ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?

sarahroslansky · March 2013

Hey all! So I'm not doing a garter toss because my dad has always stood next to me at every wedding I attended growing up and muttered *too* loudly that he thinks it's super offensive (and I agree with him). However I never realized that some people feel that way about the bouqet toss too. I still want to do one though because I've always thought they were kinda fun, but I don't want to upset anyone. Any ideas or thoughts on ways to do a bouquet toss but not upset anyone? Like maybe I could toss it to all the single people (women and men)? Or do you think that's silly? Thoughts? Thanks!!

libby2483 · March 2013

I personally don't find anything offensive or upsetting about the bouquet toss. As long as you aren't forcing anyone who doesn't want to to participate, I'm not sure what could be upsetting. Sure, it is some people's personal preference to not have a bouquet toss at their wedding, which is perfectly fine, but I don't really see how it could be offensive. I'm not trying to be snarky here, I just genuinely don't get why anyone would be offended by it.

Also, in my crowd, a bouquet toss involving both men and women would not go over well. None of my male friends or family members would participate.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

The bouquet toss stays non-offensive as long as the single people in the crowd aren't gang-pressed and called up by name.

It also stays non-offensive if you don't turn the catcher into the center of some kind of freak show. I HATE it when I see some poor girl forced to let a random dude put used lingere on her leg, dance with a stranger, or do something else in the spotlight. All because she was foolish enough to participate in the bouquet toss.

Let the girls catch the flowers, then leave it at that. Classy, simple, non-embarrassing.

On a cute side-note: the girl who caught my bouquet, and the guy who caught the garter ended up engaged three months after our wedding. We're attending their wedding this September

kamilovich · March 2013

I agree with Libby and Pele that as long as no one is being forced to participate or awkwardly dance with some guy they don't know a traditional bouquet toss should be fine. The main problem with them is that family members often try to round up single women and get pushy if someone doesn't want to be involved. Other options could be opening the toss up to all women, single or not. That way anyone who wants to participate can. You could also possibly do something like a anniversary dance, and give your toss bouquet to the couple who's been married the longest. I also agree that a coed toss might be awkward. My FI and I are one of the first of our group if friends to get married, so there will be a good number of singles at our wedding. And I know that a lot of my single female friends have expressed excitement about the bouquet. My MOH is even planning to fight for it, and then pewter her boyfriend if she catches it. But that's a different story. If you think your guests would like a bouquet toss, then you should do it. But definitely don't make anyone who doesn't want to participate participate.

ZiggyZos · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ideas-for-de-offensifying-the-bouquet-toss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:b892d162-b10d-44fd-a48f-5b6ce86d704bPost:2f5441cd-1dde-4fbe-a0fe-f774bbafe13a">Re: ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?</a>:
[QUOTE]The bouquet toss stays non-offensive as long as the single people in the crowd aren't gang-pressed and called up by name. It also stays non-offensive if you don't turn the catcher into the center of some kind of freak show. I HATE it when I see some poor girl forced to let a random dude put used lingere on her leg, dance with a stranger, or do something else in the spotlight. All because she was foolish enough to participate in the bouquet toss. Let the girls catch the flowers, then leave it at that. Classy, simple, non-embarrassing. On a cute side-note: the girl who caught my bouquet, and the guy who caught the garter ended up engaged three months after our wedding. We're attending their wedding this September :D
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

All of this!

And side note: the gal who caught my bouquet (a BM) wound up engaged to the Best Man (who she was already dating lol) about 3 months after our wedding, too.

libby2483 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ideas-for-de-offensifying-the-bouquet-toss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b892d162-b10d-44fd-a48f-5b6ce86d704bPost:2f5441cd-1dde-4fbe-a0fe-f774bbafe13a">Re: ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?</a>:
[QUOTE]The bouquet toss stays non-offensive as long as the single people in the crowd aren't gang-pressed and called up by name. It also stays non-offensive if you don't turn the catcher into the center of some kind of freak show. <strong>I HATE it when I see some poor girl forced to let a random dude put used lingere on her leg, dance with a stranger, or do something else in the spotlight. All because she was foolish enough to participate in the bouquet toss. Let the girls catch the flowers, then leave it at that.</strong> Classy, simple, non-embarrassing. On a cute side-note: the girl who caught my bouquet, and the guy who caught the garter ended up engaged three months after our wedding. We're attending their wedding this September :D
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>At our wedding, my sister caught the bouquet and H's cousin caught the garter. Apparently, H's cousin, who had a little too much to drink, was telling everyone how cute my sister was earlier in the evening. When she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, the DJ was like, "Okay, now you have to put that on her leg with just your mouth." H's cousin got this huge smile, and my sister had this look of terror on her face. Two seconds later, he DJ was like like, "No, no, I was obviously kidding. Please do not go anywhere near her with that garter or your mouth." </div>

