial responsibitlies? I said all this to BF and he said "I know. I know it's a big commitment but I'm ready for it. And we would have to do tons of research and figure everything out before we got one but I think we can do it." I asked him if he was doing this just to make me happy and he said no. So I'm really tempted to do this...the timeline is getting a dog in a month or two months. But tell me honestly, is this a bad idea?
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

A dog is a lot of work. A LOT. BF and I bought a dog in December and we've been pretty good splitting up responsibilities with our fur baby. I bought the dog, so technically he's mine. I pay all the vet bills and BF buys all the food (his dry food is $60 a bag so it evens out in the end).

I would wait until you guys moved in together and lived together for a while before getting a dog. There's a ton of dogs out there that are waiting to be adopted and there will be one out there for you.

I equate owning a dog with having a baby. It's so much work and I don't know how you guys would make it work when you're not living together.

cu97tiger · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:5bcb74d6-8ab7-4dd1-a8d8-11c87b8d4ee2">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Tell me if this is a stupid idea : A dog is a lot of work. A LOT. BF and I bought a dog in December and we've been pretty good splitting up responsibilities with our fur baby. I bought the dog, so technically he's mine. I pay all the vet bills and BF buys all the food (his dry food is $60 a bag so it evens out in the end). I would wait until you guys moved in together and lived together for a while before getting a dog. There's a ton of dogs out there that are waiting to be adopted and there will be one out there for you. I equate owning a dog with having a baby. It's so much work and I don't know how you guys would make it work when you're not living together.
Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

<div>What buddy said. And what Liv said. It's not a stupid idea in and of itself, but it should spur you and your BF to have some tough conversations about the financial responsibilities, the emotional responsibilities and what happens in the event of a break-up. It's a good sign that he talked you out of that impulsive decision at the flea market.</div>

Hummingbird125 · March 2013

I think it's smart to go into a situation like that knowing what will happen with the dog if you break up. I mean, BF and I have been together for more than 2 years and had lived together for a year before deciding to get a puppy together, and STILL I am happy knowing that if anything did happen between us and we broke up, the dog would go with me (I paid for her, and pay most of the larger vet bills). BF's friend had been with his GF for about 3 years when they got a dog together, but they eventually broke up. For a while they did "joint custody" of the dog, and shuttled him back and forth, and eventually the guy moved further away and took the dog with him. When BF told him we were getting a dog together, he said "Don't do it!" lol.

In my opinion, if you're not living together, the dog will definitely belong to one of you more than the other. Where will the dog be living most of the time? I think it's very sweet that he wants to "share" the dog with you, and as long as you have a plan in place for what happens if you break up, I think it's a great idea.

P.S. - I also agree with your BF about not getting the dog from the flea market. Please only adopt a dog from a rescue or a shelter, or buy from a reputable breeder.

Hummingbird125 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:5bcb74d6-8ab7-4dd1-a8d8-11c87b8d4ee2">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE] I bought the dog, so technically he's mine. I pay all the vet bills and BF buys all the food (his dry food is $60 a bag so it evens out in the end).
Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is exactly how my dog arrangement works! lol. I bought her since I wanted a shiba inu (BF would have been fine getting a dog from a shelter or pet store), and I pay the vet bill, but he pays for all the food and most of the toys.

</div>

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

I would wait until you guys live together, for all of the reasons Liv stated. ExFI and I got a bird together, and we split the cost, and I lost her when we broke up. It was insanely difficult, not just because I lost something I loved deeply, but also because I had a good $500 invested in her and all of her stuff. I'm pretty sure exFI has now pawned her off on his parents, because he was never interested in taking care of her.

Live together, and know what's going to happen in case of a breakup. I look at that as kind of a pre-nup, you don't know that you'll need it, and you hope it never happens, but in case you do, you know what's what.

Swazzle · March 2013

So, my own personal experience was that I moved into my apartment after dating FI for 4 months. I went to the humane society to look at kittens 2 weeks later and FI helped pick out Bailey and Hailey with me. He ended up moving in with me a month later. If we had broken up, it was understood that the cats were mine and they would stay with me.

