Wedding Party

Help- should I decline offer to be bridesmaid?

My husband has a recently engaged cousin who neither of us are particularly close to- they didn't know each other at all growing up, and reconnected maybe five years ago, but still only see each other casually, maybe two or three times a year.  I've met this woman a grand total of four times (one of which was at my own wedding). 

Yesterday, she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.  I said yes- mistake, I know, but she asked me in front of a huge group of people including several of of my husband's family members that I don't know very well, and I didn't want to make a scene.  She- seriously; I'm not joking here - told me she was asking me because she needed an extra person so that should could have even sides.  (At the same time, she asked my husband to walk her down the aisle - her father passed away and she doesn't have any close male relatives - because she "needed someone tall" and my husband is 6'6.)

So, I've seen on these boards all the time that people are going to have their feelings hurt if they feel like they're being treated more like props than people...I believed it, sure, but I didn't really get it until I was just asked to shell out $200 (which I can afford, but I have other things I would prefer to spend my money on) for a dress I'll never wear again just so that the bride can have even sides.  Yeesh.  Yes, my feelings are hurt.

So, I'm considering calling her next week and telling her I've changed my mind and I don't want to be in the wedding.  My husband says I probably won't upset anybody in his family too much if I do (though they can be touchy about things I can't always predict and my husband isn't always good at predicting it either).  But, I don't know, I'm only saying no because it's a mild pain in the butt to pay for an ugly dress and because my feelings/pride are hurt because I feel like I'm being used as a prop.  I'm kind of opposed on principle to buying a dress that costs more than I would ever spend on a dress for myself, in order to do a favor for someone who effectively just insulted me.  But I also recognize that in the grand scheme of things that's a fairly stupid hill to choose to die on.

I'm not nearly close enough to the bride to call her out for being rude- we're at that stage of not knowing someone very well where it's still rude to tell a rude person they're being rude, kwim? So there's really no chance to talk it out, and I don't even know what reason I would give for stepping down, other than that we don't know each other very well and I'm uncomfortable with it.  But given how we've started out, I'm already getting the bridezilla vibe from her and I can't imagine things going anywhere but down.

So, two questions- step down over something fairly trivial in the grand scheme of things, or suck it up to make sure I don't make waves with my husband's family?  And, if I should step down, best way to explain it to her?

Re: Help- should I decline offer to be bridesmaid?

  • Yep, we don't lie.  Treating people like they are objects is non warm and fuzzy, and they don't appreciate it.  Even if they don't say anything.

    Run from this wedding.  The bride probably thinks she's being open and honest, but she's just being callous.  She's one step away from "Hay, I think cardboard cutouts are trashy, so you'll do n stuff.  Kaythanxbye".


    I would suggest that you make it about money to minimize drama.  Let her know that you are very sorry, but some unexpected costs have come up in your life recently, and you don't have the finances to join the bridal party.  Apologize, and stand firm if she offers to pay.  "Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that to you, especially with everything you're already paying for".

    Then ruuun run run run.
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  • If you are already doubting your decision, I suspect the answer is you should step down. My guess is that if she's already worried about height and balance of the bridal party, she will be a pain. And while we all have friends/relatives who become pains during the engagement period, it's easier to forgive people you have a history/relationship with, which you don't have. It's terrible she put you on the spot, especially in front of family. I would probably call her and say you and your husband had a chance to discuss it, and for various reasons (work/financial/whatever), you need to step down, and that you wanted to let her know ASAP so she could have a chance to re-balance the bridal party. Then, before she can say much other than "oh," squeal and say you're so excited about their wedding and that you can't wait to see how pretty they all look on the wedding day. I don't envy you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-should-i-decline-offer-to-be-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5c223786-25be-478e-8bf8-bdfb0ace5fc8Post:4cc811b0-1bf4-4ec5-b207-4c9836d1ca73">Re: Help- should I decline offer to be bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I would suggest that you make it about money to minimize drama.  Let her know that you are very sorry, but some unexpected costs have come up in your life recently, and you don't have the finances to join the bridal party.  Apologize, and stand firm if she offers to pay.  "Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that to you, especially with everything you're already paying for". Then ruuun run run run.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Oh man I wish I could do this but a) my husband just took a fairly high-paying job, so any claim that I couldn't afford it would not be believable (I don't WANT to spend the money on a dress, since we're saving big-time to buy a house, but there's no believable way to say we can't afford it- we can.), and b) she's EXTREMELY wealthy and it would be nigh-impossible to decline her offer to pay, since $200 is literally nbd to her.