daria24 · March 2013

I don't think the bouquet toss in and of itself is offensive. I always refused to participate because there was no way in hell I was going to risk some drunk guy putting his hands up my skirt. So I think just doing the bouquet toss on its own is fine.

Jen4948 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ideas-for-de-offensifying-the-bouquet-toss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b892d162-b10d-44fd-a48f-5b6ce86d704bPost:f464abdf-ef2c-4471-a4b8-f51e67fd9052">Re: ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?</a>:
[QUOTE]Stage's way is the only way I like this at all. Even if you and the DJ don't put any pressure on the single ladies to get up and participate, other people at the table might. I've been ratted out by people at my table and forced to participate in the tosses before, and I am always playing it like dodgeball instead of catch. I really don't want a strange man's hand up my dress, especially in a room filled with people. If a guy is going to stick his hand up my skirt, I prefer it to be a person of my choosing and in private, thankyouverymuch.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This. I've never liked the bouquet or garter toss for exactly these reasons.

kerbohl · March 2013

Stage, I love your idea of attaching a gift certificate to the tosses. Mind if I steal this?
Also, no wedding I have been to had the guy who caught the garter put it on the girl who caught the bouquet. I guess my family and friends argreed with many PP in that it just isn't that desirable a thing for the poor girl.
Liatris2010 - I agree with you on the sad part of the bouquet toss, making it about single women desperate to be married. I caught the bouquet at a wedding once, and it was when I was happily, HAPPILY single and not wanting a relationship or a husband at all. But it was at a wedding where it was just a fun event where everyone could go up and try to catch it, so they didn't make it about the poor single girls just wanting a man - it was just good old fun.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

Stage's idea is what FI and I are doing. He really wanted to do the garter and bouquet toss but I didn't want to force anyone to do it, so we decided that the people that catch them, regardless of marital status, will get a gift card for the movies and/or a restaurant.

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

I don't find the bouquet toss offensive at all. There's no way I'm throwing my bouquet, but I have a toss bouquet to throw. I did catch the bouquet at my best friend's wedding and was the next to be engaged so I liked it.

I did hear about a wedding from one of my friends where the sister of the groom got a black eye during the bouquet toss because people really freakin wanted the bouquet

sarahroslansky · March 2013

Thanks for your ideas everyone!! Yeah we're definitely going to have a lot of early 20's people there and I think people will have fun with a toss. I'll just talk to the DJ and ask her not to put too much pressure on ladies to participate.

ladytori · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ideas-for-de-offensifying-the-bouquet-toss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b892d162-b10d-44fd-a48f-5b6ce86d704bPost:c62663c8-6757-416c-98f6-802d112d0703">ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all! So I'm not doing a garter toss because my dad has always stood next to me at every wedding I attended growing up and muttered *too* loudly that he thinks it's super offensive (and I agree with him). However I never realized that some people feel that way about the bouqet toss too. I still want to do one though because I've always thought they were kinda fun, but I don't want to upset anyone. Any ideas or thoughts on ways to do a bouquet toss but not upset anyone? Like maybe I could toss it to all the single people (women and men)? Or do you think that's silly? Thoughts? Thanks!!
Posted by sarahroslansky[/QUOTE]

We did a bouquet "dance off" instead of a toss, and invited all women on the dance floor regardless of marital status. The DJ gave the bouquet to the best dancer. By the way, we didn't have the garter toss either.

whitney37354 · March 2013

Give the bouquet to the couple who has been married longest.