I don't want to be mean, but I feel like if you're asking us if it's a good idea for you to get a dog with your BF then you probably shouldn't be getting a dog.

lovelyheather · March 2013

I would wait. I have a few friends who bought dogs with their SOs (they were living together) and have since split up. In one case, I assume neither of them actually wanted the dog since it was pawned off on one of their parents. Pets are a very big responsibility and I wouldn't just jump into it without fully thinking through all of the consequences.

Knottie_22382049 · March 2013

I would personally wait until you are living together to get a joint pet. At this point either one person will have the dog at their house and be doing the bulk of the work or the dog will be shuffled between houses. Also even when you move in together figure out who will do what and make a written agreement of what would happen to the dog if you ever broke up.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

This is a sticky situation...and everyone has some great advice posted here.

FI and I got a dog together about 2 years into our relationship. We did not live together, but i'd say he was over 3-4 nights a week. We didn't make an "if we break up" plan...which I do think would be a good idea so soon into the relationship. We split all of the expenses 50/50.

Getting a dog really is like having a baby though. I will warn you it was not all fun and games. We had a lot of fights that first year about all sorts of things puppy related. Who pays to fix the moulding when he decides to chew up the wall? Do we pay for training/behavior classes? Who did/didn't follow through with said training? Who gets up at 2am when puppy has to go outside? Do we let him sleep in our bed? Should FI be on full-time duty when he's over since I was on full-time duty when he wasn't? Who watches the dog if we want to go out of town for a night or two? Who takes out the dog if one of us gets stuck at work late?

Feeding. Training. Treat giving. Discipline. Schedules. Dog sitting. A baby dog IS a baby...and you will find yourselves making decisions as a couple...as if you have a baby. Having a dog has been a wonderful thing for us, and there's no way we'd ever have given him up...but it was a tough first year. We were very solid in our relationship when we got our dog and were very confident that we'd be getting married. I do think this could be a lot of unnecessary stress on a newer relationship.

Just some things to think about.

bethsmiles · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:b551b17f-4d6f-434f-ad78-eaacff2e62f5">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my own personal experience was that I moved into my apartment after dating FI for 4 months. I went to the humane society to look at kittens 2 weeks later and FI helped pick out Bailey and Hailey with me. He ended up moving in with me a month later. If we had broken up, it was understood that the cats were mine and they would stay with me. <strong> I don't want to be mean, but I feel like if you're asking us if it's a good idea for you to get a dog with your BF then you probably shouldn't be getting a dog. </strong>
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

BF and I would LOVE to get a puppy right now but because we don't live together we figure it just makes more sense to wait until we move in together. Logistically it seems a lot simpler.

kelley198721 · March 2013

You all make really good points. We'll definitely be thinking this through, especially BF. Out of the two of us, I am obviously the more implusive one and he tends to be very practical and responsible. Even if I wanted to go out today and get a dog, BF wouldn't let me. He would want to think through everything and come up with a plan on finances and responsibilities.

But I do have reservations about us getting a dog together. Not because of our relationship but because of the fact that we don't live together. I'm trying to think of ways to deal with the logistics and so far, I'm not too crazy about what I've come up with.

BF spends up to 3 nights a week at my place and those are usually scattered throughout the week, it's never 3 nights in a row. And due to his work schedule, he only comes over around 11:00 pm to spend the night. Sometimes he only spends the night once a week, it just depends on his work schedule.

My point is, I would be doing most of the work. I didn't mind this when I looked at it as "MY dog" but ever since he brought up the idea of it being "OUR dog", I'm afraid I might start to resent him for not being able to do at least half of the work like taking him out at night to use the bathroom, feeding him, etc.

And it's not like he can take the dog with him back to his house. He moved back in with his parents temporarily to save money. So the dog would have to stay at my place all the time.

Anyway. It's just the logistics that concern me and as everyone pointed out, it's difficult to have a dog together when you don't even live together. So I am leaning heavily towards waiting to get a dog.

The only difficult part will be the actual waiting part. Moving in together is not an option for me and BF and the only way I can see us moving in, is if we get married. And who knows if/when that will be.

