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I don't like the word 'wife'

anssettanssett member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Second Weddings
Or 'husband' or 'married' for that matter. I didn't realize it until this week but I'm having minor PTSD-like reactions to these words. My fiance is SO thrilled that the wedding is coming up in a few weeks and I'm thrilled to have him, but talking about being a wife freaks me out. I've done this before!!! Is that making me more weirded out? Probably.

I like the sound of being "FI's wife" (his specific wife not a generic one) but overall it's very ridiculous. I know I want to spend my life growing and experiencing and getting wrinkly with him. That sounds great. It's societies expectations perhaps that are wigging me out. And my own fears of having botched this whole thing before. *sigh*
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Re: I don't like the word 'wife'

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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    would "partner" make you feel better?
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    radleybooradleyboo member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Take a deep breath and don't let syntax get in the way of your happiness.  Titles are just words, what's important is how you feel about each other and your lives together.  We all make mistakes, and we are the sum of our parts and experiences.  I'm sure you learned many lessons not only about commitment and parnership, but about yourself, from your first marriage (I certainly did).  Don't worry about the past, move forward confidently and enjoy your day and your marriage with your FI. 
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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Not uncommon in the days leading up to the wedding. 

    Think of it this way - your first experience as wife was not what you wanted it to be.  Have you ever had a job that was not a "good fit"?  Did you think that you should never ever be an employee again?  Or did you move along and find something else?  Sometimes we just make a wrong choice,  a wrong decision, and if we recognize it and correct it, we are doing what is best for everyone. 

    So your experience is not with being a wife, but with being xH's wife.  You have a whole new opportunity to be Fi's wife. 

    To be honest, my heart still does a little flip (almost 7 years later) when DH calls me his wife.  ~Donna
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    anssettanssett member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Partner feels like I'm trying so hard to be liberal I become ridiculous. I'm plenty liberal. That's not what annoys me. It just feels like all of societies connotations for what wife/husband/marriage are come crashing onto me when I use those words. I am clearly the one being reactive here, but I noticed it and wondered if others felt it too!
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Try to disassociate the negativity with them and just think of them as words...and take a deep breath =) Sounds like you're just emotional.

    My friend always called  her husband her "partner"...in part, because they were together for 10 years before marrying and he was more than "boyfriend". She found out that everyone assumed she was gay until he came to pick her up when she broke her ankle and she introduced him to folks at work.
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    coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    I had some bad vibes from it at first too, mostly because exH always used it in a negative way and stuff. But fi says it with such love that the word has changed all meaning for me. Now wife is a wonderful word. It just takes time I think!
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    reppunzelreppunzel member
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    As someone who has PTSD, pairing the "trigger" with a new association will take time, but can be well worth it.   Think of being "FI's wife", "our marriage" or "my marriage to FI", "my husband <FI's name>".  This is my first marriage (FI's second), so I can't relate directly to those thoughts and questions, but consider thinking of this marriage to your FI as a rebirth/redemptive process, rather than a "do over" (I hate that term!) or a "2nd try at getting it right" or whatever the thought is that runs through your mind.

    I know that FI is definitely doing some processing as we get closer and closer to our date (I almost fainted myself the other day when I saw "45 days left" emblazoned across the top of one of our registries!), and with my past, some aspects of married life are pretty intimidating.  So for both of us, it has been very important to look beyond the generic term to the specific person and situation that is now vs. what was in the past.

    Best wishes for a long life together; and may you love each other even more when you get to the wrinklies!!!
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    anssettanssett member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks guys. That shift in perspective is exactly what I need. We picked a date (3/30). It's practically here! We're going to be family and that sounds amazing.
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_i-dont-like-the-word-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:99780395-f021-45fe-99e5-03a13161f217Post:b1d65788-b41a-4fa7-89e9-9656e0765b2a">Re: I don't like the word 'wife'</a>:
    [QUOTE]Partner feels like I'm trying so hard to be liberal I become ridiculous. I'm plenty liberal. That's not what annoys me. It just feels like <strong><font color="#000080">all of societies connotations for what wife/husband/marriage are come crashing onto me</font></strong> when I use those words. I am clearly the one being reactive here, but I noticed it and wondered if others felt it too!
    Posted by anssett[/QUOTE]

    Why put yourself through the anxiety of living up to society's expectations? 

    Work with your fiance to create what the two of YOU feel being wife and husband means to YOU.  Spend some time focusing on the marriage YOU have chosen to create.  Write it all down.  This is the good stuff of being engaged (well, that and buying hot shoes for the wedding), spending time talking about all the assumptions and how the two of YOU will create your own union. Good luck!
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    anssettanssett member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Now that we're married 2 days it sounds less ridiculous. I kinda like it from him! Weird.
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    clg1213clg1213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Yay!
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