ZiggyZos · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_ideas-for-de-offensifying-the-bouquet-toss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:b892d162-b10d-44fd-a48f-5b6ce86d704bPost:812540cd-9edb-412f-a5c7-6ac665f99a30">Re: ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?</a>:
[QUOTE]Give the bouquet to the couple who has been married longest.
Posted by whitney37354[/QUOTE]

I know the people who do this are well-meaning, but it still bothers me... more so than tosses.

What about guests who have lost their spouse? What about guests who are legally not allowed to marry?

H's maternal grandma has been widowed for 7 or so years, but was married more than 50 years when she lost her husband. She easily would have had the longest marriage at our wedding if her husband was still alive. H's paternal grandfather is also a widower. Both made a point of mentioning how proud their spouses would have been and how they wished those spouses could have been there. Then, there were the three long-term same-sex couples at our wedding who have all been with their spouses longer than most of our heterosexual guests have been with theirs.

Making a big deal about awarding the longest married couple would have been a slap in the face to all of these people... So it is definitely a matter of knowing your crowd..

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

I don't necessarily think the bouquet toss is offensive, per se, I just think it singles a lot of people out. Yes no one is forced to do it, but there will always be that super annoying friend who will turn to her other friend who is single and drag her out there. I have been one of the people dragged out there and I was uncomfortable.

What you can do if you want to do it is open it up to everyone. Whoever catches teh bouquet gets to keep it. I don't think you will have a ton of people who really want to fight over a bouquet anyway. I just feel that having it be open to singles can be kind of awkward for the singles involved.

lovesclimbing · March 2013

In Response to Re:ideas for deoffensifying the bouquet toss?:[QUOTE]The bouquet toss stays nonoffensive as long as the single people in the crowd aren't gangpressed and called up by name.nbsp;nbsp;It also stays nonoffensive if you don't turn the catcher into the center of some kind of freak show. nbsp;I HATE it when I see some poor girl forced to let a random dude put used lingere on her leg, dance with a stranger, or do something else in the spotlight. nbsp;All because she was foolish enough to participate in the bouquet toss.Let the girls catch the flowers, then leave it at that. nbsp;Classy, simple, nonembarrassing.On a cute sidenote: the girl who caught my bouquet, and the guy who caught the garter ended up engaged three months after our wedding. nbsp;We're attending their wedding this September :D Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Ditto. I had never even heard of the whole leg thing until TK. At my wedding I got pics with the catchers and that was it.

And that's a really cute story Pele.

My cousin's wife made me stand up for the bouquet toss even though I was engaged at the time. I was a bit annoyed but went along with it to avoid a scene. I just stood there while the others dove yes, 2 of them literally dove for it.

rel1988 · March 2013

I saw this idea online and not sure yet if I'm going to copy it. Basically instead of 1 bouquet, you loosely tie together a handful of flowers so when you toss it the bouquet it separates and multiple flowers are able to be caught so no one feels left out.

I agree with PP, it depends on the ages. We are mid 20's and and most of our friends aren't married yet. That being said, there is always a big deal made at the weddings and girls borderline get catty and jealous about catching the bouquet. This multiple flower might help aleviate that situation. If the guests are older though, I would go for the throw-out to everyone/gift certificate approach.

reellove13 · March 2013

I never enjoyed the bouquet toss as a single gal, so I'm thinking I won't do it the traditional way. I may just give the bouquet to my younger sister who is planning a wedding for next year with a heartfelt hug and best wishes. I hope it turns into a cute moment, but we'll see how it's executed. We may still do the garter toss though. There'll be waaay more single men there than there will be ladies, and I think my F's friends would enjoy it...especially since the toss garter is being made out of their college basketball team logo.

laura hamilton · April 2013

We are not doing the garter toss at all. We are doing an anniversary dance where all the married couples come out on the dance floor and the one that is left at the end of the song that has been married longest gets the bouquet. I am not doing the traditional bouquet toss since there won't be a lot of single women there. I am either going to throw a breakaway bouquet or throw a fortune bouquet to all the women.

jaciforsman · April 2013

I recently saw on pinterest a really good idea... have a bouquet of roses, tied loosely together so that when you throw them back, they all separate and more ladies can enjoy it! I am thinking this is what I will do at mine and then give a separate bouquet to the longest married couple.

ideas for de-offensifying the bouquet toss?

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