    I really appreciate the advice and look forward to hearing all of your thoughts and ideas.
  • Oh goodness! I would def decline to be in the WP. I am totally with you on not wanting to spend that amount on a dress I am only going to wear once. I even kept my wedding dress budget pretty low because I didnt want to spend a lot of money on a dress Im only going to wear for one day. I cannot believe she said she was only asking you to have even sides. When you decline, you should explain to her that they dont need to be even. && I find it even more ridiculous that she asked your H to walk her down the aisle because he is tall. That is suppose to be an honor for someone she really cares for, and it doesnt have to be a guy. Cant her mom walk her down the aisle? Or her FFIL? She really doesnt even need someone to walk her down the aisle if she cant find someone she really cares for to do it for her. There is no problem walking down the aisle yourself. You dont have to go into a lot of detail if you decline.

    I hope it all works out for you!
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  • I sort of disagree with everyone above. I don't think there's anything wrong with declining after the fact, but your husband is still going to walk her down the aisle right? And you're still going to the wedding? Considering all we say a bridesmaid has to do is show up sober in the proper attire, I think it's going to be difficult to avoid the conversation of, "I don't think you're worth the dress you want me to buy." Not that there's anything wrong with saying that, of course, because she was such a b*tch by treating you as a prop, but considering she's family... I don't know. I, personally, would suck it up. The farthest I would probably go would be to call her up and say something to the effect of, after thinking about it I just want you to be aware that I can only afford XYZ amount, and I won't have time for any of the pre-wedding festivities. Maybe she'll take back her offer, and then you can come out smelling entirely rosey as far as the rest of the family is concerned. If she were just an acquaintence with no family involvement I would tell you to tell her to fck herself. 
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  • I would decline. This is guaranteed to get much worse.  You don't need make excuses about paying for the dress or that she is being rude for wanting you as a prop.  Just the fact that you're not close with her is a good enough reason in my book.
  • I agree with pretty much everyone DECLINE and RUN! Having a bridesmaid (actually a MOH) who I don't think really wants to be in the party has kind of ruined parts of things for me, and I would hate to be the one stuck in the WP if I didn't want to be there. I've also been the one to have to call and decline an offer like this after initially saying yes, but it wasn't to be a bridesmaid, it was to be one of two day-of-coordinators, because I "was organized" according to my friend, which I am not. Tell her you've been giving it a lot of thought and you just can't do it, no reason needed.

    I definitely don't envy you in this decision but I hope it helps.
  • I also think you should decline, and that you are not obligated to give a reason. However, she sounds like one of those brides who thinks her BMs have a bunch of "duties"...maybe you could say something like, "I don't think I'm going to have the time to devote to being a bridesmaid." 
  • Assuming what she said was correct, I agree with everyone and call her to decline. However, are you sure what she said is the truth? How big is her bridal party? Does she have many friends? She might not really have any friends and she is reaching out to you. I know I would be embarrassed to have to ask someone to be a bridesmaid that I met four times. While she didn't handle it very well, it might be her way of justifying it and feeling less embarrassed. Maybe her FH has plenty of friends and it would be too humiliating for her to not have very many people on her side. If this is the case, I would just suck it up and do it for her because there is nothing worse than feeling like you don't have anyone. This is most likely completely wrong...but just in case.
  • If I were you I would decline. I would just be honest with her and let her know in a nice way that you felt put on the spot when she asked you and since you do not know her very well, you just don't feel comfortable standing up for her in her wedding.

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