But thanks for the advice, everyone! I really appreciate it

Knottie_22382049 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:48c3657b-ff1d-4e67-aa52-e171ab54aaf5">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]You all make really good points. We'll definitely be thinking this through, especially BF. Out of the two of us, I am obviously the more implusive one and he tends to be very practical and responsible. Even if I wanted to go out today and get a dog, BF wouldn't let me. He would want to think through everything and come up with a plan on finances and responsibilities. But I do have reservations about us getting a dog together. Not because of our relationship but because of the fact that we don't live together. I'm trying to think of ways to deal with the logistics and so far, I'm not too crazy about what I've come up with. BF spends up to 3 nights a week at my place and those are usually scattered throughout the week, it's never 3 nights in a row. And due to his work schedule, he only comes over around 11:00 pm to spend the night. Sometimes he only spends the night once a week, it just depends on his work schedule. <strong> My point is, I would be doing most of the work. I didn't mind this when I looked at it as "MY dog" but ever since he brought up the idea of it being "OUR dog", I'm afraid I might start to resent him for not being able to do at least half of the work like taking him out at night to use the bathroom, feeding him, etc. And it's not like he can take the dog with him back to his house. He moved back in with his parents temporarily to save money. So the dog would have to stay at my place all the time. </strong>Anyway. It's just the logistics that concern me and as everyone pointed out, it's difficult to have a dog together when you don't even live together. So I am leaning heavily towards waiting to get a dog. The only difficult part will be the actual waiting part. Moving in together is not an option for me and BF and the only way I can see us moving in, is if we get married. And who knows if/when that will be. But thanks for the advice, everyone! I really appreciate it :)
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is why I would not suggest for you to get the joint dog right now. My dog Ulrich knows who "daddy" is and since me and J are talking about moving in together and how the resposiblities will be split Ulrich has been refered to more and more as "our" dog. But... I bought him, I pay for his food, I pay for his vet bills and at the end of the day he is MY dog. The dog was there before the relationship though so there is no being upset that I am the one doing all the work. If you really want a dog get one but have it be your dog. And I completely agree with your BF on not getting a flea market dog, go to a rescue you never know what you will find people even give up purebreed puppies.

</div>

leia1979 · March 2013

Given what you've said, I don't think owning a dog jointly is a good idea at this point. If you think long and hard about it and decide that you are ready and willing to adopt and care for a dog by yourself, then sure, go for it.

beanbot2002 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:b364e048-57b4-4a24-a532-50ab6e62aa1f">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you like the idea of a dog, you should get one.</strong> But be careful, if you feel that the 2 of you can handle it, it is fine. But if that is not the case and you have your reservations about it, you should not do it. It’s better if you get the dog for yourself and if your BF wants to help, then let him help, but in the end it will belong to you.
Posted by Uberoom12[/QUOTE]

I have to whole-heartedly disagree with this statement (as it's written). I LOVE the idea of a dog. Doesn't mean I should get one, right now. Lots of things have to be worked out and talked about before I'm ready for another dog.

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-me-if-this-is-a-stupid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fe82c3a-fe97-4aa9-ad01-2d0203290fd4Post:b364e048-57b4-4a24-a532-50ab6e62aa1f">Re: Tell me if this is a stupid idea</a>:
[QUOTE]If you like the idea of a dog, you should get one. But be careful, if you feel that the 2 of you can handle it, it is fine. But if that is not the case and you have your reservations about it, you should not do it. It’s better if you get the dog for yourself and if your BF wants to help, then let him help, but in the end it will belong to you.
Posted by Uberoom12[/QUOTE]

<div>I love the idea of a dog. Doesn't mean I need to get one right now.</div>

thejucheidea · March 2013

I'd probably wait for at least a little while before getting a joint dog. I went into our relationship with my two dogs, Bellamy and Zoe, and the understanding was that they would stay with me if we broke up. We didn't get our joint dog, Freya, until we'd been together for almost three years. She would be devastated without both of us and her brother and sister, so I don't know what we'd do if we actually broke up at some point, but I'm not at all worried about that.

kerbohl · March 2013

I agree with PP - a joint dog at this point might be a bad idea. If you want a pet, maybe get something for yourself, but perhaps smaller and lower maintence. I recommend a rabbit! The cleanliness of a cat, but if you get the right one, a much better personality (my apologies to cat people on this thread. I'm sure your cats have wonderful personalities, but in my experience, rabbits trump them!) Plus, they are insanely cute even when they get older.

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